Arvind Kejriwal to use power of grayskulls

After getting slammed from 200 powerless bureaucrats for suspending 2 officials, Arvind Kejriwal has decided to use his secret power of broom. Arvind Kejriwal who is also known as Prince Adam on the planet of Eternia will hold his secret Broom of Power at the secluded place of Delhi and will transform into He-Man to vanish all the evils from the entire mankind, including PM Narendra Modi and FM Arun Jaitley. Earlier, he used this power in 2002 to tarnish universe's another evil creature "Skeletor".

"Arvind Kejriwal will hold the Broom of Power aloft and will proclaim "By the Power of Grayskull!" he is endowed with fabulous secret powers and will be transformed into Indian He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe," said Aam Aadmi Party leader Ashish Khetan.

​Together with his close allies, Ashutosh (who undergoes a similar transformation from being Arvind's intelligent pet person to extraordinary creature of the universe), Kumar Vishwas, and Manish Sisodia, Kejriwal will use his powers to defend Delhi from the evil forces of Narendra Modi.

"The Arvind Kejriwal tortured by the Modi by using his secret pawar. Now we all crechers of Eternia will come to the original being human form," said Ashutosh, Arvind's most trusted man in the universe.

Ashutosh confirmed India Satire correspondent that Doremon asked Arvind Kejriwal to transform in his original form.

Looking back at the biggest news stories of 2015

Reported by Alien4dec

India Satire special correspondent Alien4dec reports the important developments and events of 2015.

Let's glance at 2015 with humble eyes

Jan: Indrani voted as 'Personality of the Year'

Playboy, America's men lifestyle and entertainment magazine declared Indrani Mukerjea as the 'Personality of the Year'. Amongst many high profile contenders she grabbed the top spot defeating Dawood, Bollywood and Hollywood.

Feb: Bollywood legalises same-plant flower marriage

Bollywood becomes the first ever cinemas to legalize same plant flower marriages which are shown during love making scenes. LGBT community welcomed censor boards bold yet compassionate decision.

March:  Sunny Leone joins Bollywood, Porn banned in India

Taking preventive measures, government banned porn, since Sunny Leone applied for ration card in India along with permanent citizenship of bollywood.

April:  Humble 'Cow' declared India's national animal.

However, in an unexpected twist, the humble 'Cow' emerged as 'National animal of India". Post, save the Tiger campaign by India, now the number of Tigers have grown significantly and in order to avoid extinction of cow, immediate law was passed in both the houses of parliament basis the PIL filed by Maneka Gandhi, environmentalist and animal rights leader in India, to ban the slaughter of the cow and declare it as the national animal, which led to massive debates online and offline, spiraling into the 'beef controversy'.

May: Twitter "Most Eligible Bachelor" Polls

Salman Khan registered a massive mandate as "Most Eligible Bachelor" in Twitter polls, winning 67 of 70 votes defeating the congress party politician Rahul Gandhi.

June: Patanjali withdraws noodles from stores across India

After being banned in several states across the country, following an outbreak of accusations that its instant noodles packet contained no maida and therefore harmful for people with unhealthy diet and who want to improve their immunity,

"Patanjali Ayurveda ignored the improved immunity of people due to eating maida," said a spokesperson of rival brand. Patanjali decides to take noodles off shelves all over India.

A statement issued by Baba Ramdev said: "The trust of our consumers and the safety of our products is our first priority. Unfortunately, recent developments and unfounded concerns about the product have led to an environment of confusion for the consumer, to such an extent that we have decided to withdraw the product off the shelves, despite the product being safe."

July: Tamil Nadu floods

After watching, Sajid Khan's super flop Himmatwala in Chennai, Aamir Khan cried out so loud that entire city, experienced flood crisis as the actor could not stop crying and all the rivers and lakes overflowed, rail tracks and runways were flooded and roads collapsed. Many victims have suggested that Aamir Khan should leave India due to extreme intolerance amongst people for his torrential tears. The 50 years old actor said, "I am highly emotional person and could not stop my tears after watching Himmatwala and this movie should be banned permanently to avoid any further floods in India".

Aug: Free Petrol distribution by Arvind Kejriwal

On 1st Aug which is worldwide celebrated as Girlfriend's Day, CM of Delhi, Arvind Kejriwal declared a scheme of free distribution of 4 liters of petrol every year to each Delhiites having even number plates on their vehicles to mark the birth anniversary of King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia who had more than 25 wives.

Rahul Gandhi leader of singleton along with several Engineers marched India Gate to protest this decision, obviously we all know the reason, and neither he nor engineers have any girlfriend.

Sept: Govinda named "TIME Person of the Year 2015"

The most influential magazine named film actor Govinda as the "Time person of the Year", who has been known for consistently coming late to film shoots for more than two decade.

Oct: Best Actor Academy Awards

The Academy Awards, commonly referred to as the "Oscars" is an annual American awards ceremony honoring cinematic achievements in the film industry. Surprisingly, this year Italian-born Indian politician Sonia Gandhi received this honourable award for her outstanding contribution as an actress in leading role in Indian politics.

Nov: Google CEO Sundar Pichai to join Indian Cricket Team

While speaking to India Satire correspondent, CEO of Google, Sundar Pichai, said that in his childhood he always wanted to be a cricketer and after watching legend Sachin Tendulkar play for India, he was determined to lead the Indian cricket team. So, finally on children's day, he quit Google to join the Indian Cricket Team and represent as the Captain of the team.

Dec: Earth to end on 31st Dec 2015

Last Christmas, yes the world shall celebrate their last Christmas in 2015 since, NASA in a breaking news declared that world will come to end on 31st Dec 2015. So, all the citizens across the world are enjoying and partying like never before, since all school, colleges and offices are closed permanently.

(Reported by our special correspondent Alien4dec. You can follow her on Twitter and LinkedIn)

Donald Trump clears throat

After issuing many controversial statements against minorities and Hillary Clinton, US Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump cleared his throat and allowed his mouth to release nitrogen and oxygen gases.

"Although, he cleared his throat it is not confirmed that he wouldn't say anything in future," said spokesperson of Republican Party "All the previous statements allowed him to clear his throat and release some gases stuck in his gallbladder. Finally as he released every word, it was time to release these gases and cleared his throat."

According to sources, Donald Trump has eaten something yesterday and again filled with more gastric juices to release them soon.

(More stories in World and US section)

Indian Government allows India Pakistan cricket series to play with cricket bat handle

Under a serious confidence building initiative after PM Narendra Modi's short haul at Lahore, Government of India allowed BCCI to conduct India Pakistan cricket series. To begin with, the government allowed players of both the countries to play with the cricket bat handle, then with stumps and finally if everything goes right with bat.

"Indian government asked us to play with the cricket bat handles as a starter and to support the beginning of the new dawn between India and Pakistan relationship," said BCCI President Sashank Manohar "Pakistan's government had already allowed us to play an Indo-Pak series and now as Indian government has cleared the proposal we are working on other nitty grities like permission of ICC, talking to ESPN Star and other sports channel companies for selling the rights of live streaming of the match."

Shashank Manohar in an exclusive chat with India Satire correspondent told that the board has sent the message to Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) chairman Shahryar Khan to prepare for the series between two countries.

"He was very happy with the positive development. He told me that even if Indian government had allowed Pakistani cricketers to land on Indian pitches and play with grass they wouldn't have any issues," said Shashank Manohar.

President told correspondent that there wouldn't have been any impact on the probable revenue for both BCCI and PCB from Indo-Pak series even if the government had allowed them to play using grass.

Sonia Gandhi lays new foundation stone of Congress Party at new location on old foundation day

Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi layed a new foundation stone of Congress Party at a new location on its 131st foundation day when the first time somebody layed it somewhere. The party president told Congress party leaders that this time the foundation stone would built new story and it would remain durable for next 131 years.

"Last time I changed foundation stone in 2009 and still couldn't locate where it was now. This time you guys will remember where the new foundation stone is located. I can't everytime dig and put that heavy thing into that dirty pit hole. Also this time you guys take oath that you will start thinking logically and wouldn't stay irrational like you were since 131 years. For that you will be more honest and loyal to me," said Sonia addressing Congress party leaders.

Finally, she put red tika on Rahul's forehead and told him "Vijayi Bhava!"

Ministry of Tourism launches 'Congress Darshan' campaign under Incredible India

Ministry of Tourism (India) added a new chapter to its initiative to make India as a dream destination for foreign tourists. The ministry launched 'Congress Darshan' campaign under its well touted Incredible India brand.

"Congress Headquarter is identified as an Eighth wonder of the world and heritage site," said Tourism Minister Dr. Mahesh Sharma "It is a funniest site in the world to watch out for."

According to ministry sources, articles in Congress mouthpiece slamming Jawaharlal Nehru and Sonia Gandhi's father, with a senior leader attracted many eyeballs in the world. Sources also confirmed that many people in the world want to see such a real funny circus in India.

"They want to see Pappu (Rahul Gandhi), they want to see Soniaji and their main attraction is Sanjay Nirupam saab," confirmed Dr. Sharma "It will be a tour for people who want to see funny things and laugh out loud."

Santa Claus Narendra Modi gifts goodies to Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and his grand daughter

(Santa Claus Narendra Modi surprisingly visited Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif and offered him a lot of goodies on the eve of Christmas and on his birth day. Santa Claus also arrived to give his blessings to his granddaughter on her wedding. Reacting to Santa Claus' visit to Pakistan, here in India Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi and Vice President told media that they will sit on muka satyagraha till the time they know what Modi gifted Nawaz Sharif in secret.

Reacting to Santa Claus' visit, Rahul Gandhi said "I was waiting Santa Clausji for whole night on Christmas but I wasn't aware that he went to my old age look-a-like. Mummy, I want same gift Santa Claus gave it to Sharif Uncle, (crying in Arijit Singh's voice pyaaannnnnn…. pyaaaannnnn).")

Global climate in danger till Arvind Kejriwal's tape stuck on CBI raid - UN Chief Ban-Ki-Moon

United Nations warned all the countries that global climate is again under serious threat as Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal still stuck on to CBI raid issue.

"Global climate will not improve till Kejriwal takes some new topic. All people in the world are standstill only on CBI raid," warned United Nations Chief Ban-ki-Moon "World moves with new topics of Arvind Kejriwal, which give free and fresh air of entertainment and fun to general public. But Mr. Kejriwal is still stuck up on CBI raid which has blocked fresh air and exhausted everybody with pollutant gases. To release these pollutant gases and reduce global warming, we sent a request to Delhi's CM that kindly choose some new topic for time pass so that world will again start moving."

Ban-Ki-Moon also requested all the member countries of United Nations to send request to Arvind Kejriwal to find a new topic for the time pass of world.

Arun Jaitley's wife disapproves his telephone bill; sends it to select panel

In a second consecutive shock to India's finance minister Arun Jaitley after bankruptcy bill moved to select panel, his wife Sangeeta Jaitley disapproved his telephone bill and appointed a committee to refer it. According to sources close to Jaitley family, Arun Jaitley is under a serious mental trauma and seeking expert opinion to counter both the situations.

"Passing a money bill, like bankruptcy bill is far easier than passing any spending bill from our malkin," said Ramu Chacha who keeps Jaitley family's house clean.

Ramu Chacha told our correspondent that Jaitley came back home with huge frustration of not even money bill getting passed in Rajya Sang a and was presented to the select committee. Generally, money and finance bills are easiest bills to be passed by any government of India and according  to sources referring bankruptcy bill to select committee has devastated Arun Jaitley. Further his wife's controlled measures to reduce ever increasing telephone bills of Jaitley created double headache to India's finance minister.

Ramu Chacha told India Satire correspondent that after a lot of arguments and counter arguments, Sangeeta Jaitley referred the bill to a committee formed under her children and few loyalists including Ramu Chacha to decide on whether to pass the bill or not.

Hindustan Unilever launches Surf Ultra CauliFlow washing powder to clean cauliflower

Good news for Indian housewives! Now you don't need to worry how to clean dirty cauliflower which is also called phool gobi in english. You neither need to shave it off accurately with your knife nor need you to keep it in steamed or boiling water for one hour. India's leading FMCG company, Hindustan Unilever Ltd. (HUL) has launched a washing powder under the brand namer 'Surf Ultra CauliFlow with extra fairness' yesterday in a packed press conference. The product will be available in all the leading stores and super stores soon. HUL confirmed that the washing powder will be available everywhere in India by January 26, 2016.

"Surf CauliFlow with extra fairness not just cleans your cauliflower but also removes all the germs and provides extra glow and fairness to it," said Pradeep Sharma, marketing and campaign manager of Surf CauliFlow "It has very powerful microgranules and fairness extracts to which cleans every dirty particle and gives fairness to the vegetable."

"See this cauliflower, it is now 99.99% clean and white," Sharma demonstrated the process to India Satire correspondent, Pappu Pandey. He injected an HUL made and HUL used blue colour pen into cauliflower but when removed it became white.

​HUL's initiative has received positive response from Indian housewives, reported the correspondent.

"HUL has done a great job for us. It was always a very complicated thing to clean cauliflower and who knows where germs are hiding in that tasteless vegetable," said Maya Mamta, an Indian housewife resident of Kolahabad in WPUB colony "Now cleaning cauliflower is a very easy job for me."

4 Steps/Guide to clean cauliflower using Surf CauliFlow with extra fairness

1)    First take a bowl of warm water add one spoon of surf caulflow powder with microgranules (means granular powder with red, blue, green, and yellow particles) into it and some fairness extract used in HUL's flagship product Fair & Lovely

2)    Don't put even a single granule more into spoon else your cauliflower will become transparent

3)    Put your dirty and ridiculously textured cauliflower into it and keep it somewhere in the bathroom for half an hour

4)    After half an hour remove cauliflower from that dirty mixture clean it with any Vim bar (with Sau Nimbu Waali Shakti) using brush you just some time back used to clean your utensils or clothes

5)    Look at your cauliflower now its best beautiful and extremely fair

So how does the cauliflower cleaning process work by using Surf CauliFlow with extra fairness?

v  Microgranules suck its dirt and what not kind of useless things attached to that hopeless, tasteless and useless cauliflower

v  Fairness extracts along with micro granules remove all the dark blackheads from it and brings back its natural glow and fairness

Disclaimer: If you don't want to do all these things then do whatever things or don't eat it

(Fake News/Satire)

Government to show Dilwale if opposition doesn't allow parliament to function

New Delhi: 21-Dec-15

There is positive news for Indians who were waiting for parliament to complete its pending legislature in next 3 days, as the government managed to take opposition parties on its side. According to sources, the government in yesterday's all party meet threatened all the leaders of opposition parties that it would show them Dilwale movie continuously non-stop for next 3 days if they don't budge to government's persuasion on passing bills and continue with their protest on paltry issues such as National Herald case. Prime Minister Narendra Modi in yesterday's all party meeting told Congress Party Chief Sonia Gandhi, Vice President Rahul Gandhi, Samajwadi Party Chief Mulayam Singh Yadav and many other leaders that its last time for them to agree on government's intention to pass all pending bills or else all these leaders along with their fellow parliamentarians would be punished by showing Dilwale. According to a source, Sonia and Rahul immediately agreed to the terms of government and told PM that they are ready to go to jail for National Herald scam but can't watch the movie. Even, Mulayam Singh Yadav gave his unconditional support, fearing the revolt in his party fellows.

​

From the Archives - Story behind creation of 'Pinga' song for Bajirao Mastani

Recently, Bollywood Director Sanjay Leela Bhansali officially released one fourth Marathi and three fourth Hindi 'Pinga' song. The song is divided into two parts one Marathi folk song 'Pinga ga pori pinga' and the second one is 'latpat latpat'. Both these songs astoundingly merged in each other by the creative director Sanjay Leela Bhansali and more than #4$%%@%^@@%$ (Word used on Planet X$%2636 to describe more than superb) performed by Deepika Padukone and Priyanka Chopra.

The India Satire brings to you a glorious history of creation of this song:

300 BC: Sanjay Leela Bhansali invented RGB (red, green and blue) colours and their 457,460,265,920,626 variants and offered them to world at free of cost

385 BC: Sanjay Leela Bhansali composed pinga ga pori pinga song in a colour variant number 96,7,36 of RGB colour group which became popular folk Song in the same colour in Maharashtra

385BC-1739AD: Worked on the story of Sawaria

1736: Sanjay Leela Bhansali personally saw Kashibai and Mastani dancing together on an eve of celebration of some regional festival of women in Maharashtra. They both were inspired from the dance of Madhuri and Aishwarya in Sanjay Leela Bhansali's play 'Devdas'; However, SLB said that he was not satisfied with the dance as both kashibai and Mastani disinclined showing their underbellies

1739: Sanjay Leela Bhansali purchased story rights of Bajirao Mastani from Peshwa Bajirao with right of modification in colours sets costume

1930: Sanjay Leela Bhansali composed latpat latpat song in the colour variant of 0,92,0 of RGB colour group

1950: Sanjay Leela Bhansali sold rights of latpat song to his favourite student V Shantaram; V Shantaram learnt art of creating large unbelievable sets from SLB

1952: The latpat song was first shown in a Marathi movie Amar Bhoopali, with due permission of Sanjay Leela Bhansali

1974: Sanjay Leela Bhansali sold rights of 'Pinga' song again to his ardent follower and student V Shantaram

2015: According to sources on the sets of Bajirao Mastani, Sanjay Leela Bhansali asked Deepika Padukone to apply half a ton of Fair & Lovely fairness cream to look fair like Mastani did in the century of 1700s; he also lit up 560 watt Cisca LED bulb straight flashing on her face so that she should look Persian than imported Mastani from Combodia

2015: Both Kashibai and Mastani personally choreographed the dance of Deepika and Priyanka under the strict instructions of Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

This time Bhansali asked Deepika and Priyanka to show their tummies till underbellies so that his creativity would be clearly visible; it would look like both are real passionate in dancing unlike their original counterparts in circa 1700s.

Bhansali clearly told India Satire correspondent that he wants people to think story of Bajirao Mastani in 1700s was more a duplicate while the movie looks original and real

2015: Sanjay Leela Bhansali confirmed the correspondent that in 1739 probably ladies never wanted to clearly show their tummies but he signed an agreement with Peshwa Bajirao on deciding about costume liberally.

2015: Colours of sets: Different shades of green

Colours of the sets of the song decided back in 1990s when Sanjay Leela Bhansali liked semi light green colours of the greenery which grew near his toilet of the backyard of his house while light green and dark green colours are of his favourite underwears.

2015: Colours of costume: Different shades of green and brown

Costume colour of mob and other participants perfectly match with the colours of walls and doors. Sanjay Leela Bhansali used every variant of green colour in the saris of co-participants of the top actresses.

Bhansali took deliberate efforts to give equality to both the actresses by keeping Priyanka's sari colour dull and Deepika's sari colour flashy. He was aware that Priyanka would otherwise eat his dream girl by dancing better in the song.

Bhansali camp said that bold red colour for Deepika depicts new love while dull colour for Priyanka shows old love of Bajirao.

Gandhiji met me yesterday evening, wants me to take CBI under my fold, become PM of India - Arvind Kejriwal

Aam Aadmi Party Chief and Delhi's Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal confirmed that he had a very frank meeting with Mahatma Gandhi yesterday who came to meet Kejriwal to discuss the deteriorating level of politics in India.

"Gandhiji came to my house yesterday to have a very candid discussion about politics, movies and sports. He asked me about my opinion on today's politics in India and recent Bollywood movie releases, Dilwale and Bajirao Mastani," said Arvind Kejriwal "He warned me about the declining level of decency in politics and told me to take charge of India's democracy."

Arvind Kejriwal in a press conference was telling media after he tweeted about Government-CBI nexus to finish parties who don't fall in line. Arvind Kejriwal told media that Gandhiji also met his wife Sunita Kejriwal and his children and discussed many scathing issues.

"This is my third important revelation. Yes, after Arun Jaitley's expose and my meeting with CBI official who told me about government's intent, I confirm you, Gandhiji met me yesterday at my house and he wanted me to become India's Prime Minister immediately and to take CBI's control in my hands," said Kejriwal "Nobody else is so honest and peaceful person like me in the world, Gandhiji told me."

According to Kejriwal's doctors, Arvind Kejriwal these days has built a new kind of habit to create different world, talk to invisible items, calls his wife Modi Modi.

"For aam aadmis, it is called Schizophrenia but for Arvind Kejriwal, it is called political strategies," a doctor close to Kejriwal informed.

Narendra Modi throws remainder of water of Bhagwant Mann's glass into dustbin; Congress, AAP slams his inhumanity

Congress Party slammed Prime Minister Narendra Modi for throwing out left over water of the glass he offered to Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) MP Bhagwant Mann into dustbin. The party leader Sonia Gandhi claimed it as a seriously inhuman action and asked Modi to apologise. Aam Aadmi Party leader Arvind Kejriwal asked a nationwide protest against the government.

"It was inhuman. This way Mr. Modi has proved that he has no feelings for opposition leaders. I can only say we are in a state of emergency and intolerant government is operating in India," said Ms Gandhi.

When asked about Modi's gesture of offering the water to Mann, she said "That was okay, everybody does that. But throwing water in front of him whom you offered it just now is seriously inhuman and Mr. Modi has set a bad precedent."

Yesterday, PM Modi offered a glass of water to Bhagwant Mann, AAP's Member of Parliament in the Lok Sabha, who was protesting against the CBI raids on the Delhi Secretariat. Mann, who was shouting slogans, felt uneasy and was apparently looking for water when a smiling Modi offered the MP his own glass. Mann accepted the glass of water readily and gave it back to Modi after some water left over in it. Modi took the glass back and threw water into dustbin immediately before settling that glass on his desk again.

"Modi just now proved what I said earlier in my Twitter account," said Arvind Kejriwal "I call the nationwide protests for this act of intolerance."

Main stream media is also expected to take up the incident in today's news debate shows and many prominent Indian ideologies are expected to return their awards.

Twits of prominent personalities on Narendra Modi's act

Rajdeep Sardesai: If I was in his place, I would have drank it before saying Gnight

Sagarika Ghose: Internet Hindus, apologize me for being indifferent to me

Barkha Dutt: Is there a conspiracy against Indian minorities?

Arvind Kejriwal slams Bhagwant Mann for feeling uneasy while protesting

Aam Aadmi Party Chief and Chief Minister of Delhi summoned party's Member of Parliament (MP) Bhagwant Mann for feeling uneasy while protesting against the CBI raids on the Delhi Secretariat. According to a party source, Mann will be asked to tender his resignation immediately.

"How is it possible Mann feels uneasy while he was doing his favourite work? Boss, joining AAP means you should first start shouting and protesting for days. That is the basic requirement, Mann should have learnt it from Ashutosh," said Arvind Kejriwal.

The party source told India Satire correspondent that Kejriwal wanted to set an example to other party co-workers that if they stop shouting on any medical grounds then they will be thrown out of the party.

"Everybody is born shouter here and if you can't use your ass to shout properly then you have no place in AAP," said the source.

Lollypop to close Arvind Kejriwal's mouth is yet to be invented - Sources

Sources confirmed that a lollypop that could keep Aam Aadmi Party Chief and Chief Minister of Delhi Arvind Kejriwal's tongue busy is yet to be invented. Sources said that the invention work of the lollypop was earlier outsourced outside India but now under make in India plan will be transferred to Indian companies. However, the process will take some time and it would be difficult for Indians to get a relief from his tongue.

"His tongue is a bit sloppy and slips every now and then," said the source "It is not the problem of his village roots as he told you guys but some weird chemical reactions directed from his tummy which is filled with few mysterious and crappy worms. His tongue whacks each and every time whenever the worms crawl in his large area of stomach. Since, Krrish Mehra's father scientist Rohit Mehra was killed by Kaal, nobody else was capable of working on the formula of this lollypop."

Lab testing report concluded that Kejriwal's tongue is more dangerous and difficult to manage compared to India's first Manvar, Kaya.

"It is more slippery than Kaya's tongue," said the Lab Manager, Rajendra Kumar.

The source told correspondent that worms in his stomach became stronger after he completed his first yoga schedule and rather than his throat they started targeting his tongue. The source confirmed that it would be very difficult to get rid of his tongue in a near term.

Arvind Kejriwal to commute on broom stick

Swati Gupta

Delhi: 15-December-2015

After Hon. Supreme Court's order to ban diesel vehicles till March 31, 2016, Delhi Chief Minister announced sacrificing his wish to buy SUV after he ditched his good humble Maruti Alto.

"I am going to use broom to travel everywhere in Delhi," said Kejriwal in an exclusive interview to Swati Gupta "Every God uses his logo to travel, where am I wrong? I will sit on broom and fly vrroooommmm."

According to party sources, brooms will be supplied to all Delhites excluding middle class people based on the income levels and their weights to allow everybody to travel by AAP's logo.

(Reported by our journalist Swati Gupta)

Gauri Khan slaps Shahrukh Khan after watching 'Dilwale'

Gauri Khan, wife of Bollywood King Shahrukh Khan slapped him hard after watching his upcoming release Dilwale, said movie sources. The sources told India Satire correspondent that the event happened at the time of the first trial that was shown to Gauri Khan at Rohit Shetty's mini theatre located in Bandra.

"After watching the movie when Gauri came out of mini theatre of Rohit Shetty, Shahrukh asked her how did she like the movie. Without answering his question, Gauri immediately first slapped his right cheek and then left cheek," said a sweeper of Rohit Shetty's theatre who was also present when the unfortunate incident happened.

She was so furious that when she raised her hand for another slap, Shahrukh said sorry to her and promised her that he wouldn't do such a kind of crap and third grade movies like Dilwale again, the source informed.

Movie Preview: Chakor gives preview of Sanjay Leela Bhansali's Bajirao Mastani

(We have invited Chakor who is also very close to movie director Sanjay Leela Bhansali since his child hood. He took most of his teachings from Chakor.)

​Ee aisan hi kuch dhaai hazaar saal pehele ki baat hum kare honge. Hamaar potee Leela hamaar paas aakai hamaar godi main ek nanha jachcha bachcha diye rahai.

Uu bachcha total hi alag tha. Jaisen Chanakya ko bachpan me daat aaye gawa the waisen hi ee bachcha ka muh pura dadhi muccho se bhare huye tha.
Jaisan hi uu bachche ko humne godi mein uthaye wo hamaar sachool ka uniform dekh ke "beelu-beelu" chillana chalu kiya, tabhaise hamebhi pata chala ki ee badmash bada hokar hamaar naam roshan karaiga.Aaj bhi humka yaad rahai rahe ki uu din Sunday tha aur eesi waaste humne uu bachche ka naam Sanjaywa rakha.Tabaise hum Sanju baba ko apne godi me khilaye rahai hai.
Sanju baba kabhai bhi sachool nahi gaya. Uu toh kauno aur gola se padh likhke aaye rahai. Aaj eesi hamaar shishya ki filam ka bislesanwa karne me humka bahutan hi proudwa sa feel huye rahai hai. 

Ab hum uu ka nayi mubie 'Bajirao Mastani' ke baare me baat karat hai

Movie Preview of Bajirao Mastani

v  Sanjaywa hamesha se hi hum ka sabai se pahele uu ki har koi mubie dikhawat rahe hai aur agar hum naahi haa bolat rahe to uu kisi aur ko bhi dikhawat nahi hai. Uu ki ee Bajirao Mastani toh humka Saabaria se bhi jyaada pasand aaye rahe. Lekin humka ek cheejan ke bare me samajh na aawat hai, Sanju hamesha hamaar gola ke logan waaste mubie banaawat rahai hai toh kaa ee correct hoga ka ki hum apne ne perspectibe se ee mubie ka prebiew denge?

v  Toh ee mubie ko Sanju baba ne kuch dui hazaar saal pehele likha rahe aur uu ke hisaab se pehele ee mubie ki kauno ajeeb se gola ki bhasha me serial bhi banawat rahe hai. Kauno ajeeb si Marathi bhasha rahe hai. Uu serial wa ee mubie ki copy rahe hai. Aap ko andar ki baat batawat hai ki ee Bajirao aur Mastani bhi ee gola pe teen sau-chaar sau saal pehele Sanju baba se pehele puch ke aaye rahe hai.

v  Toh ee mubie me eek saath do lub story chalte rahat hai. Eek lub story dibaar ki hot hai jisme eek dibaar ko dusre dibaar se pyaar hot hai aur unka beech me tisri dibaar aat rahe. To peheli dibaar dono dibaar se shaadi karat rahe hai aur un tin dibaaro me se do dibaare girat rahe hai aur tisri dibaar jinda rahat hai.  Sabai dibaare mast dikhat hai, sabka upar Sanju babane chudiya aur gehene pehenaaye hai.

v  Dusri lub story teen insaano ki hot hai jiska dekhna kauno jaroorat ka kaam naahi hai. Humka laagat rahe ki mubie me logan ki jaroorat hi naahi thi. Uu serial me to kauno dibaare nahi thi, uu me to logan hi logan the isiliye uu serial flopwa huyi gayi. Lekin hiya apna sasura Sanju baba ne dibaaro se acting karwayi rahi aur logan to aisan hi hiya uha ghumat rahe. Sanju baba ne to humka promise kiye hai agle time wo dibaar ko hi lega aur logan ko naahi.

v  Baaki ee mubie me kuch aur log bhi kaam karat hai, jaisen Bajirao, Mastani aur Kashibai. Lekin humka uu dibaar waale gaane me (Deewani Mastani) toh Bajirao ke peeche waali dibaar ki acting bahutan hi pasand aayi rahi. Uu ka colour bhi sabhai ke colourwa se mel khaat raha tha. Uu Mastani toh itna dibaar se mel khat rahe thi ki hum kuch der ke baaste confusewa gaye the ki ee sasur ki naati dibaar to nahi. Uu gaane me humka ekai hi defectwa mila, Bajirao jauno kursi pe baithat hai uu me se ek kursi ka pair ke neechle tale me eek taraf se eek chota shisha gaayab huye rahai. Humne Sanju baba ko uu defectwa bataaye diya aur sasure ne humka promise bhi kiye rahai ki agli baar wo thik waali kursi mangayega dusre waale gola se.

v  Baaki to jyaada humka baat naahi karne ko milegi. Bhaiyaaji hamaar khilaf saajish kare hai ki hum school jaaye lekin hume to aur hi kaamo me ras rahe hai (conspiracies, time pass, bitching and gossiping). Ee mubie se pehele toh ka do chashme pehen ne padenge. Eek me se logan dikhenge aur eek me se dibaare. Eek special chashma bhi pehene rehena padega kyoki uu Mastani aisan kaahe waste dekhat hai ye pata karne ke liye.

Spaceship arrives to take Aamir Khan found two other aliens, Shahrukh Khan and Deepika Padukone

Swati Gupta

Delhi: 15-December-2015

A spaceship arrived at Mumbai from P.K.'s planet (gola) to take Aamir Khan (P.K.) found two other aliens Shahrukh Khan and Deepika Padukone on the earth. According to spokesperson of P.K.'s gola who also administered the spacecraft's landing on the earth told India Satire correspondent that P.K. had become so outsized that despite having 10 accomplices, they couldn't fit P.K. into spacecraft. He told that it was all disheartening till they saw their two other mates, who are called Shahrukh Khan and Deepika Padukone on the earth.

"Hum to soche rahai the ki hum uu gola kabhai waapis naahi jaayenge bina P.K. ko liye. Par hume ee gola pe hamaar gola ke dusre jeev jantu deekhe. Eek ka naam S.K. (Shahrukh Khan) rahai aur dusre kaa naam Piku (Deepika Padukone) rahai," said spokesperson R.K. who along with P.K. earlier arrived on the earth at the time of climax scene of movie P.K.

R.K. said that he identified both these elements from specific identification marks.

"Uu Pikuji P.K.ji jaisen dekhat rahai aur ee Shahrukhwa ke pet pe P.K. jaisen 16 biskut rahe hai," said R.K. in a single deep breath.

R.K. continued "Uu P.K. gudbag toh ka se kaa hui gawaa, ekdum aikai saal me dancing car ban gaya. Hamaar gola kaa eek eek aadmi ko laage rahe ki P.K. aur uuka bife ko ee gola mai sabhai log pareshaan karat rahai. Hum to uuka lene aaye the, par uu sasur ka naati to ee tashtari me fit hee naahi hua. Fir hamaar register me humne do aur logan ki entry dekhi. Ekai S.K. rahai aur dui Piku rahai."

R.K. told correspondent that one alien who calls himself as Shahrukh Khan and flashes his unnatural 16 packs body exactly looks like P.K. Currently, he has just returned from his visit of Patal Lok to complete his trilogy of crap movies, Chain (he clarifies hindi wala sukh-chain wala chain) Nahi Express, Happy Few Tears and Millwale, after which he was supposed to become their native.

​"Shahrukh is very popular in Patal Lok due to his zombie like looks and we are not going to allow anybody to take to any other planet," said security officer of Patal Lok.

P.K.'s accomplices would face similar problems with Piku's takeover.

Piku's eyes and body exactly looks like P.K. She stares like P.K. and like him she has a strong aversion for a device known as clothes on this gola.

​High similarity of Piku's eyes with PK

"Piku ka soch bilkul P.K. jaisan hai, eekdum hamaar gola ka prani jaisan. Parantu uu ka bhi kauno problem rahi hai. Eekai sanstha jauka naam CRY hai uu ke liye Piku kaam kare hai. Piku uu sanstha ki bhuke nange bachcho ke liye jo kaam kiya jaat hai uu ka duut rahe hai. Hum toh ab sochai rahai hai ki hamaar baaju waale gola ka Thor ko bole ki ee sabai jeev jantu jo hamaar gola ka ees gola pe hai unkaa lekai aao," said R.K.

Our correspondent Swati thanked Alien profusely, for his efforts to take away his gola ka prani.

(Reported by our journalist Swati Gupta)

CBI raids AAP's office to find unnatural rise of Arvind Kejriwal's tummy

Swati Gupta

Delhi: 15-December-2015

CBI raids AAP's office to confiscate all the goodies Arvind Kejriwal had been eating since he became Delhi's Chief Minister. CBI was baffled that despite of his annual month long yoga holiday, how come this man's body measurement has been increasing by leaps and bounds, since he has taken CM's oath, according Comptroller Auditor General of India (CAG) issued serious concerns in the report submitted to Parliament of India. CBI has some traces that culprit could be fodder supplied by Lalu Yadav. Now, as Arvind Kejriwal's dwelling is sealed, he is heading directly towards demolished slum site and is going to sit on maun dharna.

General opinion of Delhites have built that instead of sealing his office, CBI should have sealed his mouth, as he opens it either to eat or to blabber and complain, reported Swati Gupta. According to sources, Kejriwal in his inner circle showed a tremendous amount of happiness as he had got to do his favorite activity, dharna, for taking away his dwelling along with slum dwellers. Rahul baba told our correspondent that railway should not seal AK's office. It has no sympathy for poor aam aadmis.

(Reported by our journalist Swati Gupta)

Fed Chairperson Janet Yellen to take guidance from Indian analysts; their responses post rate hike leaked

Swati Gupta

Washington D.C.: 14-December-2015

Before rate decision in Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC) meeting on 16th Dec, US Federal Reserve's Chairperson Janet Yellen has decided to take guidance from the group of intellectual journalists and analysts in India. The panel consists of eminent names from India viz., Udayan Mukhrjee, Shankar Sharma, Latha Venkatesh, Sudarshan Sukhani, SP Tulsian and Anuj Singhal.

"Yellen loves our advice and we love giving it at free of cost," said Anuj,  most fashionable analyst of CNBC TV18 who practically visited salon and spa to colour his face, straighten his hair and beautifully threaded his eyebrows "Or else who in India would take us seriously?" Anuj also bought a range of lipsticks to create his first influence on Yellen.

While official reason behind inviting these eminent panelists is unknown, according to unofficial sources Fed Chairperson knew that her confirmed rate hike requires validation from few immensely natural bears.

The Fed source said "Only these people could give her all the fuel to prove she was right in raising rates. However, Sonia Shenoy was excluded from the panelists due to her cheerful and happy face irrespective of market directions. Yellen wants hardcore bear tinge before taking any decision on rate."

India Satire correspondent leaked the ready arguments of all the distinguished panelists that would be told by them in interviews over rate hike decision at FOMC meeting

·         Sudarshan Sukhani - "Market has its own mind, stay cautious."

·         SP Tulsian - "Market will remain volatile (as if we don't know)."

·         CNBC TV18's most energetic anchor, Latha Venkatesh starts jumping with excitement over rate hike and answers in highest decibel possible for human beings - "Fed is going to follow my recommendation."

·         Anuj, (confused what is going around but has to prove himself as an intelligent journo/analyst) - "Market will remain range bound in the course till expiry. Don't do anything for next 4 years, stay away from markets."

·         Udayan (with extremely grim expression on his face, though it's very natural and regular on any occasion) with some depressed intellectual bantering, completely dodges question, warns retail investors for volatility and advises them to remain invested for the long term and confuses the person who had asked the question.

·         Shankar Sharma - "See I told you during 2002 only, to sell India, Fed is going to hike interest rate because of NDA government in India."

(Reported by our eminent journalist Swati Gupta)

Asterix and Obelix arrive in Mumbai to scold Director Imtiaz Ali

Swati Gupta

Mumbai: 14-December-2015

India Satire correspondent Swati Gupta found famous cartoon characters, Asterix and Obelix along with their friends at busy International Airport of Mumbai, searching for Director Imtiaz Ali who directed epic movie 'Tamasha' recently. Imtiaz Ali infuriated them for dumping two unnaturally underweight species in Corsica; both are doing some abnormal activities across the town, Asterix and Obelix travelled years back.

"Where is Imtiaz Ali? Where is that person who directed crap 'Tamasha'? I am not going to let him live peacefully," said Asterix whose eyes exactly looked blood thirsty like Deepika Padukone's in Bajirao Mastani's Deewani Mastani song. He told India Satire correspondent that he had filled his tummy with Getafix's magic potion and Obelix was also excited to scold Imtiaz Ali's collar.

​"I want to nip every evil in the bud before using name of places where we (Asterix and Obelix) lived or where we travelled," said Asterix "How dared he show Corsica in a bad light? Now if anybody wants to travel Corsica, he would think that only people with tiny brains visit the town. Even the IQ level of Obelix is 100 times superior to the director and his counterparts," said Asterix.

According to source, while Obelix not only wanted to scold and torture Imtiaz Ali for making such a movie but also wanted to check whether main star cast with aggregate weight of 40kgs exist on the earth. The source also told correspondent that Obelix track India quite well and wanted to wring the necks of fat intellectual boars of Mumbai apart from Imtiaz Ali. Their friend, Dogmatix wanted to bite schizophrenic protagonist and leading female character for imitating him in the first half of the movie. Both these characters of Tamasha made some controversial actions which could have hurt the dog community, according to the source. They also decided to take music director A.R. Rehman and singer Arijeet Singh with them to Gaul and tie them around the tree and free their bard Cacofonix for being much more tolerable.

(All inputs reported by our special correspondent Swati Gupta from Mumbai)