With controversial statement, Aamir Khan formally revealed his step by step promotional strategy for Dangal

Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan on Monday confirmed that joining the rising chorus against growing "intolerance" and publicly uttering his wife Kiran Rao's suggestion to leave the country is actually a promotional activity before releasing his film. He told India Satire correspondent that he will go step by step to ensure that Dangal will be damn hit on the box office. He exclusively revealed all the steps he considers before releasing any movie.

Aamir Khan

 

"Guys, I am happy that I am here on India Satire to tell you about the successful marketing and promotional strategies to ensure any of my crap movies will succeed on the box office. You guys must have seen my third grade movies like Dhoom 3 and PK but you must have also seen that they are the most successful movies on the box office. So by revealing the strategies of marketing Dangal, I also reveal how to successfully market the crap and third class movies.

Step 1: Always make sure that every step, like from going to toilet or bathroom in the morning, to eating, sleeping, meeting other people and everything even yawning, burping, farting all should be in juxtaposition with the upcoming movie. See it's related to money boss, if you make billions of rupees then even if you shit that shit should be crying for money whenever it releases your tummy. I only think about money and the box office success of my movies easily comes thereafter. Even for that matter, my **** with ex-*** and putting my **** into mental hospital were real promotional ideas.

Step 2: Do anything that will help you garner public attention. So put yourself involved in Narmada Bachao Aandolan before Fanaa so that your fans who hate Narendra Modi would want to see that crap movie. Keep a big moustache to promote your third rated movie 'Mangal Pandey'. I will continue to stay 100kg of weight till the release of Dangal.

Step 3: Make some controversial statement to gain attention. Like this time it's 'Intolerance in India'. So it will allow me to promote both my tv program 'Satyamev Jayate' and movie 'Dangal'. Forget 'Incredible India' campaign, I am not going to get a single penny from it.

Step 4: Release some negativity filled program like Satyamev Jayate to show you are a heart filled person for society. I can also artificially shed some tears for no reason which I have learnt in my child hood. If you closely look at my programs they either try to weigh on political changes or before release of my movie. For example, previous year Satyamev Jayate was released twice, one before election (don't want to tell why before elections or is it because Modi and BJP) and one before release of PK. This year there was no benefit in releasing Satyamev Jayate as there is no political event lined up or no movie is going to be released. But next year I would require to release it and therefore my marketing for Satyamev Jayate, now and Dangal later has begun.

Hope you guys have understood my promotional activities.

In short, the following are the steps for successful box office releases

Step 1: Lock your ass to money making ideas

Step 2: Do anything to gain public attention

Step 3: Comment crap but controversial on social issues

Step 4: Release some third rated program before movie release"

Those two months before movie release are terrible – Shahrukh Khan

I always scared in those 2 months ahead my movie release. I always ask that almighty God to somehow fast forward this period as soon as possible and let the movie release first. I have never bothered about movie's record on box office, as most of my movies are wholesale disappointments and height of inanity my concern is the promotion work. I afraid of that stupid fucking marketing activities in which I have to behave like an idiot a$$hole providing some bullshit information to press about my house, my affairs, my kitchen, my toilet, my bathroom and my doggy just to satisfy senses of my fans. Thanks to my beautiful wife Gauri who always give courage to me and just because her unswerving support, I could have managed those scary 2 months till date before every movie of my life. Now I believe that somehow I will manage promotion of 'Chennai Express' too.

Job of any actor is just like a job of politician. After winning election, no politician comes back to his territory for any kind of work he promised. Actors also do same thing. Post movie release, they forget who their fans and journalists. Neither they are interested in meeting journalists nor do they want to see any stupid fan again. But experience of movie promotion is appalling. First of all put a fake smile, give interviews with many lies, make some stupid comments and provide plentiful gossip to journalists so that few stupid fans would fight on TOI or Rediff's comment section and increase the awareness about my brainless movie.

Guys, seriously I never care a shit about Salman Khan, nor does he. But this is for stupid people like you, who want incessant flow of gossip from my side. Forget that. I want to tell you one thing, just because you guys, you and particularly those insane journalists who have IQ below 5 and asks stupid questions like how did you feel working with Deepika again types, I am really pissed off. I don't like girls calling me in a stupid way like 'Oh Cutie Pie' and 'oh sho shweet' or some body builder boy who highly jealous with my relationship with my best friend Karan Johar and dreaming about me in the night. I don't want all these things. I beg with majority of people who are not my fans at all and really have productive and creative work than watching my worthless movies, please pray for me and save me from these dreadful two months.

(Shahrukh Khan is one of the leading Bollywood actors)

Rahul Gandhi to apply various scientific methodologies to tackle Narendra Modi

After it became clear that Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi will be the PM candidate for BJP, Congress Party Vice President Rahul Gandhi decided to work using various techniques of Applied Research, quantitative formula and empirical science to tackle him.

"I think all the challengers for PM's post, including Manmohan Singh are strong and powerful and therefore I will have to work with patience but still with perseverance. My strategy is clear, by using more and more scientific methodologies I want to achieve more and more granularity in my role towards the Indian voters so that they would understand my clear cut plan of action. I have recently conducted whole new research on Indian political science and found out various empirical evidences about the run to the Prime Minister's post.

Today, reason behind the column for the India Satire is to give my readers an idea of how I will work on the action plan. Many times in Indian social media, I found that people calling me Amul Baby and Buddhu Baba. But I wanted to ask you same question, are you Amul Baby, are you Buddhu Baba? I know even Albert Einstein was called as Buddhuchand, so calling me Buddhu Baba is an honour to me. I will also like to tell you that all the scientist minds look initially look strange species and stupidest people but when they innovate something they become the smartest of all. Actually, I didn't want to talk all about these things but I had to open my mouth for all my 90% fans in India.

Ok, now as the BJP has made it clear that Narendra Modi will be heading its election campaign for 2014 I have to clearly open my action plan in front of my fans to make them secure and more confident against their rivals.

See, I have worked on many complexities and therefore results of my entire research are quite robust. So first of all, I have gone through historical evidences in Indian politics to draw probabilities for the eligible PM candidates. I found out many people who can claim for PM's post, including myself. Then to achieve more and more granularity I worked on scientific methods like quantitative models, applied research methodologies and chemical mental balances of the candidates which took me to 4 major candidates. Then I put down my mathematical equations on one paper, used a long brain storming session with my brain again and again. Tried to find the issues that can haunt me and haunt these candidates during the elections and voter mentality and finally when I reached to the conclusion I found only one candidate against me, and that was Modi.

That made my task easier. Using few quant models, I understood how Modi functions. He will blast on me by asking how I will resolve issues such as corruption and scams but then my action plan is ready. I will ask him tell me how you will resolve. Then he will ask me how I will end the issues like inflation and slow industrial growth, I will ask him tell me how you will resolve. Yes, yes, tell me how will you resolve? Then he will I will solve the complex problems with foreign affairs, then I will ask him tell me how will you solve them? So in my plan of action, I will always remain offensive and smart enough to resolve his unnecessary but sensitive questions. But is he ready to give answers to firmly derived questions through my models? Is there any answer with him about religious issues? Is he ready to answer me, why there is no death of farmers in Gujarat despite severe draught? Is he ready to answer simple question, why there is no electricity scarcity in Gujarat? He has done nothing for Gujarat to get help and assistance from the Central Government, according to my models which I want to bring to the notice of my fan following.

Finally, I have put all the above pros and cons regarding various issues in the elections and put them into my laptop. When I hit the button 'Output' I got the answer which I want to tell my Indian voters. I am 99:01 heading in the elections. The model suggests that Modi will get 1% vote in 2014 elections and that too from BJP leaders.

"God, next time onwards I will give proper customer service, but remove these cases" - Bharti Airtel Chief Sunil Mittal

Today I am here to confess that my a** is burnt out of fear and I couldn't sleep properly because of continuous vomiting and loose motions. Still my a** is burning for visiting toilet for 10-15 times during last 2-3 hours. Reason for my loose motion is my fear that Court will put me inside jail or ban me from making any false commitments again. Hopefully! Court will not do that.

It was a special occasion for the Indian Judiciary when it issued summon to big business tycoon like me. But it is really an a** tarnishing day for me. How can I forget the day when I committed in front of God the time I received telecom licenses. I told him that I will serve people as like my mother and father. I will be their servant. I will give them a great telephonic and broadband experience and besides that I will appoint such representatives who would solve all of their queries with humbleness.

That was actually greatest day of my life. I was a kind of novice to the telecom business and wanted to say what an idealist businessman says to God. I also told him that if I don't serve my consumers properly, then he can punish me like a pig. I told him that whenever he finds something wrong in me or in my company, he can take a stick and start beating on my a**. However, God is punishing in some other way. It is like beating me in front of the entire public.

I am a bit humble and therefore I accept all my bullshitting. But that bad*** Ravi (Ruia), he is such an arrogant that he would never accept his mistake. Forget him. So let me tell you what has happened with me. Indian Court has recently put me in two cases. One accusation was about the additional 2G spectrum allocation and the other was providing 3G roaming services to new customers in seven circles where Airtel does not have license to do so. I know it was because of collective demands of all those customers whom I treated like shit and my customer service personnel which showed them that they are nothing more than trash.

Hey God! You don't know how much stupid services I offered to my customers. I literally showed them they are fools and made biggest mistakes of their life for choosing Airtel. One of the most idiotic things that I made was that I kept 7-8^th standard pass out guys as customer relationship manager to save few bucks. Yea, interestingly that time I was the most profitable telecom company in India. But below my a** I wasn't aware that my useless customer service would pull me down to such an era. Just yesterday I went to Airtel Shop to see my empire. It was look like a desi Pizza corner, and counter boys and girls were just like another Pizza boys and girls. I forgot that I was in Airtel Shop and ordered a Pizza.

Hey God! I forgot my commitment towards you and my customers and therefore I know that you are punishing like this. God! I again commit you this time is my last chance and I will try to serve customers like God. I am their servant. My customer care department will be humble and kind, giving best of services. But please remove these cases on me.

Arvind Kejriwal is fast bowler - Sheila Dikshit

This is my first article on the India Satire and I am happy that what I want to share would be in front of all happy Indians. First of all I want to cry again over the security of my daughter in insecure Delhi.

I am also crying for Arvind Kejriwal who is on fast for reasons like higher prices for electricity and water. I am with him. I also give him my support and if he requires any help I assure that I will be there like his small sister. I also feel crying that my big brother is on fast and I can't do anything. However, I have ensured that his rally gets adequate power and water. But I don't think that more than one people would get water and food just he has started fast. I ask all Aam Aadmi Party co-workers to sit on the fast and allow other Indians to eat and drink.

I request Union Government, considering giving an honour to Kejriwal. In my dreams, I saw him getting an honour of 'Fast Bowler'. Wow, it is so sexy to call him 'Fast Bowler Arvind Kejriwal'. I have sent my recommendation to Soniaji and now it is upto her to consider it.