Monday 11 April 2016

How to play Playstation 4 / XBox for 20 hours continuously?

Many people want to learn how to play PS 4 and XBox on their PC, Mobile or iPhone while some people want to understand how they could play these two uninterruptedly for hours. While any stupid and crap technology website will give answer to the first question, second one needs an expert's opinion. Our technology expert Marc Zuckerburg will help you in answering the second question

Steps to improve stamina for PS 4 and XBox

·         You need two days of preparation.

·         On first day, create a to-do list for next day, sleep early and wake up early next day.

·         As a chain PS 4/XBox player you must be a near brother of owl but you have to understand that waking up early is prominent here

·         So sleep whatever time but wake up around 5 am in the morning. To wake up early, watching Donald Trump's photo before sleeping may help you. If you are Indian, dream like Rahul or watch KRK's photo. People from other countries may watch weirdo of their respective nations.

·         As soon as you wake up at 5 am, just run to the toilet before occupying it anybody else. Give a nice time to let the things go out of your body. Because its 5 in the morning you will have sufficient time.

·         Bathing is not necessary

·         Bring a saline from the neighboring medical store, put fruit juice/beer/milk or anything you want into it. Properly fit that saline to a metal rod near your computer

·         Now inject that saline into your body, whether into your arm, hand or your ass

·         Give your Mumma the schedule to follow - 9 am apple juice in the breakfast, 12 pm vegetable soup in lunch, 5 pm some coffee/tea, 9 pm manchow soup

·         This way your family, friends, relatives and your sleep will not disturb you from playing PS 4

After celebrities, Anant Ambani is open for demonstration to general public

India's top businessman Mukesh Ambani has decided to showcase his child Anant's super natural change in body during last 18 months to general public. Anant was earlier demonstrated in front of celebrities and top people at his house Antilla in Mumbai.

"Now as the demonstration of Anant in front of creamy layer is over, we decided to show him to general public," said Mukesh Ambani "We will put him on Wankhede ground after IPL match to show how one buddy could reduce 108kg in 18 months."

Mukesh Ambani confirmed that the Royal Couple, Prince Williams and his wife Kate Middleton which came to India want Anant to take to Royal Palace to showcase him in front of population of Britain.

Shoe thrown at Arvind Kejriwal; shoe companies fight claiming it was their brand

A fight among the large shoe companies to take credit has emerged after a guy of Aam Aadmi Sena hurled a shoe at Aam Aadmi Party Chief and Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal.

"We designed that shoe," said Director of Bata India "Our shoe is designed to work well in such attacks. It creates high decibels of noise after it hits on the target so that people know it has touched the target. Our sources at the event confirmed that after the shoe touched its target it created a strong noise."

According to the management of Mirza International, another leading shoe company, the shoe carries a tag of Red Tape.

"We zoomed out that shoe and found it was perfectly our shoe. We have designed that model which fits into attacker's legs and on the face of the target. These models are developed in such a way that people could see them through their naked eyes," Mirza's official confirmed.

These shoe companies plan to go to court to get the legal stamp on their claim for 'that' particular shoe.

"I don't know which shoes brand that funny guy; Ved Prakash wore in another leg. But I am damn sure that whatever shoe he threw was Bata's," said Bata India's Director.

Few other shoe companies, which include Liberty and Relaxo Footwear took different view. Director of Liberty Shoes told India Satire correspondent that the shoe didn't belong to Liberty, as it couldn't hit the target perfectly while director of Relaxo said that the company didn't manufacture leather shoes and if Ved Prakash would have used sports shoes his target could have been perfectly accomplished.

Sunday 10 April 2016

Jealous of Anant Ambani, Pappu Pandey lost 1/2 kg - Reports

Pappu Pandey unknowingly lost 1/2 kg in a day after he found India's richest businessman Mukesh Ambani's son Anant Ambani lost 108kg in 18 months.

"It was sheer jealousy that helped Pappu lost 1/2 kg within a day without doing anything," said Pappu's elder brother Chunky Pandey "He ate everything yesterday still we found him 1/2 kg lighter compared to day before."

Pappu is a son of wealthiest halwai of India Pinchu Pandey. Pappu is known for his love for jalebis and recorded his name in Guinness Book of World Records after eating thousands of jalebis in an hour's time.

"U hamaar bituwa rahai. Kauno Ambani kaa naahi. Hum ka pata hai ki hamaar Pappuwa bhi 400-500 kilo ekai saal mein loose karai rahe," said proud father Pinchu Pandey after he saw Pappu to be lighter by 1/2 kg.

Friday 8 April 2016

Women devotees to fight new crusade; want men devotees to wear full clothes in Shani Shingnapur Temple


After a major victory for women devotees on the occasion of Hindu New Year Gudi Padwa, as the Shani Shingnapur temple trust in Maharashtra on Friday allowed them inside the sanctum sanctorum they want men to wear full clothes and not roaming topless around the venue. Just after entered the temple, first batch of women shocked seeing few topless men praying in front of God Shani as per the cusoms and rituals.

"That view was shocking. Few people without caring about women in the temple were half nude making us totally uncomfortable," said one of the women devotees who got opportunity to be in the first batch "There should be some sense that they were in front of women. We immediately complained the temple authorities which showed lack of interest in getting things sorted out and asking the men devotees to wear clothes. Now we plan to move to court."

The devotee told India Satire correspondent that they will try all the legal options including requesting Pahlaj
Nihalani to personally look after the issue.   

(This is satire and fake news just created for generating some humour)





ISI, Pakistan army arranges crash course for Pakistan panelists to successfully debate on Arnab Goswami's show

After daily bashing from Times Now Editor and News Hour anchor Arnab Goswami and his Indian colleagues, Pakistan army and its intelligence agency, Inter service Intelligence (ISI) decided to take crash course of Pakistan participants on how to deal with Arnab. According to Pakistan's army chief Gen. Raheel Sharif, the Pakistan's intellectual army fades away while combating against Arnab. Sharif decided about the step after he watched yesterday's News Hour show in which Arnab Goswami along with other Indian panelists was bashing Pakistani High Commissioner to India Abdul Basit.

"There is no need to teach them fabricated lies, that's in our blood. It's just like how a galli guy of India plays against any kind of spin bowling that's how we deal with scenario using all the lies. However, we need to improve their aggression and way of delivering lies," said Pakistan's army chief General Raheel Sharif to Reporter of leading English daily Dawn "It's just tweaking the way of talking. Therefore we decided to give lectures to Pakistan's esteemed intellectuals on dealing against Arnab Goswami under the guidance of Pakistan army's social media wing dictator General Bajwa."

When Dawn reporter asked if the participants despite rigorous training fail to deliver against Arnab, Sharif said "We will give them few nuclear hand grenades to throw on Arnab Goswami or else we will provide them battle tanks and missiles so that they would straight away target Times Now building from seating in Karachi, Lahore and Islamabad. Our army is fighter. Our Tariq Pirzada is sufficient for these News Hour guys; his bald skull is full of thousands of small nuclear bombs."

 

Thursday 7 April 2016

Critic of lengthy one day and test cricket played Playstation 4 for 18 hours

A harsh critic of test and one day cricket for being too lengthy, Pappu Pandey found playing on Playstation 4 for 18 hours nonstop till his body jammed and mouth pained due to constant yawning, said sources close to him.

"Pappu is famous for his criticism on 7-8 hours format of test and one day cricket respectively. He believes that the long hour format makes the game boring and also painful for ass. However, he played on some unknown game on Playstation for 18 hours which itself is shocking," said the source requesting anonymity.

The source confirmed that everybody in the group which is a fan of all formats of cricket decided to take on with Pappu over the hypocrisy.

Indian government not yet ready to admit its hypocrisy

Indian government in a special circular said that it was not yet prepared to admit itself a hypocrite government. It confirmed that it wanted to remove all the air from the minds of its bhakts and trolls which think today or tomorrow or someday it the government would act unbiased.

"We are closely studying our reactions to tricky issues and behavioral patterns. We are still not ready to handle any situation with unbiased and fair manner. We need some time to get rid off our hypocrite nature, forget our behavior and nature but a simple thing that we even can't admit that we are extremely hypocrite," said India's Home Minister Rajnath Singh in the statement just after he told Kashmir NIT students that he ensured their safety and security while completely as well as most conveniently avoiding about the actions he would ensure against the guilty policemen.

"Our greed doesn't allow us to question Kashmir state government while our hypocrite nature doesn't allow us to give right answers just to hide our nudity," said Rajnath Singh "Possibly we will achieve the target in next few years or else we will become Congress."

Wednesday 6 April 2016

Rakhi Sawant asks Dolly Bindra to stop eating to get rid of her piles

After advising India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi on putting ban on ceiling fans, Bollywood Diva Rakhi Sawant asked another Bollywood Diva Dolly Bindra to stop eating and control her piles. Rakhi Sawant with Dolly Bindra was addressing media on the unfortunate ocassion of Pratyusha's suicide.

"Dolly tu bhi yaad rakh. Tujhe agar piles thik karna hoga to tujhe khaana chodana padega (Dolly if you want to cure your piles you will have to stop eating)," Rakhi told Dolly immediately after ban ceiling fan campaign "Thoda thoda mat kar. Tu thoda bhi nahi kha sakti. Bilkul khana chod de nahi to tera ye piles nahi thik hoga," Rakhi replied to Dolly as she was insisting that she could eat in small quantities at least.

​(Indicative image of piles, not necessarily of Dolly Bindra's)
Fake News

Amitabh Bachchan admits wrongdoings; tried Panama many times

Confirming the allegations about the wrongdoings in Panama Papers, Bollywood Super Star Amitabh Bachchan confirmed he tried Panama ones but that too in his young age.
"I had Panama many times in my young age. I also hid them in my cup board from my father's eyes," said Amitabh Bachchan "The smoke was awesome. However, when I started feeling guilty about it and I stopped smoking."
"What are you talking about?" when India Satire correspondent asked Amitabh, he said "I am talking about Panama cigarettes, they were famous in my young age and everybody used to smoke hiding from his parents. Even I had lot of cartons secretly putting away from my Papa's eyes."

However, Amitabh told correspondent that he was not aware that his daughter-in-law Aishwarya Rai Bachchan also tried Panama.

Tuesday 5 April 2016

Stock prices of A.C. companies rise as Rakhi Sawant demands ban on ceiling fans

Stock prices of A.C. companies including Voltas, Lloyd Electric, Blue Star and Hitachi Homes zoomed as Rakhi Sawant asked India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi to ban ceiling fans.

Pathankot JIT to investigate Nawaz Sharif's Panama assets

After the succes of Pakistan's Joint Investigation Team led by Punjab's Additional Inspector General of Police, Counter Terrorism Department, Muhammad Tahir Rai in investigating the role India in Pathankot terror and proving it was self managed, Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif appointed them to probe his own offshore dealings revealed by Panama papers. PM Nawaz Sharif was one of the esteemed political figures who saw his and his family's name in the Panama Papers. Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca (MF), show that Sharif's sons and daughter, Hussain Nawaz, Hasan Nawaz Sharif and Mariam Safdar, set up at least four offshore companies in the British Virgin Islands (BVI). According to leak, these companies owned at least six upmarket properties overlooking London's Hyde Park.

To clear air, Nawaz Sharif said "He he he, they couldn't find anything sort of Pakistan's involvement in Pathankot terror attack despite it being there. I am sure they will find nothing with me as well. Whoooopppppieeeee. Let them do the probe."

India invites Pakistan's JIT again to prove Pathankot attack was not 'stage managed'

After the news report in Pakistan daily 'Pakistan Today' quoted an unnamed JIT member as saying that the attack was nothing but "vicious propaganda" against Pakistan as Indian authorities did not have any evidence to back their claims, Indian government invited the same JIT members to India to allow it to prove that the attack was not stage managed and the government is innocent.

"We are humble cows. We never conspire," said an official of PMO India "We invite them again to probe our intentions and if anything wrong they find we will surrender to them."

The official confirmed that Indian establishment will fully cooperate with them again and would help in probing itself.

"PM Narendra Modi will personally go to Pakistan and will request the JIT to come to India and investigate us," said the official.

Pathankot JIT probe panel eats nuclear biryani post completion of probe

Pakistani news paper Pakistan Today confirmed that after completing the probe in Pathankot terror attack, the joint investigation team of Pakistan satisfactorily ate nuclear biryani, made with uranium and traces of plutonium and got blasted. The Pakistani team led by Punjab's Additional Inspector General of Police, Counter Terrorism Department, Muhammad Tahir Rai came last week to India to investigate the terror incident at Pathankot.
"I am feeling some gases have to be released," after eating the tasty nuclear biryani, the costliest biryani in Pakistan offered to only special people "I am going to release them."
After releasing the stuck up nuclear gases, onlookers and listeners saw a big blast and smoke everywhere with familiar smell of gas.

Monday 4 April 2016

Sust Murga trains Arjun Kapoor for Ki & Ka - R Balki

Revealing the acting secrets of Arjun Kapoor in Ki & Ka, Director R Balki told India Satire correspondent that he took help of Sust Murga, a lazy rooster of Muzaffarabad to improve acting talent, eye and face expressions of the actor. "We approached stage artiste Cocku Cocka who is also popular for his lazy eye and face expressions to help Arjun improve his acting. Cocku helped us without any compensation, as he thought teaching some acting to Arjun is a social work."
Balki told correspondent that earlier the director wanted to take Smiley Sloth of Amazon river for the said work but rather than putting a single smiley face, Balki found a Cocku's expressions of a dead man would be more natural for Arjun and he would look more dynamic.
"After a rigorous training, Balki Sir immediately said 'Dead Man walking', ekdum sust murga," said Arjun Kapoor "I really thank Cocku for helping me adopt new kind of expressions."
This is the second time Bollywood director took some help from living creatures to improve acting the leading star cast. Earlier, Shoojit Sircar, Director of Piku inducted Azam Khan's Champa Bhains (buffalo) to train Deepika Padukone to give some weird stares throughout the movie.
(Story covered by our special correspondent Swati Gupta)

I will pull out each and every hair of moustache of American - Donald Trump

To contain terrorism and criminal activities, US Presidential candidate Donald Trump said that he would pull out each and every hair from the moustache of any ordinary to extra ordinary American. "There is no right for anybody to keep moustache. They (men/women with moustache) only involved in criminal activities like terrorism. Even Kim-Jong-Un has hidden moustache behind his upper lip. I will just put my thumb and a finger and would pull out each and every hair from there. If you guys (Americans who were listening to him) gave me an opportunity to contain Hitler by pulling out hair from his moustache, the massacre of Jews had never been occurred," Trump confirmed.

R Balki is totally illogical and irrational at home also - Gauri Shinde

Ageless director of Ki & Ka, R Balki's wife and director of English Vinglish, Gauri Shinde confirmed that her husband is like that only at home as well.

"He is the most irrational and illogical guy in the world I have ever seen. Forget Vishal Bharadwaj or Sanjay Leela Bhansali, I believe Balu assume a much higher position of intellectual (in other words illogical) in India," said Shinde.

Shinde confirmed that ever since she has seen him she found him as a fantasizing person whose mind keep wandering on some other planets create movies of creatures (look alike human beings) with minds of other worlds. "He never thought of this world and forgets thinking he even behaves irrationally. At home his bigger time pass is to help our maid in jhaadu pocha," said Shinde.

Friday 1 April 2016

PM Narendra Modi requests 4G girl to promote Swachch Bharat Abhiyaan


After a flourishing success of 4G network in India, Bharti Airtel's 4G girl has received a second assignment and that too from India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi. PM Modi confirmed in his official interview with India Satire correspondent at Brussels and before leaving to Washington that he saw 4G girl's recent advertisements and astonished to see uninterrupted 4G networks on mountains, air and under water.

"It was all 4G girl's relentless work on spreading the network awareness across India. You may not get Airtel's 2G or 3G network at your home even if you live in Mumbai or Delhi but your phone will definitely receive 4G network in Ladakh or Igatpuri. She has also lifted my dream of digital India to next level. Today even a person doing potty in open air feels pride of having 4G mobile phone. This is India growth story and this is the success of my digital India campaign as well as that 4G girl. However, we also need to think about that person who is doing potty in open air or spitting on the railway platform and everywhere in India except in his own house or hurting India's image throwing garbage anywhere. Despite all my efforts this man is not stopping and therefore I decided to appoint 4G girl to educate him about cleanliness. She will go to every Indian who is doing potty/urination in open air toilets and bathrooms or spitting on every public place and throwing garbage all over and will tell him to stop."

An official from PMO confirmed that the notification appointing the 4G girl for the post has been released in the morning. When India Satire correspondent contacted 4G girl, Sasha Chettri asking about PM's request for her to join Clean India Movement, she said "Whatever!"

What next for Indians after a harsh defeat by West Indies?

·         Mahendra Singh Dhoni to capsize till IPL begins; Virat Kohli to support him in case of imbalance

·         Tiger balm at free of cost distributed to Indian bowlers

·         Indian government to protest against West Indies batsmen at United Nations for painful onslaught of Indian bowling; To ask UN to declare West Indies as a country of inhumane batsmen

·         Indian bowlers to be declared as most delicate species in the world

·         For Indian audience, happiness restricted to Pakistan's defeat by India

Upset Dhoni to stand upside down till IPL begins


​A
fter a severe assault from West Indies batsmen in 2nd World T20 Semi Final, India's captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni decided to capsize till Indian Premiere League begins. According to sources close to Dhoni told India Satire correspondent that Dhoni was basically a cool person and therefore to remove hangover of defeat he needed to do something weird. "It takes at least a week for him to get back to normal after a bad defeat. After talking to Sakshi Bhabhi for a while, Mahi immediately went to bathroom and stood upside down. He will have everything in that position only till IPL starts," said Dhoni's close friend Pappu Pandey. Pappu Pandey also confirmed that Indian bowlers will rub tiger balm on the areas which were hurt by West Indies batsmen for next couple of days. From the sources close to Sakshi Dhoni, Virat Kohli is acting as a support to Dhoni, incase if he loses balance.