Those two months before movie release are terrible – Shahrukh Khan

I always scared in those 2 months ahead my movie release. I always ask that almighty God to somehow fast forward this period as soon as possible and let the movie release first. I have never bothered about movie's record on box office, as most of my movies are wholesale disappointments and height of inanity my concern is the promotion work. I afraid of that stupid fucking marketing activities in which I have to behave like an idiot a$$hole providing some bullshit information to press about my house, my affairs, my kitchen, my toilet, my bathroom and my doggy just to satisfy senses of my fans. Thanks to my beautiful wife Gauri who always give courage to me and just because her unswerving support, I could have managed those scary 2 months till date before every movie of my life. Now I believe that somehow I will manage promotion of 'Chennai Express' too.

Job of any actor is just like a job of politician. After winning election, no politician comes back to his territory for any kind of work he promised. Actors also do same thing. Post movie release, they forget who their fans and journalists. Neither they are interested in meeting journalists nor do they want to see any stupid fan again. But experience of movie promotion is appalling. First of all put a fake smile, give interviews with many lies, make some stupid comments and provide plentiful gossip to journalists so that few stupid fans would fight on TOI or Rediff's comment section and increase the awareness about my brainless movie.

Guys, seriously I never care a shit about Salman Khan, nor does he. But this is for stupid people like you, who want incessant flow of gossip from my side. Forget that. I want to tell you one thing, just because you guys, you and particularly those insane journalists who have IQ below 5 and asks stupid questions like how did you feel working with Deepika again types, I am really pissed off. I don't like girls calling me in a stupid way like 'Oh Cutie Pie' and 'oh sho shweet' or some body builder boy who highly jealous with my relationship with my best friend Karan Johar and dreaming about me in the night. I don't want all these things. I beg with majority of people who are not my fans at all and really have productive and creative work than watching my worthless movies, please pray for me and save me from these dreadful two months.

(Shahrukh Khan is one of the leading Bollywood actors)

"God, next time onwards I will give proper customer service, but remove these cases" - Bharti Airtel Chief Sunil Mittal

Today I am here to confess that my a** is burnt out of fear and I couldn't sleep properly because of continuous vomiting and loose motions. Still my a** is burning for visiting toilet for 10-15 times during last 2-3 hours. Reason for my loose motion is my fear that Court will put me inside jail or ban me from making any false commitments again. Hopefully! Court will not do that.

It was a special occasion for the Indian Judiciary when it issued summon to big business tycoon like me. But it is really an a** tarnishing day for me. How can I forget the day when I committed in front of God the time I received telecom licenses. I told him that I will serve people as like my mother and father. I will be their servant. I will give them a great telephonic and broadband experience and besides that I will appoint such representatives who would solve all of their queries with humbleness.

That was actually greatest day of my life. I was a kind of novice to the telecom business and wanted to say what an idealist businessman says to God. I also told him that if I don't serve my consumers properly, then he can punish me like a pig. I told him that whenever he finds something wrong in me or in my company, he can take a stick and start beating on my a**. However, God is punishing in some other way. It is like beating me in front of the entire public.

I am a bit humble and therefore I accept all my bullshitting. But that bad*** Ravi (Ruia), he is such an arrogant that he would never accept his mistake. Forget him. So let me tell you what has happened with me. Indian Court has recently put me in two cases. One accusation was about the additional 2G spectrum allocation and the other was providing 3G roaming services to new customers in seven circles where Airtel does not have license to do so. I know it was because of collective demands of all those customers whom I treated like shit and my customer service personnel which showed them that they are nothing more than trash.

Hey God! You don't know how much stupid services I offered to my customers. I literally showed them they are fools and made biggest mistakes of their life for choosing Airtel. One of the most idiotic things that I made was that I kept 7-8^th standard pass out guys as customer relationship manager to save few bucks. Yea, interestingly that time I was the most profitable telecom company in India. But below my a** I wasn't aware that my useless customer service would pull me down to such an era. Just yesterday I went to Airtel Shop to see my empire. It was look like a desi Pizza corner, and counter boys and girls were just like another Pizza boys and girls. I forgot that I was in Airtel Shop and ordered a Pizza.

Hey God! I forgot my commitment towards you and my customers and therefore I know that you are punishing like this. God! I again commit you this time is my last chance and I will try to serve customers like God. I am their servant. My customer care department will be humble and kind, giving best of services. But please remove these cases on me.

Arvind Kejriwal is fast bowler - Sheila Dikshit

This is my first article on the India Satire and I am happy that what I want to share would be in front of all happy Indians. First of all I want to cry again over the security of my daughter in insecure Delhi.

I am also crying for Arvind Kejriwal who is on fast for reasons like higher prices for electricity and water. I am with him. I also give him my support and if he requires any help I assure that I will be there like his small sister. I also feel crying that my big brother is on fast and I can't do anything. However, I have ensured that his rally gets adequate power and water. But I don't think that more than one people would get water and food just he has started fast. I ask all Aam Aadmi Party co-workers to sit on the fast and allow other Indians to eat and drink.

I request Union Government, considering giving an honour to Kejriwal. In my dreams, I saw him getting an honour of 'Fast Bowler'. Wow, it is so sexy to call him 'Fast Bowler Arvind Kejriwal'. I have sent my recommendation to Soniaji and now it is upto her to consider it.