Africa is begging Kanhaiya Kumar to first complete his research work - Report

Report from our African correspondent suggests that African countries are badly demanding JNUSU President Kanhaiya Kumar to complete his PhD on Africa and then start other things. The countries which include its people and politicians are all desperate to see Kanhaiya in Convocation suite holding a beautiful Certificate of Doctoral in his hand.

"They are eager to call Kanhaiya a Dr Kanhaiya Lal," said India Satire correspondent Tagdumba Thombu "But this guy is going into the topics which are nonexistent in the nature for any African countries. Africans are losing their hopes on him, before showering him as a dharti ka lal who grabbed PhD on Africa. But he wants to do something India. The Africans now started thinking that he wanted easy PhD without doing any studies."

According to the correspondent, African delegates have sent a request to meet PM Narendra Modi, pushing for some real pressure on Kanhaiya to start studying, at least now.

God asks Kanhaiya Kumar to solve Somalian issues first then start new ones

​Watching his credibility and role of launching a new freedom movement for something in India, God personally sent his representative to Kanhaiya Kumar asking him to go to Somalia and resolve its pending issues first. The Somali Republic or Somalia is a war torned country in Africa is under dire conditions since the civil war erupt in 1991. God pushed for earliest resolution of Somali war which started from the freedom movement by overthrowing Siad Barre regime.

"These guys always start new kind of nuisance in some fancy name like 'freedom movement', 'revolution', 'rebel' and so on so forth. After starting these useless things they move some other places," said God's Head Clerk Chitragupta who personally came to meet Kanhaiya Kumar, a new star born in India "What star or new star? First tell him to finish the backlog of earlier freedom movements started in Somalia, Egypt, Syria, Lybia, Lebanon and Iraq. How the hell he could start a new movement before finishing off the earlier ones."

Chitragupta informed India Satire correspondent that reason behind Kanhaiya's work on Africa is not grabbing PhD but starting RcD. Enlightening about the new word RcD, Chitragupta said it's Revolution-cum-Destruction of the country.

"These communist mentalities want freedom from everything. Just 2 days back they protested in the heaven for 'freedom from potty'. I want to tell him ki kyo dimaag chaat raha hai yaar," said Chitragupta.

According to sources, during the meeting Kanhaiya Kumar completely denied that he ever heard such a thing called Chitragupta or God and told the representative of God that he is on mission to free world with one country at a time.

"Its not my job to resolve issues. My job is to start new issues. When everybody will become revolutionary, communist and maoist then I will believe that the world is free now," Kanhaiya told Chitragupta.

State Government's Rule vs President's Rule

The India Satire brings you a detailed comparison between State Government's Rule and President's Rule.

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Everything you should know about Uttarakhand crisis and President’s Rule

​Following is the guide which gives a detailed glimpse of Uttarakhand crisis and President's rule imposed by Central Government.

What was the issue all about?

·         9 Congress Party MLAs of Uttarkhand wanted to go on sabbatical to show their wives a new world, which ex-Chief Minister didn't grant. Giving the reason that his intolerable hair oil constantly freeze their noses, they removed the support of the government.

·         When asked about giving them sabbatical, Harish Rawat said "What the f*ck?" Giving f*ck to these rebel Congress and hungry deprived BJP MLAs for Uttarkhand chair, the speaker said "Appropriation Bill is passed," opening a new chance for self f*cking.

·         These MLAs (including BJPs) moved to Governor KK Paul for some chit chat and checking whether sending Harish Rawat on sabbatical was possible. "Marie biskut was extremely soggy and fell into my cup of tea;" said one of the BJP MLAs who was present at the meeting "Blame it on Harish bhai."

·         Paul scratched his head and thought something and muttered "Hmmmm... This Harish guy is too oversmart, that day his wife was outshining mine and he was laughing. I will show him his place." and asked the government to prove his majority before the yearend holiday.

·         His Personal Assistant complained "Paul saab isn't giving me compensatory off although I had overtime that day before typing that letter in the blood of the democracies' body."

·         Prime Minister Narendra Modi called urgent meeting of cabinet to discuss the issue and take steps. He presented facts in front of Rahul, Sonia Gandhi and asked their support. "Mummy I don't like Harish uncle's hair oil. It is way too stingy," Rahul opens up first time in the closed door meeting and asked Sonia Gandhi to take steps. "Don't worry Raul Baba! Randip (not Hooda, its Surjewala) issue the statement that its murder of democracy. Modiji, go ahead and let Rawatji sit in his home having a serious make over from his wife."

·         Today, Harish Rawat found carrying handbag carrying a small chit of paper which has given by his wife, Renuka Rawat. Message on the paper was "Bring 1 litre milk, 1/2kilo baingan, 1/2kilo gobi (saaf ki huyi), 1kilo tamaatar aur 2 kilo aaloo. Put the money unspent in my purse."

So what is President's rule?

President's rule is imposed by Central Government if State Government does anything unconstitutional. So what is unconstitutional? Any act which is not having been mentioned in 395 articles, 12 schedules, 25 parts and 117,369 English words of Constitution of India is unconstitutional. So any government that darns these 117,369 English words could be ousted by Central Government and brings a peaceful President's rule.

What happens under President's rule?

Nothing specific. Ousted party calls it murder of democracy. You may get some free sops and enjoyable luxurious things from central government apart from daily media coverage.

How's life under President's rule?

Great! You feel like you are in USA. You don't need to work. You get salaries at home. You can buy anything at free of cost. Beautiful girls come to you and propose you. Lovely corruption free life. If you are thinking all these then forget, nothing changes under President's rule. Only change is the name in Government's schemes.

Nostalgic Jihadi remembers his 'suicide bombing - suicide bombing' game of childhood

​Just before bombing one of the parks in Pakistan's province Punjab, Jihadi Al Ashfaq Rehman remembered the suicide bombing - suicide bombing game he played with his childhood friends and became nostalgic, reported Pakistan media.

"He just wiped out his tears from his eyes and confirmed his colleagues that he played this game in his childhood with his best friends," said a source present when the incident happened.

"That time it felt great when we wore that leather belt with small Chinese plastic bombs on it and jumped while shouting dhadaaam dhoooom," said Rehman "But I don't find those friends now. One of my friends joined ISIS, one joined Al-Shabab, and another one is at Lashkar-e-Taiba. I really miss them."

Donald Trump challenges Kim Jong-un in open sumo wrestling fight in a final attempt of US Presidential elections

Republican candidate of US Presidential elections, Donald Trump challenged North Korea's head Kim Jong-Un in an open fight of sumo wrestling before proving his worth as a president of United States of America. Both will fight in WWE ring and would try to eliminate each other from this deadly earth. Kim Jong-Un has accepted the challenge while Trump has shown his excitement.

"This deadly battle is to save the planet from deadly aliens landed in North Korea. First I will f**k the hands of Kim, lift him over my head would throw him into the audience of United States of America. 'This is my battttttllllllleeeeee'," said Donald "First I will prove my candidature by eliminating Kim then after becoming President I will challenge Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif, another different planetary substance."

Another candidate Hillary Clinton has challenged ISIS head Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in a sumo wrestling championship. Before the real fight she will have practice match with existing US President Barack Obama to try her punches and kicks on.

Rahul Gandhi sits on a Bournvita strike till his wax statue installed at Madame Tussauds

Following the news that after PM Narendra Modi, Aam Aadmi Party national convener and Delhi chief minister Arvind Kejriwal is set to see himself in wax at the iconic museum, Madame Tussauds, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi demanded his mother to ask those museum guys to build his statue as well. The Gandhi scion threatened Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi that he would not drink Bournvita and eat pasta in nasta till he sees the wax replica of him the light of the day.

According to a source who was present in 10 Janpath reported India Satire. The source was cleaning tiles while Rahul came to Sonia Gandhi and asked her to take steps to make his wax statue.

"Mummy mummy, I will not drink Bournvita," said Rahul Gandhi looking at a glass of hot chocolate in the hand of Congress Party General Secretary Digvijay Singh, as reported by the source "No Diggy Chacha! Now even Kejru's statue will be in Madame Tussauds, ab kya Ashutosh ka statue lagne ka wait karu?Mummy mummy kuch karo na mera bhi statue lagwao na."

The source confirmed that Sonia Gandhi made every effort to console Rahul Gandhi to drink that Bournvita and told him that installing that bloody wax statue is not in her hand.

"Raul Baba, please drink Bournvita, it's good for brain and body. It has Vitamin D and woh dudh ki shaaktee badhaata hai," said Sonia Gandhi "At least eat pasta."

When Rahul refused to eat Pasta, unwillingly she asked Digvijay Singh, "Diggyji, Queen Elizabeth ko phone lagaaiye."

Shashi Tharoor searches history books to find something similar between Shaheed Bhagat Singh and Kanhaiya Kumar

After punches from ruling party BJP and Twitteratis for his comparison between Shaheed Bhagat Singh and JNU great Kanhaiya Kumar, Shashi Tharoor hurriedly went through all the historical books including 'Discovery of India' to prove his point, said sources of his office.

"Since Shashi saab came from that interview, he is going through many books in the library maintained at home," said Ram Lakhan who keeps Shashi Tharoor's floor clean and library up to date "I never found him searching something so desperately even to prove his innocence after death of Sunanda Memsaab."

Scathing criticism came to Shashi Tharoor's way after he said that both Bhagat Singh and Kanhaiya Kumar looks similar without disclosing from which angle. Ram Lakhan confirmed that after that desperate statement Tharoor couldn't wait to come to some conclusion that at least one thing would be similar.

"He is trying to find that at least once in his life, Bhagat Singh might have done something natural in open just like Kanhaiyaji has done in front of a woman," said Ram Lakhan " just to prove his point. Else nothing is similar from any angle between these two."

P.S. : Shashi Tharoor comes to conclusion that new Shaheed Bhagat Singh, Arvind Kejriwal has 99% similarity with Kanhaiya Kumar. He also concluded that possibly Kejriwal might have once urinated in open. He came with a conciliatory statement "I wanted to say Kanhaiya Kumar is like modern day Bhagat Singh Mr. Arvind Kejriwal. Media misrepresented me. Bahut Krantikaari."

Government of India sends free burnol to Pakistan

Government of India shipped 50000 liters of free Burnol to Pakistanis to help heal their pain after Pakistani cricket team lost against India.

"India has decided to continue supplying burnol for life time at free of cost. The quantity will be higher whenever the world cup match takes place between the two teams," said BCCI Secretary Anurag Thakur "Initially we will send 50000 ltrs of burnol to heal the pain in their asses. If requires, Pakistan Government can ask for more."

China offers Pakistan disposable World Cup TV sets

A major trading partner and important friend of Pakistan, China offered the cricket loving country disposable television sets, made particularly for world cup matches against India.

"These television sets have 1 day battery life. People can throw them or break them with stones or anything in hand after Pakistan team loses the match against India," Chon Chu Pong, Director of Chinese TV maker Erres "We want to prove our friendship with Pakistan. We are with Pakistani people in their misery."

Chon Chu Pong said that China is developing a Pakistan specific TV set which will show exactly opposite of the world cup match between India-Pakistan. "So whenever Pakistan is playing with India, it will show Pakistan is winning by changing the colour of clothes of players to make our neighbour happy. Finally, its a big billion dollar market, somebody has to serve."

Pizza gives more wit than burger

According to an independent research on food habits, pizza has more good bacteria which improve intelligence 90% more than burger. The study shows that the bacteria is highly effective and attacks dim brain tissues and help consumer getting his intelligence back.

"Pizza consists of abundant amount of Lacosta Facosta, Italian bacteria which is good for brain's health. It is 10 times more in pizza compared to burger. Lacosta Facosta develops a naturally oily substance that occurs in animal bodies, especially when deposited as a layer under the brain. It is also called fat. Such kinds of 10 fatty layers develop in the human brain if he eats six pizzas a day," said the research paper "Burger has a capability of developing 2 layers in the brain."

The research concludes that having fat in brain is better than in tummy.

Times Now to supply 6 ears to viewers of Arnab Goswami's News hour show

To listen to everyone's point of view in generally chaotic debate show, Prime Time Newshour with Arnab Goswami, popular news channel Times Now has decided to supply 6 ears to its audience in addition to their currently available 2 ears. This development has seen a major relief for the audience of Newshour, which is also a most watched debate show in India and 80 other countries, according to Arnab Goswami.

"There was a long pending demand from our viewers that they couldn't hear anything in 90% of the time, except what I say in the beginning then in the middle when I say 'listen to me and I have a question' like chants and ending remarks. Therefore to benefit our viewers we decided to supply 6 ears to each person in the family wrapped in Times of India news paper. You can throw the news paper in dustbin after removing these ears," said Times Now editor and anchor Arnab Goswami "I have 20 ears and 10 brains fit in my body since my childhood and therefore I understand each and every word of participants they are talking about despite speaking over each other quite often. But I know not everyone has that kind of capabilities."

Arnab told India Satire correspondent that with 6 additional ears people will start listening every murmur and humming of participants.

While Newshour viewers welcomed the development, they also pointed some concerns.

"Times Now is supplying just 6 ears while demand was 6 ears and 4 brains to decode what everyone is talking about. Now with these 6 ears a single brain would face more chaos," said the ardent Arnab fan Pappu Pandey.

Vijay Mallya shouts "Bharat Maata Ki Jai"; Government waives off his debt

Sensing the urgency of showing his patriotism, liquor baron Vijay Mallya clangour "Bharat Mata ki Jai" thrice from his villa in London, resulted into Government of India waiving off all the debt he borrowed from the banks for Kingfisher Airlines.

"When a lot of people who live here don't want to say 'Bharat Maata ki Jai', we have to respect feelings of Mallya who although absconded from India still loves his motherland and consider her as his Mother," said Sambit Patra, BJP spokesperson in Newshour clarifying the government's stand on forgiving all his debt.

Continuing, he said "We are willing to welcome him to the country to show him an icon of the love for the country and nationalism."

Narendra Modi to take suggestions from Ashwani Gujral to decide his fashionable wardrobe

To get right advice on fashion and stylist clothing, Prime Minister Narendra Modi announced new fashion icon and market expert Ashwani Gujral as his chief official fashion advisor. Prime Minister's Office made an announcement about Gujral's appointment immediately after market hours and the confirmation of display of Narendra Modi's wax statue at Madame Tussauds.

"Prime Minister personally called Ashwaniji who is known for his style and fashionable clothes requesting him in helping PM in choosing best clothes going ahead. Modiji is just getting bored with same old kind of clothes. The way Ashwaniji presents himself on CNBC TV18 always amazed and liked Modiji. However, Modiji put one condition to Gujralji that he would have to look at Modiji and nowhere else," said an official at PMO.

The official told India Satire correspondent that earlier PM Modi was planning to appoint music director Bappi Lahiri as an advisor but found him somewhat old fashioned.

India to push more saas bahu serials and secular news to improve ranking in World Happiness Index

After India's poor performance in its happiness quotient, ranking 118^th out of 156 countries in a global list of the happiest nations, down one slot from last year on the index and coming behind China, Pakistan and Bangladesh, the government has decided to take curative actions. India's HRD minister Smriti Irani hastily announced more sops for saas bahu serials and news channels promoting secular and intellectual propaganda.

"Our Prime Minister Mr. Narendra Modi doesn't want the government to be only seen as business friendly by focusing more on improving ranking in Ease of Doing Business Index. Modi's heart also bits for aam aadmis and therefore we have decided to work on improving happiness index of the country. We have therefore decided to take some remedial action, which we believe would substantially improve the ranking next year. We are increasing sops for saas bahu serials and would grant special allowances to NDTV, ABP News and Aaj Tak which would ensure a substantial improvement in the happiness of people," said Smriti Irani "Indians always try to find dusre ke dukh me apni khushi (happiness in someone else' sorrows) and watching nasty things on news channels. And therefore, we decided to give higher subsidies to general entertainment channels asking them to increase conspiracies between saas and bahus while providing more help to Rajdeep and Barkha to become more outraged against us, helping them to make Indians happier."

Kanhaiya Kumar and Ajit Pawar pledge to make India a better place

India's new found revolutionary and a new star Kanhaiya Kumar and Maharashtra's ex Deputy Chief Minister Ajit Pawar today met in Delhi to discuss how they could make India a better place to live. Charged up with different causes but similar problem solving process, both of them advocated clean India and draught-free India programs. 

"India needs more water, immense amount of water for cleanliness as well as free from drought. We both have shown the way to solve these scathing problems. The answer is in a storage bag of our tummy," said Kanhaiya Kumar attending the press conference with Ajit Pawar "The government should seriously consider a proposal of our urination program."

Kim Jong-un eats hydrogen bomb in dinner and releases blast next morning - Sources

Official sources of North Korea government said that it's supreme leader and Chairman of National Defence Commission ate hydrogen bomb in dinner and released it's blast in the next morning. The event passed yesterday.

"He was excited and eager to eat hydrogen bomb since tests were conducted in January when the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) created world's best hydrogen bomb. However, doctors recommended him to avoid temptation for a while as his digestive system was poor. But yesterday after their go ahead, he was served the bomb in his dinner by  the Army General which he ate it immediately. Later he told us that the bomb was so delicious and healthy, he will eat it everyday as a mouth freshner. He also told us that the bomb seems to have all the components which will essentially solve his constipation and digestion related problems. Today morning he blasted all the hydrogen gases in the direction of South Korea and sent a stern warning to them," said an official of North Korean government.

Singer Arijit Singh in Guinness Book of World Records for typecasting songs

After Sonakshi Sinha, popular Bollywood Movie singer Arijit Singh has become a new Guinness Book of World Records title holder for typecasting all his songs. Official of Guinness Book of World Records told India Satire correspondent that Arijit Singh is an only singer since the inception of the earth who sings in one tone, one tune with no variations and no change in emotions.

"All his songs are similarly sang, only words change," said Alistair Richards, Global President Guinness Book of World Records "That day my dog started barking as the world was going to end in a minute or say, owls started crying in the day light, jackals started howling and donkeys braying which made me uncomfortable. When I closely noticed the reason I found out that my Indian neighbour family was listening to a song in which a guy was crying incessantly for some reason. After a long research, I found that Arijit Singh is a guy who sings for Bollywood in a specific typecast tone and his voice is used to threaten small kids in India."

Richards confirmed that it was great honour for him to see such a specific type of mammals available in the world who even could turn a happy tune into sad song.

"That's why we are going to honour him for his skills in singing," said Richards.

Javed Miandad tips Dawood Ibrahim to smoke Shahid Afridi once and for all

Ex Pakistan Cricketer and father of Junaid Miandad who married to India's absconded don Dawood Ibrahim, a tip to Dawood to put one of the leftover hand grenade in Shahid Afridi's mouth to send him to heaven. Highly patriot Javed told Dawood that he could give a single small casualty bomb in his hand and forget it till the news comes that Shahid Afridi has left the world for saying something against Pakistan and endorsing India.

"I have a courage to put that blood soaked bomb in his mouth which has opened against the decade long silly propaganda against India," said Javed Miandad "I will put the bomb in his mouth and will throw him out of stadium by using my famous last bowl sixer bat."

Vijay Mallya to publish Kingfisher Calendar with his own photos in chaddis; amount will be used to repay debt

As most of the models showed their lack of interest in becoming the hot cover page of next Kingfisher Calender, Vijay Mallya himself has decided to flaunt his body in the next edition. The King of Good Times and Wilful Defaulter of Bad Times, Mallya has decided to fulfil long pending request of gay community which wanted him to show his body in a bikini. The Kingfisher sources told India Satire correspondent that Mallya was never interested in taking such a nasty and extreme step if he was not interested in repaying mountainous debt to banks.

"I want to finish this once and for all. Will show what is there inside my shirt and pant, every penny generated from it would be paid to crazy banks," said Mallya in his tweet "Wait you fuc*ing gays for next edition of Kingfisher Calender, you will see me in my chaddi."

Banks are, however, not confident whether Vijay Mallya would pay a single rupee, doubting his intention.

"Last time while selling his United Spirits he said the same thing. Even if he sells himself or Siddharth Mallya, he would keep it with himself," said a bank officer requesting anonymity "Although, we know all homosexuals would pay for the calendar and he would be able to pay each and every rupee."

Government appoints addicts of mobile games, WhatsApp to help improve focus of students

In an unprecedented but important move, Government of India decided to appoint addicts of mobile games, WhatsApp and Facebook to help students improving their concentration levels. Education Minister Smriti Irani yesterday sent a circular to head masters and principals of all schools and colleges, asking them to identify students/people/animals who always keep themselves busy in games, WhatsApp, Facebook and/or in Twitter.

"That way these addicted people could be used for productive purposes. They are highly focused people on a particular thing and could be used to teach others how to concentrate. In Prime Minister Narendra Modi Government, even a dog will have to work, forget these addicts. Each and everything will be used for productive purposes. I always amused with why these addicted people have so high concentration while playing Temple Run or Subway Surfer. I think students lacking concentration could learn from them. That is what our Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modi's goal is," said Education Minister Smriti Irani in exclusive chat with India Satire Correspondent Pappu Pandey.

Book Review: Kanhaiya Kumar's autobiography "Pee Pee ke Piss daala"

How does a Rs 3000 penalty on exercising right to pee anywhere and adequately punishing a girl who teaches the lessons of clean India movement can turn into a real red revolution is the story of new book released by Kanhaiya Kumar. "Pee Pee ke Piss daala" is an autobiography of Jawaharlal Nehru University student and President of JNUSU, Kanhaiya Kumar who also initiated a new revolution in the country with demand for basic rights. This book is a real revenge saga of Kanhaiya who represents people who likes to pee or spit anywhere they want.

The book starts with first chapter "Maza aata hai". The chapter gives an insight of Kanhaiya's childhood, his friends and their liberal life of hovering anywhere on the earth. "I loved the way we use to clean the earth by our pee and spit," said Kanhaiya Kumar "Seeds of becoming liberal red had sown in my childhood only."

​However, his life took a new turn with the second chapter "Ye bedard aur badnam duniya". After his childhood, Kanhaiya realised that the childhood dreams and its liberty never matches in young life. "You never get chances of right to pee on wall, create design or at least clean your mother earth," said Kanhaiya "Ye bedard dunia only stops you from doing such thing." This chapter is a real grim story of Kanhaiya's life. When I read this chapter I was just waiting when it would be finished, such a sadness in it. At one point in the book Kanhaiya said "I never thought that for days I would not pee at all. There are toilets here, there are toilets there but no open place and when I saw an open place and just wanted to design it by using the creativity of my tool, some girl came to me and asked to stop. The hell my destiny wanted to revenge me. I simply asked her let me do that when JNU boss asked me to pay Rs 3000," said Kanhaiya. This chapter makes you cry for hours.

Finally things start turning around and the third chapter starts "Uth khada hua". Emotional and disturbed Kanhaiya started searching for the goal of life when a great philosopher asked him to protest for right to pee. "As it is you are doing something nonsense called Phd on African lifestyle. Why don't you bring that lifestyle to India? Fight for that culture where nobody would slap you a penalty for releasing one of your body thing in outside. This government is insane, even I had to stop spitting my gutkha on the street because of its demonous policy called 'Clean India Movement'," tells the philosopher to Kanhaiya at one part of the story where Kanhaiya's biceps start turning up his hands start shievering and whole body dances on the tune of new goal. This chapter turns out to be a real motivationa story for the readers. I read it at least 40 times in just a span of day.

In a fourth chapter "Kutte ke liye khamba, hamare liye kya" shows how the revenge starts and ends. This chapter has become somebit of boring thing as besides interesting goal of right to pee, revenge stories about other nusances like Afzal Guru and Kashmir liberals move your focus to out-of-the-context things. The story shows the trajectory how Kanhaiya from a disturbed student becomes revolutionary one with getting blessings from the likes of Barkha Dutt and Rajdeep Sardesai. Finally after one girl disclosing how the entire revenge saga was built up on the incident when she stopped Kanhaiya from peeing, the deprived section who wants freedom of peeing anywhere in the world gets their voice heard in India.

Review: The book is great one to read on your spare time. But you have to keep hankies with you to wipe out tears. The way government's draconian policy like Clean India suppresses a section of people was very well discussed by Kanhaiya. In the last chapter, although he move out of the context to touch few third grade people such as Kashmir freedom fighters and Afzal Guru makes you a little bit boring but finally when the real issue props up you get satisfaction to read on some different problem and finally you say like chapter one "Mazaa aata hai."

Kanhaiya Kumar launches a new slogan - Freedom to Pee everywhere

​After the letter from ex-student of JNU, Kanhaiya Kumar confirmed that he wants azaadi from urinal (freedom to pee) only in toilets. "I want to pee wherever I want," said Kanhaiya Kumar.

Kanhaiya Kumar's childhood photo of exercising right to pee anywhere released

Kanhaiya's friend Pappu has given his childhood photo when he exercised his right to pee on a wall.

Arnab Goswami to be sent to bring Vijay Mallya back to India - Indian Government

Indian Government and consortium of PSU banks decided to send Arnab Goswami as a recovery agent to London where Liqour baron and father of Siddharth Mallya resides. According to sources, the government is confident that Arnab Goswami will bring back Vijay Mallya without it taking the risk of requesting Mallya for extradition from UK Government.

"Our strategy document is ready and we will send Arnab immediately to UK. He will decide future course of action," said Arundhati Bhattacharya, SBI Chairman "These days Arnab is very excited and charged up on Vijay Mallya issue and therefore we thought him to release his energy there and bring that guy back to our country."

​According to a source, the PSU bank directors requested Arnab rather than shouting on them do some real work by scolding Mallya to India.

"Strategy is simple. He will go there and would shout in the ear of Vijay Mallya at highest of decibles till Mallya surrenders," Bhattacharya told "He will shout again and again and again till he put his knee on the ground fold his hand request Arnab to take him to India and put him in jail. We have received permission from India which is happy that it would not require to use its influence on UK Government for extradition. However, India's only request to Arnab is don't bring Siddharth Mallya."

Why Ranbir Kapoor makes it to Guinness Book of World Records?

​Bollywood actor Ranbir Kapoor fulfilled his dream today morning after he received a phone from an official of Guinness Book of World Records who confirmed him that his name was entered in its record book with golden handwriting, according to India Satire's Bollywood Reporter Chunky Pandey. This record was earlier held by famous Bollywood villain Ranjeet.

​"Ranbir has highest amount of testosterone in the world. Testosterone is a steroid hormone from the androgen group which plays a key role in developing sexual desire, reverse of which generally develops strong urge for committed long term relationship," said Chunky Pandey who was also tracking Ranbir-Katrina break up since its inception "Sources of Guinness Book of World Records said that it doesn't need to take Ranbir to medical laboratory to check his testosterone level. With his affair with makeup artiste, now we can shower him with a grace of entering his name into the awards."

Chunky said that such a kind of testosterone levels haven't been found anywhere in the world after Ranjeet. He further said that Ranbir has joined other eminent record holders such as Sonakshi Sinha, Jagdish Raj and Brahmanandam.

​

Afzal Guru hanging disappears from Kanhaiya Kumar's brain like gadhe ke sir pe se sing - Report

A media report suggests that Afzal Guru hanging has left India's newest hero Kanhaiya's head like gadhe ke sir pe se sing or Jan Lokpal from the brain of Arvind Kejriwal. The report points out an empirical evidence of donkey to both the cases, Arvind Kejriwal-Jan Lokpal and Kanhaiya Kumar-Afzal Guru.

"It happened way back 50000 years ago when one of the donkeys lost his horns (sing in English) for doing something. Similarly, the scathing topics such as Jan Lokpal and Afzal Guru disappeared from the heads of Arvind Kejriwal and Kanhaiya Kumar respectively for reasons known to them," said the report.

P.S.: GOVERNMENT HAS ALSO ADDED ITS OWN NAME BY LETTING VIJAY MALLYA GO OUT OF THE COUNTRY

Breaking News: Kanhaiya Kumar suffers constipation

India's newest hero and revolutionary Kanhaiya Kumar is suffering from constipation since yesterday night, according to a journalist of NDTV.

"He ate something utter shutter yesterday night at Singh is King Dhaba in Delhi and since then he is suffering bad constipation," said the NDTV reporter who was left by the TV channel's top journalist Barkha Dutt at Kanhaiya's room to give the newest born hero personal care and affection.

The reporter said that prima facie it looked like government's conspiracy in the nexus of Dhabewala who put something constipatory in that food to disturb the idea of food azaadi. The reporter confirmed to NDTV that keeping Kanhaiya busy trying for potty would stop him raking the logic of Afzal's azaadi.

"Since early morning he was visiting toilet but in spite of trying hard, moaning loudly and pushing insanely potty is not allowing itself to come out," informed the reporter in a small chat with NDTV anchor Sreenivasan Jain "His left bum wants some azaadi from the constipation."

The reporter also confirmed that JNUSU students started shouting slogans such as "Kanhaiya maange azaadi. Kanhaiya maange constipation se azaadi."

According to sources, Barkha Dutt immediately in the morning left to Kanhaiya's campus to help him recover from the situation.

"She will provide her sentimental support, caring and motherly love which will boost his inner instincts in fighting the constipatory problem," confirmed reporter.

(Fake News)

SEBI officials never clean their asses before getting out of toilets

India's stock market regulator Securities Exchange Board of India (SEBI) officially confirmed that it's officers never clean their asses even after they come out of toilets, leaving them dirty and unclean. A senior official of the regulator was talking with the India Satire correspondent in a reply to its legal step against liquor baron Vijay Mallya after he left the country, easily selling everything  he owned. According to the official, providing easy exit to Vijay Mallya after many years of Kingfisher fiasco is routine work for the regulator and comes under the duty to protect rights of investors.

"That  is how we work. We think somebody else would clean the shit out of our asshole and let it keep unclean there," said Pappu Pandey assistant of SEBI Chief "Everybody functions that way here. We don't like to use our hands to clean that shitty thing. See as a SEBI officer I am here to rightfully live lavish lifestyle. Why would we even touch a dirty shit that's called Vijay Mallya. Let he get the nature's hand to automatically clean just the way shitty Anderson was cleaned after years of Bhopal gas tragedy. We are not hear to clean that shit but to protect rights of investors."

He confirmed that everybody was aware that Vijay Mallya sold his shares in United Spirits and Breweries and other properties before flying to London after writing some emotional crap.

"That is how we function. We protected his right to sell his shares in a full transparent manner and also allowed him to delist Kingfisher Airlines rightfully with much of grace. Now as the nature has cleaned our asshole from that dirty little shit, we plan to do something for crappy little investors," he told the correspondent.

When the correspondent asked him if the shit gets clean after bath, he said " We never bath."

Kanhaiya Kumar's stool analysis suggests removal of all anti national germs, now its just gas - Delhi Police

Reacting to Kanhaiya Kumar's high tempered speech, Delhi Police said that all the 100% of anti national germs from Kanhaiya's body have been removed and now whatever he is releasing from his mouth is just gas.

"We have done all kinds of stool analyses of Kanhaiya and it's now confirmed that all the leftists, maoists and anti national remaani kidas (germs) have been removed. He has gone through all kinds of cleansing treatment, by drooping, lying down, seating him down and standing up. After many efforts by our expert doctors, finally all the germs have been removed. However, still some gas remains and whatever he is talking JNU is just releasing his gas. Now he will never talk something anti national nor he will support any anti national and also will not arrange any rally that will put some anti national sloagans," said Delhi Police Commissioner Bhim Sain Bassi.

Bassi also confirmed that whatever he told in his speech was totally unrelated to his jail.

Loss of strength in the voice of freedom - Analysis of Kanhaiya's speech

·         I have many differences with the PM but I agree with his tweet Satyameva Jayate because these words are in our Constitution

·         We are not seeking 'azaadi'(freedom) from India. We want 'azaadi' within India

·         There is no animosity towards ABVP because we are democratic. We see them as our opposition

·         We truly believe in democracy and Constitution. We don't look at the ABVP as an enemy, we look at them like the Opposition

·         Let me just say it is not easy to get admission in JNU neither it is easy to silence those in JNU

·         This attack is to delegitimize the UGC protests, to prevent justice to Rohith Vemula (the dalit scholar in Hyderabad who committed suicide? – Few germs still remained in media's ass hole)

·         Is seeking freedom from thorny issues confronting India a crime?

"Now I feel very light as I released all the stuck up gases from my tummy," said Kanhaiya after finishing his speech.

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