Man died after Salman Khan - SRK patched up

Pappu Pandey, who's only aim, was to see Salman and Shahrukh Khan living happily together has ended his life yesterday, just a day after media released photos of both stars hugging each other at MLA Baba Siddique's iftaar party.

"He ended his life yesterday as the purpose of his life is achieved," reported CNN IBN in its telecast. The IBN reporter said that Pappu Pandey's only dream was to see SRK and Salman's hugging each other and solving all universal problems at one go with their sharp brains.

"Pappu was thinking that the world was divided and was under tremendous strain because of split between two actors," said the reporter.

Reporter said that the day when Pappu came to know about news, his eyes were wet and lips were smiling, showing emotionally happy feelings.

 "He was depressed for past many years and was living just with objective that new era of friendship begins between King Khan and Dabangg Khan. He was also dreaming the situation that SRK will accompany Salman in jail just to stay with him for life. He wanted such kind of friendship between them," said Pappu's wife who herself witnessed deterioration of Pappu's health over many years. His wife enlightened that Pappu linked all India's problems with SRK-Salman split.

She said "When Pappu heard that they both patched up, he immediately threw a grand party and next day left us in this miserable world. Now we are free."  

Salman Khan and Shah Rukh patch up is actually fake news

Morphed image of Salman and SRK hugging each other

Sources said that news about SRK and Salman Khan patch up is totally a fake news and blatant lie. Few news reporters and MLA Baba Siddique morphed images and videos hugging them together to generate votes in next elections.

India Satire appeals people not to believe in these fake reports which can cause social disruptions and danger to public life. 

Note: Issued in the public interest and social harmony.

Muslims confused over available choices of secular parties

Indian Muslims are confused over choosing one of the many secular parties, which represent them for their well being and against communal alliance NDA.

'Yes we are actually confused on choosing one of them. Whom do we chose? UPA, SP, BSP, Left, TDP, or whom, it is really difficult to decide. They should either consolidate themselves or threw out of the election battle. It's just difficult if you have so much of choice," said Abdul Hamid, a resident of Delhi.

Hamid said "All the parties I mentioned are claiming that they are the best representing agenda for secularism, though what that exactly supposed to mean that we don't know. Now I don't want to vote NDA so which party I have to chose is really a difficult task."

Many of them are really thinking about taking help from a representative of their problems. Young Muslims are not really confused as they will approach their representative. But old age Muslims are cautious.

"We are in talks with Mr. Chetan Bhagat who represents Muslim youth to understand his opinion. We will stick to his opinion and will vote whatever party he asks us to vote for. He is our representative," said Usmaan Shahid, a young Muslim in Mumbai.

Chacha Niyakat Khan said India Satire Correspondent "I don't like Mulayam's face, it is quite hard. But I am really confused over the UPA's credentials. Mayawati hasn't promised any statues or something in these elections and Left parties always look bemused and Nitish Kumar is newly joined secular. So now it is up to these people, how they distribute us among themselves."

Colgate’s new toothpaste removes all teeth

India's largest toothpaste selling brand and recommended by all the dental doctors, Colgate has developed a new range of toothpastes which removes all teeth from the mouth of users. The new toothpaste is branded under 'Colgate Active Teeth Remover' and will cater under premium range of its toothpaste products.

Colgate's Managing Director, Prabha Parameswaran said "We are happy with the innovation and the product will be launched in the next month. This is the great achievement for the company as it is first of its kind in the world and our team feels pride in saying that even Colgate's global operations will also launch the toothpaste globally."

Company said that the toothpaste was made for people who really get pissed off cleaning teeth every day. The idea was to tap that public.

"Instead of wasting your time on immensely boring exercise, just remove them once and for all. We are going to use 'Naa rahega baas naa bajegi baasuri' as a slogan to our campaign," said Prabha.

She said "Now no issues of sensitivity, no problems of gum and plaque, even I would like to say that the users will never feel pain in their tooth. Use Active Teeth Remover and you will find your teeth will be uprooted within few seconds."

Colgate's India division has developed a new formula that eradicates teeth from their roots. However, the company in its press release said that using Active Teeth Remover once is not sufficient and requires to be used twice in a week.

"It is similar like beard which grows after every two days and requires a cut more frequently. Problem with teeth is similar, they start growing every next two days. If you want to maintain your teeth free smile you have to use Active Teeth Remover after every two days," said Prabha.

Dead kids asked politicians to stop playing politics on their deaths

27 kids died due to consumption of mid-day meal at Saran, Bihar unanimously requested Bihar politicians to stop playing politics on their deaths and come together to find out the major culprits and implement stricter laws so that such event never happens.

“We have sent a 4 point letter to all the political parties in Bihar, requesting them to stop playing politics on our deaths immediately and work in concert so that such notorious event never happens. This is really sad that from the ruling party of Bihar to every opposition parties blaming each other and taking the benefit out of our deaths,” said Manu, who died after consuming the mid-day meal.

Talking to the India Satire correspondent, all kids said unanimously that corrupt mind is more dangerous than normal corruption and it is actually a root of any act of corruption.

“We are innocent kids and never understood corrupt minds. We feel that from people who placed pesticides in our food to the politicians all are corrupt minds. Politicians are more corrupt as they are diverting a very serious issue of our insecurity. We seriously request them, stop playing politics and find out the way to tackle such issues because corrupt minds are more dangerous than anything in this world,” said Pinku, another kid who was dreaming of becoming doctor.

4-Point requests to politicians

1. Stop playing politics on our dead bodies

2. Work together in tandem to make sure that such things never happen again

3. Punish the corrupt mind behind the entire saga as soon as possible

4. Form a high level panel to work on the strategy of removing corruption from minds. It would be bigger service to society than giving free food.

Sonia Gandhi appoints a task force seeking a better puppet as a Prime Minister candidate in 2014 elections

According to sources from Congress Party, President Sonia Gandhi has appointed a team of her most trustworthy associates as a special task force (STF) to discuss on the most ideal puppet in the party to put him on PM's post. The development came amid rising speculations over Congress Party's nomination for PM's post.

"This strategy has worked well in 2004 and 2009 elections as well as last two presidential elections. In both the cases, Madam put puppets on these rolls and the result you can see in the well being of Indian populace," said the source.

The source said that the STF has identified two best dolls out of a list of thousand party leaders in the Congress Party.  

"The task force has worked day and night on the names suggested by workers at ground level and recommendations came from party top brass. They identified two leaders which are best in doing whatever Madamji asks them," said the source. However, he denied giving their names.

He said "I will not be able to give you their names at this juncture as the list is with Madamji. But I can give you a clue. One is current Prime Minister of India and the other one is Congress Vice President. The actual names will be disclosed in next few months."

Rahul Gandhi asks speech writers to write controversial speeches to get media attention

Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi seeks a serious makeover in his poll strategy, after Narendra Modi is getting more and more attention from media. Gandhi Scion asked his advisors and speech writers to write speeches which are very controversial in their nature.

"Boss, this is depressing yaar, no news paper has covered me for last one month while Modi is everywhere. I talked with my PR agency and it advised me to make few controversial speeches and give very rude interviews with bashing on some communities or some person," said Rahul Gandhi in an exclusive interview with the India Satire correspondent.

After UP elections, hardly any media channel and news paper covered Rahul Gandhi.  According to sources, Rahul realized that media always demand controversies, some time pass material to discuss on prime time programs and headlines for breaking news. However, since last many years Rahul was not able to provide any great headline leading to many channels and news papers stopped covering him.

Rahul Gandhi's PR agency, Tapco's spokesperson confirmed that Rahul needs to change his strategy drastically. Rather than mushi-mushi kind of guy he should come out as a strong man like Robinhood for the sake of secularism.

"Rahul Baba requires a serious make0ver. He has been never considered as a powerful man due to his soft and innocent kid like nature. We want to change this. Baba now should look like angry young man with immense Secular Power to save secularists from communal forces. This requires him to get some media attention and for that we require him to read few controversial speeches," said Tarik Sayyed, spokesperson of Tapco.

Sayyed confirmed that Rahul conveyed the message to his Mummy Sonia Gandhi who gave him go ahead to whatever he wants to do.

"Rahul Baba is in talks with his advisory panel of Digvijay Singh, Ahmed Patel and Manish Tewari to collect data of different controversies affect Indian psyche. He has also asked his close aide and blogger Sanjay Jha to write 'atomic bomb' like speeches," said Sayyed.

Man reduced volume of TV while watching Arnab Goswami’s Newshour debate

In a shocking development, India's common man Pappu Pandey deliberately reduced volume of TV set while watching India's most popular debate show 'The Newshour' on Times Now.

"It was very saddening to see our patriotism and nationalism feelings are desiccating day by day," said Champak Ramanujan, a political analyst and ardent follower of the Newshour debate and its anchor Arnab Goswami.

He said "Reducing volume of TV set was OK, but when it was Arnab who was shouting and yelling from his belly just to get answers to our question was really disturbing and shows no sense of patriotism."

Arnab Goswami was discussing on Modi's statement that he was 'the Hindu Nationalist'. While the subject was very hot and related to nationalism, political analysts were expecting that the common man of India Pappu Pandey would keenly participate in it as an audience. However, according to information leaked by internal source of Pappu's house, when Arnab started questioning Pappu immediately reduced volume, many times he also muted the television.

"That fucking guy was shouting at thousands of decibel levels, creating a serious nuisance to my ears and head. I immediately reduced the volume as still even today at least I have control over my TV remote," said Pappu Pandey.

Pappu thinks he is stupid enough to be fooled by politicians

India's common man Pappu Pandey finally felt that he was stupid enough to be fooled by politicians. He realised after Narendra Modi's interview and controversies developed out of it.

"First time ever in my life, I realised that I was actually stupid enough to get fooled out of propaganda created by politicians. Earlier I used to think that there may not be necessarily any logic behind politicians in creating nonsensical rhetoric over castes, sub castes, religions, sub religions and regional boundaries. However, now I am feeling that I am actually brainless and all politicians are smart and create this propaganda with some logic behind it," said Pappu Pandey.

Pappu Pandey was referring to Narendra Modi's reference of 'Puppy', used in describing his sadness over 2002 riots.

Pappu said "That was actually Modi's cool idea which I earlier thought as foolishness. I realized it when next day read TOI that RSS is now pushing Narendra Modi as PM candidate and as perfect kid of RSS, BJP is in no denial mood."

Talking exclusively to India Satire, Pappu said that his two minds were in conflict with each other when they heard Modi's statement by thinking that the Modi's interview to Reuters was totally illogical and nonsensical too.

"One of my minds was totally shocked when Modi gave reference of Puppy. I thought this would derail Modi from his PM's claim while my other mind was thinking something else. It thought that there might be some logic behind the statement but still clearly doubting Modi's intention behind the statement. However, finally when I read today's newspaper, the calculation was clear. JD(U) is out of the alliance, Shiv Sena and Akali Dal has no problem with the statement and RSS would give green signal to Modi's PM candidature claim. How fool I was thinking that such statement would derail Modi from PM's race. I have not forgotten Sushil Kumar Shinde's statement that 'public memory is short'," said Pappu Pandey.

Government decided to bring higher authority to Supreme Court

UPA Government decided to work on higher authority to Supreme Court so that unviable and unjustifiable decisions of the premiere court can be reversed back. The decision has taken after a long brain storming session. All the MPs decided to grant the authority to make fair judgments to Congress President Sonia Gandhi. According to sources, the higher authority will be named as Sonia Gandhi Court (SGC) and the court will find out sense and fairness in the justice made by Supreme Court's judges.

"This will be the highest authority, even higher than SC and President of India," said the source direct knowledge to the development.

He said "After SC's nasty decision on MPs and MLAs that if they are convicted, can't join the office, we have decided to bring greatest of authorities in India into picture so that someone could judge decisions of SC judges with a fair view. The authority will find out sense and will make the clear, transparent and best final decision in favour of common Indian. We all were agreed that only Sonia Madam can take fair and best judgments. So we decided to make her final authority and name it as SGC."

The SGC will be headed by Sonia Gandhi while Rahul Gandhi will be Vice President. On the panel, leaders like Ahmed Patel, Digvijay Singh, Kapil Sibal and Salman Khurshid will help both of them. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has granted typist's role.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali to direct remake of ‘3Idiots’ based on true story of Ishrat Jahan encounter case

Popular horizontal cinema director, Sanjay Leela Bhansali announced his plans to direct remake of 3Idiots after completion of his current venture 'Ram Leela'. The director will use Ishrat Jahan case as a platform for the remake of 3Idiots.

"I love copying all type of grim movies in more and more sadist way. This time I thought of new idea and wanted to convert a funny and positive movie into one of the saddest movies in the history of World cinema," said Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

Bhansali announced his new directorial venture in a packed press conference in Mumbai. Bhansali is famous for converting old films and into films with polished sets and different indigestible colours. Colours in some of his films like Saawaria, Guzaarish and Devdaas were appreciated by public in Zumbu Planet.

Talking to the media reporters, Bhansali said "This movie is not a copy from any other movie. It will have an original plot. It will be a story of 3 innocent babies along with one girl who were murdered in the name of Police encounter. You can consider this film as a next part of 3Idiots. The movie will show positive 3 idiots gradually becoming negative and sadist 3 idiots and finally ended their life to Police bullets. This venture will make you cry. It will convert you into one of the most negative persons in the world."

While colour of the film is still undecided, Bhansali promised that sets will be much better than his earlier films.

"This time I am going to use background of Rozambu planet for the movie. The movie will go on floors after completion of my stupid venture 'Ram Leela'," said great director Bhansali.

Lalu Prasad Yadav calls for ‘fodder party’ tonight to celebrate Supreme Court’s stay on Jharkhand Court

Former Chief Minister of Bihar and Rashtriya Janata Dal (RJD) chief Lalu Prasad Yadav announced celebration of Supreme Court's decision to stay on a special CBI court in Jharkhand from pronouncing its verdict on July 15. The party chief decided to throw 'Fodder Party' to all his RJD associates.

"Laluji asked me to prepare different varieties of fodder dishes for party tonight," said Jamnalal Yadav, Lalu's cook.

He said "I will be preparing fodder biryani, fodder sabji, fodder roti, fodder, raita, fodder tandoori, fodder kheer and fodder ice cream. Post dinner we will also serve fodder lassi to all RJD party workers."

According to sources, Lalu asked his servants to bring tons of fodder and spread all over his house so that party associates would dance on the tunes of fodder songs on fodder floor.

Digvijay Singh to start classes on ‘Secularism’

Senior leader and General Secretary of Congress Party, Digvijay Singh announced special coaching classes on secularism. The batches will be held in all Congress branches with special video lectures of Digvijay Singh, aired from Delhi. For Delhi students, Digvijay Singh will personally give coaching.

"I am upset with the rising Hindu Terrorism and RSS activities in India. I want young boys and girls to master the art of secularism and evaporate communal entities like BJP, RSS from the country. The classes will take care of the aspirants who want to excel in secularism," said Digvijay Singh.

According to sources, the course will help mass population in India to label themselves as secular. The content will be comprehensive enough for the students to convert any event in day to day life to communalism. Congress Party also promises job after completion of the two years of course.

"Vanishing BJP is not on my agenda, as it would not give us a comfort of playing communal politics. My focus will be on connecting various issues to communal mindsets of the country," said Digvijay Singh.

Singh said "We also offer students a job of sweeper in the house and office of the most secular minds of India, Soniaji and Rahul Baba."

Syllabus of 'Rajiv Gandhi Art of Secularism'

1.     Basics Of Secularism

2.     Accounting Of Communal Parties

3.     Identifying The Communities Entitled To Get Bashing

4.     Master The Art Of Bringing Non-Linearity Of Communal And Secular Parties

5.     Logic Behind Communalism

6.     Logic Behind Secularism

7.     Connecting Each-N-Every Event To Communal Politics

8.     Road To Development Through Secularism ONLY

9.     Case Study Of Communal Mindset – Narendra Modi

10.  Case Study Of Half Hearted Seculars – Mulayam Singh Yadav, Mayawati, CPM & CPI Activists

11.  Case Study Of Secular Power – Rahul Gandhi

12.  Special Event – Guest Lectures Of Sonia Gandhi And Rahul Gandhi

Those two months before movie release are terrible – Shahrukh Khan

I always scared in those 2 months ahead my movie release. I always ask that almighty God to somehow fast forward this period as soon as possible and let the movie release first. I have never bothered about movie's record on box office, as most of my movies are wholesale disappointments and height of inanity my concern is the promotion work. I afraid of that stupid fucking marketing activities in which I have to behave like an idiot a$$hole providing some bullshit information to press about my house, my affairs, my kitchen, my toilet, my bathroom and my doggy just to satisfy senses of my fans. Thanks to my beautiful wife Gauri who always give courage to me and just because her unswerving support, I could have managed those scary 2 months till date before every movie of my life. Now I believe that somehow I will manage promotion of 'Chennai Express' too.

Job of any actor is just like a job of politician. After winning election, no politician comes back to his territory for any kind of work he promised. Actors also do same thing. Post movie release, they forget who their fans and journalists. Neither they are interested in meeting journalists nor do they want to see any stupid fan again. But experience of movie promotion is appalling. First of all put a fake smile, give interviews with many lies, make some stupid comments and provide plentiful gossip to journalists so that few stupid fans would fight on TOI or Rediff's comment section and increase the awareness about my brainless movie.

Guys, seriously I never care a shit about Salman Khan, nor does he. But this is for stupid people like you, who want incessant flow of gossip from my side. Forget that. I want to tell you one thing, just because you guys, you and particularly those insane journalists who have IQ below 5 and asks stupid questions like how did you feel working with Deepika again types, I am really pissed off. I don't like girls calling me in a stupid way like 'Oh Cutie Pie' and 'oh sho shweet' or some body builder boy who highly jealous with my relationship with my best friend Karan Johar and dreaming about me in the night. I don't want all these things. I beg with majority of people who are not my fans at all and really have productive and creative work than watching my worthless movies, please pray for me and save me from these dreadful two months.

(Shahrukh Khan is one of the leading Bollywood actors)

5 Ways to avail benefit from food security bill if you are tax payer and rich

As the UPA Government is pushing food security bill for 67% of India's population through ordinance route this monsoon session, India's rest 33% section of population is wondering how he will benefit from such bill and feels regretted for not coming under BPL or the economically weaker section category. If you are rich and wealthy, but still if you want to leave a legacy of being poor, deprived and hungry person to your child so that he can avail benefits of food security bill, here the India Satire brings some tips for you.

(Note: Rather than cursing Government for providing free food to huge population out of tax payer's money and adding huge amount to fiscal deficit, the India Satire brings a new and fresh approach towards food security bill so that everybody in India can benefit from it and live happily ever.)

A checklist to join the list of beneficiaries of Food Security Bill

Ö         Leave your job immediately and apply for BPL category

Ö         Ask your employer to pay salary by cash

Ö         Marry your maid/servant, take the Green Card (sorry Blue Card) and immediately file for divorce

Ö         Spend 25000 rupees up front to get ration card for poor from nearby MLA or corporate

Ö         Form an NGO protest against Government to increase the minimum limit to be a BPL family

Note: Issued in Public Interest

Delhi University to introduce new subject ‘Diggy Logic’

Delhi University has decided to introduce a new subject called 'Diggy Logic' in all the streams today. The subject will benefit students in learning how pathetic logic can be applied in day to day life. The decision came after Congress Spokesperson Digvijay Singh demonstrated another side of his logical brain yesterday.

"We are going to introduce the new subject from current year onwards. So that more and m0re students should be benefitted of the knowledge of pitiable logic," said Professor Dinesh Singh, Vice Chancellor of Delhi University.

Senior Congress leader found saying BJP would instigate communal riots in Congress states. Seconds after the statement flashed on TV channels and news sites, researchers of Association for Logic in India started finding out logic behind the statement. While taking the benefit of immense database of such weird and useless statements Delhi University decided to launch it in a subject. The university will update books with every new statement made by Digvijay Singh with detailed research, confirmed Vice Chancellor.

He said "The idea of introducing this subject is inspired by All-India Congress Committee (AICC) General Secretary Digvijay Singh's weird ideas about life and understanding of the events. The subject will discuss his statements, quotes and logic behind them. Though pathetic in every sense, we think students should learn it."

Government shifted monsoon session of Parliament to Twitter

Understanding the changing trend and perception of Member of Parliaments, the UPA Government has decided to change the upcoming Parliamentary session on Twitter. The government expects the move will improve the quality of interaction and arguments and will stop so called chaos in Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha forever.

"We are seriously considering this option. Nobody will disrupt Parliamentary work on Twitter and everyone would get chance to talk only 140 words so that only quality interaction would get promoted," said Minister of Parliamentary Affairs, Kamalnath. He also confirmed that short words would make the interaction more interesting for the public.

The government said that retweets will help passing the pending bills.

"We will easily pass the Food Security Bill by presenting it in Twitter Parliament," said Kamalnath. He said that number of retweets will be counted as votes for the bill.

Talking about how the opposition leaders would start message, Kamalnath said they can use hash tags.

"For example, if discussion is on Robertji, members can use hashtags #jamairaja and for Rahulji #pappu and if they want to convey some message to Manmohanji and want to include others to react, they can use #silentbaba," said Kamalnath.

Kamalnath also told that all the MP accounts will be protected and common man can't interact in the session, so that to avoid any legislature harm. He also said that the government will be very strict while interaction and MPs will have to be disciplined.

He said "We will take strict action in case of breach of code of conduct. We will ban them. For instance, we recently banned Manish Tewari from reaching and seriously disrupting harmony of the nation." 

Study: 87% believes that Google search data is useless

A study conducted by Independent Research suggests that 87% Indians believe that the results they get after searching on Google is worthless and no point to actually search for it. An extensive survey of 11,573 youth includes working people, housewives and college students.

 "I never found whatever I wanted on Google. Still just like a programmed warm I search it on Google," said Dibakar Bhattacharya, an Investment Banker in Mumbai.

He said "All the time I tried to search for the valuation models, Google gave me some trash links. However, still like a stupid guy I continue to search on it."

Same story with other net savvy people who actually trusts Google but found that the information that the search engine provides is rather pointless.

"I also observed that on Google. Whatever I tried to search for it actually sent me some other stupid information. I never felt like I am getting the proper info. Just a habit I search everything on Google. Its like searching information in dust bin," said house wife Priyanka Gandhi.

Priyanka Gandhi was trying to find out recent land deals and empty pockets of land in Gurgaon and other parts of Haryana.

Gandhi said "It feels stupid whenever some other worthless information comes out of it, like land in Namibia and Sudan. Even my husband is pissed off, finding the necessary land pockets in Gurgaon."

Talking on the allegations, Google India Head Rajan Anandan said "All these accusations are wrong and people need to apply their mind. Google's search engine is made with an algorithm that recognizes what the people need and what not to provide. If users insert some reverse information, Google will return proper and accurate data. Users like Priyankaji can ask Google land prices in Namibia or empty land pockets in Somalia and I assure her that Google will return with empty land pockets in Gurgaon."

Article talking about Narendra Modi widely considered as ‘politically biased’ and ‘secular’

A Times of India (TOI) article discussing about the role of Narendra Modi in Indian politics widely considered as politically biased and secular. Most of the comment writers pulled up legs of the article writer, TOI and UPA Government along with big shots like Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi and Manmohan Singh.

"This is a paid media," said Diggy Chacha, one of the comment writers in the article. Note: Only name resembles to India Satire's owner Diggy Chacha while personality differs. Chacha said "This is a paid media and secular also."

Other commentators which includes Platinum writer Pappu Pager said "The article writer is from the breed of intellectual dogs with heavy bias towards UPA Government."

Few commentators abused article writer by putting him on the stand of Nitish Kumar, Mulayam Singh and UPA Government's top notch leaders like Digvijay Singh by calling him 'Secular'.

"We are now becoming more and more secular country," said Rajan Sippy "It is real threat to the progress of the country."

Giving the reference of few political analysts in his comment, Sippy said that the 'secularity' is becoming more and more abusive word as any mentally retarded person could claim he is secular.

"Even Congress party claims that it is secular, ha ha ha," said Rajan Sippy.