Producers of bollywood movie Mastizaade, Pritish Nandy and Rangita Pritish Nandy have offered Rs 1000 to every movie audience for laughing on every so-called double meaning joke in the movie. The offer is valid for theater watch only. If anybody wants to avail the offer kindly enquire at the ticket counter of each theater.
Nation publicly asked Reserve Bank of India (RBI) Governor Raghuram Rajan to focus only on one thing and don't change topics from one to another.
"Boss! GDP growth, fiscal consolidation, intolerance, banks finances and what not topics you always talk about. Kindly keep your focus on only one thing from above and don't change every now and then," said nation in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.
The nation said "Look at Rahul, he is focusing only on religious sans caste problems, Arvind Kejriwal only on suckism by union government and Sonia Gandhi only on Rahul. You want to talk on everything you read on Google News. Please calm down and don't boil my heart rate and just talk about only one thing. I have allowed only Arnab Goswami to talk on any issue whether he understands or not."
Major blue chip indices in India rose more than 1% today as huge losses piled up in some minister's portfolio, which led to announcement of minimum support prices (MSP) to Sensex and Nifty. The government declared MSP of 7200 to Nifty and 24000 to Sensex and asked every IAS officer to buy at whatever levels rather than sleeping in the office.
"The government yesterday announced Rs 5000cr price management fund just in line with the price management fund for food. Minister Sir sent us a clear instruction that follow SP Tulsian and Sudarshan Sukhani since morning and whatever stocks they tell the audience just buy them. Just punch the orders and buy at whatever prices, kill the bears, kill the valuation and kill the fundamentals insanely till he comes from Davos," said an IAS officer, requesting anonymity.
Sensex and Nifty couldn't perform well since Prime Minister Narendra Modi took charge of the office. However, riding on Modi wave, the sources said that all the ministers invested huge money in the markets. The sources said that all the IAS officers would be provided with trading terminals and asked them to punch orders immediately if any stock falls.
Note: If you can't see SP Tulsian on CNBC TV18 just visit his website sptulsian.com to take inspiration of buying something and selling something.
After North Korea's invention of hangover-free alcohol, its sister country Pakistan immediately invented cancer proof liquor to complete the logical end of invention. If both mixed together, a cancer proof and hangover free liquor is actually made and serve to people, said Pakistan's official source.
"Pakistan has helped North Korea in the past in terms of invention and research. North Korea invented nuclear and hydrogen bomb using our research papers and now if they want to invent something big for the humanity then Pakistan would not stay behind," said Ashfaq Hussain, Executive President of Pakistan China Institute, the newly-formed think tank "Research and Development International (RANDI)".
According to Hussain, RANDI has extensively used uranium and plutonium to reduce cancer risks from liquor.
"Anybody who takes sip of uranium and plutonium filled liquor would never have cancer risks," said Ashfaq Hussain.
According to India Satire source, China will supply newly invented bottles with nipple on to further compliment inventions of North Korea and Pakistan.
Most beautiful Mom of India, mother of naughty and cute daughters, model of Santoor soap will celebrate her 17th birthday today.
"Wow I thought she was a teenager, but what I found is mother of 4 cute babies," said Ms. Asha Sharma, an accomplice of Ms. Shraddha Srivastava who were having general chit chat and gossiping in Santoor ad "However, we came to know she was having 4 little babies after one of them came to her saying Mummy Mummy."
According to sources the Santoor aunty is having her 17th birthday celebration and will invite all those who confused by her age.
"She still looks 25 years old and not 17," said Ms. Sharma "Now I am confused that after using Santoor soap would I look 10 years older than my current age."
An aam aadmi Pappu Pandey was arrested by Haryana Police for laughing on the joke made by Piku Sharda on a respected Godman on a television show 'Comedy Tights with Pupil'. Pappu Pandey was held from Timbaktu after Godman's disciples came to know he was laughing while watching the show on the TV.
"What was there in that show for laughing so loudly? We Haryanans never laugh while still this guy was laughing on a joke made on our Godman. We came here to Timbaktu as a complaint was lodged against Pappu for laughing over some unnecessary joke by this Piku," said Haryana Police Inspector Randeep Hooda.
Next time Manmohan Singh will have to think before laughing
It is said that Pappu will be released when the respected Godman would come from his shooting and after that he will consider Pappu's apology and will take back his complaint. According to government sources of India Satire, the government is likely to release the contours of freedom of laughing in just few days.
(P.S.: Reporter of this story was arrested for reporting this story by the disciple of the respected Godman)
Now you don't need to wonder where these Mumbai local train ticket checkers, popularly known as TCs, Mamu or Master go for rest of the month after taking a random check on some random day of the month. A sting operation carried out by India Satire correspondent Pappu Pandey reveals that TCs who work on any random day of the month cleans platform, toilets and wash basins every day. Pappu carried out a month long sting operation putting his life at stake on a busy railway station in Mumbai. He tracked all the movements of ticket checkers and their behavioral pattern. "Yes, we work as sweepers for rest of the month. Just for some 'upar ki kamaai' we become TCs on some random day which is decided at the meeting in our Indian Association of Sweepers-cum-TC office. Who would like to do that shitty stuff of checking tickets otherwise?" said Ramakant Sharma, a TC who was in an attire of vest and brief (chaddi-banyan) while sweeping the platform.
A man in living in Borivali recorded his name in Guinness Book of World Records by taking his selfie in overcrowded Virar to Churchgate local train. According to our correspondent, Pappu Pandey who is famous for getting into Virar-Churchgate train on Borivali station and Churchgate-Virar train on Andheri station has added a new feather to his cap. Yesterday in a pack train he pulled out his mobile phone from his pocket, lifted his hand till his waist line and in a fraction of minute towards his face and clicked a selfie. Everybody in the train stunned and congratulated him for his achievement and loudly applauded.
"Just by lifting his mobile phone from his pocket in that crowded train, Pappu recorded his name in the Guinness Books, taking selfie is next leg," said Champak Sharma, Pappu's companion in the train.
Architect of innovative mind, Aam Aadmi Party Chief and Chief Minister of Delhi Arvind Kejriwal finally decided to provide rest to his brain on even days while flow of allegation and rhetoric will not come on odd days. According to AAP sources, Kejriwal has taken this important step to reduce rising thought and noise pollution in Delhi.
"We received a lot of complaints from Delhi people who couldn't cope with the speed of Kejriwal's hyper active brain, which activates every next second. They feel that so much of thinking, ideas and innovations have actually polluted their own minds with jumble the thoughts," said AAP leader Ashish Khetan "Many Delhites told us that they are not yet matured enough to understand ideas that come in Kejriwal's brain. They also feel that they believe Kejriwal's allegations and rhetoric as much as they believe God's words. However, so many propaganda points are difficult for them to digest in one day and therefore they requested Arvind to do something."
Khetan told India Satire correspondent that immediately Arvind Kejriwal's brain started working and found out a new idea that he would allow his brain to think on odd days and create rhetoric on even days. However, this formula will not be applied on his radio and tv ads and they would run each and every minute to keep Delhites aware of his brain is continuously thinking something.
US based Comedy Central channel, which also has operations in India bought all the telecast rights of Arnab Goswami's News Hour debates from Times Now. The struggling India operations of Comedy Central urgently needed to increase its TRP in India and was searching for great comical content to generate more audience. As per India Satire sources the channel has offered huge money to Times Now promoters BCCL to get rid off Arnab Goswami.
"He is great comedian. Every night instead of Comedy Central I watch his shows in the prime time," said Ferzad Palia, Executive, Vice-President and Business Head, English Entertainment, Viacom18, sole owner of broadcasting rights of Comedy Central "I think News Hour on Comedy Central will be a great combination. We will keep laughter on each and every sentence of Arnab Goswami."
As per the sources to India Satire correspondent, News Hour debates will be on air from tomorrow evening. Formal announcement of shutting down 'Friends' will be made today evening, said the source.
In a sudden and totally unprecedented turn of event, a Mumbai local train commuter Pappu Pandey realized he was buffalo in his past life and recalled beautiful moments of that life. Pappu was travelling in the Virar to Churchgate local train and got into the train from Borivali station with a lot of efforts.
"Ah! Baaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh Bwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhh, said Pappu when he was sandwiched between 4-5 people in the compartment," said an eyewitness who was standing near door of the train "The pressure was so high that he closed his eyes and entered into his past life and started talking in buffalo's language,."
Pappu pleasantly recalled how he was sandwiched between 2-3 buffalos in a cargo train when those compartments were filled with 100s of buffalos that time and how all these buffalos arranged the tight space without irritating others.
"Local train is quite difficult bet," said Pappu in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent "Those were the days when we used to feel specific shitty smell and lots of wide space despite more number of buffalo commuters than people in local train. We used to play antaksharis with lots of bwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh songs just like Arijit Singh. But in my current life, human beings are very pathetic commuters."
All the satirists in the world took an oath in Global Conference of Satirists Stupidists that they would remain politically correct every time they write any satire. The event was arranged on the eve of first year anniversary of an attack on Charlie Hebdo.
Every satirist took an oath, "Humour sucks/Satire yucks! There is no need to make satire on each and everything from here onwards. We will remain politically correct and screen each and every satire before posting it to website/blog/anything that could be made public. Our satire will be against those who are soft like a loath of bread who never respond/react on anything written about them, e.g., Barack Obama."
A man's wife, Albert Einstein look alike Kiran Rao is fine with the idea of terrorists attacking India and killing people and said there was no need to leave the country for now, confirmed her husband Aamir Khan.
"She has issues with few things, else she is fine with the country," said Aamir Khan in an exclusive interview to Barkha Dutt "Killing soldiers by terrorists is not an act of intolerance, therefore she is fine with it."
Aamir Khan told Barkha Dutt that yesterday when the couple was having coffee in the night his wife, Kiran Rao confirmed that such kinds of attack were just as routine as they were in the time of Congress government and therefore they didn't offer reason to leave India.
NDA government has decided to let Congress Party operate Parliament for one entire day to pass all the pending bills, including most important ones such as goods and services tax and land acquisition bill.
"See as it is they are not going to allow us to pass any important bills. So better let them function one entire day of parliament and pass all the bills," said Parliamentary Affairs Minister Venkaiah Naidu.
Naidu told India Satire correspondent that he went to Congress President Sonia Gandhi requesting her to support impending bills in Rajya Sabha.
"She told me that she doesn't feel to pass anything as she is not on the left side of chairs in Rajya Sabha. Therefore, we decided to give them opportunity to handle parliament for one entire day and pass the important bills for the economy. However, we don't know whether we will support them in passing the bills," Naidu confirmed.
A day after North Korea successfully tested a hydrogen nuclear device, Pakistan launched destructive tamaatar bomb through its advanced Shaheen missile. Developed jointly by China and North Korea for Pakistan, tamaatar bomb is highly destructive weapon in its artillery. According to Pakistan's military sources, the bomb is made of tomatoes and makes enemy embarrass when launched on him. "It is a nuclear bomb and each and every tamaatar seed separates and creates bad smell and impression on the enemy," said Pakistan Army Chief General Raheel Sharif. He said "Next time Pakistan is going to develop world's most lethal weapon 'anda bomb'."
IT WILL HELP EVACUATE INDIANS FROM TERROR SPOTS
Indians demanded specific dates from Government of India to be declared before any peace talks and resultant terror attacks by terrorists. Indians told India Satire correspondent that specific dates in hand would help them evacuate places where terror incidents would happen.
"We have no issues if Indian government wants to do anything to Pakistan but boss before doing it just send us the calendar of Modi's upcoming surprise visits, peace initiations and thereafter resultant dates of terror attacks with specific places where these events going to happen. We don't care what bullshit Pakistan wants to do, we care what Indian government is going to tell us," said an Indian frustrated with an idea that everytime when India initiates peace talks Pak army and terrorists plot terror attack.
"Boss! That is what we know from our childhood. Whenever we are going to offer them friendly hand they would send few nasty terrorists to kill the talks. So if I know this, you know this, government know this, Pakistan know this, its army know this and terrorists know this then why the hell Indians don't know where the terror incident is going to happen. We have no issue if you like them to attack repeatedly on us, but at least tell us they will attack us here or wherever, we can evacuate that place and save our life," Indian told Indian government.
India's Mangalayan (Mars Orbiter) would come back to India and will take all Indians to planet Mars, as Earth remains a major challenge for them and their lives. Government of India told India Satire correspondent that the vicious cycle of cuddling Pakistan government and after that Pakistan army would send terrorists to India to conduct terror attacks should be broken down and therefore it has decided to send all Indians to planet mars and settle them till India's talks with Pakistan successfully completes.
"Hopefully, Pakistan has not reached to mars and therefore we decided to secure Indians from the attacks on India by sending them to mars. Pakistan army and terror outfits are 1000 times stronger than us and we also worry the delicacy of matters. As my father told me in my childhood that we need to continue talks with Pakistan and face the resultant terror attacks, thats fun for Pakistan. But I believe it would be better evacuate Indians from India and send them to mars so that fun would be limited for them," said India's home minister Rajnath Singh.
Rajnath Singh confirmed that talks with Pakistan were important for unknown reasons and therefore to save Indians from unknown attacks government had gone a step ahead by deciding their livelihood at mars.
India's National Security Adviser Ajit Doval revealed a shocking input to India Satire correspondent that Pakistan's strategy is to derail India - Pakistan peace talks as per the intelligence inputs he received from Intelligence Bureau and RAW.
"I just came to know this shocking revelation. IB chief and RAW chief personally told me that if India initiates peace talks with Pakistan, Pakistan army asks terrorists to attack India for unknown reasons. And my sources told me that Pakistan is using this strategy for years, however, we Indians were not aware about it," said Ajit Doval.
Doval confirmed that earlier he believed peace talks means something plain vanilla talks, however, he was not aware about this totally a new revelation that Pakistan's army doesn't want these talks to happen and therefore kill innocent Indian citizens.
"Now as we came to know that whenever we initiate peace talk they would certainly send terrorists, we can device a new strategy. See, we will tell them we want to talk and they will send terrorists and we will capture them, this way we can capture thousands of terrorists," said Ajit Doval.
