Raghuram Rajan to use pendulum for interest rate decisions

Reserve Bank of India Governor Raghuram Rajan has initiated a major reform in the monetary policy of India's central bank. Going forward, the RBI governor will use pendulum instead of age old policy of using tie to decide on interest rates.

"We want to bring an unconventional change to the global perception towards interest rate decisions. Process of using tie to decide on interest rate is widely accepted across the world but it is very slow. Many times my tie stuck in the middle and therefore I need to take decision of holding rates. However, with pendulum which doesn't require my collar would help us on interest rate decision. It will also bring an autonomy to RBI's executive committee of deputy governors and would decentralise the decision making, as any deputy governor could hold the pendulum in his hand," said Rajan in a press release of RBI.

Rajan told India Satire correspondent that he would use new technology of throwing coin in the air to decide who the hell (deputy governor) would hold pendulum in his hand. India's Finance Minister Arun Jaitley, financial analysts, economists and many corporate honchos welcome Rajan's decision and advised him that if he is bringing some unconventional change to monetary policy of India he should stick to it for long.

Finance Minister Arun Jaitley plans to put earthquake tax on God, to bring him under GST net

Finance Minister Arun Jaitley plans to put earthquake tax on God in the upcoming union budget 2016-17, said ministry sources. 

"As earthquake incidences are on rise, Jaitley wants to tap God who is getting exemptions from all the taxes for providing basic services at free of cost," said a finance ministry official with a condition of anonymity "He told that rising earthquake incidences prove that there are lapses from God's office and needs to bring it to accountability."

The official confirmed that recent earthquake in north east states prove to be a major reason for Arun Jaitley to decide on earthquake tax.

He told India Satire correspondent "Jaitley is also planning to reform tax structure on services provided by God and bring more transparency to it. Earlier whatever services provided by God such as water, air, light, etc. were taxable in the hands of end consumer. However, more and more incidences of earthquakes, floods and droughts only point that God is charging consumers in kinds and therefore needs to be taxed. Therefore, Jaitley has decided to bring God's office under GST net."

According to sources from God's office it is against any tax as the services come with costs and he is providing them on no-profit no-loss basis.

Government to show Dilwale if opposition doesn't allow parliament to function

New Delhi: 21-Dec-15

There is positive news for Indians who were waiting for parliament to complete its pending legislature in next 3 days, as the government managed to take opposition parties on its side. According to sources, the government in yesterday's all party meet threatened all the leaders of opposition parties that it would show them Dilwale movie continuously non-stop for next 3 days if they don't budge to government's persuasion on passing bills and continue with their protest on paltry issues such as National Herald case. Prime Minister Narendra Modi in yesterday's all party meeting told Congress Party Chief Sonia Gandhi, Vice President Rahul Gandhi, Samajwadi Party Chief Mulayam Singh Yadav and many other leaders that its last time for them to agree on government's intention to pass all pending bills or else all these leaders along with their fellow parliamentarians would be punished by showing Dilwale. According to a source, Sonia and Rahul immediately agreed to the terms of government and told PM that they are ready to go to jail for National Herald scam but can't watch the movie. Even, Mulayam Singh Yadav gave his unconditional support, fearing the revolt in his party fellows.

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Fed Chairperson Janet Yellen to take guidance from Indian analysts; their responses post rate hike leaked

Swati Gupta

Washington D.C.: 14-December-2015

Before rate decision in Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC) meeting on 16th Dec, US Federal Reserve's Chairperson Janet Yellen has decided to take guidance from the group of intellectual journalists and analysts in India. The panel consists of eminent names from India viz., Udayan Mukhrjee, Shankar Sharma, Latha Venkatesh, Sudarshan Sukhani, SP Tulsian and Anuj Singhal.

"Yellen loves our advice and we love giving it at free of cost," said Anuj,  most fashionable analyst of CNBC TV18 who practically visited salon and spa to colour his face, straighten his hair and beautifully threaded his eyebrows "Or else who in India would take us seriously?" Anuj also bought a range of lipsticks to create his first influence on Yellen.

While official reason behind inviting these eminent panelists is unknown, according to unofficial sources Fed Chairperson knew that her confirmed rate hike requires validation from few immensely natural bears.

The Fed source said "Only these people could give her all the fuel to prove she was right in raising rates. However, Sonia Shenoy was excluded from the panelists due to her cheerful and happy face irrespective of market directions. Yellen wants hardcore bear tinge before taking any decision on rate."

India Satire correspondent leaked the ready arguments of all the distinguished panelists that would be told by them in interviews over rate hike decision at FOMC meeting

·         Sudarshan Sukhani - "Market has its own mind, stay cautious."

·         SP Tulsian - "Market will remain volatile (as if we don't know)."

·         CNBC TV18's most energetic anchor, Latha Venkatesh starts jumping with excitement over rate hike and answers in highest decibel possible for human beings - "Fed is going to follow my recommendation."

·         Anuj, (confused what is going around but has to prove himself as an intelligent journo/analyst) - "Market will remain range bound in the course till expiry. Don't do anything for next 4 years, stay away from markets."

·         Udayan (with extremely grim expression on his face, though it's very natural and regular on any occasion) with some depressed intellectual bantering, completely dodges question, warns retail investors for volatility and advises them to remain invested for the long term and confuses the person who had asked the question.

·         Shankar Sharma - "See I told you during 2002 only, to sell India, Fed is going to hike interest rate because of NDA government in India."

(Reported by our eminent journalist Swati Gupta)

Study: 5 times more corruption is required to stop the slide of the rupee

A study of Indian Government reveals that it requires at least 5 times improvement in scams and corruption to suck excess liquidity of the rupee and help it to appreciate against dollar.

"We encourage maximum number of bureaucrats and ministers to increase scams and corruption so that Rupee slide will stop. India requires improving black money statistics such as black money man ratio and scams to minister ratio to suck the excess liquidity of Rupee from the economy," said India's Law Minister Kapil Sibal.

Sibal told India Satire correspondent that the situation was worsening as the dollar is flowing out of the economy while rupee is getting released into system putting pressure on the currency.

"Government is planning to liberalize norms for putting black money in the Swiss banks so that exodus of excess money will be easily possible. We have also prepared new draft black money privacy policies to help scamsters easily take away money from the system," said Sibal.

A study conducted by the government with the help of independent research agency reveals that if corruption increases by at least five times and that money put in the Swiss banks, the Rupee will appreciate by 5% helping the economy to recover fast.

"According to simple economic theory if you reduce the supply of commodity from the market, price of that commodity appreciates," said the study manager Neeraj Kumar.

Adding to new measures to improve the black money situation in India, Kapil Sibal said "Government is also thinking of measures like FDI in corruption and scams, which are most luring areas for the foreign investors."