How to play Playstation 4 / XBox for 20 hours continuously?

Many people want to learn how to play PS 4 and XBox on their PC, Mobile or iPhone while some people want to understand how they could play these two uninterruptedly for hours. While any stupid and crap technology website will give answer to the first question, second one needs an expert's opinion. Our technology expert Marc Zuckerburg will help you in answering the second question

Steps to improve stamina for PS 4 and XBox

·         You need two days of preparation.

·         On first day, create a to-do list for next day, sleep early and wake up early next day.

·         As a chain PS 4/XBox player you must be a near brother of owl but you have to understand that waking up early is prominent here

·         So sleep whatever time but wake up around 5 am in the morning. To wake up early, watching Donald Trump's photo before sleeping may help you. If you are Indian, dream like Rahul or watch KRK's photo. People from other countries may watch weirdo of their respective nations.

·         As soon as you wake up at 5 am, just run to the toilet before occupying it anybody else. Give a nice time to let the things go out of your body. Because its 5 in the morning you will have sufficient time.

·         Bathing is not necessary

·         Bring a saline from the neighboring medical store, put fruit juice/beer/milk or anything you want into it. Properly fit that saline to a metal rod near your computer

·         Now inject that saline into your body, whether into your arm, hand or your ass

·         Give your Mumma the schedule to follow - 9 am apple juice in the breakfast, 12 pm vegetable soup in lunch, 5 pm some coffee/tea, 9 pm manchow soup

·         This way your family, friends, relatives and your sleep will not disturb you from playing PS 4

After celebrities, Anant Ambani is open for demonstration to general public

India's top businessman Mukesh Ambani has decided to showcase his child Anant's super natural change in body during last 18 months to general public. Anant was earlier demonstrated in front of celebrities and top people at his house Antilla in Mumbai.

"Now as the demonstration of Anant in front of creamy layer is over, we decided to show him to general public," said Mukesh Ambani "We will put him on Wankhede ground after IPL match to show how one buddy could reduce 108kg in 18 months."

Mukesh Ambani confirmed that the Royal Couple, Prince Williams and his wife Kate Middleton which came to India want Anant to take to Royal Palace to showcase him in front of population of Britain.

Shoe thrown at Arvind Kejriwal; shoe companies fight claiming it was their brand

A fight among the large shoe companies to take credit has emerged after a guy of Aam Aadmi Sena hurled a shoe at Aam Aadmi Party Chief and Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal.

"We designed that shoe," said Director of Bata India "Our shoe is designed to work well in such attacks. It creates high decibels of noise after it hits on the target so that people know it has touched the target. Our sources at the event confirmed that after the shoe touched its target it created a strong noise."

According to the management of Mirza International, another leading shoe company, the shoe carries a tag of Red Tape.

"We zoomed out that shoe and found it was perfectly our shoe. We have designed that model which fits into attacker's legs and on the face of the target. These models are developed in such a way that people could see them through their naked eyes," Mirza's official confirmed.

These shoe companies plan to go to court to get the legal stamp on their claim for 'that' particular shoe.

"I don't know which shoes brand that funny guy; Ved Prakash wore in another leg. But I am damn sure that whatever shoe he threw was Bata's," said Bata India's Director.

Few other shoe companies, which include Liberty and Relaxo Footwear took different view. Director of Liberty Shoes told India Satire correspondent that the shoe didn't belong to Liberty, as it couldn't hit the target perfectly while director of Relaxo said that the company didn't manufacture leather shoes and if Ved Prakash would have used sports shoes his target could have been perfectly accomplished.

Jealous of Anant Ambani, Pappu Pandey lost 1/2 kg - Reports

Pappu Pandey unknowingly lost 1/2 kg in a day after he found India's richest businessman Mukesh Ambani's son Anant Ambani lost 108kg in 18 months.

"It was sheer jealousy that helped Pappu lost 1/2 kg within a day without doing anything," said Pappu's elder brother Chunky Pandey "He ate everything yesterday still we found him 1/2 kg lighter compared to day before."

Pappu is a son of wealthiest halwai of India Pinchu Pandey. Pappu is known for his love for jalebis and recorded his name in Guinness Book of World Records after eating thousands of jalebis in an hour's time.

"U hamaar bituwa rahai. Kauno Ambani kaa naahi. Hum ka pata hai ki hamaar Pappuwa bhi 400-500 kilo ekai saal mein loose karai rahe," said proud father Pinchu Pandey after he saw Pappu to be lighter by 1/2 kg.

Women devotees to fight new crusade; want men devotees to wear full clothes in Shani Shingnapur Temple

After a major victory for women devotees on the occasion of Hindu New Year Gudi Padwa, as the Shani Shingnapur temple trust in Maharashtra on Friday allowed them inside the sanctum sanctorum they want men to wear full clothes and not roaming topless around the venue. Just after entered the temple, first batch of women shocked seeing few topless men praying in front of God Shani as per the cusoms and rituals.

"That view was shocking. Few people without caring about women in the temple were half nude making us totally uncomfortable," said one of the women devotees who got opportunity to be in the first batch "There should be some sense that they were in front of women. We immediately complained the temple authorities which showed lack of interest in getting things sorted out and asking the men devotees to wear clothes. Now we plan to move to court."

The devotee told India Satire correspondent that they will try all the legal options including requesting Pahlaj

Nihalani to personally look after the issue.   

(This is satire and fake news just created for generating some humour)

ISI, Pakistan army arranges crash course for Pakistan panelists to successfully debate on Arnab Goswami's show

After daily bashing from Times Now Editor and News Hour anchor Arnab Goswami and his Indian colleagues, Pakistan army and its intelligence agency, Inter service Intelligence (ISI) decided to take crash course of Pakistan participants on how to deal with Arnab. According to Pakistan's army chief Gen. Raheel Sharif, the Pakistan's intellectual army fades away while combating against Arnab. Sharif decided about the step after he watched yesterday's News Hour show in which Arnab Goswami along with other Indian panelists was bashing Pakistani High Commissioner to India Abdul Basit.

"There is no need to teach them fabricated lies, that's in our blood. It's just like how a galli guy of India plays against any kind of spin bowling that's how we deal with scenario using all the lies. However, we need to improve their aggression and way of delivering lies," said Pakistan's army chief General Raheel Sharif to Reporter of leading English daily Dawn "It's just tweaking the way of talking. Therefore we decided to give lectures to Pakistan's esteemed intellectuals on dealing against Arnab Goswami under the guidance of Pakistan army's social media wing dictator General Bajwa."

When Dawn reporter asked if the participants despite rigorous training fail to deliver against Arnab, Sharif said "We will give them few nuclear hand grenades to throw on Arnab Goswami or else we will provide them battle tanks and missiles so that they would straight away target Times Now building from seating in Karachi, Lahore and Islamabad. Our army is fighter. Our Tariq Pirzada is sufficient for these News Hour guys; his bald skull is full of thousands of small nuclear bombs."

 

Critic of lengthy one day and test cricket played Playstation 4 for 18 hours

A harsh critic of test and one day cricket for being too lengthy, Pappu Pandey found playing on Playstation 4 for 18 hours nonstop till his body jammed and mouth pained due to constant yawning, said sources close to him.

"Pappu is famous for his criticism on 7-8 hours format of test and one day cricket respectively. He believes that the long hour format makes the game boring and also painful for ass. However, he played on some unknown game on Playstation for 18 hours which itself is shocking," said the source requesting anonymity.

The source confirmed that everybody in the group which is a fan of all formats of cricket decided to take on with Pappu over the hypocrisy.

Indian government not yet ready to admit its hypocrisy

Indian government in a special circular said that it was not yet prepared to admit itself a hypocrite government. It confirmed that it wanted to remove all the air from the minds of its bhakts and trolls which think today or tomorrow or someday it the government would act unbiased.

"We are closely studying our reactions to tricky issues and behavioral patterns. We are still not ready to handle any situation with unbiased and fair manner. We need some time to get rid off our hypocrite nature, forget our behavior and nature but a simple thing that we even can't admit that we are extremely hypocrite," said India's Home Minister Rajnath Singh in the statement just after he told Kashmir NIT students that he ensured their safety and security while completely as well as most conveniently avoiding about the actions he would ensure against the guilty policemen.

"Our greed doesn't allow us to question Kashmir state government while our hypocrite nature doesn't allow us to give right answers just to hide our nudity," said Rajnath Singh "Possibly we will achieve the target in next few years or else we will become Congress."

Rakhi Sawant asks Dolly Bindra to stop eating to get rid of her piles

After advising India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi on putting ban on ceiling fans, Bollywood Diva Rakhi Sawant asked another Bollywood Diva Dolly Bindra to stop eating and control her piles. Rakhi Sawant with Dolly Bindra was addressing media on the unfortunate ocassion of Pratyusha's suicide.

​"Dolly tu bhi yaad rakh. Tujhe agar piles thik karna hoga to tujhe khaana chodana padega (Dolly if you want to cure your piles you will have to stop eating)," Rakhi told Dolly immediately after ban ceiling fan campaign "Thoda thoda mat kar. Tu thoda bhi nahi kha sakti. Bilkul khana chod de nahi to tera ye piles nahi thik hoga," Rakhi replied to Dolly as she was insisting that she could eat in small quantities at least.

​(Indicative image of piles, not necessarily of Dolly Bindra's)

Fake News

Amitabh Bachchan admits wrongdoings; tried Panama many times

Confirming the allegations about the wrongdoings in Panama Papers, Bollywood Super Star Amitabh Bachchan confirmed he tried Panama ones but that too in his young age.

"I had Panama many times in my young age. I also hid them in my cup board from my father's eyes," said Amitabh Bachchan "The smoke was awesome. However, when I started feeling guilty about it and I stopped smoking."

"What are you talking about?" when India Satire correspondent asked Amitabh, he said "I am talking about Panama cigarettes, they were famous in my young age and everybody used to smoke hiding from his parents. Even I had lot of cartons secretly putting away from my Papa's eyes."

​However, Amitabh told correspondent that he was not aware that his daughter-in-law Aishwarya Rai Bachchan also tried Panama.

Stock prices of A.C. companies rise as Rakhi Sawant demands ban on ceiling fans

Stock prices of A.C. companies including Voltas, Lloyd Electric, Blue Star and Hitachi Homes zoomed as Rakhi Sawant asked India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi to ban ceiling fans.

Pathankot JIT to investigate Nawaz Sharif's Panama assets

After the succes of Pakistan's Joint Investigation Team led by Punjab's Additional Inspector General of Police, Counter Terrorism Department, Muhammad Tahir Rai in investigating the role India in Pathankot terror and proving it was self managed, Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif appointed them to probe his own offshore dealings revealed by Panama papers. PM Nawaz Sharif was one of the esteemed political figures who saw his and his family's name in the Panama Papers. Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca (MF), show that Sharif's sons and daughter, Hussain Nawaz, Hasan Nawaz Sharif and Mariam Safdar, set up at least four offshore companies in the British Virgin Islands (BVI). According to leak, these companies owned at least six upmarket properties overlooking London's Hyde Park.

To clear air, Nawaz Sharif said "He he he, they couldn't find anything sort of Pakistan's involvement in Pathankot terror attack despite it being there. I am sure they will find nothing with me as well. Whoooopppppieeeee. Let them do the probe."

India invites Pakistan's JIT again to prove Pathankot attack was not 'stage managed'

After the news report in Pakistan daily 'Pakistan Today' quoted an unnamed JIT member as saying that the attack was nothing but "vicious propaganda" against Pakistan as Indian authorities did not have any evidence to back their claims, Indian government invited the same JIT members to India to allow it to prove that the attack was not stage managed and the government is innocent.

"We are humble cows. We never conspire," said an official of PMO India "We invite them again to probe our intentions and if anything wrong they find we will surrender to them."

The official confirmed that Indian establishment will fully cooperate with them again and would help in probing itself.

"PM Narendra Modi will personally go to Pakistan and will request the JIT to come to India and investigate us," said the official.

Pathankot JIT probe panel eats nuclear biryani post completion of probe

Pakistani news paper Pakistan Today confirmed that after completing the probe in Pathankot terror attack, the joint investigation team of Pakistan satisfactorily ate nuclear biryani, made with uranium and traces of plutonium and got blasted. The Pakistani team led by Punjab's Additional Inspector General of Police, Counter Terrorism Department, Muhammad Tahir Rai came last week to India to investigate the terror incident at Pathankot.

"I am feeling some gases have to be released," after eating the tasty nuclear biryani, the costliest biryani in Pakistan offered to only special people "I am going to release them."

After releasing the stuck up nuclear gases, onlookers and listeners saw a big blast and smoke everywhere with familiar smell of gas.

Sust Murga trains Arjun Kapoor for Ki & Ka - R Balki

Revealing the acting secrets of Arjun Kapoor in Ki & Ka, Director R Balki told India Satire correspondent that he took help of Sust Murga, a lazy rooster of Muzaffarabad to improve acting talent, eye and face expressions of the actor. "We approached stage artiste Cocku Cocka who is also popular for his lazy eye and face expressions to help Arjun improve his acting. Cocku helped us without any compensation, as he thought teaching some acting to Arjun is a social work."

Balki told correspondent that earlier the director wanted to take Smiley Sloth of Amazon river for the said work but rather than putting a single smiley face, Balki found a Cocku's expressions of a dead man would be more natural for Arjun and he would look more dynamic.

"After a rigorous training, Balki Sir immediately said 'Dead Man walking', ekdum sust murga," said Arjun Kapoor "I really thank Cocku for helping me adopt new kind of expressions."

This is the second time Bollywood director took some help from living creatures to improve acting the leading star cast. Earlier, Shoojit Sircar, Director of Piku inducted Azam Khan's Champa Bhains (buffalo) to train Deepika Padukone to give some weird stares throughout the movie.

(Story covered by our special correspondent Swati Gupta)

I will pull out each and every hair of moustache of American - Donald Trump

To contain terrorism and criminal activities, US Presidential candidate Donald Trump said that he would pull out each and every hair from the moustache of any ordinary to extra ordinary American. "There is no right for anybody to keep moustache. They (men/women with moustache) only involved in criminal activities like terrorism. Even Kim-Jong-Un has hidden moustache behind his upper lip. I will just put my thumb and a finger and would pull out each and every hair from there. If you guys (Americans who were listening to him) gave me an opportunity to contain Hitler by pulling out hair from his moustache, the massacre of Jews had never been occurred," Trump confirmed.

R Balki is totally illogical and irrational at home also - Gauri Shinde

Ageless director of Ki & Ka, R Balki's wife and director of English Vinglish, Gauri Shinde confirmed that her husband is like that only at home as well.

"He is the most irrational and illogical guy in the world I have ever seen. Forget Vishal Bharadwaj or Sanjay Leela Bhansali, I believe Balu assume a much higher position of intellectual (in other words illogical) in India," said Shinde.

Shinde confirmed that ever since she has seen him she found him as a fantasizing person whose mind keep wandering on some other planets create movies of creatures (look alike human beings) with minds of other worlds. "He never thought of this world and forgets thinking he even behaves irrationally. At home his bigger time pass is to help our maid in jhaadu pocha," said Shinde.

PM Narendra Modi requests 4G girl to promote Swachch Bharat Abhiyaan

​After a flourishing success of 4G network in India, Bharti Airtel's 4G girl has received a second assignment and that too from India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi. PM Modi confirmed in his official interview with India Satire correspondent at Brussels and before leaving to Washington that he saw 4G girl's recent advertisements and astonished to see uninterrupted 4G networks on mountains, air and under water.

"It was all 4G girl's relentless work on spreading the network awareness across India. You may not get Airtel's 2G or 3G network at your home even if you live in Mumbai or Delhi but your phone will definitely receive 4G network in Ladakh or Igatpuri. She has also lifted my dream of digital India to next level. Today even a person doing potty in open air feels pride of having 4G mobile phone. This is India growth story and this is the success of my digital India campaign as well as that 4G girl. However, we also need to think about that person who is doing potty in open air or spitting on the railway platform and everywhere in India except in his own house or hurting India's image throwing garbage anywhere. Despite all my efforts this man is not stopping and therefore I decided to appoint 4G girl to educate him about cleanliness. She will go to every Indian who is doing potty/urination in open air toilets and bathrooms or spitting on every public place and throwing garbage all over and will tell him to stop."

An official from PMO confirmed that the notification appointing the 4G girl for the post has been released in the morning. When India Satire correspondent contacted 4G girl, Sasha Chettri asking about PM's request for her to join Clean India Movement, she said "Whatever!"

What next for Indians after a harsh defeat by West Indies?

·         Mahendra Singh Dhoni to capsize till IPL begins; Virat Kohli to support him in case of imbalance

·         Tiger balm at free of cost distributed to Indian bowlers

·         Indian government to protest against West Indies batsmen at United Nations for painful onslaught of Indian bowling; To ask UN to declare West Indies as a country of inhumane batsmen

·         Indian bowlers to be declared as most delicate species in the world

·         For Indian audience, happiness restricted to Pakistan's defeat by India

Upset Dhoni to stand upside down till IPL begins

​After a severe assault from West Indies batsmen in 2nd World T20 Semi Final, India's captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni decided to capsize till Indian Premiere League begins. According to sources close to Dhoni told India Satire correspondent that Dhoni was basically a cool person and therefore to remove hangover of defeat he needed to do something weird. "It takes at least a week for him to get back to normal after a bad defeat. After talking to Sakshi Bhabhi for a while, Mahi immediately went to bathroom and stood upside down. He will have everything in that position only till IPL starts," said Dhoni's close friend Pappu Pandey. Pappu Pandey also confirmed that Indian bowlers will rub tiger balm on the areas which were hurt by West Indies batsmen for next couple of days. From the sources close to Sakshi Dhoni, Virat Kohli is acting as a support to Dhoni, incase if he loses balance.

Africa is begging Kanhaiya Kumar to first complete his research work - Report

Report from our African correspondent suggests that African countries are badly demanding JNUSU President Kanhaiya Kumar to complete his PhD on Africa and then start other things. The countries which include its people and politicians are all desperate to see Kanhaiya in Convocation suite holding a beautiful Certificate of Doctoral in his hand.

"They are eager to call Kanhaiya a Dr Kanhaiya Lal," said India Satire correspondent Tagdumba Thombu "But this guy is going into the topics which are nonexistent in the nature for any African countries. Africans are losing their hopes on him, before showering him as a dharti ka lal who grabbed PhD on Africa. But he wants to do something India. The Africans now started thinking that he wanted easy PhD without doing any studies."

According to the correspondent, African delegates have sent a request to meet PM Narendra Modi, pushing for some real pressure on Kanhaiya to start studying, at least now.

God asks Kanhaiya Kumar to solve Somalian issues first then start new ones

​Watching his credibility and role of launching a new freedom movement for something in India, God personally sent his representative to Kanhaiya Kumar asking him to go to Somalia and resolve its pending issues first. The Somali Republic or Somalia is a war torned country in Africa is under dire conditions since the civil war erupt in 1991. God pushed for earliest resolution of Somali war which started from the freedom movement by overthrowing Siad Barre regime.

"These guys always start new kind of nuisance in some fancy name like 'freedom movement', 'revolution', 'rebel' and so on so forth. After starting these useless things they move some other places," said God's Head Clerk Chitragupta who personally came to meet Kanhaiya Kumar, a new star born in India "What star or new star? First tell him to finish the backlog of earlier freedom movements started in Somalia, Egypt, Syria, Lybia, Lebanon and Iraq. How the hell he could start a new movement before finishing off the earlier ones."

Chitragupta informed India Satire correspondent that reason behind Kanhaiya's work on Africa is not grabbing PhD but starting RcD. Enlightening about the new word RcD, Chitragupta said it's Revolution-cum-Destruction of the country.

"These communist mentalities want freedom from everything. Just 2 days back they protested in the heaven for 'freedom from potty'. I want to tell him ki kyo dimaag chaat raha hai yaar," said Chitragupta.

According to sources, during the meeting Kanhaiya Kumar completely denied that he ever heard such a thing called Chitragupta or God and told the representative of God that he is on mission to free world with one country at a time.

"Its not my job to resolve issues. My job is to start new issues. When everybody will become revolutionary, communist and maoist then I will believe that the world is free now," Kanhaiya told Chitragupta.

State Government's Rule vs President's Rule

The India Satire brings you a detailed comparison between State Government's Rule and President's Rule.

​

Everything you should know about Uttarakhand crisis and President’s Rule

​Following is the guide which gives a detailed glimpse of Uttarakhand crisis and President's rule imposed by Central Government.

What was the issue all about?

·         9 Congress Party MLAs of Uttarkhand wanted to go on sabbatical to show their wives a new world, which ex-Chief Minister didn't grant. Giving the reason that his intolerable hair oil constantly freeze their noses, they removed the support of the government.

·         When asked about giving them sabbatical, Harish Rawat said "What the f*ck?" Giving f*ck to these rebel Congress and hungry deprived BJP MLAs for Uttarkhand chair, the speaker said "Appropriation Bill is passed," opening a new chance for self f*cking.

·         These MLAs (including BJPs) moved to Governor KK Paul for some chit chat and checking whether sending Harish Rawat on sabbatical was possible. "Marie biskut was extremely soggy and fell into my cup of tea;" said one of the BJP MLAs who was present at the meeting "Blame it on Harish bhai."

·         Paul scratched his head and thought something and muttered "Hmmmm... This Harish guy is too oversmart, that day his wife was outshining mine and he was laughing. I will show him his place." and asked the government to prove his majority before the yearend holiday.

·         His Personal Assistant complained "Paul saab isn't giving me compensatory off although I had overtime that day before typing that letter in the blood of the democracies' body."

·         Prime Minister Narendra Modi called urgent meeting of cabinet to discuss the issue and take steps. He presented facts in front of Rahul, Sonia Gandhi and asked their support. "Mummy I don't like Harish uncle's hair oil. It is way too stingy," Rahul opens up first time in the closed door meeting and asked Sonia Gandhi to take steps. "Don't worry Raul Baba! Randip (not Hooda, its Surjewala) issue the statement that its murder of democracy. Modiji, go ahead and let Rawatji sit in his home having a serious make over from his wife."

·         Today, Harish Rawat found carrying handbag carrying a small chit of paper which has given by his wife, Renuka Rawat. Message on the paper was "Bring 1 litre milk, 1/2kilo baingan, 1/2kilo gobi (saaf ki huyi), 1kilo tamaatar aur 2 kilo aaloo. Put the money unspent in my purse."

So what is President's rule?

President's rule is imposed by Central Government if State Government does anything unconstitutional. So what is unconstitutional? Any act which is not having been mentioned in 395 articles, 12 schedules, 25 parts and 117,369 English words of Constitution of India is unconstitutional. So any government that darns these 117,369 English words could be ousted by Central Government and brings a peaceful President's rule.

What happens under President's rule?

Nothing specific. Ousted party calls it murder of democracy. You may get some free sops and enjoyable luxurious things from central government apart from daily media coverage.

How's life under President's rule?

Great! You feel like you are in USA. You don't need to work. You get salaries at home. You can buy anything at free of cost. Beautiful girls come to you and propose you. Lovely corruption free life. If you are thinking all these then forget, nothing changes under President's rule. Only change is the name in Government's schemes.

Nostalgic Jihadi remembers his 'suicide bombing - suicide bombing' game of childhood

​Just before bombing one of the parks in Pakistan's province Punjab, Jihadi Al Ashfaq Rehman remembered the suicide bombing - suicide bombing game he played with his childhood friends and became nostalgic, reported Pakistan media.

"He just wiped out his tears from his eyes and confirmed his colleagues that he played this game in his childhood with his best friends," said a source present when the incident happened.

"That time it felt great when we wore that leather belt with small Chinese plastic bombs on it and jumped while shouting dhadaaam dhoooom," said Rehman "But I don't find those friends now. One of my friends joined ISIS, one joined Al-Shabab, and another one is at Lashkar-e-Taiba. I really miss them."

Donald Trump challenges Kim Jong-un in open sumo wrestling fight in a final attempt of US Presidential elections

Republican candidate of US Presidential elections, Donald Trump challenged North Korea's head Kim Jong-Un in an open fight of sumo wrestling before proving his worth as a president of United States of America. Both will fight in WWE ring and would try to eliminate each other from this deadly earth. Kim Jong-Un has accepted the challenge while Trump has shown his excitement.

"This deadly battle is to save the planet from deadly aliens landed in North Korea. First I will f**k the hands of Kim, lift him over my head would throw him into the audience of United States of America. 'This is my battttttllllllleeeeee'," said Donald "First I will prove my candidature by eliminating Kim then after becoming President I will challenge Pakistan's Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif, another different planetary substance."

Another candidate Hillary Clinton has challenged ISIS head Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in a sumo wrestling championship. Before the real fight she will have practice match with existing US President Barack Obama to try her punches and kicks on.

Rahul Gandhi sits on a Bournvita strike till his wax statue installed at Madame Tussauds

Following the news that after PM Narendra Modi, Aam Aadmi Party national convener and Delhi chief minister Arvind Kejriwal is set to see himself in wax at the iconic museum, Madame Tussauds, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi demanded his mother to ask those museum guys to build his statue as well. The Gandhi scion threatened Congress Party President Sonia Gandhi that he would not drink Bournvita and eat pasta in nasta till he sees the wax replica of him the light of the day.

According to a source who was present in 10 Janpath reported India Satire. The source was cleaning tiles while Rahul came to Sonia Gandhi and asked her to take steps to make his wax statue.

"Mummy mummy, I will not drink Bournvita," said Rahul Gandhi looking at a glass of hot chocolate in the hand of Congress Party General Secretary Digvijay Singh, as reported by the source "No Diggy Chacha! Now even Kejru's statue will be in Madame Tussauds, ab kya Ashutosh ka statue lagne ka wait karu?Mummy mummy kuch karo na mera bhi statue lagwao na."

The source confirmed that Sonia Gandhi made every effort to console Rahul Gandhi to drink that Bournvita and told him that installing that bloody wax statue is not in her hand.

"Raul Baba, please drink Bournvita, it's good for brain and body. It has Vitamin D and woh dudh ki shaaktee badhaata hai," said Sonia Gandhi "At least eat pasta."

When Rahul refused to eat Pasta, unwillingly she asked Digvijay Singh, "Diggyji, Queen Elizabeth ko phone lagaaiye."

Shashi Tharoor searches history books to find something similar between Shaheed Bhagat Singh and Kanhaiya Kumar

After punches from ruling party BJP and Twitteratis for his comparison between Shaheed Bhagat Singh and JNU great Kanhaiya Kumar, Shashi Tharoor hurriedly went through all the historical books including 'Discovery of India' to prove his point, said sources of his office.

"Since Shashi saab came from that interview, he is going through many books in the library maintained at home," said Ram Lakhan who keeps Shashi Tharoor's floor clean and library up to date "I never found him searching something so desperately even to prove his innocence after death of Sunanda Memsaab."

Scathing criticism came to Shashi Tharoor's way after he said that both Bhagat Singh and Kanhaiya Kumar looks similar without disclosing from which angle. Ram Lakhan confirmed that after that desperate statement Tharoor couldn't wait to come to some conclusion that at least one thing would be similar.

"He is trying to find that at least once in his life, Bhagat Singh might have done something natural in open just like Kanhaiyaji has done in front of a woman," said Ram Lakhan " just to prove his point. Else nothing is similar from any angle between these two."

P.S. : Shashi Tharoor comes to conclusion that new Shaheed Bhagat Singh, Arvind Kejriwal has 99% similarity with Kanhaiya Kumar. He also concluded that possibly Kejriwal might have once urinated in open. He came with a conciliatory statement "I wanted to say Kanhaiya Kumar is like modern day Bhagat Singh Mr. Arvind Kejriwal. Media misrepresented me. Bahut Krantikaari."

Government of India sends free burnol to Pakistan

Government of India shipped 50000 liters of free Burnol to Pakistanis to help heal their pain after Pakistani cricket team lost against India.

"India has decided to continue supplying burnol for life time at free of cost. The quantity will be higher whenever the world cup match takes place between the two teams," said BCCI Secretary Anurag Thakur "Initially we will send 50000 ltrs of burnol to heal the pain in their asses. If requires, Pakistan Government can ask for more."

China offers Pakistan disposable World Cup TV sets

A major trading partner and important friend of Pakistan, China offered the cricket loving country disposable television sets, made particularly for world cup matches against India.

"These television sets have 1 day battery life. People can throw them or break them with stones or anything in hand after Pakistan team loses the match against India," Chon Chu Pong, Director of Chinese TV maker Erres "We want to prove our friendship with Pakistan. We are with Pakistani people in their misery."

Chon Chu Pong said that China is developing a Pakistan specific TV set which will show exactly opposite of the world cup match between India-Pakistan. "So whenever Pakistan is playing with India, it will show Pakistan is winning by changing the colour of clothes of players to make our neighbour happy. Finally, its a big billion dollar market, somebody has to serve."

Pizza gives more wit than burger

According to an independent research on food habits, pizza has more good bacteria which improve intelligence 90% more than burger. The study shows that the bacteria is highly effective and attacks dim brain tissues and help consumer getting his intelligence back.

"Pizza consists of abundant amount of Lacosta Facosta, Italian bacteria which is good for brain's health. It is 10 times more in pizza compared to burger. Lacosta Facosta develops a naturally oily substance that occurs in animal bodies, especially when deposited as a layer under the brain. It is also called fat. Such kinds of 10 fatty layers develop in the human brain if he eats six pizzas a day," said the research paper "Burger has a capability of developing 2 layers in the brain."

The research concludes that having fat in brain is better than in tummy.

Times Now to supply 6 ears to viewers of Arnab Goswami's News hour show

To listen to everyone's point of view in generally chaotic debate show, Prime Time Newshour with Arnab Goswami, popular news channel Times Now has decided to supply 6 ears to its audience in addition to their currently available 2 ears. This development has seen a major relief for the audience of Newshour, which is also a most watched debate show in India and 80 other countries, according to Arnab Goswami.

"There was a long pending demand from our viewers that they couldn't hear anything in 90% of the time, except what I say in the beginning then in the middle when I say 'listen to me and I have a question' like chants and ending remarks. Therefore to benefit our viewers we decided to supply 6 ears to each person in the family wrapped in Times of India news paper. You can throw the news paper in dustbin after removing these ears," said Times Now editor and anchor Arnab Goswami "I have 20 ears and 10 brains fit in my body since my childhood and therefore I understand each and every word of participants they are talking about despite speaking over each other quite often. But I know not everyone has that kind of capabilities."

Arnab told India Satire correspondent that with 6 additional ears people will start listening every murmur and humming of participants.

While Newshour viewers welcomed the development, they also pointed some concerns.

"Times Now is supplying just 6 ears while demand was 6 ears and 4 brains to decode what everyone is talking about. Now with these 6 ears a single brain would face more chaos," said the ardent Arnab fan Pappu Pandey.

Vijay Mallya shouts "Bharat Maata Ki Jai"; Government waives off his debt

Sensing the urgency of showing his patriotism, liquor baron Vijay Mallya clangour "Bharat Mata ki Jai" thrice from his villa in London, resulted into Government of India waiving off all the debt he borrowed from the banks for Kingfisher Airlines.

"When a lot of people who live here don't want to say 'Bharat Maata ki Jai', we have to respect feelings of Mallya who although absconded from India still loves his motherland and consider her as his Mother," said Sambit Patra, BJP spokesperson in Newshour clarifying the government's stand on forgiving all his debt.

Continuing, he said "We are willing to welcome him to the country to show him an icon of the love for the country and nationalism."

Narendra Modi to take suggestions from Ashwani Gujral to decide his fashionable wardrobe

To get right advice on fashion and stylist clothing, Prime Minister Narendra Modi announced new fashion icon and market expert Ashwani Gujral as his chief official fashion advisor. Prime Minister's Office made an announcement about Gujral's appointment immediately after market hours and the confirmation of display of Narendra Modi's wax statue at Madame Tussauds.

"Prime Minister personally called Ashwaniji who is known for his style and fashionable clothes requesting him in helping PM in choosing best clothes going ahead. Modiji is just getting bored with same old kind of clothes. The way Ashwaniji presents himself on CNBC TV18 always amazed and liked Modiji. However, Modiji put one condition to Gujralji that he would have to look at Modiji and nowhere else," said an official at PMO.

The official told India Satire correspondent that earlier PM Modi was planning to appoint music director Bappi Lahiri as an advisor but found him somewhat old fashioned.

India to push more saas bahu serials and secular news to improve ranking in World Happiness Index

After India's poor performance in its happiness quotient, ranking 118^th out of 156 countries in a global list of the happiest nations, down one slot from last year on the index and coming behind China, Pakistan and Bangladesh, the government has decided to take curative actions. India's HRD minister Smriti Irani hastily announced more sops for saas bahu serials and news channels promoting secular and intellectual propaganda.

"Our Prime Minister Mr. Narendra Modi doesn't want the government to be only seen as business friendly by focusing more on improving ranking in Ease of Doing Business Index. Modi's heart also bits for aam aadmis and therefore we have decided to work on improving happiness index of the country. We have therefore decided to take some remedial action, which we believe would substantially improve the ranking next year. We are increasing sops for saas bahu serials and would grant special allowances to NDTV, ABP News and Aaj Tak which would ensure a substantial improvement in the happiness of people," said Smriti Irani "Indians always try to find dusre ke dukh me apni khushi (happiness in someone else' sorrows) and watching nasty things on news channels. And therefore, we decided to give higher subsidies to general entertainment channels asking them to increase conspiracies between saas and bahus while providing more help to Rajdeep and Barkha to become more outraged against us, helping them to make Indians happier."

Kanhaiya Kumar and Ajit Pawar pledge to make India a better place

India's new found revolutionary and a new star Kanhaiya Kumar and Maharashtra's ex Deputy Chief Minister Ajit Pawar today met in Delhi to discuss how they could make India a better place to live. Charged up with different causes but similar problem solving process, both of them advocated clean India and draught-free India programs. 

"India needs more water, immense amount of water for cleanliness as well as free from drought. We both have shown the way to solve these scathing problems. The answer is in a storage bag of our tummy," said Kanhaiya Kumar attending the press conference with Ajit Pawar "The government should seriously consider a proposal of our urination program."

Kim Jong-un eats hydrogen bomb in dinner and releases blast next morning - Sources

Official sources of North Korea government said that it's supreme leader and Chairman of National Defence Commission ate hydrogen bomb in dinner and released it's blast in the next morning. The event passed yesterday.

"He was excited and eager to eat hydrogen bomb since tests were conducted in January when the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) created world's best hydrogen bomb. However, doctors recommended him to avoid temptation for a while as his digestive system was poor. But yesterday after their go ahead, he was served the bomb in his dinner by  the Army General which he ate it immediately. Later he told us that the bomb was so delicious and healthy, he will eat it everyday as a mouth freshner. He also told us that the bomb seems to have all the components which will essentially solve his constipation and digestion related problems. Today morning he blasted all the hydrogen gases in the direction of South Korea and sent a stern warning to them," said an official of North Korean government.

Singer Arijit Singh in Guinness Book of World Records for typecasting songs

After Sonakshi Sinha, popular Bollywood Movie singer Arijit Singh has become a new Guinness Book of World Records title holder for typecasting all his songs. Official of Guinness Book of World Records told India Satire correspondent that Arijit Singh is an only singer since the inception of the earth who sings in one tone, one tune with no variations and no change in emotions.

"All his songs are similarly sang, only words change," said Alistair Richards, Global President Guinness Book of World Records "That day my dog started barking as the world was going to end in a minute or say, owls started crying in the day light, jackals started howling and donkeys braying which made me uncomfortable. When I closely noticed the reason I found out that my Indian neighbour family was listening to a song in which a guy was crying incessantly for some reason. After a long research, I found that Arijit Singh is a guy who sings for Bollywood in a specific typecast tone and his voice is used to threaten small kids in India."

Richards confirmed that it was great honour for him to see such a specific type of mammals available in the world who even could turn a happy tune into sad song.

"That's why we are going to honour him for his skills in singing," said Richards.

Javed Miandad tips Dawood Ibrahim to smoke Shahid Afridi once and for all

Ex Pakistan Cricketer and father of Junaid Miandad who married to India's absconded don Dawood Ibrahim, a tip to Dawood to put one of the leftover hand grenade in Shahid Afridi's mouth to send him to heaven. Highly patriot Javed told Dawood that he could give a single small casualty bomb in his hand and forget it till the news comes that Shahid Afridi has left the world for saying something against Pakistan and endorsing India.

"I have a courage to put that blood soaked bomb in his mouth which has opened against the decade long silly propaganda against India," said Javed Miandad "I will put the bomb in his mouth and will throw him out of stadium by using my famous last bowl sixer bat."

Vijay Mallya to publish Kingfisher Calendar with his own photos in chaddis; amount will be used to repay debt

As most of the models showed their lack of interest in becoming the hot cover page of next Kingfisher Calender, Vijay Mallya himself has decided to flaunt his body in the next edition. The King of Good Times and Wilful Defaulter of Bad Times, Mallya has decided to fulfil long pending request of gay community which wanted him to show his body in a bikini. The Kingfisher sources told India Satire correspondent that Mallya was never interested in taking such a nasty and extreme step if he was not interested in repaying mountainous debt to banks.

"I want to finish this once and for all. Will show what is there inside my shirt and pant, every penny generated from it would be paid to crazy banks," said Mallya in his tweet "Wait you fuc*ing gays for next edition of Kingfisher Calender, you will see me in my chaddi."

Banks are, however, not confident whether Vijay Mallya would pay a single rupee, doubting his intention.

"Last time while selling his United Spirits he said the same thing. Even if he sells himself or Siddharth Mallya, he would keep it with himself," said a bank officer requesting anonymity "Although, we know all homosexuals would pay for the calendar and he would be able to pay each and every rupee."

Government appoints addicts of mobile games, WhatsApp to help improve focus of students

In an unprecedented but important move, Government of India decided to appoint addicts of mobile games, WhatsApp and Facebook to help students improving their concentration levels. Education Minister Smriti Irani yesterday sent a circular to head masters and principals of all schools and colleges, asking them to identify students/people/animals who always keep themselves busy in games, WhatsApp, Facebook and/or in Twitter.

"That way these addicted people could be used for productive purposes. They are highly focused people on a particular thing and could be used to teach others how to concentrate. In Prime Minister Narendra Modi Government, even a dog will have to work, forget these addicts. Each and everything will be used for productive purposes. I always amused with why these addicted people have so high concentration while playing Temple Run or Subway Surfer. I think students lacking concentration could learn from them. That is what our Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modi's goal is," said Education Minister Smriti Irani in exclusive chat with India Satire Correspondent Pappu Pandey.

Book Review: Kanhaiya Kumar's autobiography "Pee Pee ke Piss daala"

How does a Rs 3000 penalty on exercising right to pee anywhere and adequately punishing a girl who teaches the lessons of clean India movement can turn into a real red revolution is the story of new book released by Kanhaiya Kumar. "Pee Pee ke Piss daala" is an autobiography of Jawaharlal Nehru University student and President of JNUSU, Kanhaiya Kumar who also initiated a new revolution in the country with demand for basic rights. This book is a real revenge saga of Kanhaiya who represents people who likes to pee or spit anywhere they want.

The book starts with first chapter "Maza aata hai". The chapter gives an insight of Kanhaiya's childhood, his friends and their liberal life of hovering anywhere on the earth. "I loved the way we use to clean the earth by our pee and spit," said Kanhaiya Kumar "Seeds of becoming liberal red had sown in my childhood only."

​However, his life took a new turn with the second chapter "Ye bedard aur badnam duniya". After his childhood, Kanhaiya realised that the childhood dreams and its liberty never matches in young life. "You never get chances of right to pee on wall, create design or at least clean your mother earth," said Kanhaiya "Ye bedard dunia only stops you from doing such thing." This chapter is a real grim story of Kanhaiya's life. When I read this chapter I was just waiting when it would be finished, such a sadness in it. At one point in the book Kanhaiya said "I never thought that for days I would not pee at all. There are toilets here, there are toilets there but no open place and when I saw an open place and just wanted to design it by using the creativity of my tool, some girl came to me and asked to stop. The hell my destiny wanted to revenge me. I simply asked her let me do that when JNU boss asked me to pay Rs 3000," said Kanhaiya. This chapter makes you cry for hours.

Finally things start turning around and the third chapter starts "Uth khada hua". Emotional and disturbed Kanhaiya started searching for the goal of life when a great philosopher asked him to protest for right to pee. "As it is you are doing something nonsense called Phd on African lifestyle. Why don't you bring that lifestyle to India? Fight for that culture where nobody would slap you a penalty for releasing one of your body thing in outside. This government is insane, even I had to stop spitting my gutkha on the street because of its demonous policy called 'Clean India Movement'," tells the philosopher to Kanhaiya at one part of the story where Kanhaiya's biceps start turning up his hands start shievering and whole body dances on the tune of new goal. This chapter turns out to be a real motivationa story for the readers. I read it at least 40 times in just a span of day.

In a fourth chapter "Kutte ke liye khamba, hamare liye kya" shows how the revenge starts and ends. This chapter has become somebit of boring thing as besides interesting goal of right to pee, revenge stories about other nusances like Afzal Guru and Kashmir liberals move your focus to out-of-the-context things. The story shows the trajectory how Kanhaiya from a disturbed student becomes revolutionary one with getting blessings from the likes of Barkha Dutt and Rajdeep Sardesai. Finally after one girl disclosing how the entire revenge saga was built up on the incident when she stopped Kanhaiya from peeing, the deprived section who wants freedom of peeing anywhere in the world gets their voice heard in India.

Review: The book is great one to read on your spare time. But you have to keep hankies with you to wipe out tears. The way government's draconian policy like Clean India suppresses a section of people was very well discussed by Kanhaiya. In the last chapter, although he move out of the context to touch few third grade people such as Kashmir freedom fighters and Afzal Guru makes you a little bit boring but finally when the real issue props up you get satisfaction to read on some different problem and finally you say like chapter one "Mazaa aata hai."