Digvijay Singh wary of rising influence of Mani Shankar Aiyar and Salman Khursheed in the Congress Party

Amid the race to reach the position of right and left hand of Sonia and Rahul Gandhi, Digvijay Singh camp is shattered by rising influence of a political duo Mani Shankar Aiyar and Salman Khurshid, said sources in Congress Party. An official source near the senior leadership of the party said that the party leader Digvijay Singh is chalking a strategy to counter balance the rising influence of both the leaders.

"It is disheartening for a senior leader like Diggy Chacha who throughout his life gave all the services without any return when opportunist leaders like Aiyar and Khurshid make such statements. The competition to become right hand of Sonia Madam and Rahul Baba is now intensely fierce and Chacha would do anything to win it," said the source.

Recently, Soniaji after Bihar elections announced a competition "My favourite second child" which if won would receive a certificate of Gandhi family loyalty and designation of right hand of the top party leaders. Runner up would get the designation of left hand of Gandhi family.

"Diggy Chacha was topping the race as his previous statement that 'Soniaji Desh ki Maata hai' made good impression in Madam's eyes. However, recent statements of Mani Shankar Aiyar who begged Pakistan to remove India's PM Narendra Modi and Khurshid's utterance that Pakistan PM Nawaz Sharif is apostle of peace clearly increased their influence. Now Chacha has to think of counter strategies to come back into the race," said the source.

According to secretary of Digvijay Singh, the top leader is expected to call a press conference today to announce few bomb blasting and lamb lambasting statements to come back to the race.

Government decided to bring higher authority to Supreme Court

UPA Government decided to work on higher authority to Supreme Court so that unviable and unjustifiable decisions of the premiere court can be reversed back. The decision has taken after a long brain storming session. All the MPs decided to grant the authority to make fair judgments to Congress President Sonia Gandhi. According to sources, the higher authority will be named as Sonia Gandhi Court (SGC) and the court will find out sense and fairness in the justice made by Supreme Court's judges.

"This will be the highest authority, even higher than SC and President of India," said the source direct knowledge to the development.

He said "After SC's nasty decision on MPs and MLAs that if they are convicted, can't join the office, we have decided to bring greatest of authorities in India into picture so that someone could judge decisions of SC judges with a fair view. The authority will find out sense and will make the clear, transparent and best final decision in favour of common Indian. We all were agreed that only Sonia Madam can take fair and best judgments. So we decided to make her final authority and name it as SGC."

The SGC will be headed by Sonia Gandhi while Rahul Gandhi will be Vice President. On the panel, leaders like Ahmed Patel, Digvijay Singh, Kapil Sibal and Salman Khurshid will help both of them. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has granted typist's role.

Nation demands more crackers from Shashi Kant Sharma, new Comptroller and Auditor General

Nation sent its demand for more and more fire crackers and scam revelations to new Comptroller and Auditor General of India (CAG) Shashi Kant Sharma to continue momentum developed by Vinod Rai during last 4 years. It asks that Sharma should not slow down ministers bashing till his term ends.

"What a roller coaster ride was that when Vinod Rai was heading CAG," said Pappu, the common man of India.

He said "It was full of fun and entertainment. Every day I am used to reading time pass news about some minister involved in some scam. Wow! I had never heard such big amounts of lakh crores etc. Feels like India is developing and becoming global power. Also bashing ministers on their asses was another fun. Full of time pass. Earlier, I was a bit disappointed to see that Vinod Rai was leaving CAG and thought the momentum would slow down. But I am highly optimist and believe that new CAG Chief would bash more ministers to prove his mettle."

Pappu still recalls how nation was overwhelmed after reading the multi lakh crore scams such as Coal blocks allocation, 2G spectrum allocation, some small scams like CWG and some cheap scamsters like Salman Khurshid involved in chindhi Rs70lakh fraud.

Salman Khurshid hospitalised found liters of Fevicol in his body

In a very sad event to India, External Affairs Minister Salman Khurshid hospitalised in AIIMS Delhi after he faced a serious digestion problem. The minister could not digest his meal for past 15 days. While the condition of Khurshid is now stable, Doctors asked him to control the binging of Fevicol.

"We found 6 liters of Fevicol in his body which was restraining him from digesting meal," said Dr. Ahuja who is treating Khurshid.

He said "Salman Khurshid used to consume a lot of adhesive on daily basis to improve the relationship with other nations, including neighbor countries. He believes in long-lasting relationship. However, due to his continuous and unrestrained lust for sweet Fevicol he crossed the recommended level for eating adhesives. A Foreign Minister is allowed to consume only 3 liters of Fevicol in 5 years. But this guy is a Rocket he drank double the recommended quantity in just 1 year. Boss, just can't see his underwear over his pant otherwise I would have called him Superman."

According to sources, every foreign minister of India consumes Fevicol (popular adhesive in India) which helps him improving stickiness in the relationship with other nations, particularly with neighboring countries. The sources also told that since joining the office Khurshid was greedier towards the adhesive leading to a serious systemic failure in his body.

 "His stomach was full of unwanted sticky Fevicol and we had to take loads of efforts to remove it. Now his condition is stable," said Doctor.

Khurshid is considered as most neighbor friendly foreign minister. He always tried to improve bilateral ties and focused on long lasting relationship with the nations. Recently he was planning to visit China for improving ties with the neighbor. However, China canceled his visa twice for no reason.

"I want to sit together with China and improve ties with them. I don't concern whether they are in 10-14 kms of Indian boundary. My concern is how to get into long-lasting relationship with them. For that I am ready to book a birth for them in Delhi too," told Salman Khurshid last week in a press conference.

Khurshid earlier used this strategy with Pakistan's Interior Minister Rehman Malik who visited India after Pakistani Military beheaded Indian Jawans and mutilated their bodies. Salman Khurshid met Malik hugged him closely and hanged with him outdoors for a beautiful romantic candlelight dinner.

"Ties are more important than these paltry events. Fevicol helped me to improve the stickiness with these guys. Whenever I meet any guy from other nation I stick my tongue to his tongue and thereafter a long standing and sticky relationships begin with that country," told Khurshid to India Satire Correspondent in the hospital.

India to outsource internal and external security from private players

Indian Government has decided to outsource all the internal and external security matters from private players on urgent basis. The decision has been viewed as major reform in the security sector in India, which has been felt to be overhauled by various sections of the society after disaster in handling issues like rape, relationship with Italy, China and Pakistan.

"Boss it is fuckingly irritating. Providing security to Indians is not our job. Are we fucking security guards?" asked Salman Khurshid, India's External Affairs Minister.

He said "Our job is to improve bilateral ties with our neighbors and open up more and more sectors for foreign investments. Guys, if we keep on hanging on the security, corruption and paltry rape kind of issues how can we deliver in terms of growth and economic development. Security matters should be privatized and as earlier PM Manmohan Singh said should be localized. Let the local private players in partnership with foreign entities handle the issues."

According to sources, in a recent Chintan Meeting of Congress Party High Command decided to focus on promising to deliver rather than actual delivery, as that would be a major kicker in the upcoming elections. However, the meeting also concluded that till the time the government gets rid of unnecessary issues like rape, Chinese incursion, Italian marines and relation with Pakistan, focus on real issues such as poll will hardly come. Therefore, Party high command decided to outsource security matters to private players and focus on attracting more and more voters to vote in the next elections.

"Our first draft for 100% Privatization of Indian Security is ready and we expect that in Winter Session of Parliament, the government will present the bill," said Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde.

India to hit back at terrorism by sending paranormal force to Pakistan

India decided to retaliate fedayeen attacks in Srinagar by sending its active paranormal force of died politicians and criminals to Pakistan and PoK.

"We have our 1000 battalions of paranormal force equipped with new arms and ammunition. They are ready with all types of nuclear and chemical weapons which will be used in retaliation of Pakistani terrorists and military," said AK Antony, India's Defence Minister.

India will send its force located in Jaipur Fort. The force has a team of 1000 ghosts, 500 daayan and 300 rakshas, comes once in the night at 12 am for training. The paranormal force of India is considered as most trusted military force which can destroy entire terrorist camp in seconds.

Antony said "Politicians, murderers and criminals who were died in the past and converted to ghost, daayan, raakshash, etc., they all join our paranormal force immediately. They are well equipped with great sort of training and can destroy enemy easily."

Antony said that the force is very patriotic unlike its behavior before death happens to them.

Antony said that in this kind of corrupt scenario in defence, paranormal force was a best option.

"We also afraid direct attack on Pakistani terrorists and military as we believe in non-violence," said Salman Khurshid.

He said "I never like in killing anybody as far as he is killed by some ghost."

Govt confirmed only 2 people died, no need to call back Italian marines

After reviewing the response from Italian Foreign Ministry that the marines Massimiliano Latorre and Salvatore Girone will not return to India, India's External Affairs Minister Salman Khurshid said that no need to call them back or put international pressure on Italy.

"I have gone through their response. As the damage is not that high, we think there is no need to waste our precious energy and resources to escalate the issues. A guy told me that only 2 Indians died and therefore we thought of taking the same stand that we took with Mr. Warren Anderson at the time of small Bhopal Gas issue," said Salman Khurshid.

Khurshid told reporter that damage was petty yaar, no need to give it wide coverage.

While many experts are taking humble stand for Italian marines, India said that it would not be very conventional in its approach.

"We welcome people from other countries, yaar. It's not like we tell them "ab aa to gaye ho lekin jaaoge kaise". Now they were our guests and sometime had to return to their homelands. It was Italy's internal issue; let that government sort it out. Right now we have a lot of work, arranging good run for Rahul Gandhi in 2014 elections. So wasting time in these matters would not really a good idea," said Salman Khurshid.

Khurshid said "We have dealt with USA successfully in Warren Anderson and David Headly issues. They were kept in US, even Headly was punished by the US courts."

The marines Massimiliano Latorre and Salvatore Girone got special permission by the Supreme Court to cast vote in last month's elections in Italy.

Breaking News: Speech writer sacked after alleged role in replacing Manmohan Singh’s speech with Rahul Gandhi’s speech

Rahul Gandhi's speech writer Kapil Singh Bedi sacked, after an internal commission formed by Congress Party revealed that he replaced Rahul's speech with Manmohan and vice versa.

"We sacked him for his alleged role in replacing Rahul Baba's recent speech with Manmohan Singh and Mr. Singh's with Rahul Baba," said Congress Spokesperon and Minister of State of Telecom, Manish Tewari.

A high level committee was formed by Congress High Command was formed under Senior Leader Digvijay Singh inquiring the reasons behind unrelated statements that High Command should be vanished, dynasty politics should be stopped and Rahul was not interested in PM's post and marriage, etc.

Digvijay Singh said "Actually, the first statement of no interest in PM's job shocked Rahul Baba. Therefore, he has to manage the rest by talking something irrelevant like dynasty politics should be stopped and not interested in marriage, etc."

Mr. Tewari said "Whatever Baba said recently that he was not interested in PM's post, marriage and blah blah blah was actually related to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to show that he wanted to take Sanyaas from political life. However, this stupid Kapil Singh Bedi changed the speeches and he gave Singh's speech to Baba and Baba's speech to Singh."

According to sources, recent fireworks from Manmohan Singh in Parliament was expected from Rahul Gandhi speech in a press conference to show how dynasty politics is strong and can answer the allegations of keeping night watchman on PM's post.

"Everything was literally planned. But this idiot just thrashed everything and the blunder happened," said Tewari.

In an official statement released on late afternoon today, Congress said that whatever Rahul Gandhi and Manmohan Singh said last week was totally unrelated to their views and they reflect views of speech writer. Therefore, whatever they said should be not be taken seriously, as the documents were not received approval before from top 5 leaders of Congress Party, viz., Digvijay Singh, Kapil Sibal, Rashid Alvi, Salman Khurshid and Manish Tewari.

UPA ministers sent digestion tablets and medicines to Mamata Banerjee for celebrating 1 year in the government of West Bengal

BRIEF NEWS - POLITICS

Ministers said the stock of Eno for 1 year will help Mamata didi to digest her chief ministerial position

The ministers of UPA, excluding that which is from Trinamool Congress, sent a stock of digestive 'Eno' to Mamata Banerjee, who is going through severe pain of acidity and indigestion of her position as a Chief Minister of West Bengal. Though, Mamata didi's reactions yet to know, UPA ministers are confident that it will solve the overall gastrick trouble that came to the nation because of her sickness will be solved.

"Yea! right now nation needs her health to be clear and better. Her acidic problems increased so much that she is releasing gases from her mouth, which would not be good for the health of the country. Eno on Acidity gone," said India's Home Minister P Chidambaram. According to UPA government sources, Mamata didi diagnosed as having paranoia of CPM, a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.

Mamata Banerjee recently called a girl from Jadavpur University as 'Maoist' for raising question over cartoon saga.

"All these things are result of zero space on account of immense occupation of gases in the stomach," said famous innovator of zero loss theory, Kapil Sibal "I suggest her to take regular doses of Eno and Gelusil Antacid, which even I am taking for last few days helping me staying healthy."

According to sources, few UPA ministers and Congress leaders are regularly taking medicines on acidity and indigestion.

Sources said "Yea the effect of astonishing. Many leaders such as Kapil Sibal, Salman Khurshid, Digvijay Singh and Rahul Baba have taken the medicines and they have stopped releasing gases from their mouths. Therefore, they themselves recommended these medicines as a gift to Mamata didi for completing her 1 year of government in West Bengal on May 20."

Recent news: Reporter of this story, arrested by Kolkata Police as a suspected Maoist and CPI (M) supporter.

On request of Maharashtra, Central Government plans to allocate special funds in budget for Mohammed Ajmal Kasab

Montek Singh suggested special provisions to Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab in five year 

plans

Indian government plans to give a birthday gift to Ajmal Kasab by allocating special funds in the union budget, after Maharashtra state government rejected Kasab's Rs 19 cr security bill saying Kasab first took Indian lives and then Indian money and therefore asked full waiver from the money.

However, central government's new proposal saw serious criticisms from Indian economists and opposition parties. While economists raised questions such as how would the government provide huge funds for caretaker ship of Ajmal Kasab and Afzal Guru, which is already stretched with burden of subsidies and thereby huge fiscal deficit. Opposition parties totally thrashed out the idea of caretaking the terrorists and asked government to speed up the process of their execution. Human Rights Commission has taken a cautious stand.

The development came after Kasab asked government that he was not getting enough of food on account of rising food prices and overall inflationary levels are still stubborn. A letter to Soniaji, of which India Satire has a copy mentioned that the Jail superintendents have stopped providing high protein non-veg food like mutton and chicken. Even on mubarak days of baasi Eid, he had to eat vegetarian food. Kasab said in the letter "This behavior is totally against humanity."

Further in the letter, Kasab asked Indian government to provide enough security as he is now worried that India's closeness with USA would eventually result in his execution. He also asked Madamji to provide non-veg food everyday to maintain his tough attitude which he demonstrated in 26/11.

According to sources, when Salman Khurshid showed this letter to Soniaji, she cried bitterly, after reading that letter out of motherly feeling. However, officially Chacha Digvijay Singh (Diggy Chacha) denied all these talks and he said that those were only rumors. However, he agreed that the government on special requests of Madamji and Rahul Baba is considering the proposal from humanitary angle.

Diggy Chacha also slammed Maharashtra government and gave them Delhi government's example which is still keeping Afzal Guru in a safe custody providing all the 5-star arrangements.

Talking about opposition parties, Diggy Chacha said "BJP is keeping terrorsts like RSS so what is the harm in keeping yuva brigade which is against RSS terrorists."

Pranab Mukherjee who was busy in working out the proposal in a very immeditely said "Uddi baba! thish ish not a very big hall to hour balansh sheet. We are conshidering the proposhal of bringing direct foreign inveshtment sho don't worry about the funding gap."

However, he didn't divulge any thing further he said it would be around a ratio of 76% foreign and 24% Indian corporate. For marketing proposal among Indian corporate, Pranabda told that the government is going to appoint India's best RAW agent, Agent Vinod.

Pranabda also told India Satire correspondent that the government has sent the proposal to Planning Commission to include it as Special Privilege Scheme for Special People (SPSSP).

Montek Singh Ahluwalia said "I received the copy of the proposal and we are trying to do our calculations. Our estimates are India's poverty will reduce from Rs28 per day per person to Rs20 per day per person by 2014 and the share of Rs8 per day per person for 10000 people will be directly allocated to Kasab and Afzal Guru for next 5 years and if some more people would be sent by Pakistan. We plan to promote few Italian food brands in the jail by using this ocassion. Pizza and burger would be freely available to Kasab on his birthday on September 13."

Story was prepared based on the suggestion of Nirvana

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SURVEY: 5% Indians think Chacha Digvijay Singh's statement makes any sense

SURVEY

Madamji, Rahul Baba and few Congressmen were not considered in these 5%

A survey carried out by a private agency, India Intellectuals Research Foundation (IIRF) suggests that 5% Indians think that Chacha Digvijay Singh (Diggy Chacha). The survey of 1252 people from different states, different income backgrounds and different political parties revealed these shocking results. The survey shocked everybody as general perception was that Diggy Chacha was most intelligent creature in the universe.

"We conducted a totally non-biased and nonpolitical survey and therefore it has a weightage," said Deepak Sharma, one of the surveyors of a team of 11 surveyors.

These shocking results stir the political temperature across the states and political parties, particularly Congress and BJP.

Diggy Chacha thrashed the authenticity of the survey "WTF! The survey is totally nonsense. I don't agree with the numbers. It is as idiotic as exit polls in the Uttar Pradesh. I can prove any time that at least 10% of Indians feel that my statements make sense. And I would like to know how the agency arrives at the number."

The survey was conducted by IIRF after looking at the reactions of people on Diggy Chacha's statement that Shivraj Singh Chouhan a 'coward'. Chacha opened his mouth after a long time, digesting the serious loss his party faced in Uttar Pradesh elections.

Tram leader of Survey, Shantikant Dubey said "We thought it was right time to ask people whether they really give importance to whatever Diggy says. We, however, not consider views of Congress party's senior leaders which include Soniaji, Rahulji, Manmohanji."

Diggy Chacha was in denial mode, he said "I would like to ask them few questions. How many Congressmen included in the survey? How secular is the survey? Did they consider higher weightage to Dalits and Muslims or did they take everyone's vote as equal? I am sure that the surveyor follows RSS and hasn't really considered reservation while conducting the survey otherwise it would have given at least number 80% instead of 5%."

Congress party gave mix reactions to the numbers.

Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari said "Congress party respects personal opinions of its voters and aam admis. Whatever they have thought we can't contest but the survey could have more transparent. 5% looks very small."

Congress Party's minister Sriprakash Jaiswal said "The survey is hopeless and it didn't consider Soniaji and Rahulji's vote. Surveyor could have given both of them due respect and higher weightage."

Salman Khurshid, senior party leader asked whether surveyor really gave adequate muslim reservation before conducting it.

Kapil Sibal said "Yea, I am sure surveyor used opinions of those fuc*ingly id*otic netizens who doesn't have respect and humble language to convey their messages. Forget about Diggy, I am sure despite my unpopularity, India's 10% intellectuals will definitely vote for me that my statements make sense." 

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