India invites Pakistan's JIT again to prove Pathankot attack was not 'stage managed'

After the news report in Pakistan daily 'Pakistan Today' quoted an unnamed JIT member as saying that the attack was nothing but "vicious propaganda" against Pakistan as Indian authorities did not have any evidence to back their claims, Indian government invited the same JIT members to India to allow it to prove that the attack was not stage managed and the government is innocent.

"We are humble cows. We never conspire," said an official of PMO India "We invite them again to probe our intentions and if anything wrong they find we will surrender to them."

The official confirmed that Indian establishment will fully cooperate with them again and would help in probing itself.

"PM Narendra Modi will personally go to Pakistan and will request the JIT to come to India and investigate us," said the official.

PM Narendra Modi requests 4G girl to promote Swachch Bharat Abhiyaan

​After a flourishing success of 4G network in India, Bharti Airtel's 4G girl has received a second assignment and that too from India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi. PM Modi confirmed in his official interview with India Satire correspondent at Brussels and before leaving to Washington that he saw 4G girl's recent advertisements and astonished to see uninterrupted 4G networks on mountains, air and under water.

"It was all 4G girl's relentless work on spreading the network awareness across India. You may not get Airtel's 2G or 3G network at your home even if you live in Mumbai or Delhi but your phone will definitely receive 4G network in Ladakh or Igatpuri. She has also lifted my dream of digital India to next level. Today even a person doing potty in open air feels pride of having 4G mobile phone. This is India growth story and this is the success of my digital India campaign as well as that 4G girl. However, we also need to think about that person who is doing potty in open air or spitting on the railway platform and everywhere in India except in his own house or hurting India's image throwing garbage anywhere. Despite all my efforts this man is not stopping and therefore I decided to appoint 4G girl to educate him about cleanliness. She will go to every Indian who is doing potty/urination in open air toilets and bathrooms or spitting on every public place and throwing garbage all over and will tell him to stop."

An official from PMO confirmed that the notification appointing the 4G girl for the post has been released in the morning. When India Satire correspondent contacted 4G girl, Sasha Chettri asking about PM's request for her to join Clean India Movement, she said "Whatever!"

Everything you should know about Uttarakhand crisis and President’s Rule

​Following is the guide which gives a detailed glimpse of Uttarakhand crisis and President's rule imposed by Central Government.

What was the issue all about?

·         9 Congress Party MLAs of Uttarkhand wanted to go on sabbatical to show their wives a new world, which ex-Chief Minister didn't grant. Giving the reason that his intolerable hair oil constantly freeze their noses, they removed the support of the government.

·         When asked about giving them sabbatical, Harish Rawat said "What the f*ck?" Giving f*ck to these rebel Congress and hungry deprived BJP MLAs for Uttarkhand chair, the speaker said "Appropriation Bill is passed," opening a new chance for self f*cking.

·         These MLAs (including BJPs) moved to Governor KK Paul for some chit chat and checking whether sending Harish Rawat on sabbatical was possible. "Marie biskut was extremely soggy and fell into my cup of tea;" said one of the BJP MLAs who was present at the meeting "Blame it on Harish bhai."

·         Paul scratched his head and thought something and muttered "Hmmmm... This Harish guy is too oversmart, that day his wife was outshining mine and he was laughing. I will show him his place." and asked the government to prove his majority before the yearend holiday.

·         His Personal Assistant complained "Paul saab isn't giving me compensatory off although I had overtime that day before typing that letter in the blood of the democracies' body."

·         Prime Minister Narendra Modi called urgent meeting of cabinet to discuss the issue and take steps. He presented facts in front of Rahul, Sonia Gandhi and asked their support. "Mummy I don't like Harish uncle's hair oil. It is way too stingy," Rahul opens up first time in the closed door meeting and asked Sonia Gandhi to take steps. "Don't worry Raul Baba! Randip (not Hooda, its Surjewala) issue the statement that its murder of democracy. Modiji, go ahead and let Rawatji sit in his home having a serious make over from his wife."

·         Today, Harish Rawat found carrying handbag carrying a small chit of paper which has given by his wife, Renuka Rawat. Message on the paper was "Bring 1 litre milk, 1/2kilo baingan, 1/2kilo gobi (saaf ki huyi), 1kilo tamaatar aur 2 kilo aaloo. Put the money unspent in my purse."

So what is President's rule?

President's rule is imposed by Central Government if State Government does anything unconstitutional. So what is unconstitutional? Any act which is not having been mentioned in 395 articles, 12 schedules, 25 parts and 117,369 English words of Constitution of India is unconstitutional. So any government that darns these 117,369 English words could be ousted by Central Government and brings a peaceful President's rule.

What happens under President's rule?

Nothing specific. Ousted party calls it murder of democracy. You may get some free sops and enjoyable luxurious things from central government apart from daily media coverage.

How's life under President's rule?

Great! You feel like you are in USA. You don't need to work. You get salaries at home. You can buy anything at free of cost. Beautiful girls come to you and propose you. Lovely corruption free life. If you are thinking all these then forget, nothing changes under President's rule. Only change is the name in Government's schemes.

Rahul Gandhi sits on a Bournvita strike till his wax statue installed at Madame Tussauds

Following the news that after PM Narendra Modi, Aam Aadmi Party national convener and Delhi chief minister Arvind Kejriwal is set to see himself in wax at the iconic museum, Madame Tussauds, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi demanded his mother to ask those museum guys to build his statue as well. The Gandhi scion threatened Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi that he would not drink Bournvita and eat pasta in nasta till he sees the wax replica of him the light of the day.

According to a source who was present in 10 Janpath reported India Satire. The source was cleaning tiles while Rahul came to Sonia Gandhi and asked her to take steps to make his wax statue.

"Mummy mummy, I will not drink Bournvita," said Rahul Gandhi looking at a glass of hot chocolate in the hand of Congress Party General Secretary Digvijay Singh, as reported by the source "No Diggy Chacha! Now even Kejru's statue will be in Madame Tussauds, ab kya Ashutosh ka statue lagne ka wait karu?Mummy mummy kuch karo na mera bhi statue lagwao na."

The source confirmed that Sonia Gandhi made every effort to console Rahul Gandhi to drink that Bournvita and told him that installing that bloody wax statue is not in her hand.

"Raul Baba, please drink Bournvita, it's good for brain and body. It has Vitamin D and woh dudh ki shaaktee badhaata hai," said Sonia Gandhi "At least eat pasta."

When Rahul refused to eat Pasta, unwillingly she asked Digvijay Singh, "Diggyji, Queen Elizabeth ko phone lagaaiye."

Narendra Modi to take suggestions from Ashwani Gujral to decide his fashionable wardrobe

To get right advice on fashion and stylist clothing, Prime Minister Narendra Modi announced new fashion icon and market expert Ashwani Gujral as his chief official fashion advisor. Prime Minister's Office made an announcement about Gujral's appointment immediately after market hours and the confirmation of display of Narendra Modi's wax statue at Madame Tussauds.

"Prime Minister personally called Ashwaniji who is known for his style and fashionable clothes requesting him in helping PM in choosing best clothes going ahead. Modiji is just getting bored with same old kind of clothes. The way Ashwaniji presents himself on CNBC TV18 always amazed and liked Modiji. However, Modiji put one condition to Gujralji that he would have to look at Modiji and nowhere else," said an official at PMO.

The official told India Satire correspondent that earlier PM Modi was planning to appoint music director Bappi Lahiri as an advisor but found him somewhat old fashioned.

Arvind Kejriwal to use power of grayskulls

After getting slammed from 200 powerless bureaucrats for suspending 2 officials, Arvind Kejriwal has decided to use his secret power of broom. Arvind Kejriwal who is also known as Prince Adam on the planet of Eternia will hold his secret Broom of Power at the secluded place of Delhi and will transform into He-Man to vanish all the evils from the entire mankind, including PM Narendra Modi and FM Arun Jaitley. Earlier, he used this power in 2002 to tarnish universe's another evil creature "Skeletor".

"Arvind Kejriwal will hold the Broom of Power aloft and will proclaim "By the Power of Grayskull!" he is endowed with fabulous secret powers and will be transformed into Indian He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe," said Aam Aadmi Party leader Ashish Khetan.

​Together with his close allies, Ashutosh (who undergoes a similar transformation from being Arvind's intelligent pet person to extraordinary creature of the universe), Kumar Vishwas, and Manish Sisodia, Kejriwal will use his powers to defend Delhi from the evil forces of Narendra Modi.

"The Arvind Kejriwal tortured by the Modi by using his secret pawar. Now we all crechers of Eternia will come to the original being human form," said Ashutosh, Arvind's most trusted man in the universe.

Ashutosh confirmed India Satire correspondent that Doremon asked Arvind Kejriwal to transform in his original form.

Santa Claus Narendra Modi gifts goodies to Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and his grand daughter

(Santa Claus Narendra Modi surprisingly visited Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and offered him a lot of goodies on the eve of Christmas and on his birth day. Santa Claus also arrived to give his blessings to his granddaughter on her wedding. Reacting to Santa Claus' visit to Pakistan, here in India Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi and Vice President told media that they will sit on muka satyagraha till the time they know what Modi gifted Nawaz Sharif in secret.

Reacting to Santa Claus' visit, Rahul Gandhi said "I was waiting Santa Clausji for whole night on Christmas but I wasn't aware that he went to my old age look-a-like. Mummy, I want same gift Santa Claus gave it to Sharif Uncle, (crying in Arijit Singh's voice pyaaannnnnn…. pyaaaannnnn).")

Narendra Modi throws remainder of water of Bhagwant Mann's glass into dustbin; Congress, AAP slams his inhumanity

Congress Party slammed Prime Minister Narendra Modi for throwing out left over water of the glass he offered to Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) MP Bhagwant Mann into dustbin. The party leader Sonia Gandhi claimed it as a seriously inhuman action and asked Modi to apologise. Aam Aadmi Party leader Arvind Kejriwal asked a nationwide protest against the government.

"It was inhuman. This way Mr. Modi has proved that he has no feelings for opposition leaders. I can only say we are in a state of emergency and intolerant government is operating in India," said Ms Gandhi.

When asked about Modi's gesture of offering the water to Mann, she said "That was okay, everybody does that. But throwing water in front of him whom you offered it just now is seriously inhuman and Mr. Modi has set a bad precedent."

Yesterday, PM Modi offered a glass of water to Bhagwant Mann, AAP's Member of Parliament in the Lok Sabha, who was protesting against the CBI raids on the Delhi Secretariat. Mann, who was shouting slogans, felt uneasy and was apparently looking for water when a smiling Modi offered the MP his own glass. Mann accepted the glass of water readily and gave it back to Modi after some water left over in it. Modi took the glass back and threw water into dustbin immediately before settling that glass on his desk again.

"Modi just now proved what I said earlier in my Twitter account," said Arvind Kejriwal "I call the nationwide protests for this act of intolerance."

Main stream media is also expected to take up the incident in today's news debate shows and many prominent Indian ideologies are expected to return their awards.

Twits of prominent personalities on Narendra Modi's act

Rajdeep Sardesai: If I was in his place, I would have drank it before saying Gnight

Sagarika Ghose: Internet Hindus, apologize me for being indifferent to me

Barkha Dutt: Is there a conspiracy against Indian minorities?

Rahul Gandhi worries about brainwashing of Donald Duck; blames Narendra Modi's frequent visits to US

Swati Gupta

Delhi: 09-December-2015

In a sneering attack on the BJP government, Rahul Gandhi asks explanation from Prime Minister Narendra Modi over rising intolerance in U.S. The Congress Vice President and scion of Gandhi family, Rahul Baba claimed that frequent visits of Narendra Modi stimulated environment of America and affected percipience of his favourite cartoon characters.

"Hon. Speaker, today my favourite cartoon character and childhood friend Donald Duck (according to party sources he was referring to Donald Trump) asked White House to ban Muslims from entering into U.S. How did this happen? Who is responsible for the change in secular virtues of Donald bhai? Is it a planned conspiracy to pollute the environment of U.S. just like it did in India? I want to ask Mr. Modi why he needs to go to U.S. again and again. Is there some specific objective to do that? Hon. Speaker, today Donald bhai left his secular virtues tomorrow Micky Mouse will take same decision. I am pretty sure that it was Mr. Modi who frequently visits U.S. influenced his wisdom. Hon. Speaker, I request a special session of Parliament to discuss rising atrocities and brain washing of my favourite characters from the right wing terror ideologies of India like Yogiji and Sadhvijis. I also believe that increasing visits of Prime Minister to U.S. would have polluted the environment of that country and he should be kept away from Disney Land," said Rahul Gandhi, addressing the Parliament of India.

Rahul Baba also claimed that all his favourite cartoon characters need special security not just in India or U.S. but also all over the world from the right wing terror lobby.

"I asked my uncle Doraemon (here its Diggy Chacha, or Congress Senior Leader Digvijay Singh who also mentored Rahul since his child hood, according to sources) to create a gadget which will bring my favorite Donald Duck to his senses," Rahul confide in an exclusive chat with India Satire correspondent Swati Gupta outside the Parliament.

(All inputs reported by our special correspondent Swati Gupta from Delhi) 

Digvijay Singh wary of rising influence of Mani Shankar Aiyar and Salman Khursheed in the Congress Party

Amid the race to reach the position of right and left hand of Sonia and Rahul Gandhi, Digvijay Singh camp is shattered by rising influence of a political duo Mani Shankar Aiyar and Salman Khurshid, said sources in Congress Party. An official source near the senior leadership of the party said that the party leader Digvijay Singh is chalking a strategy to counter balance the rising influence of both the leaders.

"It is disheartening for a senior leader like Diggy Chacha who throughout his life gave all the services without any return when opportunist leaders like Aiyar and Khurshid make such statements. The competition to become right hand of Sonia Madam and Rahul Baba is now intensely fierce and Chacha would do anything to win it," said the source.

Recently, Soniaji after Bihar elections announced a competition "My favourite second child" which if won would receive a certificate of Gandhi family loyalty and designation of right hand of the top party leaders. Runner up would get the designation of left hand of Gandhi family.

"Diggy Chacha was topping the race as his previous statement that 'Soniaji Desh ki Maata hai' made good impression in Madam's eyes. However, recent statements of Mani Shankar Aiyar who begged Pakistan to remove India's PM Narendra Modi and Khurshid's utterance that Pakistan PM Nawaz Sharif is apostle of peace clearly increased their influence. Now Chacha has to think of counter strategies to come back into the race," said the source.

According to secretary of Digvijay Singh, the top leader is expected to call a press conference today to announce few bomb blasting and lamb lambasting statements to come back to the race.