Congress to release another hot photo of Rahul Gandhi

Congress Party has decided to release another hot and sexy photo of Rahul Gandhi, clicked while he was on the visit of Uttarakhand.

"This time he would be in clean white kurta and paijama with his trademark brown chappals," said Congress spokesperson Ambika Soni.

She said "Rahul looks cutie pie in the get up with well built muscles that he developed in one of the destroyed gyms in Rudra Prayag."

Fulfilling the urge of women voters of India, recently Congress Party decided that a series of good looking photos of Rahul Gandhi to release carrying various activities in different locations.

"We are going to make a beautiful album of photos of Rahul Gandhi's Uttarakhand visit in a golden frame and would put to into a contest. A lucky woman will win that," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Ambika Soni informed reporters that Rahul gave different interesting poses during his visit making a proper serious face and showing his concerns over disaster.

"Those were natural expressions and not like some 'Rambo' putting a poker face and acting like a drama actor," said Soni.

McDonald's launches new slim burger for diet conscious Indians

Keeping in mind the rising need of health conscious Indians, chain of fast food restaurants McDonald's (McD) has launched slim Mc Waf-o-Thin burger first time in the country. The burger will have wafer thin potato/chicken chip put inside the bread.

"Mc Waf-o-Thin burger will be available in two variants one veg and other will be chicken. The product will be made keeping in mind the aspiring Indians with immensely calorie conscious," said India head of McD, Smita Jatia.

She said "The new burger will have wafer thin patty put inside the bread with fragrances of cheese and butter. Customers can spray smells of tomato ketchup and chili sauce at the counters whenever they require."

Recently, McD has started cutting down the size of burger and quantity of cheese. While it was widely believed that the cut in the size was just to cut the cost and somehow increase the prices, McDonald's said that the decision was to restore the health of Indians.

"We don't want to make them obese by adding extra calories to our products. There was no such thing that we wanted to cut the costs," said Jatia.

Mc Waf-o-Thin veg variant will be priced at Rs149 while chicken will be cost at Rs169.

Jatia said "We have selected best quality of potato chips and added exclusive McD spices. In our non veg burger, chicken will herself become shy watching the slimness of her meat."

Jatia informed the India Satire correspondent that the specially designed product will have all the nutrients with very minimal calories.

"While maida flour bread will stop wasting time in bathroom, wafer thin burger and fragrances of cheese and butter will have zero calories," said Jatia.

Report: Raanjhanaa helped improve IQ level of audience by 20%

A substantial rise was witnessed in the IQ levels of audience that watched Raanjhanaa over the weekend, according to a special report by Bollywood Hungama. The report also said that the observed rise in the IQ levels was among intelligent and elite class while dumb masses saw drastic fall in their IQ.

"It is very intelligent movie and that we wanted to put on paper whether it really helps improve the intelligence of people," said Taran Adarsh, of Bollywood Hungama. According to Adarsh, IQ levels of classes increased by average 20% while masses which generally don't have intellect saw negative IQ.

The report said that small detailing like a five year kid falls in love shows a real essence of life.

"Wow that was wonderful. A 5 year old kid (estimated based on looks and body type of the kid) actually falls in love, how original it was! Even a Hollywood director would not be able to think in that way," said Sachin Awasthi, a movie watcher who only watches movies of intelligent directors like Maniratnam, Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Vishal Bharadwaj.

Awasthi said "Last time I saw such an original film was Matru Ki Bijlee Ka Mandola. It also had some original scenes like heroine bathing in river with different type of clothes rather than typical Ramsay kind Ghagra and Ch0li."

Another observation such as easy availability of CM's chair and a roadside political club makes CM vulnerable has actual social impact.

Another film critic and serial lover of brain storming movies, Pappu Oberoi said "That was truly amazing idea. I complete my college and join politics and within few years become Chief Minister. It really provides impetus for social reforms. Wow! Congress Party should learn from this on promoting young leaders to bigger posts. They have still not announced name of Rahul Gandhi as PM. I believe this movie is an eye opener for Congress. First, it doesn't require minimum IQ to become politician or even CM and second even a chaiwala can make CM vulnerable for her seat. That was the originality of the idea. I think now Rahul should be projected as PM of India."

Pappu also said that people like the original idea of cutting wrist and then making the girl friend fall in his love. However, he also told that masses could not link the entire thing to rest of the movie while intelligent public understood crux behind the event.

Taran Adarsh said that it is not like only IQ is improved but to watch such epic requires tons of intelligence and brain.

He said "Dumb masses would never understand such a kind of master piece. I know for Raanjhanaa the result is similar like another epic of the year Matru ki Bijlee ka Mandola."

Confirming Bollywood Hungama's claim, Pappu Pandey representing masses in India said "I am pissed off. WTF this movie was. I couldn't understand anything and now I am feeling like admitting to Agra Mental Hospital."

Rahul Gandhi to fly and carry rest of 10,000 survivors in Uttarakhand on his body and will drop them to their respective homes

Inspired by Superman flick 'Man of Steel' which he recently saw in Spanish holidays during his birthday, Rahul Gandhi decided to fly high in the sky and carry all rest of the survivors on his body.

"Rahul has already taken the list of survivors and their addresses. He will personally carry them on his back and shoulders and properly drop them to their homes," said Minister of State Broadcasting and Communication and part time spokesperson of Congress, Manish Tewari confirming that Rahul has super natural powers of flying and rescuing people from natural calamities.

Tewari told reporters that Rahul will take help of his unused power of flying and carrying loads of tons of weight on his shoulder.

"He has ability of people like Superman and Hanuman to carry many people on his shoulder and fly high in the skies," said Tewari.

Tewari recently refused to buy claims of Narendra Modi for making political noise on rescuing 15000 Gujaratis. He said that Rahul will not make such noise in the press and rather believes in direct action. Tewari also thrashed Media's acknowledgement of the micro management skills of Modi on rescuing efforts.

"We don't like to politicize what we do for people of India. Rahul himself is against of all these things. But still I want to tell you that yesterday when Baba arrived from Spain hold a meeting with all of us till 2 am. He told us that the way to carry people needs to be properly done. He said that 20% of people would rest on his shoulders and hands to keep the weight on his fans low. 30% on middle of his back and rest 50% on his back so that they all would seat comfortably and enjoy a free ride in the air. This is what the micro management is and not what the people like Modi is tom-tomming these days," said Tewari.

Foreign researchers to study Uttarakhand Chief Minister’s flood proof house

Indian Government has granted foreign researchers permission to conduct study on structure of calamity proof houses of Indian politicians and big shots, starting from Uttarakhand Chief Minister Vijay Bahuguna.

"India is a very safe country for politicians. No casualty of any politician or minister in natural or manmade calamities has been recorded till date and that is an enviable record," said official of home ministry Pankaj Saxena.

He said "We received many requests from foreigners who wanted to study the structure of houses of politicians and how they are made calamity proof so that they can use the idea to build residences at their own countries."

Saxena said "Look at Uttarakhand CM Vijay Bahuguna and his colleagues, all are safe despite the entire Uttarakhand was vanished due to flood. It really amazed foreigners and they wanted to include Bahuguna in their case study."

Recently, Uttarakhand saw a severe flood havoc of mass casualties and huge loss to wealth and lives.

"I feel that it is really a pride for every Indian that the country despite so much of natural calamities and terrorist attacks could easily preserve its biggest asset, its politician and that has been recorded by foreigners today. I am really pleased that they chose me to write a case study. I assure them of all the help to create safest and best houses for their countries," said Uttarakhand CM Bahuguna.

Study: 5 times more corruption is required to stop the slide of the rupee

A study of Indian Government reveals that it requires at least 5 times improvement in scams and corruption to suck excess liquidity of the rupee and help it to appreciate against dollar.

"We encourage maximum number of bureaucrats and ministers to increase scams and corruption so that Rupee slide will stop. India requires improving black money statistics such as black money man ratio and scams to minister ratio to suck the excess liquidity of Rupee from the economy," said India's Law Minister Kapil Sibal.

Sibal told India Satire correspondent that the situation was worsening as the dollar is flowing out of the economy while rupee is getting released into system putting pressure on the currency.

"Government is planning to liberalize norms for putting black money in the Swiss banks so that exodus of excess money will be easily possible. We have also prepared new draft black money privacy policies to help scamsters easily take away money from the system," said Sibal.

A study conducted by the government with the help of independent research agency reveals that if corruption increases by at least five times and that money put in the Swiss banks, the Rupee will appreciate by 5% helping the economy to recover fast.

"According to simple economic theory if you reduce the supply of commodity from the market, price of that commodity appreciates," said the study manager Neeraj Kumar.

Adding to new measures to improve the black money situation in India, Kapil Sibal said "Government is also thinking of measures like FDI in corruption and scams, which are most luring areas for the foreign investors."

West Bengal citizens decided not to vote Mamata Banerjee again as CM in next elections for her security

People of West Bengal finally decided to refuse voting to Trinamool Congress Party (TMC) in next elections to help Mamata Banerjee becoming Chief Minister of the state again. The decision came after Mamata told that along with a media house, Congress Party, Marxists and Maoists are planning to kill her.

"We don't want to lose the most dedicated and best leader of our state," said Kolkata resident Aniruddha Chatterjee. He said "She is so sweet and innocent, a real selfless creature. How can we lose her life by putting her on CM's post again? I have now decided that I will vote her in the next elections keeping in mind her security."

Many others have also decided that not to vote her or her party as it raises serious doubts of her security. They are willing to sacrifice their happiness of seeing her as a CM to her security.

"Rather than putting her life at stake in front of cruel Marxists and Maoists we will preserve her as a leader. We are happy to see her making speeches and really don't bother whether she is CM or not," said Pappu Bhattacharya, another West Bengal resident who doesn't want her life to be taken away by some sundry Maoist.

Showing her photo with wet eyes, Pappu finally said "I don't want to put mala on her photo. I will never vote for her again in my life (sob sob)."