After celebrities, Anant Ambani is open for demonstration to general public

India's top businessman Mukesh Ambani has decided to showcase his child Anant's super natural change in body during last 18 months to general public. Anant was earlier demonstrated in front of celebrities and top people at his house Antilla in Mumbai.

"Now as the demonstration of Anant in front of creamy layer is over, we decided to show him to general public," said Mukesh Ambani "We will put him on Wankhede ground after IPL match to show how one buddy could reduce 108kg in 18 months."

Mukesh Ambani confirmed that the Royal Couple, Prince Williams and his wife Kate Middleton which came to India want Anant to take to Royal Palace to showcase him in front of population of Britain.

Jealous of Anant Ambani, Pappu Pandey lost 1/2 kg - Reports

Pappu Pandey unknowingly lost 1/2 kg in a day after he found India's richest businessman Mukesh Ambani's son Anant Ambani lost 108kg in 18 months.

"It was sheer jealousy that helped Pappu lost 1/2 kg within a day without doing anything," said Pappu's elder brother Chunky Pandey "He ate everything yesterday still we found him 1/2 kg lighter compared to day before."

Pappu is a son of wealthiest halwai of India Pinchu Pandey. Pappu is known for his love for jalebis and recorded his name in Guinness Book of World Records after eating thousands of jalebis in an hour's time.

"U hamaar bituwa rahai. Kauno Ambani kaa naahi. Hum ka pata hai ki hamaar Pappuwa bhi 400-500 kilo ekai saal mein loose karai rahe," said proud father Pinchu Pandey after he saw Pappu to be lighter by 1/2 kg.

Women devotees to fight new crusade; want men devotees to wear full clothes in Shani Shingnapur Temple

After a major victory for women devotees on the occasion of Hindu New Year Gudi Padwa, as the Shani Shingnapur temple trust in Maharashtra on Friday allowed them inside the sanctum sanctorum they want men to wear full clothes and not roaming topless around the venue. Just after entered the temple, first batch of women shocked seeing few topless men praying in front of God Shani as per the cusoms and rituals.

"That view was shocking. Few people without caring about women in the temple were half nude making us totally uncomfortable," said one of the women devotees who got opportunity to be in the first batch "There should be some sense that they were in front of women. We immediately complained the temple authorities which showed lack of interest in getting things sorted out and asking the men devotees to wear clothes. Now we plan to move to court."

The devotee told India Satire correspondent that they will try all the legal options including requesting Pahlaj

Nihalani to personally look after the issue.   

(This is satire and fake news just created for generating some humour)

Critic of lengthy one day and test cricket played Playstation 4 for 18 hours

A harsh critic of test and one day cricket for being too lengthy, Pappu Pandey found playing on Playstation 4 for 18 hours nonstop till his body jammed and mouth pained due to constant yawning, said sources close to him.

"Pappu is famous for his criticism on 7-8 hours format of test and one day cricket respectively. He believes that the long hour format makes the game boring and also painful for ass. However, he played on some unknown game on Playstation for 18 hours which itself is shocking," said the source requesting anonymity.

The source confirmed that everybody in the group which is a fan of all formats of cricket decided to take on with Pappu over the hypocrisy.

Nostalgic Jihadi remembers his 'suicide bombing - suicide bombing' game of childhood

​Just before bombing one of the parks in Pakistan's province Punjab, Jihadi Al Ashfaq Rehman remembered the suicide bombing - suicide bombing game he played with his childhood friends and became nostalgic, reported Pakistan media.

"He just wiped out his tears from his eyes and confirmed his colleagues that he played this game in his childhood with his best friends," said a source present when the incident happened.

"That time it felt great when we wore that leather belt with small Chinese plastic bombs on it and jumped while shouting dhadaaam dhoooom," said Rehman "But I don't find those friends now. One of my friends joined ISIS, one joined Al-Shabab, and another one is at Lashkar-e-Taiba. I really miss them."

Pizza gives more wit than burger

According to an independent research on food habits, pizza has more good bacteria which improve intelligence 90% more than burger. The study shows that the bacteria is highly effective and attacks dim brain tissues and help consumer getting his intelligence back.

"Pizza consists of abundant amount of Lacosta Facosta, Italian bacteria which is good for brain's health. It is 10 times more in pizza compared to burger. Lacosta Facosta develops a naturally oily substance that occurs in animal bodies, especially when deposited as a layer under the brain. It is also called fat. Such kinds of 10 fatty layers develop in the human brain if he eats six pizzas a day," said the research paper "Burger has a capability of developing 2 layers in the brain."

The research concludes that having fat in brain is better than in tummy.

Government appoints addicts of mobile games, WhatsApp to help improve focus of students

In an unprecedented but important move, Government of India decided to appoint addicts of mobile games, WhatsApp and Facebook to help students improving their concentration levels. Education Minister Smriti Irani yesterday sent a circular to head masters and principals of all schools and colleges, asking them to identify students/people/animals who always keep themselves busy in games, WhatsApp, Facebook and/or in Twitter.

"That way these addicted people could be used for productive purposes. They are highly focused people on a particular thing and could be used to teach others how to concentrate. In Prime Minister Narendra Modi Government, even a dog will have to work, forget these addicts. Each and everything will be used for productive purposes. I always amused with why these addicted people have so high concentration while playing Temple Run or Subway Surfer. I think students lacking concentration could learn from them. That is what our Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modi's goal is," said Education Minister Smriti Irani in exclusive chat with India Satire Correspondent Pappu Pandey.

Kanhaiya Kumar's childhood photo of exercising right to pee anywhere released

Kanhaiya's friend Pappu has given his childhood photo when he exercised his right to pee on a wall.

Somewhere people are working on new problems before all the problems died down in the world - Report

Somewhere in the world few people from different streams are incessantly working on finding out some new problems to face the situation of all problems dying down in the world, said a study report of India Satire newsroom.

"People are working on all sorts of issues such as new impediments and diseases, new terror organizations, communal issues, inflation and every other problem. They are concerned about how the world would revolve if there would not be any scathing issue," said the report "People from media houses are working on issues to be created to criticize and communalize, people of political parties are thinking on new issues to politicize, pharmaceutical players are thinking about developing new diseases to cure them. Everybody is working on creating some issues and problems to keep the basket of problems full for the world."

Pakistan invents cancer proof livers to fortify North Korea's invention of hangover-free liquor

After North Korea's invention of hangover-free alcohol, its sister country Pakistan immediately invented cancer proof liquor to complete the logical end of invention. If both mixed together, a cancer proof and hangover free liquor is actually made and serve to people, said Pakistan's official source.

"Pakistan has helped North Korea in the past in terms of invention and research. North Korea invented nuclear and hydrogen bomb using our research papers and now if they want to invent something big for the humanity then Pakistan would not stay behind," said Ashfaq Hussain, Executive President of Pakistan China Institute, the newly-formed think tank "Research and Development International (RANDI)".

According to Hussain, RANDI has extensively used uranium and plutonium to reduce cancer risks from liquor.

"Anybody who takes sip of uranium and plutonium filled liquor would never have cancer risks," said Ashfaq Hussain.

According to India Satire source, China will supply newly invented bottles with nipple on to further compliment inventions of North Korea and Pakistan.

Santoor model celebrates her 17th birthday

Most beautiful Mom of India, mother of naughty and cute daughters, model of Santoor soap will celebrate her 17th birthday today.

"Wow I thought she was a teenager, but what I found is mother of 4 cute babies," said Ms. Asha Sharma, an accomplice of Ms. Shraddha Srivastava who were having general chit chat and gossiping in Santoor ad "However, we came to know she was having 4 little babies after one of them came to her saying Mummy Mummy."

According to sources the Santoor aunty is having her 17th birthday celebration and will invite all those who confused by her age.

"She still looks 25 years old and not 17," said Ms. Sharma "Now I am confused that after using Santoor soap would I look 10 years older than my current age."

Haryana Police arrests Pappu Pandey for laughing on joke on Godman

An aam aadmi Pappu Pandey was arrested by Haryana Police for laughing on the joke made by Piku Sharda on a respected Godman on a television show 'Comedy Tights with Pupil'. Pappu Pandey was held from Timbaktu after Godman's disciples came to know he was laughing while watching the show on the TV.

"What was there in that show for laughing so loudly? We Haryanans never laugh while still this guy was laughing on a joke made on our Godman. We came here to Timbaktu as a complaint was lodged against Pappu for laughing over some unnecessary joke by this Piku," said Haryana Police Inspector Randeep Hooda.

​Next time Manmohan Singh will have to think before laughing

It is said that Pappu will be released when the respected Godman would come from his shooting and after that he will consider Pappu's apology and will take back his complaint. According to government sources of India Satire, the government is likely to release the contours of freedom of laughing in just few days.

(P.S.: Reporter of this story was arrested for reporting this story by the disciple of the respected Godman)

Mumbai Local Train Ticket Checkers work as sweepers for the rest of month

Now you don't need to wonder where these Mumbai local train ticket checkers, popularly known as TCs, Mamu or Master go for rest of the month after taking a random check on some random day of the month. A sting operation carried out by India Satire correspondent Pappu Pandey reveals that TCs who work on any random day of the month cleans platform, toilets and wash basins every day. Pappu carried out a month long sting operation putting his life at stake on a busy railway station in Mumbai. He tracked all the movements of ticket checkers and their behavioral pattern. "Yes, we work as sweepers for rest of the month. Just for some 'upar ki kamaai' we become TCs on some random day which is decided at the meeting in our Indian Association of Sweepers-cum-TC office. Who would like to do that shitty stuff of checking tickets otherwise?" said Ramakant Sharma, a TC who was in an attire of vest and brief (chaddi-banyan) while sweeping the platform.

A man records his name in Guinness Book of World Records by taking selfie in crowded Mumbai local train

A man in living in Borivali recorded his name in Guinness Book of World Records by taking his selfie in overcrowded Virar to Churchgate local train. According to our correspondent, Pappu Pandey who is famous for getting into Virar-Churchgate train on Borivali station and Churchgate-Virar train on Andheri station has added a new feather to his cap. Yesterday in a pack train he pulled out his mobile phone from his pocket, lifted his hand till his waist line and in a fraction of minute towards his face and clicked a selfie. Everybody in the train stunned and congratulated him for his achievement and loudly applauded.

"Just by lifting his mobile phone from his pocket in that crowded train, Pappu recorded his name in the Guinness Books, taking selfie is next leg," said Champak Sharma, Pappu's companion in the train.

Mumbai local train commuter unexpectedly realizes he was buffalo in his past life

In a sudden and totally unprecedented turn of event, a Mumbai local train commuter Pappu Pandey realized he was buffalo in his past life and recalled beautiful moments of that life. Pappu was travelling in the Virar to Churchgate local train and got into the train from Borivali station with a lot of efforts.

"Ah! Baaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh Bwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhh, said Pappu when he was sandwiched between 4-5 people in the compartment," said an eyewitness who was standing near door of the train "The pressure was so high that he closed his eyes and entered into his past life and started talking in buffalo's language,."

Pappu pleasantly recalled how he was sandwiched between 2-3 buffalos in a cargo train when those compartments were filled with 100s of buffalos that time and how all these buffalos arranged the tight space without irritating others.

"Local train is quite difficult bet," said Pappu in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent "Those were the days when we used to feel specific shitty smell and lots of wide space despite more number of buffalo commuters than people in local train. We used to play antaksharis with lots of bwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh songs just like Arijit Singh. But in my current life, human beings are very pathetic commuters."

Satirists took oath of writing politically correct humour on the anniversary of Charlie Hebdo's attack

All the satirists in the world took an oath in Global Conference of Satirists Stupidists that they would remain politically correct every time they write any satire. The event was arranged on the eve of first year anniversary of an attack on Charlie Hebdo.

Every satirist took an oath, "Humour sucks/Satire yucks! There is no need to make satire on each and everything from here onwards. We will remain politically correct and screen each and every satire before posting it to website/blog/anything that could be made public. Our satire will be against those who are soft like a loath of bread who never respond/react on anything written about them, e.g., Barack Obama."

Fully veg man made out of potato and soybean to be created in next few years - God

God confirmed that fully vegetarian man made from soybean, potato, cheese, paneer and maida would be created in next few years instead of current stature of human being of meat, flesh and bones.

"I had many requests from many communities that they are averse of non veg so much that they feel although their diet is fully veg they themselves are bodily non veg because of their flesh, meat, limbs and bones. They told me that they should have been endowed with a right to choose with veg or non veg body," God told India Satire correspondent in an exclusive interview "I think they are right and I will be creating man made from aloo, paneer, and soybean tikkis. If the soul is rich it will have cheese body."

God told correspondent that he would keep in mind about Jain veg, vegan and eggatarian in mind before making its first prototype human being.

Pros and Cons of new year resolutions

Now everyone is out of his hangover of 31st night, let's talk about new year resolutions. New year resolutions are generally prepared for wife, parents, friends and girlfriends. So let's discuss the pros and cons of new year resolutions.

Pros

·         You get whole new year to break those resolutions

·         You still feel confident and balanced although you say something stupid which you are not going to stick upon

·         A day's saving from wife

·         Becomes certain that hangover has gone after the resolution

Cons

·         Somebody kicks your ass on timely manner for not fulfilling those resolutions

·         Needs to say samething which last year you said

·         World feels like ended when you feel accomplished before completing a single resolution in the year

·         Routine and boring process

Looking back at the biggest news stories of 2015

Reported by Alien4dec

India Satire special correspondent Alien4dec reports the important developments and events of 2015.

Let's glance at 2015 with humble eyes

Jan: Indrani voted as 'Personality of the Year'

Playboy, America's men lifestyle and entertainment magazine declared Indrani Mukerjea as the 'Personality of the Year'. Amongst many high profile contenders she grabbed the top spot defeating Dawood, Bollywood and Hollywood.

Feb: Bollywood legalises same-plant flower marriage

Bollywood becomes the first ever cinemas to legalize same plant flower marriages which are shown during love making scenes. LGBT community welcomed censor boards bold yet compassionate decision.

March:  Sunny Leone joins Bollywood, Porn banned in India

Taking preventive measures, government banned porn, since Sunny Leone applied for ration card in India along with permanent citizenship of bollywood.

April:  Humble 'Cow' declared India's national animal.

However, in an unexpected twist, the humble 'Cow' emerged as 'National animal of India". Post, save the Tiger campaign by India, now the number of Tigers have grown significantly and in order to avoid extinction of cow, immediate law was passed in both the houses of parliament basis the PIL filed by Maneka Gandhi, environmentalist and animal rights leader in India, to ban the slaughter of the cow and declare it as the national animal, which led to massive debates online and offline, spiraling into the 'beef controversy'.

May: Twitter "Most Eligible Bachelor" Polls

Salman Khan registered a massive mandate as "Most Eligible Bachelor" in Twitter polls, winning 67 of 70 votes defeating the congress party politician Rahul Gandhi.

June: Patanjali withdraws noodles from stores across India

After being banned in several states across the country, following an outbreak of accusations that its instant noodles packet contained no maida and therefore harmful for people with unhealthy diet and who want to improve their immunity,

"Patanjali Ayurveda ignored the improved immunity of people due to eating maida," said a spokesperson of rival brand. Patanjali decides to take noodles off shelves all over India.

A statement issued by Baba Ramdev said: "The trust of our consumers and the safety of our products is our first priority. Unfortunately, recent developments and unfounded concerns about the product have led to an environment of confusion for the consumer, to such an extent that we have decided to withdraw the product off the shelves, despite the product being safe."

July: Tamil Nadu floods

After watching, Sajid Khan's super flop Himmatwala in Chennai, Aamir Khan cried out so loud that entire city, experienced flood crisis as the actor could not stop crying and all the rivers and lakes overflowed, rail tracks and runways were flooded and roads collapsed. Many victims have suggested that Aamir Khan should leave India due to extreme intolerance amongst people for his torrential tears. The 50 years old actor said, "I am highly emotional person and could not stop my tears after watching Himmatwala and this movie should be banned permanently to avoid any further floods in India".

Aug: Free Petrol distribution by Arvind Kejriwal

On 1st Aug which is worldwide celebrated as Girlfriend's Day, CM of Delhi, Arvind Kejriwal declared a scheme of free distribution of 4 liters of petrol every year to each Delhiites having even number plates on their vehicles to mark the birth anniversary of King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia who had more than 25 wives.

Rahul Gandhi leader of singleton along with several Engineers marched India Gate to protest this decision, obviously we all know the reason, and neither he nor engineers have any girlfriend.

Sept: Govinda named "TIME Person of the Year 2015"

The most influential magazine named film actor Govinda as the "Time person of the Year", who has been known for consistently coming late to film shoots for more than two decade.

Oct: Best Actor Academy Awards

The Academy Awards, commonly referred to as the "Oscars" is an annual American awards ceremony honoring cinematic achievements in the film industry. Surprisingly, this year Italian-born Indian politician Sonia Gandhi received this honourable award for her outstanding contribution as an actress in leading role in Indian politics.

Nov: Google CEO Sundar Pichai to join Indian Cricket Team

While speaking to India Satire correspondent, CEO of Google, Sundar Pichai, said that in his childhood he always wanted to be a cricketer and after watching legend Sachin Tendulkar play for India, he was determined to lead the Indian cricket team. So, finally on children's day, he quit Google to join the Indian Cricket Team and represent as the Captain of the team.

Dec: Earth to end on 31st Dec 2015

Last Christmas, yes the world shall celebrate their last Christmas in 2015 since, NASA in a breaking news declared that world will come to end on 31st Dec 2015. So, all the citizens across the world are enjoying and partying like never before, since all school, colleges and offices are closed permanently.

(Reported by our special correspondent Alien4dec. You can follow her on Twitter and LinkedIn)

Sensex and Nifty to give up their rallies in protest of rising intolerance in India; GDP and Fiscal Deficit thinking on the similar lines

India's leading benchmark indices Sensex and Nifty decided to return their rallies started after the announcement of Narendra Modi as Prime Ministerial candidate of India. Both the indices told India Satire correspondent that they will return to September 13 levels when BJP officially announced Mr. Modi as PM candidate.

"We also want to contribute to award waapsi movement. Now that we are up by more than 35% since the announcement, we decided to give up all the returns and decline to pre announcement levels. We can't bear the rising intolerance in India and therefore we appeal all the key participants traded in us should return their price gains," an official release by Sensex and Nifty released today.

Sensex and Nifty were at 19733 and 5851 levels respectively when announcement of Narendra Modi as PM candidate came. According to a source in Central Statistical Organisation (CSO), India's GDP and fiscal deficit along with other indicators are also thinking on the similar lines.