A man's wife fine with the idea of staying in India even after Pathankot terror attack

A man's wife, Albert Einstein look alike Kiran Rao is fine with the idea of terrorists attacking India and killing people and said there was no need to leave the country for now, confirmed her husband Aamir Khan.

"She has issues with few things, else she is fine with the country," said Aamir Khan in an exclusive interview to Barkha Dutt "Killing soldiers by terrorists is not an act of intolerance, therefore she is fine with it."

Aamir Khan told Barkha Dutt that yesterday when the couple was having coffee in the night his wife, Kiran Rao confirmed that such kinds of attack were just as routine as they were in the time of Congress government and therefore they didn't offer reason to leave India.

Arvind Kejriwal thrashes Donald Trump; claims crony capitalists are communal people

Swati Gupta

Delhi: 09-December-2015

India's Yug Purush and last clean politician, Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal claimed his followers that crony capitalism and communalism are sisters and that has been proved by U.S. Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump. He advised all the Muslims and intellects to come to Delhi and he will provide free residence as well as free water and electricity.

"In my last birth when I was mentoring Martin (Martin Luther King), I told him that U.S. is moving towards crony capitalism and it means it is becoming a highly communal country. That time he denied anything like that is happening in U.S. and thrashed my vision as just a stupid prediction. But now wherever he would be, he would accept his mistake. Today Donald Trump proved me right and therefore he also proves me right for supporting to Laloo in Bihar," Arvind Kejriwal told India Satire correspondent Swati in an exclusive chat.

​Kejriwal confirmed that his fight is not against dual enemies of crony capitalism and communalism but a single one and that is crocaco. He worried about the minority in U.S. and is ready to discuss a formula to rehabilitate them.

He told correspondent "Delhi dill se bhari hai. We invited Ghulam Ali after Shiv Sena's ban on his concert in Mumbai. Same way we invite all the muslims, seculars and intellects to Delhi. Their population may be whatever but we have place for them in our hearts. We will sleep on roads and footpaths but we will give them our shelters. I request all middle class people of Delhi to sacrifice their houses for these refugees from U.S. I have a formula for them all of seculars who want to go to U.S. should come to Delhi on even days we will give every alternative house/flat/bungalow of Delhite to them."

When the correspondent asked him whether he wants to nominate for as a U.S. Presidential candidate in the next elections, Kejriwal cleared the air. He said "Meri koi aukat nee hai. Mein sirf aam aadmi hu. Apne bachchok is sir ki kasam khaata hu, I am not interested in becoming President of U.S. Ha jaate jaate, ek hi baat kehena chahta hu. I have Swiss Bank A/c No. of Donald Trump and I will disclose it soon, may be on some odd day."

(All inputs reported by our special correspondent Swati Gupta from Delhi)

Rahul Gandhi worries about brainwashing of Donald Duck; blames Narendra Modi's frequent visits to US

Swati Gupta

Delhi: 09-December-2015

In a sneering attack on the BJP government, Rahul Gandhi asks explanation from Prime Minister Narendra Modi over rising intolerance in U.S. The Congress Vice President and scion of Gandhi family, Rahul Baba claimed that frequent visits of Narendra Modi stimulated environment of America and affected percipience of his favourite cartoon characters.

"Hon. Speaker, today my favourite cartoon character and childhood friend Donald Duck (according to party sources he was referring to Donald Trump) asked White House to ban Muslims from entering into U.S. How did this happen? Who is responsible for the change in secular virtues of Donald bhai? Is it a planned conspiracy to pollute the environment of U.S. just like it did in India? I want to ask Mr. Modi why he needs to go to U.S. again and again. Is there some specific objective to do that? Hon. Speaker, today Donald bhai left his secular virtues tomorrow Micky Mouse will take same decision. I am pretty sure that it was Mr. Modi who frequently visits U.S. influenced his wisdom. Hon. Speaker, I request a special session of Parliament to discuss rising atrocities and brain washing of my favourite characters from the right wing terror ideologies of India like Yogiji and Sadhvijis. I also believe that increasing visits of Prime Minister to U.S. would have polluted the environment of that country and he should be kept away from Disney Land," said Rahul Gandhi, addressing the Parliament of India.

Rahul Baba also claimed that all his favourite cartoon characters need special security not just in India or U.S. but also all over the world from the right wing terror lobby.

"I asked my uncle Doraemon (here its Diggy Chacha, or Congress Senior Leader Digvijay Singh who also mentored Rahul since his child hood, according to sources) to create a gadget which will bring my favorite Donald Duck to his senses," Rahul confide in an exclusive chat with India Satire correspondent Swati Gupta outside the Parliament.

(All inputs reported by our special correspondent Swati Gupta from Delhi) 

Breaking News: Aamir Khan's wife asks him not to visit intolerant USA; Shahrukh Khan decides not to release Dilwale in US

Reacting to Donald Trump's urge For 'Complete Shutdown Of Muslims Entering United States', Bollywood actor Aamir Khan's wife Kiran Rao asked him to not to visit America, Aamir Khan told at a conference 'Intolerance in India and Growing Hypocrisy of Intellectuals'.

"I think my wife is not that hypocrite. She also looks like Albert Einstein. She wants me to return the nomination of Lagaan and pledge not to go to US ever in my life," said Aamir Khan, reacting to Donald Trump's hateful comment "US is becoming intolerant day-by-day and therefore I am also going to return all the money received from US audience for watching Dhoom 3."

Aamir Khan told India Satire correspondent post speech at conference that he would be going to PK's planet next year after earning buckets of money from Dangal.

Another popular star, Shahrukh Khan in the conference said "I am not going to release my next movie 'Dilwale' to protest against growing intolerance in America."

According to media sources, thousands Americans sent their thank you messages to Shahrukh Khan for not releasing his movie 'Dilwale'.

Government asks ministers to cover their mouths by Made in India sticky tapes

BJP led NDA Government has made it mandatory for its central and state ministers to cover their mouths by sticky tapes. A gazetted circular has released yesterday after Parliamentary session saying that all ministers in the Union Government and all ministers in the State Governments led by BJP would have to wear strings to cover their mouths. The government's initiative is coincided with Maharashtra Rural Development minister Pankaja Munde's opinion that justifies ban on women offering prayers inside Shani temple in Maharashtra.

"To all stakeholders (Union Ministers and Ministers of BJP led State Governments) except Prime Minister of India, the Union Government of India makes it mandatory from tomorrow afternoon 12.00 PM to cover your mouths by sticky tapes made in India. This initiative would have two benefits, one promotion of make in India campaign and second shutting mouth of all of you guys so that you will stop talking nonsense which you are doing time to time despite all the warnings issued from Prime Minister's Office (PMO) since the government came to power," said the press release.

According government sources, the initiative is under 'Shut The Fucking Mouth' campaign initiated closely monitored by PMO to reduce rhetoric of intolerance brigade. The source told India Satire correspondent that even if ministers, MLAs and MPs continue to talk nonsense then PMO advocates stitching their mouths using make in India thread.

Mallikarjun Kharge sheds some blood from his potty

After threatening ruling party BJP of bloodshed if constitution goes through changes, senior Congress Party leader Mallikarjun Kharge shed some blood from his potty, according to his sweeper.

"Saab ke potty me se rakhtpaat hua," one of the 62 sweepers of Kharge's Delhi house said "Mein subah subah jab pot dhone gaya tab maine rakht (khoon in Hindi and blood in English) dekha tha."

According to Kharge's doctors, Kharge me shed more blood but gradually during the period of BJP rule.

"Many Congress leaders don't have habit to sit on the chairs of opposition. It really nauseates their intestines and bowel regulatory system. Kharge and other Congress Party leaders would not see immediate relief from this disintegrated bowel management system and therefore they would witness slow release of blood till they come back to the chairs of ruling party," said Dr Anand Sharma, an expert in the bowel management system due to change in the seats and change in the bosses.

Dr Sharma also handles stomachs of many media journalists who face the serious bowel damage if the ruling party changes.

"Media journalists like Rajdeep, Barkha and Sagarika are going through my medication. Rajdeep Sardesai has gastric trouble. Sometimes he witnesses gas is stuck up for days while sometimes it automatically goes on releasing for days. Barkha Dutt became serious patient of constipation since BJP came to power and Sagarika vomits every 10-15 minutes," said Dr Sharma "I think by 2019 if Congress doesn't come to power these people would see real bad health."

With controversial statement, Aamir Khan formally revealed his step by step promotional strategy for Dangal

Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan on Monday confirmed that joining the rising chorus against growing "intolerance" and publicly uttering his wife Kiran Rao's suggestion to leave the country is actually a promotional activity before releasing his film. He told India Satire correspondent that he will go step by step to ensure that Dangal will be damn hit on the box office. He exclusively revealed all the steps he considers before releasing any movie.

Aamir Khan

 

"Guys, I am happy that I am here on India Satire to tell you about the successful marketing and promotional strategies to ensure any of my crap movies will succeed on the box office. You guys must have seen my third grade movies like Dhoom 3 and PK but you must have also seen that they are the most successful movies on the box office. So by revealing the strategies of marketing Dangal, I also reveal how to successfully market the crap and third class movies.

Step 1: Always make sure that every step, like from going to toilet or bathroom in the morning, to eating, sleeping, meeting other people and everything even yawning, burping, farting all should be in juxtaposition with the upcoming movie. See it's related to money boss, if you make billions of rupees then even if you shit that shit should be crying for money whenever it releases your tummy. I only think about money and the box office success of my movies easily comes thereafter. Even for that matter, my **** with ex-*** and putting my **** into mental hospital were real promotional ideas.

Step 2: Do anything that will help you garner public attention. So put yourself involved in Narmada Bachao Aandolan before Fanaa so that your fans who hate Narendra Modi would want to see that crap movie. Keep a big moustache to promote your third rated movie 'Mangal Pandey'. I will continue to stay 100kg of weight till the release of Dangal.

Step 3: Make some controversial statement to gain attention. Like this time it's 'Intolerance in India'. So it will allow me to promote both my tv program 'Satyamev Jayate' and movie 'Dangal'. Forget 'Incredible India' campaign, I am not going to get a single penny from it.

Step 4: Release some negativity filled program like Satyamev Jayate to show you are a heart filled person for society. I can also artificially shed some tears for no reason which I have learnt in my child hood. If you closely look at my programs they either try to weigh on political changes or before release of my movie. For example, previous year Satyamev Jayate was released twice, one before election (don't want to tell why before elections or is it because Modi and BJP) and one before release of PK. This year there was no benefit in releasing Satyamev Jayate as there is no political event lined up or no movie is going to be released. But next year I would require to release it and therefore my marketing for Satyamev Jayate, now and Dangal later has begun.

Hope you guys have understood my promotional activities.

In short, the following are the steps for successful box office releases

Step 1: Lock your ass to money making ideas

Step 2: Do anything to gain public attention

Step 3: Comment crap but controversial on social issues

Step 4: Release some third rated program before movie release"

Pk 2 will be based on moving out of "ee gola to dusra gola" - Aamir Khan

Popular Bollywood film actor Aamir Khan confirmed that his statement that his wife wanted to move out of India is actually a promotion for his next movie PK2. He told India Satire correspondent that he would not move out of India but from the earth itself.

"Hum ee gola me se nikal ke uu gola ma jaayenge," entered in a character of PK, Aamir indicated to some planet in the evening "Hamaar wife Kiranwa batiya rahi thi ki uu ka mobies ka balue sirf aur sirf uu gola ma hai. Humka bhi laagat rahi ki ee golama abai kaafi kam log paagal rahai jo humka Dhoom 3 dekhai sakat hai. Uu gola ma jyaada kamaai hot rahi. Hum uu PK 2 ma Kiranwa ko leyi rahe hai aur uu ka leke dusra gola ma entry mare rahe hai."

Special Note: Anushka Sharma's make-up in PK was similar to Kiran Rao due to Aamir's fascination of carrying his wife everywhere.

In another statement, Aamir Khan told India Satire correspondent that he would like to loosen some burden of intolerant people on India and therefore he decided to picturize this PK 2 in some other country and finally after releasing the movie he will move to some other planet to release some burden on earth.

Anish Kapoor is a chemically proven weapon to eliminate talibanism from world - Study

A medical study jointly conducted by US and European Institute of Medical Research recommends a chemical weapon with Alpha Omega Beta (AOB) element that only finds in intellectuals where brain only functions to reserve AOB and supplies it to hair while thought process comes from the knee area and for few from their asses. This AOB has tremendous capacity to eliminate talibanism from the world. The study says that the AOB element exceeds the maximal limit in UK based sculptor Anish Kapoor's brain and if used properly against Taliban, he would be very effective. Anish Kapoor recently wrote an article in Guardian about Talibani leadership in India.

"Rather than discussing about Taliban why don't we try to eliminate it from the world? Anish Kapoor has tremendous amount of AOB element in his brain. If we don't use this AOB element properly, the brain uses it for cultivating grey hair on the head. Rather than keeping him wealthy with hair we can take out a lot of AOB element to eliminate talibanism. He could be used as a great chemical weapon. We can inject him into missiles and fire them on the targets of Taliban," said study which advised US and British government to consider putting think tank Anish Kapoor into missiles.

"He could be used as many times as he has hair on his head. AOB is available in human brains only and there is no other natural source. We have never found so much of natural AOB chemical which is planted in Anish Kapoor in any journalist or intellects in the world, not even in Rajdeep Sardesai, Barkha Dutt or any Indian intellectual," confirms study.

Research: Rajdeep Sardesai changes his face expressions by 180 degrees while interviewing Anupam Kher and Naseeruddin Shah

Rajdeep's face expressions 'Contest mark with Anupam Kher and Question mark with Naseeruddin Shah'

An independend research conducted by AC Nielsen shows that Rajdeep Sardesai amazingly changes his expressions by 180 degrees while interviewing bollywood stars Anupam Kher and Naseeruddin Shah on the topic of intolerance in India.

Rajdeep Sardesai interviewing Anupam Kher

"While asking questions to Anupam Kher, Rajdeep's face expressions where like he wanted to ask questions and wanted to give answers himself. However, when he was interviewing Naseerji, Rajdeep just wanted to ask what he wanted Nasseruddin Shah to answer. Totally unbiased and although subtly different. Means you can't identify a single iota of difference in his expressions, still a lot of difference," said Vijay Gupta of AC Nielsen, who conducted the research.

Rajdeep Sardesai interviewing Naseeruddin Shah

According to Gupta, Rajdeep's eyes expressed contest mark against Anupam Kher and question mark in front of Naseeruddin Shah.

"Both the expressions are difficult to give but Rajdeep and all the media anchors of NDTV, Aaj Tak and ABP News are mastered those expressions," said Gupta "It is difficult for any normal person to change face expressions by 180degree. However, when media anchors interview Narendra Modi or Raj Thackeray kind of people then it becomes difficult for them to take a 180 degree turn."

According to a source in India Today TV Channel, Rajdeep Sardesai cried for half an hour when Naseeruddin Shah said that his name was Naseeruddin Shah and therefore he was getting such a kind of threats. However, final video was edited on the television and You Tube.

(Satire and Fake News)

Entire film fraternity returns all the awards for allowing 'Prem Ratan Dhan Payo' release; citing overdose of Hindu nationalism

Overdose of Hinduism in Prem Ratan Dhan Payo

Entire Indian film fraternity, mostly promoters of secularism and tolerance announced returning all the Filmfare and National awards, protesting the decision of Censor Board for allowing Prem Ratan Dhan Payo's (PRDP's) release in Diwali this year. According to media sources, many film makers and actors infuriated because of a lot of Hindu cultural coverage in the movie which would probably hurt sentiments of minorities for making them isolated and feel dejected.

"This movie has a full of communal contents for 3 hours like marriage process in Hindu religion, appeasement of Hindu Gods and a lot of promotion of Hindu ideology. Everything is Hindu while other religions are totally ignored. The movie neither carries a message of cultural shift from Hinduism to other minority religions nor a message to Indians to be tolerant on Pakistan policy in the entire film. Our Indian culture believes in tolerance and love but the movie promotes Hindu nationalism and RSS ideologues and therefore we decided to return awards," said a press release issued by the Movie Makers And Actors Grid.

The list includes a lot of big named movie film makers and actors.

In an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent, movie director Farah Khan said "I am also going to return my Oscar Award that I received for making Tees Maar Khan."

Sensex and Nifty to give up their rallies in protest of rising intolerance in India; GDP and Fiscal Deficit thinking on the similar lines

India's leading benchmark indices Sensex and Nifty decided to return their rallies started after the announcement of Narendra Modi as Prime Ministerial candidate of India. Both the indices told India Satire correspondent that they will return to September 13 levels when BJP officially announced Mr. Modi as PM candidate.

"We also want to contribute to award waapsi movement. Now that we are up by more than 35% since the announcement, we decided to give up all the returns and decline to pre announcement levels. We can't bear the rising intolerance in India and therefore we appeal all the key participants traded in us should return their price gains," an official release by Sensex and Nifty released today.

Sensex and Nifty were at 19733 and 5851 levels respectively when announcement of Narendra Modi as PM candidate came. According to a source in Central Statistical Organisation (CSO), India's GDP and fiscal deficit along with other indicators are also thinking on the similar lines.

HUL launches 'anti intolerance cream'

Indian FMCG major, Hindustan Unilever Ltd. (HUL) has launched anti intolerance cream 'Fair and Tolerant Crème' for intellectuals and seculars in India. The product will reduce intolerance levels in India and will be marketed among the affected people of society which include movie stars, film producers, authors, scientists, and intellectuals. All the affected sections of society welcome the cream.

"Our anti intolerance crème 'Fair and Tolerant Crème' will help reduce the rising levels of intolerance that were constantly affecting several parts of brain of a large sections of society. The product currently launched only in Mumbai, Delhi and Bangalore at Rs 12,999 per 10gm and will be available across India in next 2-3 months," said HUL spokesperson in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

The spokesperson continued "The crème could be used on the parts of brain. For that the affected person and his family member needs to open his skull and personally reach out or ask any family member to apply that crème to the painful marks and scratches on brain. It is a very simple process."

​To demonstrate how the cream works, the spokesperson opened a blue-colored laser pen and floated it around the replica of brain in which the India Satire correspondent could clearly see many germs of intolerance. The spokesperson then applied some 'Fair and Tolerant Crème' on the affected parts and his laser pen showed significant reduction in germs by 99%.

"This is a big revolution in the century. Nobody now will need to return his award," said spokesperson.

A section of society, which contributed to independent 'award waapsi' movement welcomed HUL's product.

"HUL has taken a great step today. We witnessed many scratches on our brains and minds due to rising intolerance in the society. Now that the crème is launched, I can't wait to rub it on my brain and reduce the levels intolerance," said popular movie director Dibakar Banerjee. He also demanded government to return his award which he had returned under award waapsi program to protest against Government's intolerant stand in FTII.

Many other movie stars, authors and scientists confirmed that they will also use the cream to get matters fixed. When asked about pricing of the product, all of them confirmed that the cream is available at very inexpensive price and the company should be in a position to push adequate inventory to affected people. However, when the correspondent asked them about pricing of the product for people who actually are affected due to intolerance and not intellectually affected like them, one of the intellectuals said "That's government's responsibility to check how it reduce pain of affected section. They need cream and not crème at reasonable prices or may be free of cost. My responsibility is to check my own head which was pained due to Dadri Lynching and needs to heal it properly at whatever price."