ISI, Pakistan army arranges crash course for Pakistan panelists to successfully debate on Arnab Goswami's show

After daily bashing from Times Now Editor and News Hour anchor Arnab Goswami and his Indian colleagues, Pakistan army and its intelligence agency, Inter service Intelligence (ISI) decided to take crash course of Pakistan participants on how to deal with Arnab. According to Pakistan's army chief Gen. Raheel Sharif, the Pakistan's intellectual army fades away while combating against Arnab. Sharif decided about the step after he watched yesterday's News Hour show in which Arnab Goswami along with other Indian panelists was bashing Pakistani High Commissioner to India Abdul Basit.

"There is no need to teach them fabricated lies, that's in our blood. It's just like how a galli guy of India plays against any kind of spin bowling that's how we deal with scenario using all the lies. However, we need to improve their aggression and way of delivering lies," said Pakistan's army chief General Raheel Sharif to Reporter of leading English daily Dawn "It's just tweaking the way of talking. Therefore we decided to give lectures to Pakistan's esteemed intellectuals on dealing against Arnab Goswami under the guidance of Pakistan army's social media wing dictator General Bajwa."

When Dawn reporter asked if the participants despite rigorous training fail to deliver against Arnab, Sharif said "We will give them few nuclear hand grenades to throw on Arnab Goswami or else we will provide them battle tanks and missiles so that they would straight away target Times Now building from seating in Karachi, Lahore and Islamabad. Our army is fighter. Our Tariq Pirzada is sufficient for these News Hour guys; his bald skull is full of thousands of small nuclear bombs."

 

Pathankot JIT to investigate Nawaz Sharif's Panama assets

After the succes of Pakistan's Joint Investigation Team led by Punjab's Additional Inspector General of Police, Counter Terrorism Department, Muhammad Tahir Rai in investigating the role India in Pathankot terror and proving it was self managed, Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif appointed them to probe his own offshore dealings revealed by Panama papers. PM Nawaz Sharif was one of the esteemed political figures who saw his and his family's name in the Panama Papers. Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca (MF), show that Sharif's sons and daughter, Hussain Nawaz, Hasan Nawaz Sharif and Mariam Safdar, set up at least four offshore companies in the British Virgin Islands (BVI). According to leak, these companies owned at least six upmarket properties overlooking London's Hyde Park.

To clear air, Nawaz Sharif said "He he he, they couldn't find anything sort of Pakistan's involvement in Pathankot terror attack despite it being there. I am sure they will find nothing with me as well. Whoooopppppieeeee. Let them do the probe."

Pathankot JIT probe panel eats nuclear biryani post completion of probe

Pakistani news paper Pakistan Today confirmed that after completing the probe in Pathankot terror attack, the joint investigation team of Pakistan satisfactorily ate nuclear biryani, made with uranium and traces of plutonium and got blasted. The Pakistani team led by Punjab's Additional Inspector General of Police, Counter Terrorism Department, Muhammad Tahir Rai came last week to India to investigate the terror incident at Pathankot.

"I am feeling some gases have to be released," after eating the tasty nuclear biryani, the costliest biryani in Pakistan offered to only special people "I am going to release them."

After releasing the stuck up nuclear gases, onlookers and listeners saw a big blast and smoke everywhere with familiar smell of gas.

I will pull out each and every hair of moustache of American - Donald Trump

To contain terrorism and criminal activities, US Presidential candidate Donald Trump said that he would pull out each and every hair from the moustache of any ordinary to extra ordinary American. "There is no right for anybody to keep moustache. They (men/women with moustache) only involved in criminal activities like terrorism. Even Kim-Jong-Un has hidden moustache behind his upper lip. I will just put my thumb and a finger and would pull out each and every hair from there. If you guys (Americans who were listening to him) gave me an opportunity to contain Hitler by pulling out hair from his moustache, the massacre of Jews had never been occurred," Trump confirmed.

Nostalgic Jihadi remembers his 'suicide bombing - suicide bombing' game of childhood

​Just before bombing one of the parks in Pakistan's province Punjab, Jihadi Al Ashfaq Rehman remembered the suicide bombing - suicide bombing game he played with his childhood friends and became nostalgic, reported Pakistan media.

"He just wiped out his tears from his eyes and confirmed his colleagues that he played this game in his childhood with his best friends," said a source present when the incident happened.

"That time it felt great when we wore that leather belt with small Chinese plastic bombs on it and jumped while shouting dhadaaam dhoooom," said Rehman "But I don't find those friends now. One of my friends joined ISIS, one joined Al-Shabab, and another one is at Lashkar-e-Taiba. I really miss them."

Donald Trump challenges Kim Jong-un in open sumo wrestling fight in a final attempt of US Presidential elections

Republican candidate of US Presidential elections, Donald Trump challenged North Korea's head Kim Jong-Un in an open fight of sumo wrestling before proving his worth as a president of United States of America. Both will fight in WWE ring and would try to eliminate each other from this deadly earth. Kim Jong-Un has accepted the challenge while Trump has shown his excitement.

"This deadly battle is to save the planet from deadly aliens landed in North Korea. First I will f**k the hands of Kim, lift him over my head would throw him into the audience of United States of America. 'This is my battttttllllllleeeeee'," said Donald "First I will prove my candidature by eliminating Kim then after becoming President I will challenge Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif, another different planetary substance."

Another candidate Hillary Clinton has challenged ISIS head Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in a sumo wrestling championship. Before the real fight she will have practice match with existing US President Barack Obama to try her punches and kicks on.

Pakistan sets up an enquiry commission to know who the hell in this world could support it

​After a non stop support from various universities of India, where few students ranting 'Pakistan Zindabad' chants, positively surprised Pakistani administration decided to check what conspiracy is behind it.

"We are fucked all over the world. We are all abused and insulted all over the world including by Somalia, Congo and even worms in the gutter. However, we are surprised that few students in India support us and our activities in the neighbor country," said Pakistan´s High Commissioner to India Abdul Basit "I haven't ever heard anybody gave any respect to me or our army chief or even our Prime Minister. Even last month when Janaab Nawaz Sharif was in US, Obama asked him to clean the floor which was dirty since he visited last year. In this scenario, if somebody is chanting our name with so much solidarity, support and love then we have to understand what is all behind it?"

Abdul Basit told India Satire correspondent that Pakistan's PM himself would go deep into enquiry and if finds nothing then would ask Indian government to provide Pakistan's study material and their level of intelligence to these supportive students of these supportive universities.

Dr.Dang closed all his ties with Pakistan after latter's denial to Anupam Kher's visa

In response to Pakistan's refusal to grant visa to film star Anupam Kher, head of a terror organisation Dr. Dang snapped all his ties with the former country and announced that his army would not help in any activities of Pakistan's army or terror organisation against India.

"I always respected Anupamji for his patriotism and great acting talent. He always told me to do something for the country and stop helping Pakistan. However, due to greed for money and power I supported Pakistan's terror organisations and its army. Now as the country with whom I engaged for so many years denied visa to Anupamji, I have decided to break all the ties with that country and to help  Rana Vishwa Pratap Singh  with locations of their addas," Dr Dang told India Satire correspondent.

Anupam Kher portrayed Dr Dang in hindi movie Karma since then Dang became a big follower of the movie star.

Satirists took oath of writing politically correct humour on the anniversary of Charlie Hebdo's attack

All the satirists in the world took an oath in Global Conference of Satirists Stupidists that they would remain politically correct every time they write any satire. The event was arranged on the eve of first year anniversary of an attack on Charlie Hebdo.

Every satirist took an oath, "Humour sucks/Satire yucks! There is no need to make satire on each and everything from here onwards. We will remain politically correct and screen each and every satire before posting it to website/blog/anything that could be made public. Our satire will be against those who are soft like a loath of bread who never respond/react on anything written about them, e.g., Barack Obama."

A man's wife fine with the idea of staying in India even after Pathankot terror attack

A man's wife, Albert Einstein look alike Kiran Rao is fine with the idea of terrorists attacking India and killing people and said there was no need to leave the country for now, confirmed her husband Aamir Khan.

"She has issues with few things, else she is fine with the country," said Aamir Khan in an exclusive interview to Barkha Dutt "Killing soldiers by terrorists is not an act of intolerance, therefore she is fine with it."

Aamir Khan told Barkha Dutt that yesterday when the couple was having coffee in the night his wife, Kiran Rao confirmed that such kinds of attack were just as routine as they were in the time of Congress government and therefore they didn't offer reason to leave India.

India demands specific dates to be declared much ahead of any India-Pakistan peace talks and terror attacks

IT WILL HELP EVACUATE INDIANS FROM TERROR SPOTS

Indians demanded specific dates from Government of India to be declared before any peace talks and resultant terror attacks by terrorists. Indians told India Satire correspondent that specific dates in hand would help them evacuate places where terror incidents would happen.

"We have no issues if Indian government wants to do anything to Pakistan but boss before doing it just send us the calendar of Modi's upcoming surprise visits, peace initiations and thereafter resultant dates of terror attacks with specific places where these events going to happen. We don't care what bullshit Pakistan wants to do, we care what Indian government is going to tell us," said an Indian frustrated with an idea that everytime when India initiates peace talks Pak army and terrorists plot terror attack.

"Boss! That is what we know from our childhood. Whenever we are going to offer them friendly hand they would send few nasty terrorists to kill the talks. So if I know this, you know this, government know this, Pakistan know this, its army know this and terrorists know this then why the hell Indians don't know where the terror incident is going to happen. We have no issue if you like them to attack repeatedly on us, but at least tell us they will attack us here or wherever, we can evacuate that place and save our life," Indian told Indian government.

Mars Orbiter to evacuate Indians and settle them on Mars after Pathankot terror attack

India's Mangalayan (Mars Orbiter) would come back to India and will take all Indians to planet Mars, as Earth remains a major challenge for them and their lives. Government of India told India Satire correspondent that the vicious cycle of cuddling Pakistan government and after that Pakistan army would send terrorists to India to conduct terror attacks should be broken down and therefore it has decided to send all Indians to planet mars and settle them till India's talks with Pakistan successfully completes.

​"Hopefully, Pakistan has not reached to mars and therefore we decided to secure Indians from the attacks on India by sending them to mars. Pakistan army and terror outfits are 1000 times stronger than us and we also worry the delicacy of matters. As my father told me in my childhood that we need to continue talks with Pakistan and face the resultant terror attacks, thats fun for Pakistan. But I believe it would be better evacuate Indians from India and send them to mars so that fun would be limited for them," said India's home minister Rajnath Singh.

Rajnath Singh confirmed that talks with Pakistan were important for unknown reasons and therefore to save Indians from unknown attacks government had gone a step ahead by deciding their livelihood at mars.

Ajit Doval reveals strategy of Pakistan army is to derail peace talks between India and Pakistan

India's National Security Adviser Ajit Doval revealed a shocking input to India Satire correspondent that Pakistan's strategy is to derail India - Pakistan peace talks as per the intelligence inputs he received from Intelligence Bureau and RAW.

"I just came to know this shocking revelation. IB chief and RAW chief personally told me that if India initiates peace talks with Pakistan, Pakistan army asks terrorists to attack India for unknown reasons. And my sources told me that Pakistan is using this strategy for years, however, we Indians were not aware about it," said Ajit Doval.

Doval confirmed that earlier he believed peace talks means something plain vanilla talks, however, he was not aware about this totally a new revelation that Pakistan's army doesn't want these talks to happen and therefore kill innocent Indian citizens.

"Now as we came to know that whenever we initiate peace talk they would certainly send terrorists, we can device a new strategy. See, we will tell them we want to talk and they will send terrorists and we will capture them, this way we can capture thousands of terrorists," said Ajit Doval.

BREAKING NEWS: G-20 leaders vows to hold guns in their hands; catch and kill every animal of ISIS

November 16, 2015

Antalya, Turkey

In a major crackdown on terrorism, group of top 20 world's most powerful leaders personally decided to take guns in their hands and kill each and every terrorist in this world.

"Each and every leader will personally carry a hi-tech machine gun and will eliminate each and every terrorist from the world like thadddddd...thaddddd...... thaddd.....," said spokesperson of G-20 conference.

Anish Kapoor is a chemically proven weapon to eliminate talibanism from world - Study

A medical study jointly conducted by US and European Institute of Medical Research recommends a chemical weapon with Alpha Omega Beta (AOB) element that only finds in intellectuals where brain only functions to reserve AOB and supplies it to hair while thought process comes from the knee area and for few from their asses. This AOB has tremendous capacity to eliminate talibanism from the world. The study says that the AOB element exceeds the maximal limit in UK based sculptor Anish Kapoor's brain and if used properly against Taliban, he would be very effective. Anish Kapoor recently wrote an article in Guardian about Talibani leadership in India.

"Rather than discussing about Taliban why don't we try to eliminate it from the world? Anish Kapoor has tremendous amount of AOB element in his brain. If we don't use this AOB element properly, the brain uses it for cultivating grey hair on the head. Rather than keeping him wealthy with hair we can take out a lot of AOB element to eliminate talibanism. He could be used as a great chemical weapon. We can inject him into missiles and fire them on the targets of Taliban," said study which advised US and British government to consider putting think tank Anish Kapoor into missiles.

"He could be used as many times as he has hair on his head. AOB is available in human brains only and there is no other natural source. We have never found so much of natural AOB chemical which is planted in Anish Kapoor in any journalist or intellects in the world, not even in Rajdeep Sardesai, Barkha Dutt or any Indian intellectual," confirms study.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali to direct remake of ‘3Idiots’ based on true story of Ishrat Jahan encounter case

Popular horizontal cinema director, Sanjay Leela Bhansali announced his plans to direct remake of 3Idiots after completion of his current venture 'Ram Leela'. The director will use Ishrat Jahan case as a platform for the remake of 3Idiots.

"I love copying all type of grim movies in more and more sadist way. This time I thought of new idea and wanted to convert a funny and positive movie into one of the saddest movies in the history of World cinema," said Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

Bhansali announced his new directorial venture in a packed press conference in Mumbai. Bhansali is famous for converting old films and into films with polished sets and different indigestible colours. Colours in some of his films like Saawaria, Guzaarish and Devdaas were appreciated by public in Zumbu Planet.

Talking to the media reporters, Bhansali said "This movie is not a copy from any other movie. It will have an original plot. It will be a story of 3 innocent babies along with one girl who were murdered in the name of Police encounter. You can consider this film as a next part of 3Idiots. The movie will show positive 3 idiots gradually becoming negative and sadist 3 idiots and finally ended their life to Police bullets. This venture will make you cry. It will convert you into one of the most negative persons in the world."

While colour of the film is still undecided, Bhansali promised that sets will be much better than his earlier films.

"This time I am going to use background of Rozambu planet for the movie. The movie will go on floors after completion of my stupid venture 'Ram Leela'," said great director Bhansali.

Syed Ali Shah Geelani kicks on his own ass, says Govt has done it

After a series of self ass hitting kicks, conservative leader of Kashmir and hardline Hurriyat Conference leader Syed Ali Shah Geelani swelled his ass into red blaming Central Government for the situation.

"This was because of the Government's stubborn behavior towards us, the separatist Kashmiris. Look at this, look at how because of Govt's adamant behavior I am hitting on my butts for thousand times in a day just like an insane and mad man (Geelani started hitting his ass again and again with vigour and energy)," said Geelani to the reporters, proving his statement that because of Govt's 'aggressive' and stubborn policy on Kashmir the youth of the valley took up the arms.

Geelani then kicked his ass for 100 more times in front of reporters and sat down on a corner of the room with his hukka just like nothing has happened. 

Rahul Gandhi took gun in his hands to save the democracy

Finally to take revenge of attack on Indian democracy, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi took AK-56 in his hands. After watching him gun in his hand, Congress Party workers shouted unanimously "Rahul Baba in Vengeance, Rahul Baba ki Jai. Maoism is now vanished fully. Democracy ki Jai."

"Boss! I can't tolerate indiscipline in India. It is not an attack on Congress. It is an attack on democracy. Now I am going to teach them a lesson. I will shoot each and every Mao, dhadhad dhadhad dhadhad dharrraaakkkk trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…," Rahul Gandhi voiced in similar fashion as like machine gun do.

Addressing to Congress leaders said "I will not tolerate anybody. I will hit everybody. Dhishum dhishum (punches). Mummy is soft with all Maoists but I am not. I am just like her." Rahul Gandhi moved his finger towards Mamata Banerjee's photo.

Gandhi also carried few hand grenades with him just to show Maoists how it sounds when the noise come 'dhoom dhoom'.

"He is well equipped to destroy all the camps of Maoists. He will first visit them and ask for sabzi roti. If still they refuse with indiscipline, he would take the revenge with his gun," said the event planner Digvijay Singh.

India told Rahul Gandhi 99% Maoist attacks on politicians stopped

Recalling the Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi's statement that 99 per cent of the terror attacks had been stopped in the country, thanks to various measures, including improved intelligence, India today said hard biting truth.

"99 per cent of the Naxal and Maoist attacks had been stopped in the country over politicians, thanks to various measures taken by the UPA Government," said India.

India said that she was convinced about her security and peaceful life after Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi in July 2011, addressing a press conference at Bhubaneswar, a day after serial bombings in Mumbai killed at least 17 people and injured more than 130, called for efforts to stop terrorist attacks in the country.

"It is very difficult to stop any single terrorist attack," Rahul said that time, adding that 99 percent of the attacks have been stopped. "We must stop 100 percent attack."

Rahul also convinced India that time by saying "We are responding to it in a quite organised fashion."

India recalled all those events at the time after Rahul considered on the deadly Maoist attack on his party leaders in Chhattisgarh as an attack on democracy itself.

"It is not an attack on Congress. It is an attack on democracy. But, we'll not fear from such an attack and continue to move forward with enthusiasm," Gandhi told reporters at the Raipur Congress Bhawan soon after his arrival at about 2am.

However, India congratulated Rahul and said "It is very difficult to stop any single naxal and maoist attack. But 99 percent of the attacks have been stopped. We must stop 100 percent attack."

She also said "We know the UPA Government will respond to it in a quite organised fashion, as usual."

Mosquitoes of Arthur Road Jail disappointed with Sanjay Dutt

Arthur Road Jail based mosquitoes immensely disappointed, after they came to know that Sanjay Dutt was carrying mosquito repellent with himself for next 1 month.

"We were totally disappointed and couldn't sleep for last night just because he came with a mosquito repellent," said a Mosquito from Sanjay Dutt's jail.

Initially, Sanjay Dutt was worried about hygiene and poor conditions of jail. He also told to a Mumbai based tabloid that he would never survive without fans, pillows and mosquito repellents.

But in a major relief for the actor, the court granted him access to home-cooked food, mattress and pillows for a month. However, the mosquito repellent that Sanjay Dutt carried with himself created nightmares for jail based mosquitoes.

"We thought we would get a good bulky flesh to eat for a while. Earlier, we were a bit let down that he was trying for Yerawada Jail. We were badly jealous with Pune's mosquitoes. Still we were convinced with the fact that we will have biryani for at least next few days. But court just threw water on our burning intentions," said a senior mosquito from the cell. He also told that mosquitoes bought all kind of spices required to prepare best of kinds of biryani.

According to sources, few mosquitoes complained jailor about dramatic rise in pollution levels during the night that created suffocation among the mosquitoes. The sources said that Sanjay Dutt used Kachwa Chaap machchar agarbatti in the night.

"Jailor assured us that he would make some arrangement that will help us eat his flesh, suck the blood and still wouldn't adversely impacted by that repellent," said one of the mosquitoes.