Stock prices of A.C. companies rise as Rakhi Sawant demands ban on ceiling fans

Stock prices of A.C. companies including Voltas, Lloyd Electric, Blue Star and Hitachi Homes zoomed as Rakhi Sawant asked India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi to ban ceiling fans.

SEBI officials never clean their asses before getting out of toilets

India's stock market regulator Securities Exchange Board of India (SEBI) officially confirmed that it's officers never clean their asses even after they come out of toilets, leaving them dirty and unclean. A senior official of the regulator was talking with the India Satire correspondent in a reply to its legal step against liquor baron Vijay Mallya after he left the country, easily selling everything  he owned. According to the official, providing easy exit to Vijay Mallya after many years of Kingfisher fiasco is routine work for the regulator and comes under the duty to protect rights of investors.

"That  is how we work. We think somebody else would clean the shit out of our asshole and let it keep unclean there," said Pappu Pandey assistant of SEBI Chief "Everybody functions that way here. We don't like to use our hands to clean that shitty thing. See as a SEBI officer I am here to rightfully live lavish lifestyle. Why would we even touch a dirty shit that's called Vijay Mallya. Let he get the nature's hand to automatically clean just the way shitty Anderson was cleaned after years of Bhopal gas tragedy. We are not hear to clean that shit but to protect rights of investors."

He confirmed that everybody was aware that Vijay Mallya sold his shares in United Spirits and Breweries and other properties before flying to London after writing some emotional crap.

"That is how we function. We protected his right to sell his shares in a full transparent manner and also allowed him to delist Kingfisher Airlines rightfully with much of grace. Now as the nature has cleaned our asshole from that dirty little shit, we plan to do something for crappy little investors," he told the correspondent.

When the correspondent asked him if the shit gets clean after bath, he said " We never bath."

Buzzing Stocks: Why "Just Dial" up today?

​Just Dial rose 11.19% today after the company's Managing Director & CEO announced acquisition of Google Inc by the company to finish the competition of the global search engine once and for all.

Why are Sensex and Nifty falling today?

·        Latha Venkatesh saw a horrible dream of world coming to end by end of this year if nobody listens to her advice.

·        World woke up in the morning and suddenly realized that the health of banking and energy companies in Japan is bad.

·        So many Indians which always follow everything western and global, started selling off their shares as much as they could.

·        Everybody who ignored SP Tulsian's advice which he gave 2 years back on the same day that Nikkei would drop more than 5% someday are perished today. Two years back here on CNBC TV18 he told Zika virus would take Japanese bond yields to negative.

·        Somehow Japan was also punished for his run against Uncle Sam's greenback – that is so-called US dollar. Thereafter, on today's auspicious day every investor in the world woke up and started dumping Japanese stocks.

·        Stock markets in Asia were lower and Japanese government bond yields hit record lows after concerns about the health of banking and energy companies led to selloffs overnight.

·        Japanese expert Chon-kim-Won (also called SP Tulsian in English) "There are some concerns about the banking sector, energy sector and yen appreciation which I saw in my dreams."

·        Also Zika virus infected German unit of Canadian financial institution Maple Financial Group was closed by Germany's financial watchdog on Sunday.

Sensex, Nifty rise as Government announced minimum support price

Major blue chip indices in India rose more than 1% today as huge losses piled up in some minister's portfolio, which led to announcement of minimum support prices (MSP) to Sensex and Nifty. The government declared MSP of 7200 to Nifty and 24000 to Sensex and asked every IAS officer to buy at whatever levels rather than sleeping in the office.

"The government yesterday announced Rs 5000cr price management fund just in line with the price management fund for food. Minister Sir sent us a clear instruction that follow SP Tulsian and Sudarshan Sukhani since morning and whatever stocks they tell the audience just buy them. Just punch the orders and buy at whatever prices, kill the bears, kill the valuation and kill the fundamentals insanely till he comes from Davos," said an IAS officer, requesting anonymity.

Sensex and Nifty couldn't perform well since Prime Minister Narendra Modi took charge of the office. However, riding on Modi wave, the sources said that all the ministers invested huge money in the markets. The sources said that all the IAS officers would be provided with trading terminals and asked them to punch orders immediately if any stock falls. 

Note: If you can't see SP Tulsian on CNBC TV18 just visit his website sptulsian.com to take inspiration of buying something and selling something.

SP Tulsian catches falling Sensex and Nifty in his bare hands

Great stock market strategist and analyst SP Tulsian caught the falling Sensex in one hand and Nifty in other hand and saved crores of rupees of the Indian investors going into drain. Tulsian who was on air at CNBC TV18 saw both Sensex and Nifty are falling sharply hurried up to save them. He put both of his hands below these markets, stopped both the Sensex and the Nifty from falling and with his dhaai kilo ke bare hands he lifted both the indices to settle them at respectable levels. Between, he cut his hands and blood flowed all over the CNBC TV18's floorings. "When Chinese government came to know Tulsian's courage it has invited him to save its Shanghai Composite Index from falling," Sonia Shenoy, anchorperson of CNBC TV18 told India Satire correspondent.

Stock markets to recover as soon as Ashwani Gujral looks at camera - experts

Indian stock indices which are falling for past 2 days will recover if Ashwani Gujral looks at camera of ET Now, feel experts.

"Indian stocks always feel isolated and lonely as Ashwani Gujral never looks at camera. The stocks feel that he always ignore them," said technical analyst of CNBC TV18, Sudarshan Sukhani who propagated a theory called 'market has its own mind and rest all is shit'.

Ashwani Gujral analyses Indian equities by applying his brain technically, which in short is called technical analysis. However, he always looks at his lap top and without giving a tiny bit of sh*t to ET Now anchors provide his views on number of stocks.

"He never watches at camera which generally disturbs stocks," said Avanne Dubash, an ET Now anchor "I am sure if he shows his face to the camera, stocks will bounce back."

A CNBC TV18 poll suggests that 98% traders are thrilled with the idea that they will see Gujral's face. "It will automatically bring necessary volatility as well as accumulation in the markets," said Hardik Patel, Ahmedabad based trader.

SP Tulsian recommends buying Gold at whatever price, believes in Bappi Lahiri magic

Leading market expert and stock analyst SP Tulsian recommended buying gold at whatever price it is available.

"I have studied earlier pattern in the gold prices. I found that whenever gold prices tumble sharply an ace investor Bappi Lahiri buys tons of gold just to add to his jewellery," said Tulsian supporting his argument.

He said Bappi Lahiri who is famous for his investment in gold uses opportunity of falling gold prices for re-entry.

"He was the stabilising factor last time in the gold crash. His investment pattern similar like LIC, which supports equity markets by buying equities at the time of crash. Same way Bappi Lahiri also buys tons of gold from several central banks in the world when the prices tumble," said SP Tulsian.

He also said that whenever Lahiri magic works out, the gold prices become double in a year or two.