Movie Preview of Prem Ratan Dhan Payo by Mahesh Bhatt

Changing our earlier policy, the India Satire team has decided to ask film industry veterans to give previews on upcoming Bollywood movies. In this series, film producer Mahesh Bhatt will share his preview on Prem Ratan Dhan Payo.

​    Mahesh Bhatt

"I don't know why India Satire wants to capture all and sundry movies in its preview series. I had a lot of respect for India Satire's (IS) entertainment division for giving space to few irresistible movies such as  Piku, Housefull series, Ram Leela and ABCD 2. However, by asking to share my views on 'Prem Ratan Dhan Payo' (PRDP), a crap movie with a lot of Indian feel in this crap preview section, they disturbed me a lot. When I got call from IS correspondent to share my views on PRDP, I cried a lot putting my head on the shoulders of Pooja Bhatt. I thought they would ask me to discuss about Bajirao Mastani, a real brain churner. Aghast! They asked me to write about PRDP. So before writing about the preview of the movie I watched pre-release screening of PRDP arranged by Sooraj Barjatya and I can tell you that period was worst in my life. I have explained my experience about the film below.

My Preview guide of Prem Ratan Dhan Payo

v  The movie has duration of at least 3 hours. While watching the film, I felt like Mallika Sherawat transmitted me from her mouth to Emran Hashmi's mouth where I was choked up in his throat. It was like I was begging in front of Mohit Suri to take me out of his throat. What can I say about this movie? It discusses crap things such as we should respect others, live an honorable life with dignity and devotion, love others and do something good for world. Shockingly, the movie brainwashes its audience that love is more important than sex. F*ck!

v  Movie is about double Prems with single Prem having family and the other single Prem has friends, love and revenge to do something in life. Actress Sonam Kapoor laughs and cries a lot, however, still no match to my find Shraddha Kapoor.

v  Worst thing about the movie is it doesn't carry any message of Hindu Muslim, Indo-Pak unity. It only shows Hindu tradition in good light which I think is biased.

v  I tried to observe each and every point of the movie. I watched all the actresses closely with two spectacles but couldn't find single part of their body. Forget sex scene hero heroine never smooches each other in entire movie. In my whole career, I never thought of seeing actors and actresses in full clothes. This movie is simply for intolerant Hindu viewers and for people who are not liberal about the clothing style of their daughters and for RSS and extreme Hindutvavadi organisations.

v  Songs are really pathetic, singers never cry or shouts from their underbellies and therefore you never get feel for the situation, totally expressionless voices of singers. Worst thing is that the music director avoided giving a single chance to donkey or Arijit Singh to sing in PRDP.

v  Himesh's music is also worst as you can clearly hear words during the background music. Are we going to era of India's worst musical decades of 1950s, 1960s and 1970s? What happened to India's 20 years of tradition of loud background music with words of singers used as fillers? As a great producer, I think you should never be able to hear words in the background music.

v  Movie is far from reality, no actor actress dies in the climax and everything shuts with happy faces. Boss! A film ending with happy faces or lack of blood spill all over the ground looks like man without fart. Pathetic!

v  I would advise viewers who like my semi-porn movies to avoid PRDP as it doesn't have sex and secular messages. This movie is for those people who carry impractical ideas, who give importance to love over sex and who think life without goodness is like Mahesh Bhatt without Sunny Leone.

v  Advise to movie viewers; take double dosage of diabetes pills.

This concluded my movie preview of PRDP."

Takaaki Kajita returns Nobel to protest intolerance

Japanese scientist and Nobel prize winner Takaaki Kajita decided to return his Nobel prize to protest the growing instances of intolerance in the Indian society. Takaaki Kajita who discovered neutrino oscillations, which shows that neutrinos have mass, returned the award just like any other Indian author, scientist or movie director who never faced so much of intolerance in India which they are facing during current government's regime.

"The Indian government is constantly creating difficulties for me to live freely. I don't want to see myself under religious dictatorship," said one of the Indian scientists who returned his Padma Bhushan yesterday "I believe for the similar reasons Kajita has returned his award.

Kajita lives in Japan and is affiliated to University of Tokyo, Kashiwa, Japan. India Satire correspondent approached him to ask why he is returning his award, he said "Just for time pass! Everybody in India was returning his award so I thought to return my Nobel Prize just for some entertainment."

Pakistan targets average IQ of 20 for its citizens by 2050

Pakistan government and its army establishment has opened a war against low levels of intelligent quotient of its citizens, establishments and media, Pakistani leading English daily Dawn reported. Both the establishments promised the nation that IQ levels of its citizens will improve to 20 by 2050. Recently, Zamaat Ud Dawah with average IQ levels of zero has published a poster in Pakistani news paper that the earthquake was caused by "our sins" and "vulgarity".

omar r quraishi (@omar_quraishi) tweeted at 9:42 AM on Thu, Oct 29, 2015:
Newspaper advertisement by Pakistan's JUD saying that the earthquake was caused by "our sins" and "vulgarity"
https://t.co/hEc9dR5TLY
(https://twitter.com/omar_quraishi/status/659583574946000898?s=03)

"I really feel disgusted wherever I go and watch any Pakistani with IQ of 1. The situation was not similar when Qaid-e-Azam Jinnah took over Pakistan. The IQ was 10 at that time while IQ of Qaid-e-Azam was highest ever for any Pakistani at 25. Now it is time for us to reduce this embarrassment and at least to show that we have slightly below average IQ level," said Pakistan Army Chief General Raheel Sharif.

Sharif told Pakistan media that currently average IQ of any politician in Pakistan is 5, Pakistani citizen 1, Pakistan Army 3 and Pakistan Media zero and it needs to take serious efforts to improve it.

He told in the conference that all Pakistani politicians plan to support him and a plan to improve IQ levels will be imported from China.

"China is our big brother, it will take all the efforts to improve our IQ levels," said Sharif.

Stock markets to recover as soon as Ashwani Gujral looks at camera - experts

Indian stock indices which are falling for past 2 days will recover if Ashwani Gujral looks at camera of ET Now, feel experts.

"Indian stocks always feel isolated and lonely as Ashwani Gujral never looks at camera. The stocks feel that he always ignore them," said technical analyst of CNBC TV18, Sudarshan Sukhani who propagated a theory called 'market has its own mind and rest all is shit'.

Ashwani Gujral analyses Indian equities by applying his brain technically, which in short is called technical analysis. However, he always looks at his lap top and without giving a tiny bit of sh*t to ET Now anchors provide his views on number of stocks.

"He never watches at camera which generally disturbs stocks," said Avanne Dubash, an ET Now anchor "I am sure if he shows his face to the camera, stocks will bounce back."

A CNBC TV18 poll suggests that 98% traders are thrilled with the idea that they will see Gujral's face. "It will automatically bring necessary volatility as well as accumulation in the markets," said Hardik Patel, Ahmedabad based trader.

To-do guide for people who want to return awards

Following is a guide for people who want to return their awards to Government.

Key points

v  You must have been awarded by previous governments is the minimum basic requirement

v  You should have group to return award to government

v  You must have at least a tiny amount of secularism or else you may be considered as a copy-paste awardee

v  You need not know why you are returning award but you must be aware that you are returning award because you are not happy with "Central (and not state)" government's policies in handling communalism

v  You should mug up words such as 'secular India', 'worst ever pressure on freedom of speech', 'dictator government', and 'worst threat to secularism in the history of India'. Just read few speeches made by your companions who returned their awards earlier.

v  It doesn't require you to prove how "Central" government has underperformed in tackling communalism or how it is dictating its terms by curbing freedom of speech as nobody care why you returned the award. Just mug up the speeches and pass the time when you will be questioned media.

v  Add a tendency to bifurcate media into secular media and non-secular media before answering them. It will help you whether to answer or dodge the questions.

v  If you are returning award with a group of like minded people, then finding the place where you will have to return the award would not be difficult.

v  Returning award doesn't mean returning prize money.

v  Enjoy the new awards after returning government's awards such as you will get new designations such as SR for secular, INT for intellectuals and NSI for non secular, non intellectual award returnee.

Viewer asked Dibakar Banerjee to return his money wasted on one of Banerjee's dark movie

A viewer of dark movies with substance, Pappu Pandey asked Dibakar Banerjee to return his money spent on few stupidest dark movies such as Love Sex aur Dhokha, Shanghai, Bombay Talkies and Detective Byomkesh Bakshy. Pappu demanded his legitimate money for not getting due dark entertainment from Banerjee's movies after he came to know that as like awards could be returned to government, he might get his money wasted on Banerjee's movies. Pandey ruled out giving a last chance to Banerjee for his upcoming movie, Titli.

"Fu*k off! Dark movie means I should not see anything on screen. Its 3 hours of black screen. However, I saw all Banerjee's movies apart from Khosla ka Ghosla and none of them was dark. I could see actors and actresses doing some heinous stuff or stupid activities on screen. I am a fan of dark movie and I went to watch these movies thinking that I would see black screen for 2-3 hours. However, there were people doing work in those movies and the screen was having some dim light," said Pappu.

When told Pappu that dark movies mean dark side of life, society and human beings, he told India Satire correspondent "Why do I need to watch dark side of life when my wife beat me every day, my boss sucks my brain like anything and I am still deprived soul. I thought dark movies mean movies that Vishal Bharadwaj directs where you can't see anything on screen. I have downloaded all the movies of Bharadwaj from torrent and yet to know who were the actors in those movies. By the way, even if Banerjee directs some movies with stories they are shit and for not getting due entertainment its better to ask him return my money," said Pandey.

Pandey confirmed that his decision was inspired by Banerjee's step to embarass government by returning award as he was not duly entertained (respected) by government. Closed source to Banerjee said that Banerjee gives a sh*t to this kind of stupid audience and he makes movies for people with IQ of more than 500, yet to be observed in mankind.

Mars Orbiter "Mangalyaan" sends new and fresh photos of Mars to Sanjay Leela Bhansali

India's Mars Orbiter (Mangalyaan) has started sending new and fresh photographs of Mars to Sanjay Leela Bhansali (SLB), according to ISRO. The ISRO official told India Satire correspondent that new photographs would help SLB to select the locations for a song of his next movie. According to a source, after humongous success of Deewani Mastani song because of its "everything in gold" color and Deepika's natural stares, SLB wants to shoot a song for his next movie venture after Bajirao Mastani on a location where natural red color is available. The source also told us that Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and Deepika Padukone will dance in that song.

"Mangalyaan has sent 45 new photos of the North Pole of Mars to Bhansaliji. Next month it will send photos of South Pole and by January end it will complete all the photography works," said ISRO official SL Nair.

Last year, India sent Mars Orbiter to the red planet to gather information of new-new locations, colors and climates so that SLB would get more options for shooting his next movies. The source told correspondent that the orbiter was designed by SLB himself and gifted it to ISRO.

​Better days for lonely Mars

"He is a genius scientist although his scientific mind shadowed by his thirst for having great locations, designing out-of-the-world but real sets and canvassing new colors. Red planet was always in his mind for his next unnamed movie venture with Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and he chose Mars to shoot one of the many songs in the movie. Aishwarya will profusely dance with Deepika Padukone in that song and SLB wants to make it most famous dance in the universe. He provided us all the materials, designs and funds for it and used ISRO's satellite launch vehicle to launch orbiter," said SL Nair thrashing the allegations that ISRO itself developed the orbiter.

Nair told correspondent that as soon as Mangalyaan completes its work of sending photographs, SLB will personally visit the red planet and would immediately start shooting the film.

Sources from SLB's production unit confirmed the development and told India Satire correspondent that SLB is very excited about the idea to shoot a song on red planet.

"Whatever you see in "Deewani Mastani" song is not golden color but actual gold. Everything from Deepika's dress to wall of the set is made with real gold. Last year 80% of gold imported in India was actually by SLB only. He never drew his hand from spending it on real original things. He wants to fulfill his dream watching Aish and Deeps dancing together and for that he is ready to take entire crew to Mars," said the source from SLB's production unit.

"Bhajji (Harbhajan Singh) promised he will act sensibly after marriage" - Geeta Basra

In her last media interview before marriage, bollywood actress Geeta Basra told India Satire correspondent that she would make it sure that Harbhajan Singh will act sensibly and with maturity after marriage.

"I know Bhajji still acts childish and immature. There is no single iota of his character that shows he is matured. Sometimes he makes you feel embarrassed and sometimes disgusted. However, I am sure I will change this guy to a matured person after marriage," said Geeta Basra, opening her mind in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

Basra knew that Singh was popular for his short tempered nature and kiddish behavior on cricketing field. She told correspondent that he is same as a person as he is on the field and listed out all the areas where she would take necessary steps to improve Singh's sensibility.

​"The way he laughs, dance, shouts or argues is really pathetic. You will not feel like you want to be with him for more than 5 minutes. Although, he swore in front of me that he would act sensibly, it is not easy to change creatures like him in fraction of seconds and it requires concerted efforts. I am pretty sure I am the one who would keep him on his toes and will make him a real man, a real matured and sane human being," said Geeta Basra.

Castration Guide For Rapists

As the Hon. Madras High Court recommends castration as punishment to child sex abusers observing that "barbaric crimes should definitely attract barbaric models of punishment", India Satire brings a brief guide for rapists how to be well prepared before castration and what exactly it is.

To Rapists: Castration Guide 

v  Castration is simply removal of your genital so neither you can have sex nor masturbation in your rest of the life. A pleasure of being independent of any interests or attachments

v  Ask doctor whether he brought all the instruments with himself so that the process will get through easily.

v  It is possible that you will reduce a lot of ammonium nitrate and sulphur di-oxide while the process therefore before going to the process ask doctors to wear their masks.

v  You can have selfie of your castrated part and share it on FB and Twitter to share with your rest of the probable castrated guys. Sharing spreads love.

v  Always check all the instruments for castration are duly washed and cleaned up

v  Ask doctor to wear clean gloves so that other than your sexual part would not be affected. It is important for you as it will let you live with pleasures of castrated person.

v  Watch Mahesh Bhatt produced bollywood movie Murder 2 to get detailed impact analysis of castrated person