Everything you should know about Uttarakhand crisis and President’s Rule

​Following is the guide which gives a detailed glimpse of Uttarakhand crisis and President's rule imposed by Central Government.

What was the issue all about?

·         9 Congress Party MLAs of Uttarkhand wanted to go on sabbatical to show their wives a new world, which ex-Chief Minister didn't grant. Giving the reason that his intolerable hair oil constantly freeze their noses, they removed the support of the government.

·         When asked about giving them sabbatical, Harish Rawat said "What the f*ck?" Giving f*ck to these rebel Congress and hungry deprived BJP MLAs for Uttarkhand chair, the speaker said "Appropriation Bill is passed," opening a new chance for self f*cking.

·         These MLAs (including BJPs) moved to Governor KK Paul for some chit chat and checking whether sending Harish Rawat on sabbatical was possible. "Marie biskut was extremely soggy and fell into my cup of tea;" said one of the BJP MLAs who was present at the meeting "Blame it on Harish bhai."

·         Paul scratched his head and thought something and muttered "Hmmmm... This Harish guy is too oversmart, that day his wife was outshining mine and he was laughing. I will show him his place." and asked the government to prove his majority before the yearend holiday.

·         His Personal Assistant complained "Paul saab isn't giving me compensatory off although I had overtime that day before typing that letter in the blood of the democracies' body."

·         Prime Minister Narendra Modi called urgent meeting of cabinet to discuss the issue and take steps. He presented facts in front of Rahul, Sonia Gandhi and asked their support. "Mummy I don't like Harish uncle's hair oil. It is way too stingy," Rahul opens up first time in the closed door meeting and asked Sonia Gandhi to take steps. "Don't worry Raul Baba! Randip (not Hooda, its Surjewala) issue the statement that its murder of democracy. Modiji, go ahead and let Rawatji sit in his home having a serious make over from his wife."

·         Today, Harish Rawat found carrying handbag carrying a small chit of paper which has given by his wife, Renuka Rawat. Message on the paper was "Bring 1 litre milk, 1/2kilo baingan, 1/2kilo gobi (saaf ki huyi), 1kilo tamaatar aur 2 kilo aaloo. Put the money unspent in my purse."

So what is President's rule?

President's rule is imposed by Central Government if State Government does anything unconstitutional. So what is unconstitutional? Any act which is not having been mentioned in 395 articles, 12 schedules, 25 parts and 117,369 English words of Constitution of India is unconstitutional. So any government that darns these 117,369 English words could be ousted by Central Government and brings a peaceful President's rule.

What happens under President's rule?

Nothing specific. Ousted party calls it murder of democracy. You may get some free sops and enjoyable luxurious things from central government apart from daily media coverage.

How's life under President's rule?

Great! You feel like you are in USA. You don't need to work. You get salaries at home. You can buy anything at free of cost. Beautiful girls come to you and propose you. Lovely corruption free life. If you are thinking all these then forget, nothing changes under President's rule. Only change is the name in Government's schemes.

NDA to let Congress operate Parliament for one day to get GST bill pass

NDA government has decided to let Congress Party operate Parliament for one entire day to pass all the pending bills, including most important ones such as goods and services tax and land acquisition bill.

"See as it is they are not going to allow us to pass any important bills. So better let them function one entire day of parliament and pass all the bills," said Parliamentary Affairs Minister Venkaiah Naidu.

Naidu told India Satire correspondent that he went to Congress President Sonia Gandhi requesting her to support impending bills in Rajya Sabha.

"She told me that she doesn't feel to pass anything as she is not on the left side of chairs in Rajya Sabha. Therefore, we decided to give them opportunity to handle parliament for one entire day and pass the important bills for the economy. However, we don't know whether we will support them in passing the bills," Naidu confirmed.

Sonia Gandhi lays new foundation stone of Congress Party at new location on old foundation day

Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi layed a new foundation stone of Congress Party at a new location on its 131st foundation day when the first time somebody layed it somewhere. The party president told Congress party leaders that this time the foundation stone would built new story and it would remain durable for next 131 years.

"Last time I changed foundation stone in 2009 and still couldn't locate where it was now. This time you guys will remember where the new foundation stone is located. I can't everytime dig and put that heavy thing into that dirty pit hole. Also this time you guys take oath that you will start thinking logically and wouldn't stay irrational like you were since 131 years. For that you will be more honest and loyal to me," said Sonia addressing Congress party leaders.

Finally, she put red tika on Rahul's forehead and told him "Vijayi Bhava!"

Ministry of Tourism launches 'Congress Darshan' campaign under Incredible India

Ministry of Tourism (India) added a new chapter to its initiative to make India as a dream destination for foreign tourists. The ministry launched 'Congress Darshan' campaign under its well touted Incredible India brand.

"Congress Headquarter is identified as an Eighth wonder of the world and heritage site," said Tourism Minister Dr. Mahesh Sharma "It is a funniest site in the world to watch out for."

According to ministry sources, articles in Congress mouthpiece slamming Jawaharlal Nehru and Sonia Gandhi's father, with a senior leader attracted many eyeballs in the world. Sources also confirmed that many people in the world want to see such a real funny circus in India.

"They want to see Pappu (Rahul Gandhi), they want to see Soniaji and their main attraction is Sanjay Nirupam saab," confirmed Dr. Sharma "It will be a tour for people who want to see funny things and laugh out loud."

Santa Claus Narendra Modi gifts goodies to Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and his grand daughter

(Santa Claus Narendra Modi surprisingly visited Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and offered him a lot of goodies on the eve of Christmas and on his birth day. Santa Claus also arrived to give his blessings to his granddaughter on her wedding. Reacting to Santa Claus' visit to Pakistan, here in India Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi and Vice President told media that they will sit on muka satyagraha till the time they know what Modi gifted Nawaz Sharif in secret.

Reacting to Santa Claus' visit, Rahul Gandhi said "I was waiting Santa Clausji for whole night on Christmas but I wasn't aware that he went to my old age look-a-like. Mummy, I want same gift Santa Claus gave it to Sharif Uncle, (crying in Arijit Singh's voice pyaaannnnnn…. pyaaaannnnn).")

Mallikarjun Kharge sheds some blood from his potty

After threatening ruling party BJP of bloodshed if constitution goes through changes, senior Congress Party leader Mallikarjun Kharge shed some blood from his potty, according to his sweeper.

"Saab ke potty me se rakhtpaat hua," one of the 62 sweepers of Kharge's Delhi house said "Mein subah subah jab pot dhone gaya tab maine rakht (khoon in Hindi and blood in English) dekha tha."

According to Kharge's doctors, Kharge me shed more blood but gradually during the period of BJP rule.

"Many Congress leaders don't have habit to sit on the chairs of opposition. It really nauseates their intestines and bowel regulatory system. Kharge and other Congress Party leaders would not see immediate relief from this disintegrated bowel management system and therefore they would witness slow release of blood till they come back to the chairs of ruling party," said Dr Anand Sharma, an expert in the bowel management system due to change in the seats and change in the bosses.

Dr Sharma also handles stomachs of many media journalists who face the serious bowel damage if the ruling party changes.

"Media journalists like Rajdeep, Barkha and Sagarika are going through my medication. Rajdeep Sardesai has gastric trouble. Sometimes he witnesses gas is stuck up for days while sometimes it automatically goes on releasing for days. Barkha Dutt became serious patient of constipation since BJP came to power and Sagarika vomits every 10-15 minutes," said Dr Sharma "I think by 2019 if Congress doesn't come to power these people would see real bad health."