Africa is begging Kanhaiya Kumar to first complete his research work - Report

Report from our African correspondent suggests that African countries are badly demanding JNUSU President Kanhaiya Kumar to complete his PhD on Africa and then start other things. The countries which include its people and politicians are all desperate to see Kanhaiya in Convocation suite holding a beautiful Certificate of Doctoral in his hand.

"They are eager to call Kanhaiya a Dr Kanhaiya Lal," said India Satire correspondent Tagdumba Thombu "But this guy is going into the topics which are nonexistent in the nature for any African countries. Africans are losing their hopes on him, before showering him as a dharti ka lal who grabbed PhD on Africa. But he wants to do something India. The Africans now started thinking that he wanted easy PhD without doing any studies."

According to the correspondent, African delegates have sent a request to meet PM Narendra Modi, pushing for some real pressure on Kanhaiya to start studying, at least now.

God asks Kanhaiya Kumar to solve Somalian issues first then start new ones

​Watching his credibility and role of launching a new freedom movement for something in India, God personally sent his representative to Kanhaiya Kumar asking him to go to Somalia and resolve its pending issues first. The Somali Republic or Somalia is a war torned country in Africa is under dire conditions since the civil war erupt in 1991. God pushed for earliest resolution of Somali war which started from the freedom movement by overthrowing Siad Barre regime.

"These guys always start new kind of nuisance in some fancy name like 'freedom movement', 'revolution', 'rebel' and so on so forth. After starting these useless things they move some other places," said God's Head Clerk Chitragupta who personally came to meet Kanhaiya Kumar, a new star born in India "What star or new star? First tell him to finish the backlog of earlier freedom movements started in Somalia, Egypt, Syria, Lybia, Lebanon and Iraq. How the hell he could start a new movement before finishing off the earlier ones."

Chitragupta informed India Satire correspondent that reason behind Kanhaiya's work on Africa is not grabbing PhD but starting RcD. Enlightening about the new word RcD, Chitragupta said it's Revolution-cum-Destruction of the country.

"These communist mentalities want freedom from everything. Just 2 days back they protested in the heaven for 'freedom from potty'. I want to tell him ki kyo dimaag chaat raha hai yaar," said Chitragupta.

According to sources, during the meeting Kanhaiya Kumar completely denied that he ever heard such a thing called Chitragupta or God and told the representative of God that he is on mission to free world with one country at a time.

"Its not my job to resolve issues. My job is to start new issues. When everybody will become revolutionary, communist and maoist then I will believe that the world is free now," Kanhaiya told Chitragupta.

Book Review: Kanhaiya Kumar's autobiography "Pee Pee ke Piss daala"

How does a Rs 3000 penalty on exercising right to pee anywhere and adequately punishing a girl who teaches the lessons of clean India movement can turn into a real red revolution is the story of new book released by Kanhaiya Kumar. "Pee Pee ke Piss daala" is an autobiography of Jawaharlal Nehru University student and President of JNUSU, Kanhaiya Kumar who also initiated a new revolution in the country with demand for basic rights. This book is a real revenge saga of Kanhaiya who represents people who likes to pee or spit anywhere they want.

The book starts with first chapter "Maza aata hai". The chapter gives an insight of Kanhaiya's childhood, his friends and their liberal life of hovering anywhere on the earth. "I loved the way we use to clean the earth by our pee and spit," said Kanhaiya Kumar "Seeds of becoming liberal red had sown in my childhood only."

​However, his life took a new turn with the second chapter "Ye bedard aur badnam duniya". After his childhood, Kanhaiya realised that the childhood dreams and its liberty never matches in young life. "You never get chances of right to pee on wall, create design or at least clean your mother earth," said Kanhaiya "Ye bedard dunia only stops you from doing such thing." This chapter is a real grim story of Kanhaiya's life. When I read this chapter I was just waiting when it would be finished, such a sadness in it. At one point in the book Kanhaiya said "I never thought that for days I would not pee at all. There are toilets here, there are toilets there but no open place and when I saw an open place and just wanted to design it by using the creativity of my tool, some girl came to me and asked to stop. The hell my destiny wanted to revenge me. I simply asked her let me do that when JNU boss asked me to pay Rs 3000," said Kanhaiya. This chapter makes you cry for hours.

Finally things start turning around and the third chapter starts "Uth khada hua". Emotional and disturbed Kanhaiya started searching for the goal of life when a great philosopher asked him to protest for right to pee. "As it is you are doing something nonsense called Phd on African lifestyle. Why don't you bring that lifestyle to India? Fight for that culture where nobody would slap you a penalty for releasing one of your body thing in outside. This government is insane, even I had to stop spitting my gutkha on the street because of its demonous policy called 'Clean India Movement'," tells the philosopher to Kanhaiya at one part of the story where Kanhaiya's biceps start turning up his hands start shievering and whole body dances on the tune of new goal. This chapter turns out to be a real motivationa story for the readers. I read it at least 40 times in just a span of day.

In a fourth chapter "Kutte ke liye khamba, hamare liye kya" shows how the revenge starts and ends. This chapter has become somebit of boring thing as besides interesting goal of right to pee, revenge stories about other nusances like Afzal Guru and Kashmir liberals move your focus to out-of-the-context things. The story shows the trajectory how Kanhaiya from a disturbed student becomes revolutionary one with getting blessings from the likes of Barkha Dutt and Rajdeep Sardesai. Finally after one girl disclosing how the entire revenge saga was built up on the incident when she stopped Kanhaiya from peeing, the deprived section who wants freedom of peeing anywhere in the world gets their voice heard in India.

Review: The book is great one to read on your spare time. But you have to keep hankies with you to wipe out tears. The way government's draconian policy like Clean India suppresses a section of people was very well discussed by Kanhaiya. In the last chapter, although he move out of the context to touch few third grade people such as Kashmir freedom fighters and Afzal Guru makes you a little bit boring but finally when the real issue props up you get satisfaction to read on some different problem and finally you say like chapter one "Mazaa aata hai."

Kanhaiya Kumar launches a new slogan - Freedom to Pee everywhere

​After the letter from ex-student of JNU, Kanhaiya Kumar confirmed that he wants azaadi from urinal (freedom to pee) only in toilets. "I want to pee wherever I want," said Kanhaiya Kumar.

Kanhaiya Kumar's childhood photo of exercising right to pee anywhere released

Kanhaiya's friend Pappu has given his childhood photo when he exercised his right to pee on a wall.

Afzal Guru hanging disappears from Kanhaiya Kumar's brain like gadhe ke sir pe se sing - Report

A media report suggests that Afzal Guru hanging has left India's newest hero Kanhaiya's head like gadhe ke sir pe se sing or Jan Lokpal from the brain of Arvind Kejriwal. The report points out an empirical evidence of donkey to both the cases, Arvind Kejriwal-Jan Lokpal and Kanhaiya Kumar-Afzal Guru.

"It happened way back 50000 years ago when one of the donkeys lost his horns (sing in English) for doing something. Similarly, the scathing topics such as Jan Lokpal and Afzal Guru disappeared from the heads of Arvind Kejriwal and Kanhaiya Kumar respectively for reasons known to them," said the report.

P.S.: GOVERNMENT HAS ALSO ADDED ITS OWN NAME BY LETTING VIJAY MALLYA GO OUT OF THE COUNTRY

Breaking News: Kanhaiya Kumar suffers constipation

India's newest hero and revolutionary Kanhaiya Kumar is suffering from constipation since yesterday night, according to a journalist of NDTV.

"He ate something utter shutter yesterday night at Singh is King Dhaba in Delhi and since then he is suffering bad constipation," said the NDTV reporter who was left by the TV channel's top journalist Barkha Dutt at Kanhaiya's room to give the newest born hero personal care and affection.

The reporter said that prima facie it looked like government's conspiracy in the nexus of Dhabewala who put something constipatory in that food to disturb the idea of food azaadi. The reporter confirmed to NDTV that keeping Kanhaiya busy trying for potty would stop him raking the logic of Afzal's azaadi.

"Since early morning he was visiting toilet but in spite of trying hard, moaning loudly and pushing insanely potty is not allowing itself to come out," informed the reporter in a small chat with NDTV anchor Sreenivasan Jain "His left bum wants some azaadi from the constipation."

The reporter also confirmed that JNUSU students started shouting slogans such as "Kanhaiya maange azaadi. Kanhaiya maange constipation se azaadi."

According to sources, Barkha Dutt immediately in the morning left to Kanhaiya's campus to help him recover from the situation.

"She will provide her sentimental support, caring and motherly love which will boost his inner instincts in fighting the constipatory problem," confirmed reporter.

(Fake News)

Kanhaiya Kumar's stool analysis suggests removal of all anti national germs, now its just gas - Delhi Police

Reacting to Kanhaiya Kumar's high tempered speech, Delhi Police said that all the 100% of anti national germs from Kanhaiya's body have been removed and now whatever he is releasing from his mouth is just gas.

"We have done all kinds of stool analyses of Kanhaiya and it's now confirmed that all the leftists, maoists and anti national remaani kidas (germs) have been removed. He has gone through all kinds of cleansing treatment, by drooping, lying down, seating him down and standing up. After many efforts by our expert doctors, finally all the germs have been removed. However, still some gas remains and whatever he is talking JNU is just releasing his gas. Now he will never talk something anti national nor he will support any anti national and also will not arrange any rally that will put some anti national sloagans," said Delhi Police Commissioner Bhim Sain Bassi.

Bassi also confirmed that whatever he told in his speech was totally unrelated to his jail.

Loss of strength in the voice of freedom - Analysis of Kanhaiya's speech

·         I have many differences with the PM but I agree with his tweet Satyameva Jayate because these words are in our Constitution

·         We are not seeking 'azaadi'(freedom) from India. We want 'azaadi' within India

·         There is no animosity towards ABVP because we are democratic. We see them as our opposition

·         We truly believe in democracy and Constitution. We don't look at the ABVP as an enemy, we look at them like the Opposition

·         Let me just say it is not easy to get admission in JNU neither it is easy to silence those in JNU

·         This attack is to delegitimize the UGC protests, to prevent justice to Rohith Vemula (the dalit scholar in Hyderabad who committed suicide? – Few germs still remained in media's ass hole)

·         Is seeking freedom from thorny issues confronting India a crime?

"Now I feel very light as I released all the stuck up gases from my tummy," said Kanhaiya after finishing his speech.

Pakistan sets up an enquiry commission to know who the hell in this world could support it

​After a non stop support from various universities of India, where few students ranting 'Pakistan Zindabad' chants, positively surprised Pakistani administration decided to check what conspiracy is behind it.

"We are fucked all over the world. We are all abused and insulted all over the world including by Somalia, Congo and even worms in the gutter. However, we are surprised that few students in India support us and our activities in the neighbor country," said Pakistan´s High Commissioner to India Abdul Basit "I haven't ever heard anybody gave any respect to me or our army chief or even our Prime Minister. Even last month when Janaab Nawaz Sharif was in US, Obama asked him to clean the floor which was dirty since he visited last year. In this scenario, if somebody is chanting our name with so much solidarity, support and love then we have to understand what is all behind it?"

Abdul Basit told India Satire correspondent that Pakistan's PM himself would go deep into enquiry and if finds nothing then would ask Indian government to provide Pakistan's study material and their level of intelligence to these supportive students of these supportive universities.