Vijay Mallya shouts "Bharat Maata Ki Jai"; Government waives off his debt

Sensing the urgency of showing his patriotism, liquor baron Vijay Mallya clangour "Bharat Mata ki Jai" thrice from his villa in London, resulted into Government of India waiving off all the debt he borrowed from the banks for Kingfisher Airlines.

"When a lot of people who live here don't want to say 'Bharat Maata ki Jai', we have to respect feelings of Mallya who although absconded from India still loves his motherland and consider her as his Mother," said Sambit Patra, BJP spokesperson in Newshour clarifying the government's stand on forgiving all his debt.

Continuing, he said "We are willing to welcome him to the country to show him an icon of the love for the country and nationalism."

Afzal Guru hanging disappears from Kanhaiya Kumar's brain like gadhe ke sir pe se sing - Report

A media report suggests that Afzal Guru hanging has left India's newest hero Kanhaiya's head like gadhe ke sir pe se sing or Jan Lokpal from the brain of Arvind Kejriwal. The report points out an empirical evidence of donkey to both the cases, Arvind Kejriwal-Jan Lokpal and Kanhaiya Kumar-Afzal Guru.

"It happened way back 50000 years ago when one of the donkeys lost his horns (sing in English) for doing something. Similarly, the scathing topics such as Jan Lokpal and Afzal Guru disappeared from the heads of Arvind Kejriwal and Kanhaiya Kumar respectively for reasons known to them," said the report.

P.S.: GOVERNMENT HAS ALSO ADDED ITS OWN NAME BY LETTING VIJAY MALLYA GO OUT OF THE COUNTRY

Sensex, Nifty rise as Government announced minimum support price

Major blue chip indices in India rose more than 1% today as huge losses piled up in some minister's portfolio, which led to announcement of minimum support prices (MSP) to Sensex and Nifty. The government declared MSP of 7200 to Nifty and 24000 to Sensex and asked every IAS officer to buy at whatever levels rather than sleeping in the office.

"The government yesterday announced Rs 5000cr price management fund just in line with the price management fund for food. Minister Sir sent us a clear instruction that follow SP Tulsian and Sudarshan Sukhani since morning and whatever stocks they tell the audience just buy them. Just punch the orders and buy at whatever prices, kill the bears, kill the valuation and kill the fundamentals insanely till he comes from Davos," said an IAS officer, requesting anonymity.

Sensex and Nifty couldn't perform well since Prime Minister Narendra Modi took charge of the office. However, riding on Modi wave, the sources said that all the ministers invested huge money in the markets. The sources said that all the IAS officers would be provided with trading terminals and asked them to punch orders immediately if any stock falls. 

Note: If you can't see SP Tulsian on CNBC TV18 just visit his website sptulsian.com to take inspiration of buying something and selling something.

NDA to let Congress operate Parliament for one day to get GST bill pass

NDA government has decided to let Congress Party operate Parliament for one entire day to pass all the pending bills, including most important ones such as goods and services tax and land acquisition bill.

"See as it is they are not going to allow us to pass any important bills. So better let them function one entire day of parliament and pass all the bills," said Parliamentary Affairs Minister Venkaiah Naidu.

Naidu told India Satire correspondent that he went to Congress President Sonia Gandhi requesting her to support impending bills in Rajya Sabha.

"She told me that she doesn't feel to pass anything as she is not on the left side of chairs in Rajya Sabha. Therefore, we decided to give them opportunity to handle parliament for one entire day and pass the important bills for the economy. However, we don't know whether we will support them in passing the bills," Naidu confirmed.

Finance Minister Arun Jaitley plans to put earthquake tax on God, to bring him under GST net

Finance Minister Arun Jaitley plans to put earthquake tax on God in the upcoming union budget 2016-17, said ministry sources. 

"As earthquake incidences are on rise, Jaitley wants to tap God who is getting exemptions from all the taxes for providing basic services at free of cost," said a finance ministry official with a condition of anonymity "He told that rising earthquake incidences prove that there are lapses from God's office and needs to bring it to accountability."

The official confirmed that recent earthquake in north east states prove to be a major reason for Arun Jaitley to decide on earthquake tax.

He told India Satire correspondent "Jaitley is also planning to reform tax structure on services provided by God and bring more transparency to it. Earlier whatever services provided by God such as water, air, light, etc. were taxable in the hands of end consumer. However, more and more incidences of earthquakes, floods and droughts only point that God is charging consumers in kinds and therefore needs to be taxed. Therefore, Jaitley has decided to bring God's office under GST net."

According to sources from God's office it is against any tax as the services come with costs and he is providing them on no-profit no-loss basis.

Indian Government allows India Pakistan cricket series to play with cricket bat handle

Under a serious confidence building initiative after PM Narendra Modi's short haul at Lahore, Government of India allowed BCCI to conduct India Pakistan cricket series. To begin with, the government allowed players of both the countries to play with the cricket bat handle, then with stumps and finally if everything goes right with bat.

"Indian government asked us to play with the cricket bat handles as a starter and to support the beginning of the new dawn between India and Pakistan relationship," said BCCI President Sashank Manohar "Pakistan's government had already allowed us to play an Indo-Pak series and now as Indian government has cleared the proposal we are working on other nitty grities like permission of ICC, talking to ESPN Star and other sports channel companies for selling the rights of live streaming of the match."

Shashank Manohar in an exclusive chat with India Satire correspondent told that the board has sent the message to Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) chairman Shahryar Khan to prepare for the series between two countries.

"He was very happy with the positive development. He told me that even if Indian government had allowed Pakistani cricketers to land on Indian pitches and play with grass they wouldn't have any issues," said Shashank Manohar.

President told correspondent that there wouldn't have been any impact on the probable revenue for both BCCI and PCB from Indo-Pak series even if the government had allowed them to play using grass.

Rahul Gandhi worries about brainwashing of Donald Duck; blames Narendra Modi's frequent visits to US

Swati Gupta

Delhi: 09-December-2015

In a sneering attack on the BJP government, Rahul Gandhi asks explanation from Prime Minister Narendra Modi over rising intolerance in U.S. The Congress Vice President and scion of Gandhi family, Rahul Baba claimed that frequent visits of Narendra Modi stimulated environment of America and affected percipience of his favourite cartoon characters.

"Hon. Speaker, today my favourite cartoon character and childhood friend Donald Duck (according to party sources he was referring to Donald Trump) asked White House to ban Muslims from entering into U.S. How did this happen? Who is responsible for the change in secular virtues of Donald bhai? Is it a planned conspiracy to pollute the environment of U.S. just like it did in India? I want to ask Mr. Modi why he needs to go to U.S. again and again. Is there some specific objective to do that? Hon. Speaker, today Donald bhai left his secular virtues tomorrow Micky Mouse will take same decision. I am pretty sure that it was Mr. Modi who frequently visits U.S. influenced his wisdom. Hon. Speaker, I request a special session of Parliament to discuss rising atrocities and brain washing of my favourite characters from the right wing terror ideologies of India like Yogiji and Sadhvijis. I also believe that increasing visits of Prime Minister to U.S. would have polluted the environment of that country and he should be kept away from Disney Land," said Rahul Gandhi, addressing the Parliament of India.

Rahul Baba also claimed that all his favourite cartoon characters need special security not just in India or U.S. but also all over the world from the right wing terror lobby.

"I asked my uncle Doraemon (here its Diggy Chacha, or Congress Senior Leader Digvijay Singh who also mentored Rahul since his child hood, according to sources) to create a gadget which will bring my favorite Donald Duck to his senses," Rahul confide in an exclusive chat with India Satire correspondent Swati Gupta outside the Parliament.

(All inputs reported by our special correspondent Swati Gupta from Delhi)