India Satire introduces top stories of the day article. These will involve today's stories from Google News and the utter nonsense unreal stories by India Satire.
Top Headlines
Former BJP president Bangaru Laxman, convicted for accepting Rs one lakh bribe in a fictitious arms deal case, today sought leniency on the ground that there should be minimum amount fixed to consider a gift amount as bribe. One lakh... yucks compared to A Raja's one lakh crore.
Congress general secretary Rahul Gandhi visited the drought-hit regions in Mumbai's Satara district on Saturday morning, and assured locals that if they choose Congress in 2014 elections, he will bring the rains to their home. He said he has direct connections with Hindu deities Brahma and Indra.
I have to lift my performance, otherwise I will lose my position in Mumbai Indians as well: Harbhajan
Ban Ki-moon refrains from commenting on expansion of UN Security Council; privately said India requires to develop more than 9000km missiles to claim the seat
US disclosed a shocking truth, Yousuf Raza Gilani is still Pakistan PM
Sachin Tendulkar not in Rahul Gandhi's Cong: Raj Thackeray; Tendulkar is now confused over exactly how many parties are claiming his ownership, Manipur People's Party said it has all the rights to say that Tendulkar represents its principals
Entry of Apple's new iPad threatened the market share of Akash Tablet
We are ready to combat iPad3 threat by Akash II - Datawind
After Arjun Ranatunga'sremovalBCCI plans mergeSri Lanka Cricket with itself to achieve better integration benefits
Anil Kapoor told that he was called ganda hero (dirty hero) when he used to sport a stubble. However, he denied that he never talked about the stubble on his chest, back, stomach, thighs, hands, handcuffs, fists, and many places.
Fuel prices need to be appropriate: Manmohan Singh, by mistake read Petroleum Minister's speech
Shocking revelation may create fear among the sexoholic youth
BRIEF NEWS
Senior Congress leader ND Tiwari said that recent sex activities exhausted him so much that his sperms are totally drained and would not recover by next 1 to 2 years. ND Tiwari has recently asked by Court to prove that he was not Pappa of a youth who filed paternity suit claiming to be his biological son.
"Guys, I am exhausted so much that its difficult for me to perform and planning to put whole hearted focus in politics," said ND Tiwari to India Satire correspondent.
Spitting his paan in the drawer of his side table, he said "Now, I am just feeling the heat that on the one side I look at some girl and other side just feel that would not be kicked off properly makes me frustrated. I love to be fanatic with sexual fantasies in the midnight which makes me cool for the next day's work but now that too I can't offer. I was just thinking to request Madamji to consider me for the elections for President of India," said ND Tiwari.
When India Satire correspondent asked him about trying Viagra, Tiwari said "What the f*ck? Viagra only helps in raising the capacity not filling the water in raised capacities. What will I do just by increasing the capacity of tank while I would not have water to fill the tank?"
He is optimist that if he chooses to be a President of India, he will definitely make the position glamorous.
Tiwari urges High Court to allow him to inaugurate sperm donation camp before blood tests for social service
BRIEF NEWS
Narayan Dutt Tiwari, veteran Congress leader requested the Delhi High Court to permit him to inaugurate sperm donation camp in the remote areas of Nagaland before giving a blood sample for DNA test in the paternity suit filed by a youth claiming to be his biological son.
"Actually, we have to immediately move to Nagaland just to inaugurate the sperm donation camp. As this is importnt service to the society, I prefer first to inaugurate it and then will give my blood tests," said ND Tiwari in a request to the court.
The Court told that the decision will be taken next Tuesday and deferred the date of the blood test of ND Tiwari.
Welcome to a Circus where you will not be a Ring Master
Now as Sachin Tendulkar has decided to join the Rajya Sabha of India as a member of Parliament we are happy but sad too as nobody remains unbiased in the game of politics. India Satire’s all the correspondents while giving the thanks to Sachin Tendulkar also provides him some tips to tackle this new role. You may laugh on it, you may think on it, you may feel all these are idiotic, but these may be helpful.
·Wear your helmet all the time. Nobody knows from where the ball comes and injury happens.
·Use cover drive and square drive at full potential on the bowling from the opposition. But don't try to bowl them out as they are better batsmen than you.
·Don't try to consider yourself as god, there are many in the Parliament.
·You must have experienced over last few months how to skip the resignation demands. This experience you can use as a politician.
·Here you can make 100 years as a MP, nobody will ask you for resign or everybody might have stopped asking about it.
·100% chances that you will lose your innocence so shift from Boost to Revital for showing a masculinity attitude. You will say Revital hai to sab kuch hai, instead of Boost is the secret of my energy.
·Congress always wants to play somebody as an opening batsman to cover / defend Rahul Baba in the middle. Chances are the party is going to send you as an opening batsman in the test matches of parliament, which you have no experience so be cautious.
·Never learn from your mistakes but tell other people their mistakes.
·Fu*k the past experience, start a new with every passing day, is the past mantra of every politician. They are so idiots that they forget what they did in the past, near past or far more past. Example of near past is Abhishek Manu Singhvi and far more past is Bofors and Rajiv Gandhi.
·Here you are not Sachin Tendulkar, only Sachin Tendulkar is Rahul Baba and Ramakant Acharekar is Diggy Chacha, so take few tips from Gautum Gambhir, Virendar Sehwag, Murli Kartik, or Virat Kohli as how they manage to play under pressure that the country only follows Sachin Tendulkar.
·Married? that's great because every Congressman thinks every single girl, aunty, divorcee or widow is made for Rahul Baba.
·Don't concentrate on the innings here, as concentration on each ball means you will be out from any of other multiple balls.
·By the way, you are most welcome to Congress Party which has tried to betray nation also tried to turn the headlines of media from Abhishek Manu Singhvi, Bofors scam and now Toilet scam.
·And last but not least, Congress party chooses you to turn the nation's eyes from the great High Profile Toilet Scam, don't forget this so that your feet will be always on the earth.
India Satire introduces top stories of the day article. These will involve today's stories from Google News and the utter nonsense unreal stories by India Satire.
Top Headlines
Congress nominated Sachin Tendulkar as a member of parliament; is it a shift in the mentorship of Rahul Baba from Diggy Chacha to Sachin Tendulkar
Confidential information, Rahul Baba switched from Bournvita to Boost, after Sachin told him Boost is the secret of my energy
Why normal monsoon season matters for India because minimum support prices increase a bit late.
Lokayukta supports Akhilesh Yadav on keeping chief minister out of its ambit; expects the government to consider a proposal of converting all the ministries into departments of chief minister
Around 1.16 crore missing toilets in Uttar Pradesh, Akhilesh Yadav said that he appointed a special task force to search who theft the toilets
Mayawati confirmed that she didn't use the construction material of latrines to set up her own statues; that construction material stinks a lot - Mayawati
Behenji Mayawati confirmed that she only used one toilet for potty and that too was imported from Mumbai
UN chief demands Syria withdraw weapons, troops; sources said Syria threw the paper into dustbin
Datawind launches cheapest tablet at Rs 2999 to compete its own Akash Tablets
Survey suggests people are confused whether to invest in Akash II tablet or wait for iPad's new version
