Digvijay Singh to start classes on ‘Secularism’

Senior leader and General Secretary of Congress Party, Digvijay Singh announced special coaching classes on secularism. The batches will be held in all Congress branches with special video lectures of Digvijay Singh, aired from Delhi. For Delhi students, Digvijay Singh will personally give coaching.

"I am upset with the rising Hindu Terrorism and RSS activities in India. I want young boys and girls to master the art of secularism and evaporate communal entities like BJP, RSS from the country. The classes will take care of the aspirants who want to excel in secularism," said Digvijay Singh.

According to sources, the course will help mass population in India to label themselves as secular. The content will be comprehensive enough for the students to convert any event in day to day life to communalism. Congress Party also promises job after completion of the two years of course.

"Vanishing BJP is not on my agenda, as it would not give us a comfort of playing communal politics. My focus will be on connecting various issues to communal mindsets of the country," said Digvijay Singh.

Singh said "We also offer students a job of sweeper in the house and office of the most secular minds of India, Soniaji and Rahul Baba."

Syllabus of 'Rajiv Gandhi Art of Secularism'

1.     Basics Of Secularism

2.     Accounting Of Communal Parties

3.     Identifying The Communities Entitled To Get Bashing

4.     Master The Art Of Bringing Non-Linearity Of Communal And Secular Parties

5.     Logic Behind Communalism

6.     Logic Behind Secularism

7.     Connecting Each-N-Every Event To Communal Politics

8.     Road To Development Through Secularism ONLY

9.     Case Study Of Communal Mindset – Narendra Modi

10.  Case Study Of Half Hearted Seculars – Mulayam Singh Yadav, Mayawati, CPM & CPI Activists

11.  Case Study Of Secular Power – Rahul Gandhi

12.  Special Event – Guest Lectures Of Sonia Gandhi And Rahul Gandhi

Those two months before movie release are terrible – Shahrukh Khan

I always scared in those 2 months ahead my movie release. I always ask that almighty God to somehow fast forward this period as soon as possible and let the movie release first. I have never bothered about movie's record on box office, as most of my movies are wholesale disappointments and height of inanity my concern is the promotion work. I afraid of that stupid fucking marketing activities in which I have to behave like an idiot a$$hole providing some bullshit information to press about my house, my affairs, my kitchen, my toilet, my bathroom and my doggy just to satisfy senses of my fans. Thanks to my beautiful wife Gauri who always give courage to me and just because her unswerving support, I could have managed those scary 2 months till date before every movie of my life. Now I believe that somehow I will manage promotion of 'Chennai Express' too.

Job of any actor is just like a job of politician. After winning election, no politician comes back to his territory for any kind of work he promised. Actors also do same thing. Post movie release, they forget who their fans and journalists. Neither they are interested in meeting journalists nor do they want to see any stupid fan again. But experience of movie promotion is appalling. First of all put a fake smile, give interviews with many lies, make some stupid comments and provide plentiful gossip to journalists so that few stupid fans would fight on TOI or Rediff's comment section and increase the awareness about my brainless movie.

Guys, seriously I never care a shit about Salman Khan, nor does he. But this is for stupid people like you, who want incessant flow of gossip from my side. Forget that. I want to tell you one thing, just because you guys, you and particularly those insane journalists who have IQ below 5 and asks stupid questions like how did you feel working with Deepika again types, I am really pissed off. I don't like girls calling me in a stupid way like 'Oh Cutie Pie' and 'oh sho shweet' or some body builder boy who highly jealous with my relationship with my best friend Karan Johar and dreaming about me in the night. I don't want all these things. I beg with majority of people who are not my fans at all and really have productive and creative work than watching my worthless movies, please pray for me and save me from these dreadful two months.

(Shahrukh Khan is one of the leading Bollywood actors)

5 Ways to avail benefit from food security bill if you are tax payer and rich

As the UPA Government is pushing food security bill for 67% of India's population through ordinance route this monsoon session, India's rest 33% section of population is wondering how he will benefit from such bill and feels regretted for not coming under BPL or the economically weaker section category. If you are rich and wealthy, but still if you want to leave a legacy of being poor, deprived and hungry person to your child so that he can avail benefits of food security bill, here the India Satire brings some tips for you.

(Note: Rather than cursing Government for providing free food to huge population out of tax payer's money and adding huge amount to fiscal deficit, the India Satire brings a new and fresh approach towards food security bill so that everybody in India can benefit from it and live happily ever.)

A checklist to join the list of beneficiaries of Food Security Bill

Ö         Leave your job immediately and apply for BPL category

Ö         Ask your employer to pay salary by cash

Ö         Marry your maid/servant, take the Green Card (sorry Blue Card) and immediately file for divorce

Ö         Spend 25000 rupees up front to get ration card for poor from nearby MLA or corporate

Ö         Form an NGO protest against Government to increase the minimum limit to be a BPL family

Note: Issued in Public Interest

Delhi University to introduce new subject ‘Diggy Logic’

Delhi University has decided to introduce a new subject called 'Diggy Logic' in all the streams today. The subject will benefit students in learning how pathetic logic can be applied in day to day life. The decision came after Congress Spokesperson Digvijay Singh demonstrated another side of his logical brain yesterday.

"We are going to introduce the new subject from current year onwards. So that more and m0re students should be benefitted of the knowledge of pitiable logic," said Professor Dinesh Singh, Vice Chancellor of Delhi University.

Senior Congress leader found saying BJP would instigate communal riots in Congress states. Seconds after the statement flashed on TV channels and news sites, researchers of Association for Logic in India started finding out logic behind the statement. While taking the benefit of immense database of such weird and useless statements Delhi University decided to launch it in a subject. The university will update books with every new statement made by Digvijay Singh with detailed research, confirmed Vice Chancellor.

He said "The idea of introducing this subject is inspired by All-India Congress Committee (AICC) General Secretary Digvijay Singh's weird ideas about life and understanding of the events. The subject will discuss his statements, quotes and logic behind them. Though pathetic in every sense, we think students should learn it."

Government shifted monsoon session of Parliament to Twitter

Understanding the changing trend and perception of Member of Parliaments, the UPA Government has decided to change the upcoming Parliamentary session on Twitter. The government expects the move will improve the quality of interaction and arguments and will stop so called chaos in Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha forever.

"We are seriously considering this option. Nobody will disrupt Parliamentary work on Twitter and everyone would get chance to talk only 140 words so that only quality interaction would get promoted," said Minister of Parliamentary Affairs, Kamalnath. He also confirmed that short words would make the interaction more interesting for the public.

The government said that retweets will help passing the pending bills.

"We will easily pass the Food Security Bill by presenting it in Twitter Parliament," said Kamalnath. He said that number of retweets will be counted as votes for the bill.

Talking about how the opposition leaders would start message, Kamalnath said they can use hash tags.

"For example, if discussion is on Robertji, members can use hashtags #jamairaja and for Rahulji #pappu and if they want to convey some message to Manmohanji and want to include others to react, they can use #silentbaba," said Kamalnath.

Kamalnath also told that all the MP accounts will be protected and common man can't interact in the session, so that to avoid any legislature harm. He also said that the government will be very strict while interaction and MPs will have to be disciplined.

He said "We will take strict action in case of breach of code of conduct. We will ban them. For instance, we recently banned Manish Tewari from reaching and seriously disrupting harmony of the nation." 

Study: 87% believes that Google search data is useless

A study conducted by Independent Research suggests that 87% Indians believe that the results they get after searching on Google is worthless and no point to actually search for it. An extensive survey of 11,573 youth includes working people, housewives and college students.

 "I never found whatever I wanted on Google. Still just like a programmed warm I search it on Google," said Dibakar Bhattacharya, an Investment Banker in Mumbai.

He said "All the time I tried to search for the valuation models, Google gave me some trash links. However, still like a stupid guy I continue to search on it."

Same story with other net savvy people who actually trusts Google but found that the information that the search engine provides is rather pointless.

"I also observed that on Google. Whatever I tried to search for it actually sent me some other stupid information. I never felt like I am getting the proper info. Just a habit I search everything on Google. Its like searching information in dust bin," said house wife Priyanka Gandhi.

Priyanka Gandhi was trying to find out recent land deals and empty pockets of land in Gurgaon and other parts of Haryana.

Gandhi said "It feels stupid whenever some other worthless information comes out of it, like land in Namibia and Sudan. Even my husband is pissed off, finding the necessary land pockets in Gurgaon."

Talking on the allegations, Google India Head Rajan Anandan said "All these accusations are wrong and people need to apply their mind. Google's search engine is made with an algorithm that recognizes what the people need and what not to provide. If users insert some reverse information, Google will return proper and accurate data. Users like Priyankaji can ask Google land prices in Namibia or empty land pockets in Somalia and I assure her that Google will return with empty land pockets in Gurgaon."

Article talking about Narendra Modi widely considered as ‘politically biased’ and ‘secular’

A Times of India (TOI) article discussing about the role of Narendra Modi in Indian politics widely considered as politically biased and secular. Most of the comment writers pulled up legs of the article writer, TOI and UPA Government along with big shots like Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi and Manmohan Singh.

"This is a paid media," said Diggy Chacha, one of the comment writers in the article. Note: Only name resembles to India Satire's owner Diggy Chacha while personality differs. Chacha said "This is a paid media and secular also."

Other commentators which includes Platinum writer Pappu Pager said "The article writer is from the breed of intellectual dogs with heavy bias towards UPA Government."

Few commentators abused article writer by putting him on the stand of Nitish Kumar, Mulayam Singh and UPA Government's top notch leaders like Digvijay Singh by calling him 'Secular'.

"We are now becoming more and more secular country," said Rajan Sippy "It is real threat to the progress of the country."

Giving the reference of few political analysts in his comment, Sippy said that the 'secularity' is becoming more and more abusive word as any mentally retarded person could claim he is secular.

"Even Congress party claims that it is secular, ha ha ha," said Rajan Sippy.