Congress leader found praying God that his son to be not like Mahatma Gandhi

A Congress leader (name withheld) found praying God that his son should not become like their idol Mahatma Gandhi and should behave like other Congress leader.

"Hey God! Please please please, my son should not behave like Gandhiji. He should be normal Congress leader who just for the sake of idolizing worships Gandhiji," a Congress leader found saying in a religious place (religion withheld for secularism).

The leader said "My son should understand business of politics like other Congress leaders do. He has to master in bending system for himself like Congress Ministers generally do. He also needs to understand using the Indian political dynasty for his own benefit. God! Please bless him with the strength of instructing Priyanka Madam's son and daughter in his best benefits when he becomes young. I don't want him to become selfless, sacrificing and non-violent guy just like our idol Mahatma Gandhi. I want him to become a guy who uses qualities of idol for his own advantage."

The India Satire Correspondent reported that the leader went on talking with God for a pretty long hour. The leader also requested God that his son needed to have the qualities of identifying right person on PM's chair and pushing for right dumb candidate on Congress President's post.

India to outsource internal and external security from private players

Indian Government has decided to outsource all the internal and external security matters from private players on urgent basis. The decision has been viewed as major reform in the security sector in India, which has been felt to be overhauled by various sections of the society after disaster in handling issues like rape, relationship with Italy, China and Pakistan.

"Boss it is fuckingly irritating. Providing security to Indians is not our job. Are we fucking security guards?" asked Salman Khurshid, India's External Affairs Minister.

He said "Our job is to improve bilateral ties with our neighbors and open up more and more sectors for foreign investments. Guys, if we keep on hanging on the security, corruption and paltry rape kind of issues how can we deliver in terms of growth and economic development. Security matters should be privatized and as earlier PM Manmohan Singh said should be localized. Let the local private players in partnership with foreign entities handle the issues."

According to sources, in a recent Chintan Meeting of Congress Party High Command decided to focus on promising to deliver rather than actual delivery, as that would be a major kicker in the upcoming elections. However, the meeting also concluded that till the time the government gets rid of unnecessary issues like rape, Chinese incursion, Italian marines and relation with Pakistan, focus on real issues such as poll will hardly come. Therefore, Party high command decided to outsource security matters to private players and focus on attracting more and more voters to vote in the next elections.

"Our first draft for 100% Privatization of Indian Security is ready and we expect that in Winter Session of Parliament, the government will present the bill," said Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde.

Porn star seeks pardon for Sanjay Dutt

President of Indian porn stars and prostitutes, Chameli Bai seeks justice for Sanjay Dutt and asked pardon for him from President of India. This is second prominent social personality after former Chief Justice Markandeya Katju who demanded Sanjay Dutt should be saved from going jail.

"He is such a cutie pie. I feel horny whenever I look at his innocent and bloody drunk eyes. He turns me on yaar," said Chameli Bai moving her hand towards ****.

She also said that it was because Sanjay Dutt the society started relishing the memories of greats like Maharani (Movie-Sadak).

Chameli Bai said "It is time when he worked in movies like Sadak. Because of him, society recalled the Maharanigiri. If President forgives him he can work in more movies like Sadak."

Chameli Bai said that looking at Sanjay Dutt kicks her thought provocation towards making hardcore stuff looks real and therefore he should be considered under humanitarian reasons.

"Whenever I look at him I feel doing more and more. All the fantasies come to real life. I do more and more ****, *****, and *** just watching Sanjay Dutt. Today also when I saw tears in his eyes I felt I should be doing ****," said Chameli Bai.

Chameli Bai confirmed that it was not just her idea to support Sanjay Dutt but many other porn stars actually seeking a bail out to Sanjay Dutt under the humanity and forgiveness.

She said "I think Sanju Baba should be considered under some stuff, oh no just morning I read about that stuff. Some guy named Katju was constantly saying about that. Oh no... Why I am not recalling… oh yea it is something called humanity. Yes he should be considered as a human and should be pardoned. Look at him! He looks like Marcus Robinson (a Sanjay Dutt look-a-like yester year porn star). Ah, such a wonderful guy should not be put into jail. I can't resist my temptation for doing this ****. It is not just me but all my colleagues including John Travor, Suresh Bhai Jaiswal, Manoj Picasso, Lucky Pornographer and many want him so much that I can't tell you."

Reacting to porn star's love and affection towards him Sanjay Dutt cried again.

Experts confirmed that millitary might against India has no medical benefits for China

Experts across the World, India and China said that incursion on Indian land will not increase the size of nose, eyes and height of any Chinese man.

"Boss, if Chinese are thinking that their demonstration of millitary power on Indian soil will help them increase their size of their height, nose and eyes then they are thinkingday dreaming. I am sure that even after this encroachment they will continue to look ugly piggy banks," said Zubeid Hussain, an Indian millitary expert.

Recently, Chinese troops entered in Ladaakh, crossing Indian borders cleanly. While experts are still to understand about the reason behind incursion, a leading Chinese newspaper China Daily said that such periodical attacks on India will resolve Chinese genetic problem completely. The leading newspaper which is also known as mouthpiece of Chinese Government said that such efforts will improve looks of average Chinese people and they will be able to impress US and European girls. China Daily also said that it would also help improve sex power of Chinese people, which was always considered as lack of energy and vitality.

The daily said "Otherwise there is no other option left for any average dirty and ugly looking Chinese man. They will never require to take viagra everyday."

North Korea strikes nuclear missiles on its own cities

Kim Jong-un in press conference

North Korea blasted all its major cities to test the effectiveness of its missiles. The cities include capital city Pyongyang and other major cities such as Anju, Chongjin, Chongju and Hamhung. Missiles loaded with nuclear bombs destroyed a million of population in few seconds.

"We wanted to test the effectiveness of our missiles. We were tired of beta testing and eager to check how much they really could destroy the world. Now all these weapons are ready to launch on South Korea, Japan and USA," said North Korea Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un in a packed press conference.

He said "All the blasts are successful and killed a million of people easily. This attack was just a pinch of salt and we can make bigger attacks more easily. If the world wants to see the effectiveness of bigger attack, we can launch it again on our cities."

Kim Jong-un confirmed that he can now threaten developed world with more thrust and vigor.

Political parties busy in collecting 'shit'

Prices of shit and cow dung sky rocketed, as demand from Indian political parties increased ahead of the state and central elections, reported by special bureau of the India Satire.

"All the political parties are buying huge quantities of shit and cow dung from each and every corner of the country before they start their final rallies for the central elections," said Ramcharan Sharma, owner of a largest cow and buffalo tabela in Uttar Pradesh.

Prices of shit increased by 130% and cow dung by 90% in last 2 months after many parties started kicking up their new rallies for the elections. Generally, this shit is used to throw on their rival parties. According to sources, currently Congress and BJP are top 2 buyers.

"It is necessary to collect required stock of dung and shit, as it has to be used all the time of election period. We have just completed purchase of developmental shit from every corner of Gujarat to answer Congress Party’s secular shit," said BJP President Rajnath Singh.

The sources confirmed that many parties are competing with Congress led UPA on purchasing secular shit and Aam Aadmi Party in purchasing corruption shit so that they can come as a third front option.

"My sources said that Mulayam Singh Yadav has routed all the money from his new government in buying secularism as well as anti-Congress anti-CBI shit. This way he will stay in comfortable position if Congress wins in the election or not," said Ramcharan Sharma. However, he also suggested that Mayawati is not yet started bulk purchasing.

Experts suggested that 2014 central elections and elections in many states will see record amount of shit throwing. Parties like Aam Aadmi Party and MNS are resorting to inexpensive corruption and regionalism shit, respectively.

"Their agenda is new and nobody else has chosen it for election campaigning because of high risk nature. Therefore, the shit is also getting at very cheap prices," said expert Rajendra Bandopaddhyay who closely tracks the political developments.

He also said that parties like DMK and AIADMK have sent their shit collectors to Sri Lanka to get shitty developments of anti-Tamil environment.

Election Commission has never formed any kind of rules and regulations over buying shit and therefore political parties have never shown any restraint in bulk purchasing. However, many experts said that Election Commission should come in picture to stop leaders from buying and throwing so much of shit on their counterparts.

Exclusive Report - India Satire

A man regretted buying tickets for ‘Nautanki Saala’ after Ayushmann Khurrana confirmed he is still breathing

An urban man felt sorry after he came to know on Twitter that Ayushmann Khurrana is actually alive. He regretted for buying movie tickets of Khurrana's 'Nautanki Saala'.

"I thought he was dead and therefore bought tickets for his movie 'Nautanki Saala'. It was a small tribute to upcoming star Khurrana by patiently watching that movie for 2 hours. But now as he is not dead, I feel I have made grave mistake of my life," said Ramakant Desai.

Ramakant Desai, a fan of good and watchable movies bought two tickets for Nautanki Saala. He was going for the movie with his girlfriend. Desai thought it would be a good idea to give mark of respect to the freshest star by watching totally stupid movie.

"I never saw Ramakant excited about some crappy and tasteless movie. But he called me in the afternoon said that he wanted to watch Nautanki Saala as the guy starring in the movie is no more. He sincerely wanted to show honor to Ayushmann," said Julie Joseph Fernandes, Ramakant's girlfriend.

Ramakant said "We have now decided to watch the movie just to punish ourselves for our silliest mistake of believing in this kind of rumour."

Justice Markandey Katju announced indefinite fast, will not work till Sanjay Dutt is pardoned

After meeting Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Press Council of India (PCI) Chairman Justice Markandey Katju announced an indefinite fast. He will not work and fulfill his responsibilities till his plea of clemency for Sanjay Dutt and few other criminals is considered by the Government of India.

"I will not work till the government pardons Sanjay Dutt and four other hardcore criminals," said Katju.

He said "I don't think PCI work is that important. It is a kind of shitty work and can be done by my peon. I want to sacrifice that work on getting justice for these innocent guys. I will not work till I get desired results from my fast."

According to sources, besides paltry PCI work, Katju will restrain himself on taking efforts of eating, sleeping, bathing and scratching till Government responds positively to his fast. He has appointed people to do all this dirty work.

A Delhi based NGO 'Incremental Social Push' has declared its support to Markandey Katju. The venue for fast is still to be decided and formal announcement will come on Wednesday. Though venue is less important matter, Katju is pushing for Jantar Mantar against Ramleela Maidan.

"Whatever ground I would get, it is fine for me. But what is more important is justice to Sanjay Dutt. He sacrificed his 20 years for a paltry 5-year jail. I want the government to take humanitarian stand and allow him to roam free," said Katju.

SP Tulsian recommends buying Gold at whatever price, believes in Bappi Lahiri magic

Leading market expert and stock analyst SP Tulsian recommended buying gold at whatever price it is available.

"I have studied earlier pattern in the gold prices. I found that whenever gold prices tumble sharply an ace investor Bappi Lahiri buys tons of gold just to add to his jewellery," said Tulsian supporting his argument.

He said Bappi Lahiri who is famous for his investment in gold uses opportunity of falling gold prices for re-entry.

"He was the stabilising factor last time in the gold crash. His investment pattern similar like LIC, which supports equity markets by buying equities at the time of crash. Same way Bappi Lahiri also buys tons of gold from several central banks in the world when the prices tumble," said SP Tulsian.

He also said that whenever Lahiri magic works out, the gold prices become double in a year or two.

As gold prices crashed, Makrand Deshpande's Sona Spa saw huge turnout

Makrand Deshpande's Sona Spa is in huge demand after gold prices in India and globe crashed sharply today. According to experts, people who lost their money in gold visited Sona Spa for relaxation. Sources close to Makrand Deshpande said that Deshpande even had to face outrage of many customers on limited availability of seats.

"Yes that's true. As I was unable to attend every customer, they are coming on appointment only," said Makrand Deshpande, who recently launched Sona Spa along in a partnership with Naseeruddin Shah.

Gold prices crashed today on account of weakening global growth, particularly China's GDP growth tumbled today. Currently, prices are trading at Rs26000 levels down from the highs of Rs32000 levels. Therefore, crash in the gold prices resulted in heavy demand for Sona Spa.

"At one point of time, there was a queue of at least 1000 people," said an eye witness who saw the madness of people for booking an appointment with Sona Spa.

Makrand Deshpande launched Sona Spa on March 22 with an idea to help people using revitalization techniques. He appointed many beautiful girls. However, after initial poor response Makrand Deshpande sacked all the girls and he himself started massaging people. Naseeruddin Shah works for part-time.

The eye witness said "People realised that only Sona Spa can reduce their depression from losing money in bullion market and will allow them to sleep nicely."

The eye witness also saw equity market expert SP Tulsian at the venue discovering the possibility of getting an early entry.

"He was asking Deshpande for early entry to get some relaxation after losing huge money in the gold market. He put a plan of exchanging his stock tips at free of cost for entry in Sona Spa," said the eye witness.

SP Tulsian confirmed the news.

"Sona Spa is best place where people can remove their aggravation and revitalize themselves. Even I had been there and made myself comfortable. I trust in fundamental value of the Spa and I think it has bright prospects," said market analyst SP Tulsian.

Tulsian said that he bought 100kg gold at Rs 32000 levels after he received SMS from commodity tipper saying that gold would touch 50000 rupees in 2 months.

"Yea that was the wrong call. It was first time that I had not trusted on my own fundamental idea. I was feeling that gold could have touched Rs 10000 levels but still I believed on tip. Now I can't even average it out," said Tulsian.

However, he thanked Sona Spa for helping him getting rid of his frustration.

Skinny actor Deshpande said "My idea behind launching Sona Spa was only public welfare. Sona hai toh sona hai. Tagline of my Sona Spa is 'You can buy your sleep here'."

He said "It was difficult to manage depression from losing 10-20% value in gold. Sona Spa takes care of your frustration and helps you out to become comfortable. I myself give you good massage and relaxation treatment as all lady attendant left the Spa for non-payment of salary."

Indian Govt condemns Narendra Modi for not creating suicide friendly atmosphere for farmers

Indian Government issued a statement condemning Gujarat Chief Minister over not creating suicide friendly atmosphere for state farmers, as like Congress led states such as Maharashtra and Andhra Pradesh.

"We condemn Gujarat Chief Minister for his loose handling on farmer suicide issue and ask him to re look his strategy. Performance of his government suggests that he has not worked in favour of farmers over the years and a very few suicides had been noted in the state," said Congress spokes person and part time minister Manish Tewari.

Tewari said that the Indian government has slammed a notice on Gujarat government seeking answer from state officials on why farmers were not enjoying suicides in bulk as like other developed states such as Maharashtra and Andhra Pradesh.

"We are constantly observing situation in Gujarat. How can he allow suicide numbers to be so less? This is against the idea of creating more and more suicidal friendly atmosphere for the farmers," Tewari said.

According Crime Report 2011 released by National Crime Records bureau, Congress led states Maharashtra and Andhra Pradesh and BJP led Madhya Pradesh and Karnataka created suicide friendly environment while big states like Gujarat remained backward.

Farmers suicide friendly states in India

Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar said "Development needs to be inclusive. While Maharashtra and Andhra Pradesh are quoting good suicide numbers, other bigger states like Gujarat remains backward. It is the duty of state authorities to improve the number very fast. Gujarat Govt has shown shameless approach over farmer issues by keeping themselves backward on suicide related subjects."

He also said that it was because him those Maharashtra farmers (his home state) are aware of killing themselves quite easily.

He said "They are very educated and aware people and frequently indulge in suicides just because state has created such a friendly environment. For Karnataka and Madhya Pradesh, we believe that BJP Govt is overestimating suicides."

According to Govt sources, most of the cabinet ministers of UPA were worried over the expectations that they would lose their position against Gujarat just because severe draught like situation last year. But that thing never took place.

"Thanks to Rahulji. He directly approached invisible power that drives decision in Modi's brain. That invisible power successfully led Modi to handle the situation in right way," said Manish Tewari.

Download the report

"God, next time onwards I will give proper customer service, but remove these cases" - Bharti Airtel Chief Sunil Mittal

Today I am here to confess that my a** is burnt out of fear and I couldn't sleep properly because of continuous vomiting and loose motions. Still my a** is burning for visiting toilet for 10-15 times during last 2-3 hours. Reason for my loose motion is my fear that Court will put me inside jail or ban me from making any false commitments again. Hopefully! Court will not do that.

It was a special occasion for the Indian Judiciary when it issued summon to big business tycoon like me. But it is really an a** tarnishing day for me. How can I forget the day when I committed in front of God the time I received telecom licenses. I told him that I will serve people as like my mother and father. I will be their servant. I will give them a great telephonic and broadband experience and besides that I will appoint such representatives who would solve all of their queries with humbleness.

That was actually greatest day of my life. I was a kind of novice to the telecom business and wanted to say what an idealist businessman says to God. I also told him that if I don't serve my consumers properly, then he can punish me like a pig. I told him that whenever he finds something wrong in me or in my company, he can take a stick and start beating on my a**. However, God is punishing in some other way. It is like beating me in front of the entire public.

I am a bit humble and therefore I accept all my bullshitting. But that bad*** Ravi (Ruia), he is such an arrogant that he would never accept his mistake. Forget him. So let me tell you what has happened with me. Indian Court has recently put me in two cases. One accusation was about the additional 2G spectrum allocation and the other was providing 3G roaming services to new customers in seven circles where Airtel does not have license to do so. I know it was because of collective demands of all those customers whom I treated like shit and my customer service personnel which showed them that they are nothing more than trash.

Hey God! You don't know how much stupid services I offered to my customers. I literally showed them they are fools and made biggest mistakes of their life for choosing Airtel. One of the most idiotic things that I made was that I kept 7-8^th standard pass out guys as customer relationship manager to save few bucks. Yea, interestingly that time I was the most profitable telecom company in India. But below my a** I wasn't aware that my useless customer service would pull me down to such an era. Just yesterday I went to Airtel Shop to see my empire. It was look like a desi Pizza corner, and counter boys and girls were just like another Pizza boys and girls. I forgot that I was in Airtel Shop and ordered a Pizza.

Hey God! I forgot my commitment towards you and my customers and therefore I know that you are punishing like this. God! I again commit you this time is my last chance and I will try to serve customers like God. I am their servant. My customer care department will be humble and kind, giving best of services. But please remove these cases on me.

Power of hearing improves twice by using new earphones - Sony

Sony has developed new earphones for its mobile to radio devices which improves hearing ability of user by twice he has, according to the company press release.

"We have developed special kind of earphones under our program 'Ear Empowerment'. I want to congratulate the engineering team which developed such a wonderful product that is good for entire humanity. Regular use of these earphones improves hearing capacity by twice. Now you can even hear what a special cute girl near you talking in her mind. Yea but the condition is she should talk loud in her mind," said Sony Corp Chairman Sir Howard Stringer.

Talking about the earphones in detail, he said "Daily use of these earphones develops a white mucus in the ears. The mucus has ability to clean ears and improves power of hearing. More and more listening of songs, especially loud and clamorous like dog is barking or sound of krrrrrrrrr.... would start improvement faster and you can see expected results in 15 days."

Sony Corporation is a leading electronics maker and manufactures Television, mobile handsets, radios, DVD players, etc. The company tried to answer criticisms that has persistently made on music industry that using earphones is bad for ears.

"That is bullshit. These earphones are good for actually ears. Only caution you have to take is that keep these earphones at least for 21 hours in a day," said Mr. Stringer.

Media searching for more cruel and devilish photo of Narendra Modi

Both News print and television media is busy in searching more cruel and highly vampirish photo of Narendra Modi to regain the confidence of majority Indians, according to the sources.

"Majority of Indians represented by Congress men believe that Narendra Modi is Maut ka Saudagar and Yamraj still he is getting so much popularity. Media is also concerned over rising popularity of Modi," said the source.

According to estimates presented by Congress Party President in its annual conference, Congress Party represents 98% of Indians while rest 2% is communal and goes with BJP. Still ever growing popularity of Modi amazes them.

"Indian memory is very short and they forgot that we recently described Modi as Yamraaj and just few years back as Maut ka Saudagar," said Congress Spokesperson and part time minister Manish Tewari.

According to sources, most of the media including news print and TV channels are searching for some brutal picture of Narendra Modi to let people know that this man is like vampire.

"I am concern about Indian people and as a journalist who knows the fact that this guy was a real demon, I am not able to do anything," said Rajdeep Sardesai, Editor in Chief of CNN IBN.

He said "Even I came to know that all journos are searching for the real face of Modi in which he looks like a blood eating vampire."

Only one news paper was succeeded in finding a photo which shows Modi in atrocious mood. The photo on Economic Times news paper shows that a bunch of bees are finding honey from his white beard and Modi was laughing (as shown in the article).

"Yes that's true we are also searching for such kind of photo so that we will represent his actual face in front of the world in our Breaking News program," said Rajat Sharma of India TV.

Maharashtra Govt took Ajit Pawar's joke seriously; to build urine filled dam for all state Assembly members

Ajit Pawar and Prithviraj Chavan cracking a joke

Mumbai - Taking cues from Ajit Pawar's joke, Maharashtra State Government decided to build urine filled dam for all the requirements of all the assembly members.

"I don't know it was joke of Ajit Pawar or what but I understand one thing that it was a sensible advice. We have decided to build urinated dam for ourselves and will use that water for our day to day purposes. We will drink and bath with that water. Our crockery will also be cleaned with that water. All the Members of the Assembly (MLAs) of Maharashtra have decided to contribute to the dam," said State Chief Minister Prithviraj Chavan.

Chief Minister Chavan described this initiative as green initiative in water management and would not damage any natural resource. He also expressed gratitude towards Ajit Pawar's suggestion for healthy option of Shivambhuto normal water.

Recently, Deputy Chief Minister Ajit Pawar fueled a controversy with his comments -- laced with crass humour -- ridiculing the acute water scarcity in the state.

In reference to the ongoing hunger strike undertaken by a drought-affected farmer at Mumbai's Azad Maidan, Ajit Pawar said: "He is on fast for the last 55 days. If there is no water in the dam, how can we release it? Should we urinate into it? If there is no water to drink, even urination is not possible."

CM Chavan said "No it's not like that. Urination is possible for us. We can remove tons of liters of water daily which include healthy combination of food and liquor. Earlier we had no idea on how to use this clean and pure drinking water. But Ajit Pawar showed us the way. We are working on the plan."

According to the plan, every Maharashtra MLA will pour his pee/urine in a dam and that will be used for the drinking purpose of all the state MLAs. The urine has undergone quality check and it doesn't require purification system. Therefore, the raw urine will be utilised for all the purposes including drinking and food making.

Chavan said "If we all contribute according to the plan, lakhs of ton liters of water will be filled in the dam. We will use help of Thane based builders Salim Shaikh and Jamaal Qureshi for building this dam as fast as possible."

Govt estimates average 20kg reduction in fat BPL babies after sugar decontrol

Indian government expects that fat and healthy below poverty line (BPL) and economically weaker section (EWS) people will lose their weight by an average 20 kilograms after sugar decontrol measures.

"We are on the right track. All BPL and EWS people will have good chance to lose their weight by at least 20 kgs by reducing sugar intake. Sugar also increases risks of diabetes and other life style diseases from which these fat and lazy guys will automatically be protected," said Food and Consumer Affairs Minister KV Thomas.

The Cabinet Committee on Economic Affairs (CCEA) on Thursday approved a food ministry proposal seeking freedom to mills from supplying subsidised sugar for state-run welfare programs — known as levy sugar — and scrapping the release order mechanism through which the government controls sugar sales in the open market, as suggested by a panel set up by Prime Minister Manmohan Singh last year.

According to Planning Commission estimates released in 12^th Plan suggest that BPL and EWS people in India are fat and lazy and hardly add anything to GDP. The commission also pointed out rising risks of lifestyle diseases such as diabetes and requires getting immediate life line from the government in terms of removing subsidies on sugar.

The BPL community welcomed the decision of the government for partial decontrol. It also suggested for full decontrol immediately so that they would full benefits.

Rampal Yadav, a UP based farmer said "That was a cool decision. Wow, these mandatory measures are great for our routine diet. I already told my wife that we will stop eating sugar from tomorrow and start exercising. That will help us improve our diet. We are also planning to shift to 'Sugar Free' so that we will get cheap and healthy sweetener."

Using Rajinikanth strategy, Congress Party to launch book on Rahul Gandhi jokes

In line with the popularity measures taken by South superstar Rajinikanth, Congress Party will launch book on Rahul Gandhi jokes to make nation aware about his super natural powers. The book will be published this year and would regularly be updated.

"Rahul Gandhi is famous entertainer to the nation. But, people are still unaware about his super natural power. We want that to come forward in same way Rajinikanth was revealed to Indians," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Rajinikanth is India's only living super hero who used to throw Mars on Venus or dump airplane in graveyard. However, recently for some unknown reasons his public relations agency cooled down the aggressive strategies of promoting his super natural powers. Sources said that the agency is working on the strategies to promote Rahul Gandhi. Releasing Rahul Gandhi Jokes is the first step under this strategy.

"Yes we are working on Rahul Gandhi. Our analyst stayed with him for last 1 year and identified many super natural powers in him. We want to disclose those in the joke book," said the agency head Sachin Chavan.

He said "Take an example. Rahul Gandhi broke the inflation in pieces and it is now at 2% or something."

Congress Party expects that the book will be a mega hit and all the social media fans of Rahul will distribute it with love and affection.

Few examples of jokes on Rahul from the book

¨       After Rahul Gandhi became Prime Minister, he broke inflation in 4 pieces and sent them USA, China, Pakistan and Sri Lanka

¨       Rahul Gandhi stared at Arun Jaitley who is now roaming as smoke in the clouds

¨       Sushma Swaraj learnt dancing from Rahul Gandhi

¨       Rahul Gandhi taught Atal Bihari Vajpayee in his child hood how to take big pauses while talking

¨       Rahul asked Arun Jaitley tell me how you will reduce corruption and Jaitley blasted immediately

¨       Sex has stopped itself from having sex with beautiful lady after watching Rahul

¨       Underwear that 'Superman' wears was actually stitched by Rahul Gandhi

¨       Rahul Gandhi has double the size of Salman Khan, if he removes his clothes

President Pranab Mukherjee reversed earlier decision on Ajay Devgn and allots him death penalty

Famous for faster execution of death penalties, India's President Pranab Mukherjee reversed earlier president's decision on signing mercy plea of Ajay Devgn's execution declared in October 1992. Mukherjee signed on the papers of death penalty granted to Ajay Devgn and ordered Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde to execute him immediately.

"This notorious actor received death penalty in his movie 'Jigar' for many murders and tortures. But our kind and humble ex-president Dr. Shankar Dayal Sharma signed on his mercy plea. Now it is my duty to stop tortures of many Indians. I will not allow him to live any more," said Pranab Mukherjee.

According to sources, Pranab Mukherjee recently watched Ajay Devgn's movie Himmatwala and immediately asked his colleagues to pull down all the files of actor. The sources said that he immediately reversed the decision of that time president Dr. Shankar Dayal Sharma. Dr. Sharma signed on his mercy plea after listening to Ajay Devgn's entire story on why he murdered so many people in Jigar. Accusations on President Sharma were raised for not considering indirect murders of audience which watched that movie.

Mukherjee said "I apologize to nation which faced a serious torture and rape due to movie Himmatwala and ask home ministry to immediately take action and execute this killer (Ajay Devgn) immediately."

President also gave tribute to martyrs who died after watching the entire movie 'Himmatwala' and announced Rs.5lakh to their families. All the families which faced the damages from the movie welcome President Mukherjee's decision.

"I am glad that our request for serious punishment to Ajay Devgn was considered by President. Now my husband Sunil will rest in peace. I also promise my precious vote to Congress Party in the next elections," said Lucknow based Sukanya Sharma.