Watch India Satire for week ended May 20, 2012
Monday, 21 May 2012
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Ram Gopal Varma to retire from Bollywood, RGV ki Aag 2 will be his last movie
BRIEF NEWS - BOLLYWOOD
Department's failure pressed RGV to take the decision
The week started with one good and one bad news for bollywood audience. First the good news was India's great talented trilogy film maker Ram Gopal Varma (RGV) plans to announce his retirement from bollywood while the bad news is that he will do that after completing the sequel of Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag.
"RGV was depressed so much after his new flick 'Department' received so rave reviews and flopped on the box-office so badly that he tried to make a suicidal attempt from his house window," said RGV's friend who asked to keep his name anonymous.
When India Satire correspondent dig deeply, RGV's friend told "RGV actually jumped from the first floor of his house. He had to admit to hospital to recover from serious ass-o-tic damage he went through." Note: Ass-o-tic damage is painful scratches on the bums.
"When he was in hospital, he said that now he wants retirement from this fuc*ing field where K-Jo's nonsensical movies become blockbuster and his artistic movies even don't attract even road side doggies," said RGV's friend.
Ram Gopal Varma is famous for trilogy movie making. He mastered the art of making movies on mafias, ghosts and bollywood.
Experts said that the actual reason for RGV's fall-out was he himself.
"He only watches his own films which put pressure on his delicate brain cells, creating a serious havoc like situation and therefore even doctors also suggest him to get retirement," said Chennai based Dr. Uday Sankar.
However, other sources confirmed that his retirement is not final.
Sources said "RGV is not considering retirement at least till he completes his sequel of RGV ki Aag."
RGV ki Aag which was a first of its kind non-ghost based horror movie, received great appreciation for sucking the Indian brains will see a sequel in which Babban Singh's (Gabbar Singh in Sholay) ghost will take revenge.
"This film would be a combo-offer for Indian audience. I will put both ghost and mafia in the movie, one of its kind,"
RGV told India Satire correspondent from the hospital.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
UPA ministers sent digestion tablets and medicines to Mamata Banerjee for celebrating 1 year in the government of West Bengal
BRIEF NEWS - POLITICS
Ministers said the stock of Eno for 1 year will help Mamata didi to digest her chief ministerial position
The ministers of UPA, excluding that which is from Trinamool Congress, sent a stock of digestive 'Eno' to Mamata Banerjee, who is going through severe pain of acidity and indigestion of her position as a Chief Minister of West Bengal. Though, Mamata didi's reactions yet to know, UPA ministers are confident that it will solve the overall gastrick trouble that came to the nation because of her sickness will be solved.
"Yea! right now nation needs her health to be clear and better. Her acidic problems increased so much that she is releasing gases from her mouth, which would not be good for the health of the country. Eno on Acidity gone," said India's Home Minister P Chidambaram. According to UPA government sources, Mamata didi diagnosed as having paranoia of CPM, a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.
Mamata Banerjee recently called a girl from Jadavpur University as 'Maoist' for raising question over cartoon saga.
"All these things are result of zero space on account of immense occupation of gases in the stomach," said famous innovator of zero loss theory, Kapil Sibal "I suggest her to take regular doses of Eno and Gelusil Antacid, which even I am taking for last few days helping me staying healthy."
According to sources, few UPA ministers and Congress leaders are regularly taking medicines on acidity and indigestion.
Sources said "Yea the effect of astonishing. Many leaders such as Kapil Sibal, Salman Khurshid, Digvijay Singh and Rahul Baba have taken the medicines and they have stopped releasing gases from their mouths. Therefore, they themselves recommended these medicines as a gift to Mamata didi for completing her 1 year of government in West Bengal on May 20."
Recent news: Reporter of this story, arrested by Kolkata Police as a suspected Maoist and CPI (M) supporter.
Friday, 18 May 2012
Facebook stories after its blockbuster debut on the US bourses
BRIEF NEWS - BUSINESS
Facebook's debut on bourses was almost a non-event - Market Sources
Facebook's IPO failed to make a mark on the US stock exchanges which led to generate many stories. Following are few of them.
· Facebook offers free stock trading in its shares to attract US investors and at least increase a bit of share price
· Facebook to offer free shares to people who liked Mark Zuckerberg's fan page
· Prices for toilet papers are expected to increase substantially in USA, as Mark Zuckerberg found in toilet post failure of Facebook debut. Toilet papers will be used to clean tears from eyes and what not!
· Main reason why Facebook could not attract buyers to lift it price was the social status dilemma. Many investors thought that the price of Facebook was so cheap that it would have affected their social status in America.
· Mark Zuckerberg posted a photo with crying pose post Facebook debut, attracted more than 3mn likes in 1 hour.
· Google, which was planning to buy Facebook post its listing postponed the plans, as not even a beggar showed any interest in its shares.
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BCCI plans to give reality show status to IPL in a move to attract many emotional viewers to increase TRPs
BRIEF STORY - CRICKET
Reality show producers hesitant and seeks ban on this move
After a much of mockery, crockery and talkery, BCCI finally decided that it will launch IPL-5 season as a reality show to attract many emotional eyeballs which are stick to the idiotic reality shows.
"Yes that's true! Wee aar dishkushing thish with Sharad Saar and Madam Haambika Shoni to give ush reality show shtatus," said BCCI president N Srinivasan. He said that such a move will attract more eyeballs in the upcoming IPL 6 season next year.
The development came after TAM released a data showing viewership of IPL 5 drastically despite a lot of emotional drama. TAM Sports, an audience measurement company that tracks TV viewership, the average TRP of the fourth season of the IPL is only 3.76. Last year, the IPL had managed to garner many more eyeballs on TV and the TRPs had shot up to 4.63.
BCCI Secretary Sanjay Jagdale said "Whatever Mr. Srinivasan is saying is right. Every member of BCCI is agreed
on this proposal. Our move will attract many emotional nuts who are very much fanatic and obsessive towards useless reality shows."
Sanjay Jagdale said that he was the one whose brain got such an idea.
"Actually while watching SRK's video on TV screen, my friend shouted that 'kya faltuki nautanki hai yaar' and suddenly it struck to may developed brain. I called Srini sir and he immediately forwarded the proposal to members and everybody agreed on that," said Jagdale.
He said "IPL provides more food for emotions than any ordinary reality show. We assure you that high quality of emotional drama in our show. First Bhajji's fight with umpire, then match fixing, SRK's fight with security guards and finally RCB's Luke Pomersbach molestation case, all have huge entertainment and sentimental value and therefore we decided to get the licence to operate as reality show with 'U' certificate."
However, other reality show producers were hesitant to allow IPL in reality shows area.
Producers of Amul Chhote Ustaad – Do Deshon Ki Awaaz said "This is total encroachment of our interesting and highly bombastic emotions. We shall complain Ambika aunty against BCCI's move. Our reality show lobby, Emotional Nuts Audience and Reality Show Association (ENARSA) will complain accordingly with the BCCI's move."
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Shahrukh Khan to watch IPL matches from the air using G-One's dress
TOP STORY - BOLLYWOOD
MCA's ban hardly impacts my thirst to watch IPL matches from Wankhede - Shahrukh Khan
Shahrukh Khan, popularly known as SRK released an official statement after MCA banned him for 5 years ban from entering Wankhede Stadium.
Mocking MCA's ban SRK's official statement "Shahrukh will use his G-one suit to watch all the IPL matches going forward from the air, keeping a distance of 1000 feet above the ground so that he will not face heat of flood lights."
The statement thrashed the claims of MCA officials that they can open or close Shahrukh's entry or exit from
Wankhede stadium.
"It's damn funny," said Shahrukh's friend and patch maker Sajid Khan "He he he... MCA officials forgot Ra-one as like India's audience. Though, film flopped across the theatres, Shahrukh kept his suit with himself to give it to his son when Aditya Chopra's son will make the remake of Ra-One. However, in the situation like this, he will definitely use it."
Sajid Khan informed India Satire correspondent that all the key members of SRK's family which include Farah Khan, Shirish Kunder, Gauri Khan, Karan Johar and Aditya Chopra discussed the issue for long 5-6 hours in the last night.
"Actually, Gauri Bhabhi was a bit concern when Piggy Chopps sent a message to SRK that don't worry if he is not getting entry in the Wankhede Stadium, her doors are always open. It took huge efforts from King Khan to convince Bhabhi that he is not in touch with her these days," said Sajid Khan.
Finally, after the long meeting to prove his love for his wife, SRK decided to use the G-one coat against his earlier commitment.
However, doctors are concern over SRK's decision that he will watch matches using G-one's coat.
Dr. Sahastrabuddhe, hand specialist said "Actually, just few day's back SRK's hands recovered from bending issues. His joints between the bones of hand were automatically bent while working the movie. They were so stiff that making them straight took a huge time. Now again he is going to wear that suit and again will give the same pose bending his hands will create a serious issues."
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Wednesday, 16 May 2012
Reactions over MCA’s threat to ban Shahrukh Khan for life
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