Turkey promises bombing and invading Russia if European Union asks so

After a historic deal between leaders of the European Union and Turkish premier Ahmet Davutoglu in Brussels on Sunday to stem the flow of migrants to Europe in return for cash, visas and renewed talks on joining the EU, Turkey requested European Union to allow it to bomb and invade entire Russia for the sake of such a kind of wonderful deals.

"It was entertaining experience. You bomb one plane of Russia in our homeland and European Union agrees to take in EU. So if we bomb entire Russia then what would be the deal," asked Ahmet Davutoglu "We are ready to bomb Russia, just tell us when and how. But the deal should be lucrative, cash incentive as well as possession of one country."

Russia is yet to comment on the development while EU is said to have asked Davutoglu to keep his mouth shut till all the environmentally harmful gases release throughout the period of 2015 UN Conference on Climate Change.

All global leaders agree on reducing flatulence at UN Summit for climate in Paris

All powerful global leaders agreed unanimously to work on a system to reduce fatal flatulence gases in the world at 2015 United Nations Climate Change Conference, COP 21 or CMP 11. All the leaders accepted that incessant flow of flatus, a common name for fart would change the chemical composition of the earth and it will only become a miserable and worst living place for a mankind.

"We agreed that the composition of our fart mostly tends towards heavy nitrogen gases and carbon dioxide which in a way would make us compulsorily keep a hanky on our nose. It would also induce us to reduce intake of fresh oxygen for at least 70 hours in a life span. Going forward, the situation will worsen with increase in population and people will have to mask their nose for 120 hours in a life span," said Depository of United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) and Secretary-General of United Nations, Ban Ki-moon.

​According to the data released by COP 21, every fart which in chemical form called as flatus or flatulence releases 20-90% Nitrogen, 0-50% Hydrogen  which is also flammable, 10-30% Carbon dioxide, only 0-10%, Oxygen and 0-10% flammable Methane. Many scientists in developed as well as developing world has already raised concerns that increase in population would increase the incidences, quantity of fart and will worsen the quality of the gases and composition.

"Even, sun will have to cover its face," said Ban Ki-moon "Barack Obama has plans to reduce it but now he is leaving the job as a President of the US, he said he wouldn't discuss it."

Following are chemicals that fatally attacks the noses of people

1.    skatole (by-product of meat digestion)

2.    indole (by-product of meat digestion)

3.    methanethiol (a sulfur compound)

4.    dimethyl sulfide (a sulfur compound)

5.    hydrogen sulfide (rotten egg odor, flammable)

6.    volatile amines

7.    short chain fatty acids

8.    feces (if present in the rectum)

9.    bacteria

People who watch movie Tamasha found Parliamentary debate more exciting

An extensive survey outside the road of different movie theatres indicated that parliamentary session may affect box office collections of movie Tamasha. According to many viewers in the movie who thought Tamasha would have great entertainment value disappointed on its first day and came back to watch debates in Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha, said a survey conducted by Survey Monkey.

​Tamasha

"Almost 89% people think that they witnessed higher entertainment value in the parliamentary debates compared to movies like Tamasha. Many of them went on saying that they really missed entertaining statements of Arun Jaitley who was trying to keep fuel of masala up in the parliament. His goof ups which compared Hitler with Indiraji promises improved standards of the entertainment in Indian Parliament," said Ram Prakash Chautala, surveyor of the survey.

One of the movie viewers, Anand Sharma confirmed the survey with India Satire correspondent. Sharma told correspondent "I avoided going to movie with my friends and now watching Lok Sabha session where everything except pending bills is being discussed. I am getting their messages on WhatsApp and Twitter, they actually pak gaye hai and what I can say, mujhe to majaa aa raha hai!"

Indian Parliament still finds ways to correlate pending bills with topics of discussion

With winter session began today, most of the parliamentarians of India still confused with the bill on table and the topic they are discussing, said a source in the Parliament of India.

"Today, I have a document of GST Bill and we are discussing on intolerance thing. So how is Aamir Khan's fear related to GST Bill due to intolerant India would stall India's consumer sector and how will Shahrukh Khan's fear of land acquisition law would make India more intolerant and would stop economic progress and stall key infrastructure projects? I am largely confused today," said a Member of Parliament with anonymity.

​He told India Satire correspondent that he plans to go to his constituency to understand how in India if Rahul Gandhi was booed by few college girls in Bengaluru would stall one parliamentary session and would stuck up various bills.

​

Rahul Gandhi replaces Nobita in Doraemon; Alia Bhatt to replace Shizuka

In a major deal to give more credibility to Doraemon in the world, Shin-Ei Animation Pierrot (the studio that produces Doraemon) decided to replace its main character Nobita with Rahul Gandhi.

The studio confirmed India Satire (IS) correspondent that the deal with Gandhi family is reached to final levels and Rahul Gandhi will perform as new Nobita in Doraemon from next season.

Director of Doraemon series, Kozo Kusuba told correspondent that he was observing Rahul Gandhi's behavioral pattern and his activities since past 5-6 years and concluded that Rahul Gandhi is far better than current Nobita in handling delicate nuances of being Doraemon's friend.

​Rahul Gandhi talking about intolerance in India

"I am tracking Rahul since past 6 years. He has every ingredient in him to replace Nobita and becomes the best friend of Doraemon. We requested his mummy Sonia Madam to allow him to work with Doraemon and she happily gave us permission," said Kusuba in an exclusive interview to IS (not ISIS).

Rahul Gandhi confirmed the development and said "It will be fun working with Doraemon. I will use all of his gadgets. I will use Doraemon's gun and will vanish Narendra Modi and intolerance from India. Hey whooooppppppeeeeee...... yieeepppppeeeee... yieeeeehhhhhuuuuuu...."

According to sources, Director Kusuba is also considering of replacing Shizuka with Alia Bhatt. The source told that it would be perfect combo of Rahul and Alia. The sources confirmed that Nobita's friends Goda Takeshi and Suneo also welcomed the changes and they are hopeful that with Rahul Baba and Alia Baby they would get their due importance in the series.

With controversial statement, Aamir Khan formally revealed his step by step promotional strategy for Dangal

Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan on Monday confirmed that joining the rising chorus against growing "intolerance" and publicly uttering his wife Kiran Rao's suggestion to leave the country is actually a promotional activity before releasing his film. He told India Satire correspondent that he will go step by step to ensure that Dangal will be damn hit on the box office. He exclusively revealed all the steps he considers before releasing any movie.

Aamir Khan

 

"Guys, I am happy that I am here on India Satire to tell you about the successful marketing and promotional strategies to ensure any of my crap movies will succeed on the box office. You guys must have seen my third grade movies like Dhoom 3 and PK but you must have also seen that they are the most successful movies on the box office. So by revealing the strategies of marketing Dangal, I also reveal how to successfully market the crap and third class movies.

Step 1: Always make sure that every step, like from going to toilet or bathroom in the morning, to eating, sleeping, meeting other people and everything even yawning, burping, farting all should be in juxtaposition with the upcoming movie. See it's related to money boss, if you make billions of rupees then even if you shit that shit should be crying for money whenever it releases your tummy. I only think about money and the box office success of my movies easily comes thereafter. Even for that matter, my **** with ex-*** and putting my **** into mental hospital were real promotional ideas.

Step 2: Do anything that will help you garner public attention. So put yourself involved in Narmada Bachao Aandolan before Fanaa so that your fans who hate Narendra Modi would want to see that crap movie. Keep a big moustache to promote your third rated movie 'Mangal Pandey'. I will continue to stay 100kg of weight till the release of Dangal.

Step 3: Make some controversial statement to gain attention. Like this time it's 'Intolerance in India'. So it will allow me to promote both my tv program 'Satyamev Jayate' and movie 'Dangal'. Forget 'Incredible India' campaign, I am not going to get a single penny from it.

Step 4: Release some negativity filled program like Satyamev Jayate to show you are a heart filled person for society. I can also artificially shed some tears for no reason which I have learnt in my child hood. If you closely look at my programs they either try to weigh on political changes or before release of my movie. For example, previous year Satyamev Jayate was released twice, one before election (don't want to tell why before elections or is it because Modi and BJP) and one before release of PK. This year there was no benefit in releasing Satyamev Jayate as there is no political event lined up or no movie is going to be released. But next year I would require to release it and therefore my marketing for Satyamev Jayate, now and Dangal later has begun.

Hope you guys have understood my promotional activities.

In short, the following are the steps for successful box office releases

Step 1: Lock your ass to money making ideas

Step 2: Do anything to gain public attention

Step 3: Comment crap but controversial on social issues

Step 4: Release some third rated program before movie release"

Pk 2 will be based on moving out of "ee gola to dusra gola" - Aamir Khan

Popular Bollywood film actor Aamir Khan confirmed that his statement that his wife wanted to move out of India is actually a promotion for his next movie PK2. He told India Satire correspondent that he would not move out of India but from the earth itself.

"Hum ee gola me se nikal ke uu gola ma jaayenge," entered in a character of PK, Aamir indicated to some planet in the evening "Hamaar wife Kiranwa batiya rahi thi ki uu ka mobies ka balue sirf aur sirf uu gola ma hai. Humka bhi laagat rahi ki ee golama abai kaafi kam log paagal rahai jo humka Dhoom 3 dekhai sakat hai. Uu gola ma jyaada kamaai hot rahi. Hum uu PK 2 ma Kiranwa ko leyi rahe hai aur uu ka leke dusra gola ma entry mare rahe hai."

Special Note: Anushka Sharma's make-up in PK was similar to Kiran Rao due to Aamir's fascination of carrying his wife everywhere.

In another statement, Aamir Khan told India Satire correspondent that he would like to loosen some burden of intolerant people on India and therefore he decided to picturize this PK 2 in some other country and finally after releasing the movie he will move to some other planet to release some burden on earth.

Movie Preview of Tamasha by SP Tulsian: Recommends Accumulate

(Not restricting ourselves to film veterans, we decided to ask few deprived and congested souls to give preview on upcoming bollywood movies. This time we bring to you India's most selling and most watched equity analyst Mr. SP Tulsian who has backed from his 14 months of wanwaas (forest living) to CNBC TV18. As the section is related to movies, we are not going to discuss the reason of his departure from and come back in CNBC TV 18. Just to give a clue, its related to his reversal of reverse recommendation strategy. We recommend our readers to consider his preview as reverse recommendation for Imtiyaz Ali directed film 'Tamasha'.)

SP Tulsian​

Hi guys,

I am very proud of being on India Satire (IS) to bring to you preview of movie Tamasha. Before talking about the movie first of all I want to clarify that IS is a total crap website which doesn't make any sense. This hopeless satire website always pulled out my legs by bringing my trading secrets in front of you. This crap web site, however, helped my investors earn huge money by using my pet reverse trading strategies and therefore I am giving movie preview on Tamasha.

Disclaimer: I disclose that I don't have any stake in IS, nor in ISIS and never in Tamasha.

My Preview guide of Tamasha

v  So guys I have studied the model of movie Tamasha directed by Imtiaz Ali in its plant visit to one of the small size and congested theatres in the town. The plant was very dusky just like any 'Bidi manufacturing plant' in India with a golden touch of a foreign country, my associate told me that this country was invaded by IS recently (Editor's Note: it's ISIS and not IS). Two workers, just looking like another bidi laborers in India with western attire, one male and other female were dancing and singing in the first half and crying and yelling in the second half while rest of the others were robotically moving behind them.

v  The entire business (movie) was highly labor oriented with a little focus on machinery part, although both the workers had tendency to convert themselves into machines to support the production process (again movie). This transmission was so superb and easy that most of the times I thought I was watching two robots working like real man and woman. Then I came to know from my assistant analyst that both were actually man and woman and they were connected to some other machine, which was operated by a curly hair man called Imtiaz Ali. Ali was also director of the movie. Assistant also told me that both these human beings have habit to act like robots.

v  So Ali controlled all the face expressions and body movements of these two workers using computer that was connected using bluetooth.

v  Story is simple, male robot and female robot meets each other carrying forward their face expressions from their past movies. They dance, sing and enjoys together in a city where Asterix and Obelix enjoyed few days of their lives. Now why Ali created a movie in the city where Asterix and Obelix stayed for a while? Because of rising intolerance in India.

v  The first robot becomes more perfect robot in the second half. So in the first half, the first robot which could also move his hands and shake his legs along with a single face expression provides rest to his body in the second half and stops moving his hands and legs. The other robot (female one) had beautiful eyes, staring expressionlessly at the first robot in the first half and allowing tears to flow in the similar kind of expressions in the second half. Hope that director knew what she wanted to illustrate through those perfect stares. So it's a story of second robot bringing first robot from perfect robot state to just a robot state while the second robot itself becomes the perfect robot in the climax.

v  There are 2 other robots in the background of the movie to keep mechanical tempo of the movie going. These 2 robots continually released robotic gases to provide the other two robots all the ammunition to yell, cry and shout insanely throughout the movie. Robots in the background composed the music and sang the songs. One robot whose name was AR Rahman not just cries and yells all from his single a$$hole but also he composed the so called 'music' for same. My grandfather was a big fan of his music in Roja and Bombay. Even my Pappa had listened and sang his music in Slum dog Millionaire. His habit to shriek and shout from his bowel has increased thereafter. There was another robot whose name is Arijit Singh needs a special mention here. My grandson started crying immediately during the movie after listening the Arijit's voice. Ali provided him cotton cubes to save strength of his ears. Just when we came out of the movie hall, my grandson pointed towards one donkey and started crying again. Since then my grandson is so terrified of Arijit Singh's voice that whenever he sees a picture of donkey he starts yelling and crying.

v  So Latha and Sonia (it's habitual), I am a bit depressed after watching Tamasha. If you look at the performance of Imtiaz Ali, as an investor I am not very happy. See it's like Reliance Industries whose performance is improving but market cap is tumbling while in case of Imtiaz the performance is declining while his pocket cash is increasing. If you look at consumer trend, 90% Indian cinema viewers love depressed and sadist movies and with a growth of 25% YoY. The market size of the depressed and negative movies is 85% of the total movies released. Tamasha has scored 99% of depression rate and I believe that the movie is ingeniously depressed and extremely sadist which I think would help in robust listing gains for the investors (producers) of the movie. However, long term sustainability is highly unlikely as there are very few movies which make you cry but also repeat watch.

v  As usual to any other AR Rahman music, background music is hummable but words in the songs are not. Be ready to listen to those words which you never have heard on this planet.

v  Rizwan Khan who first found out in My Name is Khan liked Tamasha and I believe many like him would also love this movie. For them I give 5 stars and for others its 1 star. By the way, message of secularism is that this movie has shot in Corsica and not in India.

(Satire)

Shahrukh Khan to act as a heroine in Rohit Shetty's next movie

Maintaining his gradual transmutation from great hero to new heroine, Shahrukh Khan revealed his new posture in Dilwale's lates song. The actor told media that he will perform as his heroine from next movies onwards and he has chosen Rohit Shetty's next unnamed film. Recently, Shahrukh Khan told media that he has three more films with Rohit Shetty in two of which he would act as a heroine.

"I always wanted to work in different movies, test my skills and explore the immense amount of sweat out of my acting. Earlier I have done different kind of roles like robotic acting, acting with ten packs and non-funny comedy roles. I have reached to the peak of my acting career as being a male actor and now I would like to see myself in a different career like career of beautiful heroine. You can see a glimpse of my heroine like looks in Dilwale's song 'Gerua'. I have completely removed all my hair except from eyebrows and skull, done good eye makeup like any beautiful girl and reached awesomeness of zero figure," said Shahrukh in a press conference while launching the song.

​King Khan said "Its a journey to become Queen Khan. In this journey, I only trust Rohit Shetty and his movies with immense amount of substance. He has a very professional angle and always boosted my energy with the roles that nobody has done in the history of Indian cinema. Therefore, I thought launching me as a heroine should be in safe hands. Rohit is a king of non-funny comedy cinema. He will definitely groom up me as a great Indian film actress. I will act as my hero in the first movie and Karan in the next movie."

According to a source close to SRK, Karan Johar inspired SRK to come out of his shell as a male actor. He also recommended SRK to wear pink and purple costume to understand nitty gritty being a perfect heroine. The source also confirmed that Tiger Shroff has nothing to do with SRK's decision.

(Fake News and satire)

Telecom companies offer free data packs for downloading full R-Rated torrent version of 'Spectre'

After the Central Board of Film Certification (CBFC) of India or popularly known as Censor Board decided to cut kissing scenes in James Bond movie 'Spectre', telecom companies and internet service providers (ISPs) in India announced free data packs for the users to download pirated full version of the movie on various torrent websites.

"We understand that Censor Board's rude decision to cut most important parts of the movie. If no kissing scene in Bond movie, what would viewer watch? Only thing that is watchable in James Bond movie is the kissing scenes. Therefore we decided to allow all of our users to download Spectre's R-Rated version from torrents at free of cost. This offer will remain for life time with limit of one download of the movie," said Paresh Nihalani, spokesperson of Bharti Airtel's media division.

 

(Fake News)

Digvijay Singh wary of rising influence of Mani Shankar Aiyar and Salman Khursheed in the Congress Party

Amid the race to reach the position of right and left hand of Sonia and Rahul Gandhi, Digvijay Singh camp is shattered by rising influence of a political duo Mani Shankar Aiyar and Salman Khurshid, said sources in Congress Party. An official source near the senior leadership of the party said that the party leader Digvijay Singh is chalking a strategy to counter balance the rising influence of both the leaders.

"It is disheartening for a senior leader like Diggy Chacha who throughout his life gave all the services without any return when opportunist leaders like Aiyar and Khurshid make such statements. The competition to become right hand of Sonia Madam and Rahul Baba is now intensely fierce and Chacha would do anything to win it," said the source.

Recently, Soniaji after Bihar elections announced a competition "My favourite second child" which if won would receive a certificate of Gandhi family loyalty and designation of right hand of the top party leaders. Runner up would get the designation of left hand of Gandhi family.

"Diggy Chacha was topping the race as his previous statement that 'Soniaji Desh ki Maata hai' made good impression in Madam's eyes. However, recent statements of Mani Shankar Aiyar who begged Pakistan to remove India's PM Narendra Modi and Khurshid's utterance that Pakistan PM Nawaz Sharif is apostle of peace clearly increased their influence. Now Chacha has to think of counter strategies to come back into the race," said the source.

According to secretary of Digvijay Singh, the top leader is expected to call a press conference today to announce few bomb blasting and lamb lambasting statements to come back to the race.

Story behind creation of 'Pinga' song for Bajirao Mastani

Recently, Bollywood Director Sanjay Leela Bhansali officially released one fourth Marathi and three fourth Hindi 'Pinga' song. The song is divided into two parts one Marathi folk song 'Pinga ga pori pinga' and the second one is 'latpat latpat'. Both these songs astoundingly merged in each other by the creative director Sanjay Leela Bhansali and more than #4$%%@%^@@%$ (Word used on Planet X$%2636 to describe more than superb) performed by Deepika Padukone and Priyanka Chopra.

The India Satire brings to you a glorious history of creation of this song:

300 BC: Sanjay Leela Bhansali invented RGB (red, green and blue) colours and their 457,460,265,920,626 variants and offered them to world at free of cost

385 BC: Sanjay Leela Bhansali composed pinga ga pori pinga song in a colour variant number 96,7,36 of RGB colour group which became popular folk Song in the same colour in Maharashtra

385BC-1739AD: Worked on the story of Sawaria

1736: Sanjay Leela Bhansali personally saw Kashibai and Mastani dancing together on an eve of celebration of some regional festival of women in Maharashtra. They both were inspired from the dance of Madhuri and Aishwarya in Sanjay Leela Bhansali's play 'Devdas'; However, SLB said that he was not satisfied with the dance as both kashibai and Mastani disinclined showing their underbellies

1739: Sanjay Leela Bhansali purchased story rights of Bajirao Mastani from Peshwa Bajirao with right of modification in colours sets costume

1930: Sanjay Leela Bhansali composed latpat latpat song in the colour variant of 0,92,0 of RGB colour group

1950: Sanjay Leela Bhansali sold rights of latpat song to his favourite student V Shantaram; V Shantaram learnt art of creating large unbelievable sets from SLB

1952: The latpat song was first shown in a Marathi movie Amar Bhoopali, with due permission of Sanjay Leela Bhansali

1974: Sanjay Leela Bhansali sold rights of 'Pinga' song again to his ardent follower and student V Shantaram

2015: According to sources on the sets of Bajirao Mastani, Sanjay Leela Bhansali asked Deepika Padukone to apply half a ton of Fair & Lovely fairness cream to look fair like Mastani did in the century of 1700s; he also lit up 560 watt Cisca LED bulb straight flashing on her face so that she should look Persian than imported Mastani from Combodia

2015: Both Kashibai and Mastani personally choreographed the dance of Deepika and Priyanka under the strict instructions of Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

This time Bhansali asked Deepika and Priyanka to show their tummies till underbellies so that his creativity would be clearly visible; it would look like both are real passionate in dancing unlike their original counterparts in circa 1700s.

Bhansali clearly told India Satire correspondent that he wants people to think story of Bajirao Mastani in 1700s was more a duplicate while the movie looks original and real

2015: Sanjay Leela Bhansali confirmed the correspondent that in 1739 probably ladies never wanted to clearly show their tummies but he signed an agreement with Peshwa Bajirao on deciding about costume liberally.

2015: Colours of sets: Different shades of green

Colours of the sets of the song decided back in 1990s when Sanjay Leela Bhansali liked semi light green colours of the greenery which grew near his toilet of the backyard of his house while light green and dark green colours are of his favourite underwears.

2015: Colours of costume: Different shades of green and brown

Costume colour of mob and other participants perfectly match with the colours of walls and doors. Sanjay Leela Bhansali used every variant of green colour in the saris of co-participants of the top actresses.

Bhansali took deliberate efforts to give equality to both the actresses by keeping Priyanka's sari colour dull and Deepika's sari colour flashy. He was aware that Priyanka would otherwise eat his dream girl by dancing better in the song.

Bhansali camp said that bold red colour for Deepika depicts new love while dull colour for Priyanka shows old love of Bajirao.

BREAKING NEWS: G-20 leaders vows to hold guns in their hands; catch and kill every animal of ISIS

November 16, 2015

Antalya, Turkey

In a major crackdown on terrorism, group of top 20 world's most powerful leaders personally decided to take guns in their hands and kill each and every terrorist in this world.

"Each and every leader will personally carry a hi-tech machine gun and will eliminate each and every terrorist from the world like thadddddd...thaddddd...... thaddd.....," said spokesperson of G-20 conference.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali asks banning Prem Ratan Dhan Payo for wasting so many colours in one movie; Lost eye sight for a while watching PRDP's premier

Mumbai: 13^th November 2015

Ace-Director Sanjay Leela Bhansali (SLB) demanded clear cut ban on Prem Ratan Dhan Payo (PRDP) for wasting valuable and scarce resources in the movie. Talking to India Satire correspondent, SLB asked Censor Board that colours are valuable natural resources and choosing each and every single unit of colour need thorough process of thinking for years.

"In Deewani Mastani song, I tried to show everything in one colour that is gold. You can't identify whether it is a man or a wall. Authentic and exotic colours are so scarce that before deciding for using gold colour in the song I had to do lots of discussions with creative people from earth and other planets. Even I needed to take permission from the governments of Planet-AC425O43, which is just 1500000 kms away from the mother earth. Here when I saw PRDP at i I lost my eyesight for a while. I can make an entire movie by picking out each and every single colour of the movie," said SLB after coming out of PRDP's special premier.

​SLB confirmed that in his movie, Bajirao Mastani he used 5 colours which was much more than any of his other movies and in his next movie he will use colours of Deepika's cleavage and her eyeballs.

(India Satire Correspondent reporting fake news)

Anish Kapoor is a chemically proven weapon to eliminate talibanism from world - Study

A medical study jointly conducted by US and European Institute of Medical Research recommends a chemical weapon with Alpha Omega Beta (AOB) element that only finds in intellectuals where brain only functions to reserve AOB and supplies it to hair while thought process comes from the knee area and for few from their asses. This AOB has tremendous capacity to eliminate talibanism from the world. The study says that the AOB element exceeds the maximal limit in UK based sculptor Anish Kapoor's brain and if used properly against Taliban, he would be very effective. Anish Kapoor recently wrote an article in Guardian about Talibani leadership in India.

"Rather than discussing about Taliban why don't we try to eliminate it from the world? Anish Kapoor has tremendous amount of AOB element in his brain. If we don't use this AOB element properly, the brain uses it for cultivating grey hair on the head. Rather than keeping him wealthy with hair we can take out a lot of AOB element to eliminate talibanism. He could be used as a great chemical weapon. We can inject him into missiles and fire them on the targets of Taliban," said study which advised US and British government to consider putting think tank Anish Kapoor into missiles.

"He could be used as many times as he has hair on his head. AOB is available in human brains only and there is no other natural source. We have never found so much of natural AOB chemical which is planted in Anish Kapoor in any journalist or intellects in the world, not even in Rajdeep Sardesai, Barkha Dutt or any Indian intellectual," confirms study.

Research: Rajdeep Sardesai changes his face expressions by 180 degrees while interviewing Anupam Kher and Naseeruddin Shah

Rajdeep's face expressions 'Contest mark with Anupam Kher and Question mark with Naseeruddin Shah'

An independend research conducted by AC Nielsen shows that Rajdeep Sardesai amazingly changes his expressions by 180 degrees while interviewing bollywood stars Anupam Kher and Naseeruddin Shah on the topic of intolerance in India.

Rajdeep Sardesai interviewing Anupam Kher

"While asking questions to Anupam Kher, Rajdeep's face expressions where like he wanted to ask questions and wanted to give answers himself. However, when he was interviewing Naseerji, Rajdeep just wanted to ask what he wanted Nasseruddin Shah to answer. Totally unbiased and although subtly different. Means you can't identify a single iota of difference in his expressions, still a lot of difference," said Vijay Gupta of AC Nielsen, who conducted the research.

Rajdeep Sardesai interviewing Naseeruddin Shah

According to Gupta, Rajdeep's eyes expressed contest mark against Anupam Kher and question mark in front of Naseeruddin Shah.

"Both the expressions are difficult to give but Rajdeep and all the media anchors of NDTV, Aaj Tak and ABP News are mastered those expressions," said Gupta "It is difficult for any normal person to change face expressions by 180degree. However, when media anchors interview Narendra Modi or Raj Thackeray kind of people then it becomes difficult for them to take a 180 degree turn."

According to a source in India Today TV Channel, Rajdeep Sardesai cried for half an hour when Naseeruddin Shah said that his name was Naseeruddin Shah and therefore he was getting such a kind of threats. However, final video was edited on the television and You Tube.

(Satire and Fake News)

Why NDA lost Bihar? BJP's Think Tank analyses BJP's election mayhem

BJP's think tank announced reasons why it lost Bihar elections

6 Key reasons why BJP lost Bihar elections

1.    Beefs not allowed to vote

2.    Award returnees voted secretly in Bihar elections

3.    Lalu Prasad Yadav warned Biharis if they dont vote Grand Alliance he would show all Ravi Kishan's movies at one go

4.    Nitish Kumar promised voters that he would leave Bihar for Delhi elections next time

5.    Arvind Kejriwal told Bihari voters he will start living in Bihar if they don't vote Grand Alliance

6.    Rahul Gandhi warned Biharis that he would become Prime Minister if they don't vote Grand Alliance

Government imposes VAT on the word 'intolerance'

Harshly reacting to loss in Bihar, NDA Government has announced value added tax on the word 'intolerance'. Law Ministry's circular released today morning said that a person who claims himself intellectual or anybody related to mainstream media or movies, or is professional writer and activist or casual reader and chit chat guy will have to pay 20% duty or Rs 20,000 whichever is higher if he/she rakes up the word 'intolerance' through the means of pen or mouth.

"This word (intolerance) has divided the country and also affected brains of Bihari voters which led to firecrackers on the streets of Pakistan. Use of word 'Intolerance' is a scarce commodity in a democracy like India which if used in an illegal manner creates serious consequences in the country. We also believe that as the use of word 'intolerance's is excessively used in India, it provides an opportunity for the government to generate additional revenue and bridge fiscal deficit," said a press release signed by India's Law Minister D. V. Sadananda Gowda.

Explanation - In short it means 'SHUT UP AND AVOID SAYING ANYTHING LIKE INTOLERANCE'

According to finance ministry official, revenue collected through value added tax on word 'intolerance' would cut fiscal deficit to GDP by at least 1.5% in FY16.

Entire film fraternity returns all the awards for allowing 'Prem Ratan Dhan Payo' release; citing overdose of Hindu nationalism

Overdose of Hinduism in Prem Ratan Dhan Payo

Entire Indian film fraternity, mostly promoters of secularism and tolerance announced returning all the Filmfare and National awards, protesting the decision of Censor Board for allowing Prem Ratan Dhan Payo's (PRDP's) release in Diwali this year. According to media sources, many film makers and actors infuriated because of a lot of Hindu cultural coverage in the movie which would probably hurt sentiments of minorities for making them isolated and feel dejected.

"This movie has a full of communal contents for 3 hours like marriage process in Hindu religion, appeasement of Hindu Gods and a lot of promotion of Hindu ideology. Everything is Hindu while other religions are totally ignored. The movie neither carries a message of cultural shift from Hinduism to other minority religions nor a message to Indians to be tolerant on Pakistan policy in the entire film. Our Indian culture believes in tolerance and love but the movie promotes Hindu nationalism and RSS ideologues and therefore we decided to return awards," said a press release issued by the Movie Makers And Actors Grid.

The list includes a lot of big named movie film makers and actors.

In an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent, movie director Farah Khan said "I am also going to return my Oscar Award that I received for making Tees Maar Khan."

Sensex and Nifty to give up their rallies in protest of rising intolerance in India; GDP and Fiscal Deficit thinking on the similar lines

India's leading benchmark indices Sensex and Nifty decided to return their rallies started after the announcement of Narendra Modi as Prime Ministerial candidate of India. Both the indices told India Satire correspondent that they will return to September 13 levels when BJP officially announced Mr. Modi as PM candidate.

"We also want to contribute to award waapsi movement. Now that we are up by more than 35% since the announcement, we decided to give up all the returns and decline to pre announcement levels. We can't bear the rising intolerance in India and therefore we appeal all the key participants traded in us should return their price gains," an official release by Sensex and Nifty released today.

Sensex and Nifty were at 19733 and 5851 levels respectively when announcement of Narendra Modi as PM candidate came. According to a source in Central Statistical Organisation (CSO), India's GDP and fiscal deficit along with other indicators are also thinking on the similar lines.

HUL launches 'anti intolerance cream'

Indian FMCG major, Hindustan Unilever Ltd. (HUL) has launched anti intolerance cream 'Fair and Tolerant Crème' for intellectuals and seculars in India. The product will reduce intolerance levels in India and will be marketed among the affected people of society which include movie stars, film producers, authors, scientists, and intellectuals. All the affected sections of society welcome the cream.

"Our anti intolerance crème 'Fair and Tolerant Crème' will help reduce the rising levels of intolerance that were constantly affecting several parts of brain of a large sections of society. The product currently launched only in Mumbai, Delhi and Bangalore at Rs 12,999 per 10gm and will be available across India in next 2-3 months," said HUL spokesperson in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

The spokesperson continued "The crème could be used on the parts of brain. For that the affected person and his family member needs to open his skull and personally reach out or ask any family member to apply that crème to the painful marks and scratches on brain. It is a very simple process."

​To demonstrate how the cream works, the spokesperson opened a blue-colored laser pen and floated it around the replica of brain in which the India Satire correspondent could clearly see many germs of intolerance. The spokesperson then applied some 'Fair and Tolerant Crème' on the affected parts and his laser pen showed significant reduction in germs by 99%.

"This is a big revolution in the century. Nobody now will need to return his award," said spokesperson.

A section of society, which contributed to independent 'award waapsi' movement welcomed HUL's product.

"HUL has taken a great step today. We witnessed many scratches on our brains and minds due to rising intolerance in the society. Now that the crème is launched, I can't wait to rub it on my brain and reduce the levels intolerance," said popular movie director Dibakar Banerjee. He also demanded government to return his award which he had returned under award waapsi program to protest against Government's intolerant stand in FTII.

Many other movie stars, authors and scientists confirmed that they will also use the cream to get matters fixed. When asked about pricing of the product, all of them confirmed that the cream is available at very inexpensive price and the company should be in a position to push adequate inventory to affected people. However, when the correspondent asked them about pricing of the product for people who actually are affected due to intolerance and not intellectually affected like them, one of the intellectuals said "That's government's responsibility to check how it reduce pain of affected section. They need cream and not crème at reasonable prices or may be free of cost. My responsibility is to check my own head which was pained due to Dadri Lynching and needs to heal it properly at whatever price."