India Satire introduces top stories of the day article. These will involve today's stories from Google News and the utter nonsense unreal stories by India Satire.
Top Headlines
Pranab Mukherjee missing after his name as a President candidate becomes stronger
Hillary Clinton said it was hilarious to think she would not make Mamata didi hilariously laugh
Gallop poll said US citizens voted Hillary Clinton as most hilarious lady on the earth after she planned to visit Mamata didi in Kolkata over convincing her on FDI in retail issue
After losing elections, ex-French President Nicolas Sarkozy said that he would not lose sleep over his sex life and would try to convince girlfriend, boyfriend and wife for more sex.
BJP said that the news '56 Rajasthan MLAs back Vasundhara Raje against RSS-backed rival Gulabchand Kataria' is just speculation and these MLAs only went to attend the fashion parade of Vasundhara Raje.
Greece set for deadlock after vote against austerity, citizens voted that few more days on Germany's money would be great to live. Working hard for earning bucks... really sucks... yucks!
Government stand on GAAR to set market course... he he he... market reaction is definitely dependent on the losing sleep of Pranab Mukherjee
ET Survey said that markets remain positive till the time Pranab Mukherjee gets last night sleep
After Bangalore's win over Deccan Chargers, Vijay Mallya postponed his suicidal attempt over Kingfisher Airlines debt issue.... however, pilots still stubborn on 9th May strike date
Vijay Mallya said that he didn't need to worry now as the people who are or would be travelling, would come from free extra mile coupons of Kingfisher Airlines
Misconception over foreign trips: President Pratibha Patil. She said that foreign trips are made to be for everybody in India and are not just accessible to first person of the country.
If acting fails, I'll try singing: Parineeti Chopra, he he he... doesn't matter
Bollywood friends made it easy for me to work here: Ali Zafar. He said he was happy that perception of Indian people changing they are becoming more humane and mature enough to understand human values like Pakistanis.
Party confirmed that Pranabda's name is not in the list of 125 candidates
Indian government finally reacted on the news that Pranab Mukherjee is the main presidential candidate and would get retirement for 6 years at least from the politics.
"Who said Pranabda is the candidate for President? He is not included in the list of 125 candidates from the Congress Party," said Janardhan Dwivedi, Congress spokesperson.
However, news sites are flooded with Pranab as a candidate for Presidential elections. Few sites are telling that he is a front runner while few says that Mamata Banerjee is not happy with selection and few said that BJP may accept him as a president.
Mr. Dwivedi said "There are some conspiracies going in the unnamed opposition parties and useless media which are trying to force a voluntary retirement on Pranabda who is our strongest leader in the party and therefore the government has decided to ask CBI to investigate who is spreading these false rumours."
"We already have nominated 125 candidates which include unemployed Suresh Kalmadi, harmless Hamid Ansari and to useless Manish Tiwary, but there is no name called Pranab Mukherjee," Dwivedi informed.
Asked Democrats to increase his security, as Pakistani military can attack his house anytime
Pakistani Army chief Ashfaq Pervez Kayani threatened the US president Barack Obama and asked him to come to Pakistan to face court trials and answer to the public, as why he killed St. Osama-bin-Laden.
Cheering a huge crowd, Kayani said "Peter Bergen's latest book 'Manhunt' is correct in what saying that he asked Obama to go public. However, now as US economy is dwindling severely, I ask him to come here face trials in courts and late people decide his fate."
Ironically, Kayani said that Pakistani is an emerging country while sun is setting in America so it should not dare Pakistan in any way. "Whatever they did with Janaab Osama, we can now easily do with Obama in USA," said Kayani.
The impact was very sharp in White House, as Barack Obama demanded special security of military people which is now turned back from Afghanistan.
Sources said "Obama called FBI chief requesting him to increase his security, as any time Pakistan army can conduct a raid on the White House."
"Obama afraid of Pakistani court which gives funny and idiotic decisions," told the same source. Pakistani court which had done nothing to Osama-bin-Laden ordered the government to take his wives into custody (he he he, sorry funny n).
Obama also called a special Democrat Party meet asking all the democrats to buckle up all their fat tummies and try him to win the elections against Mitt Romney so that he would continuously get such kind of security.
There is no free lunch and there is no free massage - Mukul Roy
Post recruitment on a sensitive place, India's Railway Minister Mukul Roy started improving railway performance by implementing stricter measures. He declared that Mumbal local train commuters will have to pay for the massage treatment they are getting in the train which currently is free of cost.
"Local train is not free massage parlour. They should have to pay for the massage they are getting in the locals. For such kind of massage, any parlour charges at least 1000 rupees while incase if it is for a dedicated massage for medication purpose then doctor charges in thousands. I am asking a paltry 1 rupee an hour long session of massage and therefore rupees 2 for returning journey," said Mukul Roy talking to reporters of various media houses.
Mukul Roy, who replaced Dinesh Trivedi as Railway Minister said that he would be very strict for the passengers who considers trains as free medication facilities. This will also increase the revenues for the railways by multiple times in line with other initiative. Railway said that the charges for second class passenger will be Re1 for one hour (45 kms) and 0.5paise after every additional 10 kms while first class passengers which are less fortunate will have to pay 0.5 paise for one hour (45 kms) and additional 0.1paise after every additional 10 kms.
Mukul Roy's secretary Vandana Yadav said "Uncle is very serious this time and would really stop the wastage of railway resources. His first target is using Mumbai Suburban trains for other causes than actually meant for. Mumbai local train commuters can't use railway crowd for their personal satisfaction."
Sources said that Mukul Roy gave a surprise visit to Mumbai trains in peak hours. This was the first time any railway minister really travelled by local train in the peak hour when 1000 people get into locals in just 30 seconds.
"His waist pain treated immediately in that half an hour journey," said the source who was present while travelling "And therefore he thought that getting such a superb massage for free of cost is not really a good idea."
"It is totally unconventional to our belief. Earlier we used to think that Mumbai local passengers are unfortunate to face the heavy rush in the trains and their life was hell. But Mr. Roy enlightened us and showed how Mumbai local passenger is using train as a massage parlour," said Chairman of Indian Railways Vinay Mittal.
Answering to India Satire correspondent's question whether Mamata didi is agree with the initiative, Mukul Roy said "She is very happy as far as the charges are limited to the outside boundaries of Poschim Bonga."
Reasons behind voluntary retirement scheme (VRS) for Pranabda
India Satire finds out the reason why Congress Party is trying for Pranabda to become India’s President. A leaked party document revealed the real truth behind this move.
Pranabda discusses economic conditions of India with Rahul Baba
Infosys, most reputed and second largest IT company in India plans to enter into new horizons as the cash and bank balance became the headache for its management. Irritated with the criticisms that Infosys has no guts to use its huge cash and bank balance on the balance sheet, management decided to enter into different field which will have a big captive consumer.
"We are inspired by Wipro which is also an IT company. Wipro has consumer division also which is doing fine for the company. It manufactures and markets various soaps and variety of FMCG products," said S. Gopalakrishnan, Executive Co-Chairman of the company. He said that Wipro has a successful track record of managing FMCG business.
S. Gopalakrishnan, popularly known as Kris said "We appointed Mr. Arindam Chaudhuri, tan expert to find out how to go into new areas of business as there is no opportunity left for us to invest in IT sector. He came out with a robust plan which solidly impressed us. The revenue model is so strong that our expected return on capital employed, which was the major reason why we didn't move to take over any company will sustain, or best case it will improve only."
Kris said "Actually, management thought to add staff to manufacture the FMCG products, however, Mr. KV Kamath, our Chairman said that we should ask existing employees to work in double shifts. He enlightened us that a second shift at current salaries with free fairness product offerings will ensure optimum utilisation of resources."
Talking about the products, he said "We shall first introduce range male fairness products which we shall first test with our employees and then launch in the markets." Infosys' employee strength is almost 150000 employees. He also told that the employee strength can be the captive consumer also.
The company's CEO and MD S. D. Shibulal said "We are astonished by our new venture. See its simple maths, even if our half of employees buy range of products worth 400 rupees per month we can easily generate Rs36Cr of revenue."
Shibulal said "Interestingly, we shall outsource all the manufacturing work from our BPO division which will work in second shift while any chemical reactions from the products will be solved by services division."
IIPM think tank, Arindam Chaudhari who provided the detailed project report to Infosys said "Actually, I was against those who firmly criticised Infosys for not using its huge cash, growing at a sloath like pace and happy by earning income from fixed deposits and mutual funds. They don't have sense while criticizing anybody. While Infosys has reached the levels where they can't invest in IT, I thought presenting a detailed plan on FMCG product development."
Infosys employees, however, gave negative reactions and they are not very interested in working 8 hours more for some bull$hit fairness products.
B. Ramalingam, a software engineer said "This idea sucks and we know this can come from the brain of Arindam Chaudhari. We are neither interested in bullshit range of fairness products nor to work in double shift."
Finally, the talks were that Infosys is on the verge to enter ICICI Bank's double growth strategy by extending the work hours for employees.
PPP kind of model to help commuters to go fresh and clean to their offices
Mumbai local trains which are popular as massage parlour in other sense, as free all body massage is possible due to low density of space occupation by commuters has a good news for its reliable customers/train travellers. The Railway Ministry has proposed to offer press for a nominal charge to all its travellers whenever they get down the train after a sharp, tight and tremendously crowded more than half an hour to almost 2 hours journey.
"Yea that's correct. We shall offer a custom based instant press, dry clean and stain remover with high-tech formula to all our train commuters. They will get press on their shirts and trousers, sidelining few crucial limbs immediately they get down the crowded local trains. All will be done on PPP (public-private partnership) model," Chairman of the Ministry of Railways, Vinay Mittal informed India Satire.
1000 passengers get into each of the compartments local train within 30 seconds, reflecting a need for special privilege service of the cleanliness.
Vinay Mittal said "While there were many online reports and research is available on how to get on and off the local trains, we would like to more value added service."
"No online service has the reach like us to captivate the real sense of passenger," Mittal said proudly in an interview to India Satire. Talks were that already muddling Railways is expected to take huge burden on its budget. However, Mittal denied the allegations and said that PPP model will help reduce any kind of burden and the popularity of Indian Railways will only increase. He also said that Mr. Mukul Roy, Railway Minister took all the required approvals from Higher Authority Ms Mamata Didi Banerjee for implementing the scheme.
According to officials, the model will work like this. A presswala will stand with high-tech steam press (low heat) on the platform waiting for a local. Whenever passenger with wrinkles on his shirts and trousers will come down, the presswala will approach him and will offer the service. If commuter accepts, he will immediately press his shirt and trouser on-the-spot. If there are stains, sweat or anything ridiculous on the shirts, presswala will offer dry clean and stain removing on the spot with a very meager price.
India's sole presswala organisation, Dhobi-ghat Association of Mumbai (DAM) confirmed that it was the one which is chosen to press the clothes of the commuters on the spot.
"Yes," said Ram Kisan Yadav, who stays in Dharavi which has a large space dhobi-ghat in Mumbai. He said "We are happy to serve people press-on-the-spot and would also help them getting more value added services like perfume-on-the-spot, deo-on-the-spot."
Talking to his other initiatives, he said "Passengers who were seating all the time in the train will be offered perfume on the spot service while travelers who were standing for hours in the train will get deodorant treatment to reduce the sweatiness." He confirmed that these services are free and will act as value addition to the PPP model offered by Railway Ministry.
He said "We have already ordered a 3 months quota from nearby 'Saandu Perfumeries and Deodorants Agencies'. The agency gave us one month free deos and perfumes of local 'Axe' and 'Brute' brands, respectively."
However, he didn't disclose the price which the association will charge to commuters.
The association joined hands with undisclosed Japan based press and dry-clean company for technical know-how and other business inputs. This Japan based company already sent a model of 'Press' to the association for approval and the model is approved unanimously. Photo of this sleek and elegant model is given above.
He said "We are working on the formula and the prices will be nominal."
Vinay Mittal said "Right now, we are working out the formula for press on the ladies clothes; we have very limited lady dhobis. We have put tenders open but nobody has really approached us."
He said "I am in talks with Minister Mukul Roy to make it mandatory to wives, mothers, and daughters of all the dhobis to take the education of dry cleaning, press and stain removing system under the Right to Education Law."
The development received mixed response. While few commuters are happy for this service, few said it sounds ridiculous and nasty to experience a dhobi removing wrinkles on the spot from their shirts and trousers.
