After saying that ties with India are an ‘affair of the heart’, Hillary Clinton confirmed no immediate plans to sex with Indian diplomats

NEWSWIRE

SM Krishna was expressionless

 

(US Secretary of State and most hilarious lady of USA, Hillary Clinton confirmed that India-US relationship is an "affair of the heart" and her commitment to it has not diminished in any way with its ups and downs.

"With respect to affairs of the heart, they usually have ups and downs," she said amidst laughter at a joint press conference with Indian External Affairs Minister S.M. Krishna at the end of the third edition of India-US strategic dialogue. However, before dialogue turned evil she immediately told that she has no immediate plans of having sex with Indian foreign diplomats and right now happy with masturbation.

While media correspondents tried to gather all the face expressions of SM Krishna, they came to know it was as usual expressionless.)

After shutting down Mumbai's night life, ACP Vasant Dhoble will arrest people who are peeing on streets

NEWS IN BRIEF - CITY

He will also arrest dogs and bitches if they found having sex

After stopping all the immoral activities in the nightlife of Mumbai city, ACP Vasant Dhoble told reporters that he will arrest people who found peeing on the corners of road. He also got an additional charge by Maharashtra State Government to arrest dogs and bitches if they found conducting immoral activities like kissing, fondling and sex with each other on the road.

"Yes, I want to stop all the immoral activities in Mumbai. As now I have already shut all the pub owners and girls, who indulge in prostitution in those pubs, my eyes are on the people who are discharging their natural excreta on the roadside corners. I am glad to announce that I also got an additional charge to arrest dogs and bitches when they are indulge in sexual activities," said Dhoble.

Residents in Mumbai are planning to protest against Dhoble's encroachment on their basic right to free up their body and mind, which they have to unfortunately fulfill on the roads on account of absence of clean 'Sulabh Shauchalaya' and even sometimes non-availability of any kind of toilet.

"WTF, how can he stop us from pissing on the roads? He should first clean the toilets and then should talk rubbish," said Sujay Soni, a Bandra based resident.

Dhoble said "I understand the problem and I myself will start cleaning all the shauchalayas with my team also I have put a proposal to government to declare all the trees as natural shauchalayas."

However, he was not flexible on stopping dogs and bitches from sex.

"That will just send our culture to low levels. What will happen if my kids see such uncultural thing?" said Dhoble.

Reaction from association of dogs is yet to get.

Mamata Banerjee announced herself as Prime Ministerial candidate after declaring support to Manmohan Singh for President's post

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Mulayam Singh Yadav declared his support saying that she will handle Indian economy better

After announcing her support to Manmohan Singh for President's post, Mamata Banerjee immediately pitched herself for Prime Minister's post just thrashing the question of Congress Party that who will lead India after making Manmohan Singh as President.

"Searching for a good candidate for President's post is more difficult than searching for Prime Minister. I think while there is most capable and intelligent candidate for this post then why should we go anywhere. Even Mulayamji force me to announce myself as a Prime Minister of India, after thinking about Manmohanji's name," said Mamata Banerjee.

She said "We don't take time to resolve the issues as like UPA government. I believe Manmohanji is the best candidate for President's post of India. Also after 2014 as it is he was going to retire from the post, therefore I thought to give him better opportunity."

While Congress Party is still 'mum' after Mamata didi's announcement, many  senior leaders were calculating whether they can push Rahul Baba to PM's post after deciding Manmohanji on President's post. However, they still feel that it would be difficult if Mamata Didi announces her as a PM.

According to sources, Rahul Gandhi with heavy heart asked another Senior Leader "Mera number kab aayega."

For getting a support to PM's post Mamata didi told Mulayam Singh Yadav to head finance ministry while Pranabda will get VRS. Mulayam Singh Yadav is famous for resolving economic issues in a very good manner. He pushed down the inflation sharply after announcing free laptops in Uttar Pradesh.

"There are more problems for Bengalis residing across India than Bengalis residing in Kolokotta," told Mamata didi "Just issuing a bit of money and packages would not solve their problems. I will have to go to top post immediately to resolve their issues."

Albert Einstein's view on Digvijay Singh gets driving license renewed on holiday

SPECIAL GUEST COLUMN - POLITICS

People like Digvijay Singh are hard to find – Albert Einstein

Since I invented so many theories, I hardly have seen any kind of person who matches the talent that Digvijay Singh (Diggy) has. Opposition and few idiot satirists might say anything about him, but my genuine opinion is that he is highly innovative, focused and creative mind with trouble shooting and debugging qualities that any kind of Microsoft PC has.

Recently, I went through news that Diggy received driving license on the holiday. While considering many points, this must be a benchmark event in the history of India. However, without any reason opposition party cried foul.

According to my theory of the photoelectric effect, electrons are emitted from matter (metals and non-metallic solids, liquids or gases) as a consequence of their absorption of energy from electromagnetic radiation of very short wavelength, such as visible or ultraviolet radiation. Diggy is best example of the theory, so many solids and so many liquids he absorbed and became a real electromagnetic radiation creating a near 100% level solution to any crap problem.

Now, if we just put the theory in the light of current event while electrons emitted out of a matter called Diggy generally attracts RTO guys which have no habit to work on Sundays or any kind of packed government holiday schedule. In spite of all these things, the electrons let them force work on Sunday to just watch whether Diggy can still drive a Luna or not. Few other dominos can be witnessed. While they carefully watch whether his Luna driving skills are still intact or not, they also save many dogs and cats on the street from a probable situation of Diggy's Luna on their tail, head or a leg.

BJP, which has unnatural electrons, just ridiculously slapped Diggy while ignoring his way of thinking which led the totally sloppy profession to work, even on holiday.

However, theory of special relativity doesn't apply here. While many RTO people were enthusiastic to impress Diggy who may become Chief Minister of Madhya Pradesh, as a future investment, others were just yawning there is no absolute and well-defined state of rest. Both the arguments make sure that theory of special relativity which is generalisation of Galileo's principle of relativity—that all uniform motion is relative hardly applies on Diggy making him a special case.

My opinion is clear, I appreciate Diggy's stand that every government department should work day night which I really equates to my formula of mass-energy equivalence or E = mc2, where c is the speed of light in a vacuum that tarnish sleeps of even government servants.

(Story reported by our special correspondent Jhyap)

At peak while performing sexual task, Vladimir Putin realized that the mob gathered to protest against him was fake and product of his Schizophrenic behavior

NEWSWIRE

Putin said it's really dumb to have Schizophrenia

(Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin told his supporters that the crowd that was gathered outside his villa was a kind of day dream came while performing his sexual task in a different way. He said that it is one side of him that can be recognized as his schizophrenic behavior and entire mob was totally fake.)

Item Girls Association announces its own candidate for President's poll

TOP STORY - POLITICS

Association plans to take benefit of new wave of the popularity of Item Girls

Item Girls Association (IGA) plans to announce its nominee for the President of India's poll and demanded a whole hearted support from all the members of Parliment.

"We have capable candidates which can really perform entertaining tasks for audience of India. While we saw India's President hardly works and generally visits different countries in the world, we decided to better our own candidate which at least will give some fun to India's population," said Katrina Kaif, Chief of IGA.

She said "Day-by-day parliamentary sessions are becoming boring and weird, the boring sessions start with President's speech. Our proposal is that one of the item girls of Bollywood who would be President of the nation will dance along with giving a speech."

IGA members include big stalwarts like Katrina Kaif, Rakhi Sawant, Malaika Arora Khan, Payal Rohatgi and Mallika Sherawat among many other Indian and foreign item dance performers.

Item dance is performed on a stage or in a big mob by a specialist female dancer who generally wears small hanky or even tissue paper size clothes, which makes easy to shake their most attractive parts of body.

Admitting to the deteriorating situation of India is out of dryness in the performance of President.

"We shall add some spices to the performance. Hamare yaha pe to English me baat karnewali item girls bhi hai. Katty to British English me baat karti hai," said Rakhi Sawant, a prominent member of IGA.

While the nomination of candidature is not yet decided, sources close to India Satire correspondent said that a series of 'cat fights' are expected before the announcement. The competition between the members is so steep that while Katrina Kaif was explaining on why they want to file for nominations, Rakhi Sawant disturbed her, shouting at top of her lungs.

However, Katrina handled the situation and said "You see, our politicians are indulged in selecting candidates based on caste, religion, creed and sex. So we concentrated on 'sex' and thought we, too, must have reservations, virtually though, for this post. If anyone can get it, then why can't we. After all we are also working for the betterment of society, especially for men."

And they spoke for a long time, but all everyone remembers is the little show down by all Item girls at end; shaking and grooving few steps.

The event gave enough excuse for creation a pandemonium in the Lok and Rajya sabha, enough to abrupt the day's proceedings and gives the media topic for synthetic tete-a-tete.

A senior leader of Congress Party, Digvijay Singh (Diggy Chacha) said, "It's actually the best day of democracy, because, everybody has right to contest, with or without credentials! We are happy to have them and we are already in talks with them to pursue them to join our party."

Sources said that the statement also created fireworks between Diggy Chacha and Rahul Gandhi (Rahul Baba). According to sources, while Rahul Gandhi was not very eager to have item girls for President's post, Diggy Chacha was very much enthusiastic.

Giving a reference to a phone call, the source told that on that evening, Diggy Chacha got a call from Rahul Baba, who scolded for making such irresponsible statements, for which he replied, "Rahul Baba, now as you are going to become Prime Minister in 2014, I expect you to become a bit mature!! When the hell will you learn some sensible politics!! Look, if we have them in our party, they will give shows everywhere we campaign, and it will garner huge public, this will in turn increase our vote share and help us win elections!!!"

 "Oops! I am such a big fool yaar!! Diggy Chacha, you have mindboggling brain, Mummy!! I don't wanna be in politics!! I should have passed my degree, at least from IIPM!! They would and will have never denied a fool like me", Rahul Baba murmured to himself in despair.
(Story was contributed by Special Correspondent Bedardi Raja)

Calling "Chinky" could land you in jail for five years

OPINION

As usual Government made unclear stand, many questions are not sorted out

While calling residents of north-eastern areas "Chinky" has now become a punishable offence with a maximum imprisonment of five years, is a welcome step it has raised many questions and how the government would tackle to those issues.

India is famous for pet names, which are generally given by mummy and papa of the kid or the names which alloted by fans of many people. For example Amitabh Bachchan, to whom with love we call as Big-B while his son as Baby-B, his daughter-in-law as Bahu-B and his granddaughter as Beti-B. However, we don't call his wife as Biwi-B as it would definitely ask another question who is A.

Unfortunately, as usual government's law is very much ambiguous and customised to appeal certain sections of the society while it totally ignored many other sections, particularly politicians.

Many politicians, though they themselves might feel derogated are called by their pet names. Now serious looking P Chidambaram is popularly known as 'Chiddu' while Digvijay Singh as 'Diggy Chacha'. Government's law is silent about these pet names.

Interestingly, if we don't consider 'Chinky' as pet name then what if Chidduji wants to name his grandson/daughter as 'Chinky' and what will happen to the name 'Chinky' in Munnabhai MBBS. Many questions are yet to resolve. However, while the government's regulations are unclear nobody else has give any statement on the issue.

Infosys requested government to upgrade the status of its employees to 'Cash Cow'

NEWSWIRE

Infosys requested special status for the cash generation and accumulation capabilities and humbleness of the employees

(After accumulating the cash to Rs 20591 crore in FY 2012, Infosys requested the Government of India to grant a special status of 'Cash Cow' to its employees.

Infosys Chairman, K V Kamath said "Infosys employees are known for their cash generating and accumulating abilities and great modesty. Cash Cow status will help them consider as the humble as well as productive cows for India.")

Al Qaeda terrorist attempted suicide after he and his team killed 28 Yemen troops

NEWSWIRE

Sources said his wife slapped him in front of his friends for coming late for lunch

(Abdul Lateef bin Abdul Maajid, terrorist of al Qaeda by profession killed himself after his wife slapped him for coming late. Abdul arrived home late with his other terrorist friends after executing task of killing 28 Yemen troops. However, his wife who was furious over his late coming resulted into accumulation of a bunch of pending work of dishwashing and cleaning house slapped him hard in front of his friends. Feeling humiliated, Abdul killed himself by gun in the mid night after finishing his work said sources of Al Jazeera TV News channel.) 

Kapil Sibal asked the doctors to make assure that DNAs of all new kids should be uniformed

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Initiative will help solve all kinds of problems in a uniform way

After instigating a unique kind of step that one nationwide common entrance test, Kapil Sibal said that he now propose all DNAs of new born babies should be uniform to help them tackle the life problems in much easier and similar ways.

"Yes, I have asked my team to work out the formula seating with the Health Minister of India so that new youth will have one solution for any kind of problem. My own observation suggests that everybody has similar kind of problems but our brain cells recognize them differently, due to variations in DNA. Therefore, I asked Indian Medicals Association to make all the DNAs uniform," said Kapil Sibal who is popular for his different thinking.

Recently, Kapil Sibal was criticized over his decision to have one nationwide common entrance test.

"I like everything to be uniform, lesser convolution. Make it simple and sweet," said Kapil Sibal.

His idea was that uniform DNAs would allow young generation to tackle all the problems in a uniform way. Post implementation of this kind of inimitable plan, young IT brigade will easily replace doctors while doctors will easily replace sweepers or plumbers. Accountants can easily take electricians jobs.

"My funda clearly shows that India will not have any kind of scarcity of employable people," said Kapil Sibal.

However, his idea is not taken in a good spirit in India. Many doctors, engineers and accountant parents among others protested against the idea and said that it would directly infringe on autonomy.

Sibal said "There is no intent to impact on the medical system autonomy…. DNA change process is being contemplated is to be set by the medicals association itself."

Chickey Hen found laughing when she was decided to be included as a bounty to Hillary Clinton

NEWSWIRE - WORLD

Bill Clinton said he is fine with 20 chickens for one Hillary, though earlier he demanded more

 

(Former US President, Bill Clinton decided to swap 20 chickens, which include 10 hens and 10 cocks against his wife and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

"Looks nasty, but I am fine with it. She could have got at least 10 more hens but I can understand the financial situation of Somalia and I am ok with the price," said Bill Clinton.

He said "Hens and cocks must not be more hilarious than Hillary herself is."

According to sources Chickey Hen who was included as one of the bounty chickens laughed a loud for the idea that she was going to swap against Hilary.)

After using fairness cream product made for women, cow Hirani's face became white while body remained black

NEWSWIRE - OTHERS

Cowman arrested for such a weird experiment on his cow

(Cowman Bisan Pal Singh was arrested for making a weird experiment on his cow. Bisan Pal applied a bucket of fairness cream made for women on his cow, Hirani's face to make her fair. However, the experiment turned weird and Hirani's face turned white while her body remained black.

Hirani came to know about such a bizarre experiment on her face when she looked into her natural mirror of drinking water. She immediately complained it to Chandigarh Police who under the Animals Protection Right arrested Bisan Pal Singh. Animal Rights Commission is strongly pursuing the case against Bisan Pal while the company (unnamed) which manufactured the product filed a suit against cowman for denigrating its name.)

Swami Nithyananda offers prayer at Meenakshi temple and then Ranjitha (Menon) Ashram

NEWSWIRE

He is also trying to connect with other Tollywood actress devis

(The Guru Pooja of Thirugnanasambandar, the Saivite saint, who found the Madurai Adheenam went off peacefully on Tuesday, amidst the ongoing controversy over the appointment of self-styled godman Nithyananda as the 293rd pontiff of the ancient mutt.)

After reaching Chennai, A raja announced his plans for moon safari just to recapture his life and reenergize him

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Eager to take M Karunanidhi uncle and Kanimozhi as a good time company

After spending more than a year in Tihar jail of New Delhi, A Raja announced that he will go to Moon and mars for a big holiday to reenergize and reinvent himself. He made this announcement in a press conference after reaching Chennai for the first time, since Tihar jail treatment.

Talking about his plans, A Raja said "First I will have lots of Idili Sambhaar. I have become a deprived soul for it. Then I would like to take a big vacation to start finding lost life and understand myself better."

He said that he wants to understand how much more his brain can function and go beyond the boundaries to attract more and more money for the poor and poor people.

" I require a small Moon safari and a long vacations on Mars till I recharge my whole life again so that I can back with more strength to do more work for common man," said A Raja, who is popular among telecom companies for distributing licenses at hefty and attractive rates at the time when they were needed to be traded at peak rates.

But why did he choose moon and mars for vacations and does he have enough financial strength to really afford the visits.

"Don't talk nonsense," A Raja roared "There is no place in the world that remains so valuable for me after buckets of money I accumulated since I became telecom minister. For the financial strength, no need to ask me whether I can afford it or not, but the thing is whether people can afford to listen that I can go to Moon or not."

He also informed that he had detailed talks with M Karunanidhi, head of DMK.

"Appa Karuna is interested in going to moon but he told that he can't wear that huge outfit that was required to wear for the planetary visitors, as it would be a bit heavy and he can't stay away without his goggles too. However, he gave permission to Kaniji to go to Moon and Mars with me," said A Raja.

Sources said that before visiting jail, A Raja promised Kanimozhi that he will take her to the visits of fool (sorry full) Moon and Mars whenever they will come out of jail.

Facebook to change its name to 'Faceboob' to attract more visitors and support its share prices in the stock markets

NEWS IN BRIEF - TECHNOLOGY

Trying to change opinions of analysts by making it more and more lucrative

After a very lackluster trading on the US stock exchanges and consistently deterioarating investor value, Facebook decided to change its name to integrate new services which include evergreen porn under its umbrella and will offer these new value added services to a seriously damn new loyal customers.

Facebook IPO was valued at $38 per share. However, after a lack of investor interest and sharp criticisms from analyst community the price of shares dropped sharply to $25 per share straight-a-way wiping out 34% from the market cap.

"This social networking business sucks! Useless and hopeless. Everytime new thing comes and our serious users get diverted to some other idiotic sites. However, interest in porn and loyalty in porn services never dies. Therefore, we decided to introduce a new booby concept in Facebook. Under that strategy, first we shall change Facebook's name to Faceboob, which will help the site to get a huge leads from search engines but also recognition of an all service umbrella. Further Faceboob name looks good, people will always feel like pressing on to our site which will be an added sentimental boost for the company's business," said company CEO, Mark Zuckerberg.

Zuckerberg also appealed analyst community to believe in his differently wide creative skills and stop nonsensical articles.

Analysts, earlier predicted that the company's existence is hardly for 5-8 years as more and more mobile based sites are getting popular.

"We don't want our stock to see zero dollars before 5-8 years period, therefore we are seriously working out this concept. Besides web portal, our Android and iPhone applications will show the data," said Zuckerberg.

Though, he didn't disclose what would be content, sources said that the users will allow to post pornographic photos and videos on the site and as a value added services he would get a dislike button to click on.

To start the process, sources said that Mark Zuckerberg will himself post his own nude photos on his profile.

Popular Notions and Unpopular Perceptions over P Chidambarm

POPULAR NOTION-UNPOPULAR PERCEPTION - POLITICS

P Chidambaram is facing a lot of trouble from opposition over 2009 elections and 2G issues

The Madurai bench of the Madras high court on Thursday rejected P Chidambaram's, home minister, plea to dismiss an election petition against him. India Satire analysed the popular notions and unpopular perceptions for P Chidambaram, using this development.

MP Sachin Tendulkar refuses to accept Delhi residence located near by Rahul gandhi's residence.

TOP STORY - POLITICS

Sachin says officially that he doesn't want to burden government while reason was said to be different

While Sachin Tendulkar is stressing the point that by refusing the government's house in New Delhi, he is going to reduce the burden of the government and save the tax payer's money. However, according to a source of India Satire from the Parliamentary Affairs department, Sachin Tendulkar was horrified by the idea that he would have to share the closer companionship with India's future Prime Minister, Rahul Gandhi.

According to a source, Sachin Tendulkar visited Rahul Baba's house on his special request after President of India, UCSG (under the control of Sonia Gandhi) last month nominated him as Rajya Sabha MP. Rahul Baba in his house showed him the collection of lots of games and also took him and his wife Anjali Tendulkar to his games room. Though, the house was one of the best houses in terms of kids playing games like Ludo or checkers and many other high-tech games such as Playstation and other video games, Sachin Tendulkar couldn't digest the idea of such a weird neighboring.

"What is this? I left Mumbai because of Vinod Kambli and now I have to live next to Rahul?" muttered Sachin, in Anjali's ears.

"I can't do such stupid thing by living next to such irrational person and moreover this guy will be surrounded by people like Diggy Chacha, Kapil Sibal, Chidduji, Salman Khursid. I can't take part in Rahul's daily life routine of playing Playstaion, Ludo and telling stories at night when he sleeps. There are other people for that. It will make me demented faster than normal human being. Look at Diggyji. I am never scared of facing any bowlers in this world but company of Rahul Baba is far too scary."

Source said that to IS correspondent even Anjali was a little bit scary about the whole idea. She told Sachin that while Sachin is mostly out to play or some other business, their two children Arjun and Sara would be dominated with the company of Rahul Baba.

"Children should be in intelligent environment with high IQ friends. But you know Amul Baby is as demented as his mentor Diggyji. They will spoil our kid. We can't risk our children brain at all.Let Rahul Baba find other kid companies," said Anjali

Sources say that over excited Rahul Baba already bought lots of toys, new ludo, kid paintings, playstations and other stuffs to play and gift tendulkar family. But his desires seem to be shattered.

"It's my personal decision. No one should say me what I have to do." said and signed off Sachin.

(Reported by our special correspondent Jhyap)

Sanjay Joshi quits BJP, joins Dara ki Vyayamashala

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Challenges Modi to have real kushti with him on the muddy red turf

Sulking BJP General Secretary Sanjay Joshi resigned from the party and took a decision to join a roadside local Gymnasium as a coach and a participant in a Kushtis.

"Yes, it was so dumb to remain in the party which was just supporting Narendra Modi without giving me a proper chance to have Mukka Laat with him. It's ridiculous when the entire party is biased. While Nitinji made my way to fight with him by appointing me as a General Secretary and on the crucial task of Uttar Pradesh, other RSS and BJP guys just hide him from me. See now a battle should be there on an equal and non biased turf. Therefore, I just joined this Dara ki Vyayamashala in which I will train kids to fight against non-secular nature people while Dara Singh, head of the Vyayamashala will personally train me. I challenge Narendra Modi, come on this muddy red turf and have a kushti with me, surely I will show him my power," said Sanjay Joshi.

He said that he also asked Nitin Gadkari to leave BJP's presidential post and use the opportunity to reduce his weight.

"However, Nitinji meakly denied and told me that he has many things to do apart from losing weight," said Sanjay Joshi.

India Satire correspondent contacted Narendra Modi, who said that he doesn't give a shit on all these useless challenges and would like to continue his brainy fight rather than physical level abuse.

BREAKING NEWS: Photograph of toilet seat of Planning Commission before its upgradation leaked

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Toilet seat has no body to adopt after Planning Commission in humanely thrown out for costly and premium seat

India Satire Correspondent received a leaked photograph of a pink colour toilet seat which was lying on the street opposite to Planning Commission's office. Sources said that it was the same seat which was used by Planning Commission top notch Montek Singh Ahulwalia. The condition of the seat is totally unwell and requires some attention and surgery from the Planning Commission officials.

"It is ridiculous. How can Monty do to this to a poor toilet seat to just want to sit on a seat with cushion and a proper high tech sound system. I know few people can't finish the things if they don't listen to music but besides careless attitude towards old toilet seat and also spending Rs 35 lakhs on just an upgradation is totally intolerable. People who don't have facility to listen the songs while doing, they themselves become singers," said Ms Aruna Roy, Member of National Advisory Council (NAC) "He should show at least a bit of humanity."

Toilet Seat on the streets of Planning Commission office after the officials chose premium to it

A street smarter on the Planning Commission street, Dhinchak Nandu who is planning to use the seat also knew the emotional saga of the seat.

"For many days, it was lying here just nobody had anything to do with. I thought I should use it. However, just a couple of days back I came to know that it was from an esteemed place of the Planning Commission Headquarter," Nandu told India Satire Correspondent.

Rahul Gandhi refused to use Planning Commission's toilet, as it was not aam toilet

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Event happened when Rahul Baba gave a surprise-visit to the headquarter of Commission

In a surprise visit to headquarter of Planning Commission, Rahul Gandhi meekly refused to use Planning Commission's toilet telling it was not aam toilet.

"I humbly refused Monty Uncle's request to use the toilet of Planning Commission's headquarters, despite I was very much fervent to clear my tummy," said Rahul Baba, India's future Prime Minister.

Development happened when Rahul Gandhi visited Planning Commission's head office yesterday. While he was discussing with Montek Singh Ahluwalia about India's economic situation and world that is close to an end in 2012, Rahul Baba became agitated after digestion issues cropped up on yesterday's little bit heavy Italian food.

Finally exasperated Rahul Baba left the road, asked security guard address of Sulabh Shauchalaya which, he couldn't give as he was also using same headquarter's toilet. Before using a side lane, Montek Singh caught him up and sent him to his house without delay.

Rahul Baba told India Satire Correspondent "When Monty Uncle showed me the toilet I was astonished and told him that it was a very costly and aam aadmi, whom I represent can't afford it. He said then so what in Rs 28 as it is he will have to seat on the street or on green grass. However, in spite of his lot of convincing statements I clearly told him that this toilet seat is not for me. Though I am a Prince, even at my house I specially gave an aam aadmi look to my individual toilet. Every Prince should observe the intensity of the problems of his aam aadmis."

Sources said that Montek Singh Ahluwalia took Rahul Baba's statement very seriously and asked the feasibility report from the Plan panel for supplying Rs 35 lakh toilets to aam aadmis in India.

Sources also told that since Montek announced the poverty line of Rs 28 per person per day, he eats only 2 plates of Pasta daily.

BREAKING NEWS: Reliance Industries announced venturing into social networking business

Mukesh Ambani announcing Social Networking venture in AGM

TOP STORY - BUSINESS

It will start its own 'Relbook' to compete with Facebook

Continuing its trend to announce entry into some new business dimensions in its AGM, Reliance Industries will venture into Social Networking Sites, by launching 'Relbook'.

"After so many announcements in last so many years for entering into so many businesses, today we are proud to announce an entry in a Social Networking Market. We are glad to tell you that we shall directly compete with Facebook by launching our own Indian 'Relbook'. The venture will be another big bang entry for the company and value will be derived out of it would be immense for our shareholders," Mukesh Ambani told Reliance Industries' share holders.

The announcement was a big surprise for the investors, who were discussing the agenda of the company's meeting since morning. Right now the investors are confused on how to react to announcement, as the lucrative business is amid the fall out of Facebook shares on the US bourses keep them guessing. The stock price was just 1.7% up.  However, most of the reactions came like Reliance has the habit to enter into some useless businesses like textiles, retail, telecom, infocom, media and many more, now if it is social networking them what's so different.

SP Tulsian of sptulsian.com said, "It's a forum for pleasing the shareholders, where you will see them giving a broad outlook or reaffirming their positive stance on the exploration, upstream, petchem, refinery segments and all sort of things."

He said "However, besides some entry in some useless and paltry businesses, I never thought Mukesh will announce venturing into Social Networing business. I never touched any IT stocks, because the businesses are confused and goes over the board, so I think I will stop tracking Reliance too if the company invests into such useless business."

Sources said that today morning Mukesh Ambani, Chairman of the company read a news that Facebook would shut down in next 5-8 years made him take sudden decision to invest in social networking sites.

"Every great corporate take immediate decision. Mukesh bhai also takes decision fast. He thought one moment and discussed with me and finally decided to go ahead," said Mukesh Ambani's driver Jatin bhai.

Mukesh Ambani said "I see sustainability of any business in the eyes of aam aadmi. When my driver said me to go ahead with the venture, I just gave a call to my management and told them to include topic in the AGM's agenda. Reliance Industries will invest Rs50,000Cr in this business and will generate employment for 10 lakh people. This will be our biggest investment."

SP Tulsian said "They have the habit of announcing extraordinary investments so forget that. I want to know how this Facebook operates.

He said to India Satire correspondent "It is sucking. Just can you tell me?"

Facebook, however, gave a depressed reaction. Mark Zuckerberg, its founder said "Reliance has no right to invest in all the unrelated businesses. At least let us leave for next 5-8 years, they want to shut our office down by next year only. 10 lakh people for Relbook, sucks."


(This is a fake news from fake sources. So don't believe in it)

Montek Singh Ahluwalia to represent brand Jaquar in bathroom fittings

Montek Singh explaining the process of working of Jaquar bathroom fittings

NEWS IN BRIEF - POLITICS

Monty to represent most ignored and deprived section of Indian houses

After justifying the budget spent over Planning Commission's bathrooms and toilets, Montek Singh Ahluwalia said he signed a contract to promote Jaquar bathroom fittings.

"Experience Bathing!" said Montek Singh Ahluwalia on a presentation ceremony where Jaquar's Director & Promoter Rajesh Mehra announced him as the brand ambassador of his company's brands.

"He is a bathroom king," said Rajesh Mehra "Montek Singh would be most ideal person to promote our brands in bathing. It's a straight deal, he is popular for his toilet and bathroom adventures while we are the best in it, so why not ask him only for acting as a bathroom king."

Sources said that Montek will allow Jaquar to take few bathing and morning deliberation video clips so that the company would discuss on how to go on promotional activities.

"Montek Singh agreed for sharing his bathing and toilet experiences so that we shall capture them in videos and will promote our accessories and fittings," said Sandeep Shukla, Head Marketing Communication - Jaquar India.

"I think toilet and bathroom is the most deprived and ignored section in a house. It can be called as poor or aam section. My first intention to promote it was to give this section a suitable name and recalling its lost value. This activity will also improve the brand Planning Commission which was always considered as making estimates on the air," said Montek Singh Ahluwalia.

According to few sources, the job compensation was done based on Monty Formula of Poverty Line which gives some bit of discount to company and some bit of premium to Montek Singh.

Internet surfer searching for 'hot mallu aunty' saw Aishwarya Rai's photo

NEWS IN BRIEF - BOLLYWOOD

Aishwarya Rai in depression when she came to know the news

Abhishek Bachchan has got another reason to irk on the media after a frequent internet surfer, Rajiv Malhotra got astonishing results on Google after he searched for hottest keywords in India 'hot desi mallu aunty'. Google gave Aishwarya Rai's photos as results for keyword search.

"Yes! actually earlier there were photos of Vidya Balan when I used to search 'hot mallu aunty' on Google images search due to her boldest fatty appearance in the Dirty Picture and thereafter many photos and videos of few 'B' grade actresses in south Indian film industry. However, I was shocked when yesterday I saw Aishwarya Rai while searching for the same keywords. Earlier, I read that Aish had lost weight significantly for Cannes but now this is shocking that Google gave such kind of results," said Rajiv Malhotra.

However, the news itself spread faster than earlier thought by anybody. Next day the news came on the front page of Times of India, which was unofficially considered as Bachchan family's PR paper. The news clipping drew thousands of comments suggesting Aishwarya the ways to lose her weight.

"Aish is depressed by reading all this nonsense and crap things. Why should be she considered as Mallu Aunty? We have formally filed a case against Google, taking assistance of IIPM head Arindam Chaudhuri," said furious Abhishek Bachchan.

Arindam was the first in the world who complained against search results of Google for joining his name to different kinds of scams, fraud, and calling him idi*t.

"I have an experience of leading these kinds of things. Lots of people mocked about me and I answered them showing my teeth," said Arindam.

Sources said that Aishwarya went through depression after reading this and asked help of Hrithik Roshan who also gone with such an experience after his movie 'Guzaarish' was flopped.

"She is now recovering and will take serious efforts of reducing weight," said Abhishek.