God asks Kanhaiya Kumar to solve Somalian issues first then start new ones

​Watching his credibility and role of launching a new freedom movement for something in India, God personally sent his representative to Kanhaiya Kumar asking him to go to Somalia and resolve its pending issues first. The Somali Republic or Somalia is a war torned country in Africa is under dire conditions since the civil war erupt in 1991. God pushed for earliest resolution of Somali war which started from the freedom movement by overthrowing Siad Barre regime.

"These guys always start new kind of nuisance in some fancy name like 'freedom movement', 'revolution', 'rebel' and so on so forth. After starting these useless things they move some other places," said God's Head Clerk Chitragupta who personally came to meet Kanhaiya Kumar, a new star born in India "What star or new star? First tell him to finish the backlog of earlier freedom movements started in Somalia, Egypt, Syria, Lybia, Lebanon and Iraq. How the hell he could start a new movement before finishing off the earlier ones."

Chitragupta informed India Satire correspondent that reason behind Kanhaiya's work on Africa is not grabbing PhD but starting RcD. Enlightening about the new word RcD, Chitragupta said it's Revolution-cum-Destruction of the country.

"These communist mentalities want freedom from everything. Just 2 days back they protested in the heaven for 'freedom from potty'. I want to tell him ki kyo dimaag chaat raha hai yaar," said Chitragupta.

According to sources, during the meeting Kanhaiya Kumar completely denied that he ever heard such a thing called Chitragupta or God and told the representative of God that he is on mission to free world with one country at a time.

"Its not my job to resolve issues. My job is to start new issues. When everybody will become revolutionary, communist and maoist then I will believe that the world is free now," Kanhaiya told Chitragupta.

Narendra Modi throws remainder of water of Bhagwant Mann's glass into dustbin; Congress, AAP slams his inhumanity

Congress Party slammed Prime Minister Narendra Modi for throwing out left over water of the glass he offered to Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) MP Bhagwant Mann into dustbin. The party leader Sonia Gandhi claimed it as a seriously inhuman action and asked Modi to apologise. Aam Aadmi Party leader Arvind Kejriwal asked a nationwide protest against the government.

"It was inhuman. This way Mr. Modi has proved that he has no feelings for opposition leaders. I can only say we are in a state of emergency and intolerant government is operating in India," said Ms Gandhi.

When asked about Modi's gesture of offering the water to Mann, she said "That was okay, everybody does that. But throwing water in front of him whom you offered it just now is seriously inhuman and Mr. Modi has set a bad precedent."

Yesterday, PM Modi offered a glass of water to Bhagwant Mann, AAP's Member of Parliament in the Lok Sabha, who was protesting against the CBI raids on the Delhi Secretariat. Mann, who was shouting slogans, felt uneasy and was apparently looking for water when a smiling Modi offered the MP his own glass. Mann accepted the glass of water readily and gave it back to Modi after some water left over in it. Modi took the glass back and threw water into dustbin immediately before settling that glass on his desk again.

"Modi just now proved what I said earlier in my Twitter account," said Arvind Kejriwal "I call the nationwide protests for this act of intolerance."

Main stream media is also expected to take up the incident in today's news debate shows and many prominent Indian ideologies are expected to return their awards.

Twits of prominent personalities on Narendra Modi's act

Rajdeep Sardesai: If I was in his place, I would have drank it before saying Gnight

Sagarika Ghose: Internet Hindus, apologize me for being indifferent to me

Barkha Dutt: Is there a conspiracy against Indian minorities?

Lollypop to close Arvind Kejriwal's mouth is yet to be invented - Sources

Sources confirmed that a lollypop that could keep Aam Aadmi Party Chief and Chief Minister of Delhi Arvind Kejriwal's tongue busy is yet to be invented. Sources said that the invention work of the lollypop was earlier outsourced outside India but now under make in India plan will be transferred to Indian companies. However, the process will take some time and it would be difficult for Indians to get a relief from his tongue.

"His tongue is a bit sloppy and slips every now and then," said the source "It is not the problem of his village roots as he told you guys but some weird chemical reactions directed from his tummy which is filled with few mysterious and crappy worms. His tongue whacks each and every time whenever the worms crawl in his large area of stomach. Since, Krrish Mehra's father scientist Rohit Mehra was killed by Kaal, nobody else was capable of working on the formula of this lollypop."

Lab testing report concluded that Kejriwal's tongue is more dangerous and difficult to manage compared to India's first Manvar, Kaya.

"It is more slippery than Kaya's tongue," said the Lab Manager, Rajendra Kumar.

The source told correspondent that worms in his stomach became stronger after he completed his first yoga schedule and rather than his throat they started targeting his tongue. The source confirmed that it would be very difficult to get rid of his tongue in a near term.

Sanjay Dutt first one to congratulate Salman Khan; hires Advocate Harish Salve to get parole immediately

Swati Gupta

Mumbai - December 10, 2015

Our sources got to know that Sanjay Dutt (Sanju baba) was the first one to congratulate Salman Khan (Sallu Bhai) for getting clean chit from high court, for the hit n run case. Sanju baba also pulled leg  of Sallu bhai for not disclosing details of his knight in shining armor during Sanju baba's case. Nonetheless, better late than never, he asks for Harish Salve's no. so that he can ask him to get his parole till the end of his punishment term showing his eagerness to leave jail immediately rather than waiting till March 2016 when he completes his term. Incidentally, Harish Salve, who according to our sources charged Sallu  on a per minute basis has started charging on a per second basis.

Sanju baba also gossip with Sallu that how silly Shahrukh and Aamir are. They don't understand the enormous benefit of being in India.

(Reported by our correspondent Swati Gupta)